when you sleep it's like you never cried,

breathing soft and steady, wet cheeks dried.



when you sleep it's like you never lost,

boundaries weren't broken and lines weren't crossed.



when you sleep it's like you're still there,

and you still smile and you still care.



when you sleep you look young as I,

no crease in your brow and no old worn sigh.



and so if sleep is death just being shy,

is it still so wrong,

to wish

to die?

Today I looked in the mirror
and I didn't recognize
the face staring back at me
with its cold and tired eyes
purple bags and messy hair
didn't sleep too well last night
lying eyes wide open in my bed
with no ******* end in sight...

now my demons chase me in the dark
running through my ****** up head
screaming out the hurtful things
that some of you have said
no matter how much I try
I can't rid them from my mind
so i scream and scream but nothing comes out...

and it all just feels like...
I wanna live
but I wanna die
I'm trapped again
inside my mind
Just give a sec
I'll be alright
Just give me a minute
and I'll be fine
but if you really know me...
then you know I'm lying...

tossing and turning in my sheets
can't seem to catch my breath
sweat is pouring down my back
but I'm still as cold as death
close my eyes and count to ten
try to calm my thoughts
i left my heart wide open again
and i guess this was the cost

i hurt myself again tonight
tho i said i wouldn't
tried to make myself drop the knife...
but i just couldn't
and my parents won't stop yelling
they're fighting cuz of me
tho I know that I'm not worth it
i just wish that I could breathe...
and it all just feels like...

and it all just feels like...
I wanna live
but I wanna die
I'm trapped again
inside my mind
Just give a sec
I'll be alright
Just give me a minute
and I'll be fine
but if you really know me...
then you know I'm lying...

im not alright
i wanna be fine
just wish i could
shut off my mind
and get to the point
where i cross the line
and im okay again...
but will that ever happen?

and it all just feels like...
and it all just feels like...
I wanna live
but I wanna die
I'm trapped again
inside my mind
Just give a sec
I'll be alright
Just give me a minute
and I'll be fine
but if you really know me...
then you know I'm lying...

yeah thats what it feels like

we were just friends but I wanted more
couldn't look at you the same anymore
i was too scared to tell you how i felt
like how your eyes on me made me wanna melt
I had these feelings i wished you felt too
so i was too scared to see i was losing you
now im sitting here quietly missing my friend
and my anxiety is all i have left

anxiety
it takes a hold of me
squeezing my lungs
pulling me tight until i just can't breathe
anxiety
it leaves me crying
whatd i do wrong
what should i do now
it feels like im dying
look at what youve done to me
to me and my anxiety

feeling lonely without you tonight
now that youre gone nothing feels right
I could deal with the pain when we were hanging out
but now that youre gone i just wanna shout
maybe im going insane
my body cant handle the pain
my brains on overdrive
dont think im gonna survive..
this anxiety.......


anxiety
it takes a hold of me
squeezing my lungs
pulling me tight until i just can't breathe
anxiety
it leaves me crying
whatd i do wrong
what should i do now
it feels like im dying
look at what youve done to me
its just me and my anxiety

She’s cracking eggs.
“What are those?” she asks, pointing to white and red specks in the bowl.
Once I’d have told her it was shell-
but she’s too old for that now
so-
“Where the eggs started to grow”
“Into chickens?”
“Yes”
“Oh” she says, staring intently at a gooey mess in the palm of her hand.
I finish weighing out the ingredients,
wipe her clean-
“Which colour icing do you want?”
She’s carefully spooning cake mix into bright-striped paper cases.
“Can we make angel cakes instead?”
I go into the kitchen to pre-heat the oven,
steal two minutes silence.
Deep breath.
“No. We'd be cutting up perfect little cupcakes to make the wings”
Choked.
I can’t tell her why
I don’t do Angels in December.

People that don't self harm
Don't seem to understand it.
But I don't expect them to.

First, it hurts, A LOT.
It hurts when you first do it
And it hurts the next day.
It hurts when your long sleeves rub against it
And it hurts when you look at what you did.

Next, cuts bleed, A LOT.
At first they don't bleed,
You start cutting deeper,
Then they bleed, a lot.
It doesn't stop bleeding.

Please don't tell me to just stop.
I can't just stop.
It's so addicting.
Even though I want to stop,
I can't.

It starts out as you control it,
But then it ends up controlling you.
You want to wear short sleeves?
Think again, you can't.
You want to go swimming with friends?
Oh yeah, they'll probably think you're crazy.

Every time you do it one more time,
It becomes more and more addicting.
Just one more you think, but no.
This is the last time, but it's not.
You can't just stop.

I don't mean to hurt the people around me.
In that moment, all I can think about is
Hurting myself.
I'm sorry for hurting everyone else
While I'm hurting myself.