stop take a moment and think
take two steps back
step out of your head for once if you will
do you think, are you arrogant enough to think
this is written for you
into your skin
for your side of the distance?
step back out of your head
selfish, self absorbed
playing games
look at yourself
do you really think you're worth the time?
do you really think you're worth the thought?

Tell me I've gotta learn to take care of myself somehow and I'll tell you I don't care
I fully intend to run away to college and maybe starve or maybe never take my pills or take all my pills at once
Let my life build up around me and drown in it drown in it drown in it
That's all I know how to do
Play in oil and light close fires
Burn up, burn up, burn up

Someday I hope I get to the point where I can be alone for a full twenty four hours without thick syrup flooding my chest, weighing down my heart
It hasn't been a full day and I can feel the overflow as it climbs higher in my throat and chokes me
I sputter for breath, burrow deep in my blankets, and try to escape the lonely

if you find me somewhere along your way, let me know
i think i left me behind somewhere
back on that path, in that past
somewhere between the shopping carts and the street lamp and the long, long drive that lead me here
i'd look to find me, too
but i don't think i've ever seen me before
so i ask you
if you find me somewhere along your way,
let me know

when will my mind stop force feeding me thoughts like poison
like 'im not worth your time'?
when will i mature enough to leave all that behind?
im not sure ill ever ever take a step free of this tether
my mind keeps me ******* here alone
trapped in thoughts, i'm on my own

Erase her curls and hazel eyes and smile
Pour thick black paint over every time I have said or thought [REDACTED]
Whiteout the sound of her voice
Laughing
The sound of her voice
Haunting
Dissect my emotions and pull out the quick anxiety that set in at that concert where I first realized she wanted away
The hurt I felt when she first shut me out
The hopeless loyalty
Take back the drunk texts from that night
And the anger when her boyfriend responded instead
Because can't I get any ******* closure
Pack it all up
The hurt, the summers, the memories
Light it on fire
Watch it burn
Try not to breathe the smoke
Pray the thoughts are gone for good

I don't know I don't know I don't know
Clawing at my head
Picking at my skin
Blood under my nails
I wish I could just know where we stand
What you think of me,  
What he thinks of me,
Does she think of me?
Do they still think of me?
In everything we are and have been,
I struggle to find my place.
*(Maybe I cannot find it
Because I have none here.)

i don't know why i write so much
mediocre words jumbled together in a desperate need for expression i suppose
sometimes i wish you'd sit down and read my spirit right out of me
and maybe i'd finally feel heard, seen
*this is a cleansing
my scars and soft spots bared to you
i curl in on myself as the world blinks innocently
this is a cleansing

my bones urge me to
reach out, reach towards you
bear an honest to god broken smile
tell you how violence lives in the back of my mind in a whisper
tell you my will is as thin as paper
dissolve slowly in your arms
but you're so far away
and i have to find a way
to do this on my own
force myself to be okay
gotta stop getting you caught up in my
messy hot glue strings

I guess I live life moment to moment
Not so much in a spontaneous way
I'm just waiting for something to happen
I need a change of pace
Less time spent breathing in and breathing out moments with no action
Time slipping through my fingers like sand
Time not spent but wasted
So I wait for the change to come to me and cross my arms and sigh
There's gotta be a domino I can tip somewhere
I wanna live life moment to moment
I wanna laugh real and bright and true
Appreciate my friends and kiss you
And run down the streets like we're kids again
But objects at rest tend to stay at rest
For now I'll curse inertia and dream of carbonated spirits

Did you know you smell like home?
I can't really describe it any other way,
It's something so you,
And sometimes I'll catch it in the air and remember nights spent in your basement and my backyard and our endless kingdom.
I wonder if it's normal to recognize scents,
Not too unlike the warm and sweet air in the kitchen where cookies are baking
Except I always feel a little bad
Because i haven't quite convinced myself it's okay to love you this much.

And do you notice
The weight that fills the silence
When i take too long to send a short reply with any simple message?
It takes a lot for me to stop
To keep a clear head
If I don't focus I might slip up and call you baby
Darling, sweet, my love

Gotta get it into my thick skull somehow
You are not my love
You are not my love
You are not my love
And you are not my home
I backspace, can't call you baby
I know, I know
It's too much
I'm sorry

Something sick, unfair inside me says please love me
Says think of me, talk to me, write for me
Says I need you like oxygen so tell me you need me too
And it happens around the same time of night, ever night
Something sick, unfair awakens
And the whispers grow louder
And *I wish I'd just die

heavy
it sets in heavy
in my bones and chest and conscience
and i think i've spent too many nights wishing and
i think it's not fair to anyone involved
(again
suicide coils around my heart
coaxing
never ever feel alone again)

I wish I never borrowed in another's arms and called that Home
Maybe then it wouldn't be so hard a task to sleep Alone

sometimes i want to be proven wrong
sometimes i'm selfish
sometimes i'm twisted
i know i don't deserve it
i know i don't deserve it

I close my eyes tight
Grimacing hold them shut
I bare my throat to you
And feel your disgust
I'm sorry that I'm not a person
I'm afraid I may have mislead you
That you mistake me for something I'm not
I'm not much of anything and I'm sorry
I don't have magic in my bones
I used to pretend I was made of starlight
And that the night was something I could own
But I'm secondary, you see
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
Forgive me

the thought of you
forms ice crystals in my lungs
and it's hard to breathe again
i don't think i'll ever be okay

wherever the future takes you
let it take you warm and safe
and may the stars fill you with light
wherever you may lay
chase every opportunity
open every door
for this world is too big, my dear,
to not see so much more.
let your future fires lead you
and leave past things behind.
i will come to you, should you call me,
and if not, i will be fine
so long as you live brightly, dear,
like you deserve to do,
i will go where I will go,
cheering for and loving you.

what are you recovering from?
Your description says
"Learning to be okay again"
But what's so wrong, darling?
It's hard to imagine you sitting anywhere other than your throne
Mrs. Cancer Poem
Tell me again how I *"threatened suicide" by posting on my private blog about wanting to die
Cutting people off like you throw away toys
Little girl
Are you seeing the error in your ways?
Does it hurt to know you're not flawless?
Are you hurting from your mistakes?
She lacks a fundamental understanding of what mental illness is and feels like
Lavender princess lavished by adoring peers
Pouts in her a room for a while
But it's okay
Cuz she's learning to be okay again
After walking away with human wreckage in her wake
Crying that she's been shot when she's the one taking aim
Has the pretty heartless girl finally experienced pain?
Will she ever understand?
(Will she miss someday?)

please don't hate me
if we don't get to live these dreams

i have found that dreams never quite work out
not even in sleep

please forgive me if i give up
even after all this time
all these pills
all this therapy
after hours spent in behavioral unit B

please don't hate me
i'm just tired
this world is exhausting and unfair
no perfect god created us
there is no guaranteed light waiting at the mouth of any of these dark tunnels
we just go along
everything just happens
and i am not "meant to be" anything
not even alive
not even breathing

try to understand
i live for very few things
my future, my dogs, the need to be loved before i'm gone
but my future looks rickety
the wood is splintering and the nails are mostly rust at this point
i wasted too much time on things i can't control
and threw away all my potential
and my dogs are getting old
and i only leave muddy footprints on the world
stuck with in betweens and goodbyes
she wrote a poem that called me cancer
i listened

please believe me
i hate my lies, i do
i wish i could control it
i wish i didn't keep color coded strings tied to my fingers, coordinating who i am to different people and what has spilled out of my mouth, burning my tongue, deceptive acid
i hate my lies and dreams and body and breathe and spirit
hell, i hate my passion, it leaves me covered in scars and red streaks
i don't know how to keep energy from turning into anger from turning into marred flesh
i have no self control
but that's a lie, i do, i've stopped myself before,
it's just sometimes i think if i carve words into my skin these things can never leave me please god don't leave me

my chest hurts
all that's left is
i can't touch that, can't listen to that, can't look at that
can't really explain why except for that i can't
can't tell the truth to save my ******* truth
can't remember what i said two minutes ago
can't keep it together keep it together keep it TOGETHER
and i have all these dreams but that's all they can be so why do i fight so hard?
ruining my own life just because it's in my hands
i ruin anything i'm entrusted to take care of
my hands shake too much and i can't quite hold on
and now i'm making excuses like this is out of my control
is it out of my control? is it under my control?
i can't answer these questions i don't know what i'm making up anymore
it all just runs together looming dark and dangerous over my skin
sometimes it sets into my bones and i call it electricity

can you try to understand why i don't want to live like this
and i don't know how to change
i don't even want to get better because i don't know who i am outside this cage
i constructed every piece from scratch and i think it's the only thing i ever made
did i get this from my father?
sometimes i think we're more alike than i'd like to believe
we just hide different kinds of scars under our sleeves

but please don't hate me
if i finally finally leave

I find a poem that reminds me of you
In all your restless moonlit spirit
Besides
A few discrepancies

I forget that the whole world does not have your laughter memorized
And that others, too, have owned the night
From their own little corners

I forget this
So I softly curse the author
For confusing the color of your eyes

I want to rewrite the lines
Of every beautiful, breathless, footstep-tempo piece of poetry
Make little corrections
So our story is never convoluted

Our nights spent alive are far too precious and important

Sometimes I forget that these are not our stories
Others, too, have owned the night
From their own little corners

I don't wanna write anymore
Don't wanna draw anymore
Don't wanna sing anymore
Don't wanna breathe anymore
When I was little they said I was wonderful at all these things
(Except for one
You can blame my dad who trashed my lungs)
And I
Being the budding flower of future disaster
Shaped myself around these things
I branded myself ART KID
I spent hours drawing the individual scales of fierce crayon dragons
I wanted to write and illustrate my own books
But when you get older you read Fitzgerald
When you get older you visit art museums
I can recognize a Rembrandt painting from across a hall so it's easy enough to recognize trash when I see it
Crumpled paper ***** lay scattered around my bedroom floor, my wastebin is full with wasted dreams and how did they ever let me think I could be worth something?
I guess I had potential
So they weren't really lying
But it hurts
You walk around in massive shoes expecting to grow into them but you just get blisters from the friction
I don't fit into this mold but I built it myself so why not?
It hurts
When you're used to the sun then suddenly night comes and you have to invent the lightbulb
But it was always there before
And now it's just gone
Like moments, like people, like potential
So where do we go from here?

do you ever wish you didn't?
do you ever wish it were simple?
i often find myself longing for something easy
something readable
but we've built ourselves from complex wood engravings
i suppose that's part of our story
and i wouldn't trade a minute of our starlight
but you have to admit
sometimes simple sounds perfect

I've spent my whole life with WIPE YOUR FEET written on my forehead in thick waterproof ink but I never really notice because I tend to avoid mirrors
And people always seem so happy when you let them leave marks on your skin so it's easy to forget it's wrong
To forget that I am not made to kiss the feet of those who step on my mouth and silence me
If I look in the mirror I feel used and unclean so I don't
The realization that you are not human is heavy and unpleasant, it leaves you nauseous and restless but people seem so happy when you let them leave marks on your skin so trying to reclaim your being is selfish, right?
Often times when I am suicidal it's because I feel I have nothing to give to the world, I'm not important or valuable but of course I'm not valuable, I'm dinged up and ***** from a lifetime of use
Maybe then it's my purpose to be used
Or maybe there's no purpose at all
Because maybe I am not a tool
So how ****** up is it that I feel I should die if I'm not able to be used?
I'm sick to the stomach as I try to scrub the label off my forehead or at least the dirt from my skin
And feel selfish for looking in the mirror

sign to me your letters clearly
i keep trip,trip-tripping on words
my dyslexia must be confusing me
i don't know what you said and what i inferred
tell me something honest
bold like our stars used to be
i cannot ask the question
but would you answer it for me?
seal it up and send it
watch the paper airplane fly
as you drink sicksweet nostalgia
as i not to choke on mine

i remember thinking you were beautiful
(you have always been)

i was so in love with you back then

(and sometimes the memories are tinted with questions)

you gave me a soft white jacket and i wore it every day so i wouldn't feel alone

when you broke me i threw that necklace into the street by our corner and i regret it to this day

i think i'd still wear it if i still had it

i'm terrified of forgetting and i'm terrified of letting go because i'm terrified that this will always have been the best time of my life
and i don't want to lose it
and i don't want to lose you

i think i'll always love you a little bit

i think my life would be much better if you were still a part of it

i still daydream
about running away
and having adventures
and never growing up

I love you
But I guess it doesn't count

Your pretty gray eyes look sad and you say
"I guess I just want someone to love me back."
My laugh sounds sour, an odd rumble tearing into a half-hearted roar, not in tune with what laughter should be
Because I love you-
And I have loved you-
And I will tell you-
And I have told you-
Over and over.
I have years of smudged, tear stained writing,
Whispers
All in metaphors:
"I just want someone to love me back."
We'll continue this interpretive dance,
Catching and dropping one another
From higher and higher cliffs.
One day we'll die or fly.

I always knew it would end up this way
But I guess I hoped I was wrong
A foolish child with stars in their eyes
Cursed to see the future

i look at you and you are everything
and i wish i were more, more, better
i wish i were some beautiful boy you'd pull into bed
and one you'd stay cuddled up to until morning
i wish i were everything
everything you could ever want or need
i wish this were a love story
i wish i were even lovable
i look at you and you are everything
and i cannot contain the flood of emotion
you fill me with joy and regret and pain all at once
i close the car door and hope you don't notice my crying as i head home
because my love, you are everything
and i'm a spec of dust

You can sit
On the other side of that screen
And pretend you know me
And pretend you could save me
But baby
You don't even know my last name

Catastrophism
It's the little things you say, not to to me but to the wind
It's the way you don't say much to me at all
I am a screaming alarm
Flashing lights and frightening myself
If my voice sounds mechanical enough when it says i am cursed, unlovable, easily abandoned
I will forget it's my own and I will listen to it
I will take the words to heart and the voice will begin to sound like yours
I will fill in the silence
I will search for something, anything to prove the voice wrong
"I'm afraid I'm losing you and I don't know what I did"
"I should have held you closer but I'm afraid of my own strength and now it's too late"
I don't have the words to say what I need to say so in the end I say
"Hey, are we like, okay?"

you find new people to talk to
(or rather
new places to carve words into your skin where they won't look)
when the silence eats away at you
new people would be the ideal
but how can you overcome your trust issues
when they always turn and leave
(and they always turn and leave)

I couldn't find the words to describe the hurt
So I put your name in my skin

I tear pages out of other people's scrapbooks,
Pretend I had a normal, happy childhood,
Dance around reality till I fall over dizzy
And my hands shake with the weight of everything.
I spend my life spinning in circles;
I regress and repress and repeat.
I tear pages out of other people's scrapbooks.
I paste up a collage and I name it Me.

Tell me how my eyes look like hot embers when the sun catches them just right
And how they light up when I talk about my latest obsessions
Tell me you love the way i jump across rooftops
Unpredictable
Always an adventure
Sketch a more beautiful portrait of this marred flesh
Like you don't see my scars
Like my extremes aren't deadly
Like you aren't afraid that one day jumping across rooftops will be my literal downfall
Just a simple slip
Always just a simple slip away