curtains up!

let’s start this show

got my mask on

I’m ready to go



lights on!

put on a smile

they can’t tell it’s fake

but I’ve known for a while



everyone’s watching

can’t let them see

how much my feelings

are destroying me



so its lights, camera, action

everyday… everyday

so no one has to see me

fade away… fade away…

Dear sad person,

Its okay

I know what its like to be sad

I know what its like to struggle beneath the weight of it

To try so hard time after time

To wish endlessly that you could just shrug your shoulders and it would all go away

I know what its like to wish that you could just sleep forever because your dreams just feel so much better than the reality

Its okay

I know it might be hard to believe..

But some day it will get better

And until it does

Remember.. I am here for you

Reach out to me and i will open my arms to you

I promise

“If I only had one minute to live, I would spend all sixty seconds telling you how much I love you.”



60 seconds

it may not seem like much

but that was all the time it took for me to melt beneath your touch

60 seconds

held underneath your gaze

you completely hypnotized my heart, then left me in a daze

60 seconds

just a fraction of my life

but standing there with you I realized I didn’t need any more time

60 seconds

thanking the stars above

that it was all the time it took for me to fall helplessly in love…

we were just friends but I wanted more
couldn't look at you the same anymore
i was too scared to tell you how i felt
like how your eyes on me made me wanna melt
I had these feelings i wished you felt too
so i was too scared to see i was losing you
now im sitting here quietly missing my friend
and my anxiety is all i have left

anxiety
it takes a hold of me
squeezing my lungs
pulling me tight until i just can't breathe
anxiety
it leaves me crying
whatd i do wrong
what should i do now
it feels like im dying
look at what youve done to me
to me and my anxiety

feeling lonely without you tonight
now that youre gone nothing feels right
I could deal with the pain when we were hanging out
but now that youre gone i just wanna shout
maybe im going insane
my body cant handle the pain
my brains on overdrive
dont think im gonna survive..
this anxiety.......


anxiety
it takes a hold of me
squeezing my lungs
pulling me tight until i just can't breathe
anxiety
it leaves me crying
whatd i do wrong
what should i do now
it feels like im dying
look at what youve done to me
its just me and my anxiety

(soft guitar intro about 8 secs. at most)

VERSE 1 ( soft and slow)
cold hands and empty eyes
it hit you hard when you realized
that the world we live in ain't so wonderful...
you tried your best to help them heal their scars
but by yourself, you couldn't get that far
and the stress and sorrow started to take its toll...
but you should've known...

CHORUS ( medium-fast and passionate)
you don't gotta be like atlas
you don't gotta carry the weight of the earth
you don't gotta be like atlas
you don't gotta give until it hurts
Oh, when you're running out of strength to lend
and it's getting harder to pretend
you don't gotta be like atla-a-a-as
as long as you've. got. me. as a friend...

(5 sec. guitar break)

VERSE 2 (soft and slow again)
you look outside and there's so much to see
but it's all clouded by the poverty
and everything just seems to be so gray...
Yeah, you've seen so much but still try to be
the happy person that everyone needs
when inside you've begun to fade away...
oh, but you should've known...

BRIDGE ( fast and really passionate)
you don't gotta be like atlas
you don't gotta carry the weight of the earth
you don't gotta be like atlas
you don't gotta give until it hurts
OH BABY
just say the word and I'll be there
at any time, I'll go anywhere
so you won't have to be like atla-a-a-as
when I've got a shoulder to share
no, you won't have to be like atla-a-a-as
when I've got a shoulder to share

( 15 sec. guitar solo)

CHORUS ( softest yet and slow)
you don't gotta be like atlas
you don't gotta carry the weight of the earth
you don't gotta be like atlas
you don't gotta give until it hurts
Oh, when you're running out of strength to lend
and it's getting harder to pretend
you don't gotta be like atla-a-a-as
as long as you've. got. me. as a friend...
(soft but passionate)
no no no no!
you don't gotta be like atla-a-a-as
as long as you've. got. me. as a friend...

" We need to stop raising boys to think that they need to prove their masculinity by being controlling or not showing emotion or by not being little girls." (-Gloria Steinem)

I'm tired of people saying
that boys should never cry
crying is part of feeling--
which we should never deny
boys can be hurt
and boys can bleed
and sometimes crying
is just something they need
it doesn't make them girly
or any bit less strong
it just proves they have a heart
so how can it be wrong?
if having a heart
and showing it means
that you're not good enough
or you're thought of as weak
then quite honestly
i really don't think
i'd like to be a part of
this society

Standing on the edge of the crowd
racing mind, sweaty hands
trying to calm down but
you're scared & you can't
your heart beats faster
the voices get louder
the lights start spinning
you're getting dizzy
and you just...
can't seem to...
breathe

Sitting in the crowded lunchroom
self-conscious & afraid
Are they judging me?
Can they somehow see?
My panicked face?
My heartbeat race?
or the anxiety,
taking hold of me,
until I...
just cannot...
breathe?

Why can't I breathe when I need to most?

Standing at the front of class
icy smiles, staring eyes
watching every move I make
trying to see beneath my disguise
Why do they watch me?
What do they hope to see?
As my chest tightens
my visions darkens
And I...
just cannot...
breathe...

But I want to breathe...

Corona! Corona!
We hate you! You stink!
We all try to wash you away in the sink,
If you were a drug,
I'm sure we'd all quit,
Corona! Corona!
You're a real piece of st!

We'd rather go out
and buy tons of food
or buy the last pack of tp
(which is really rude),
buy clorox and lysol,
and clean till it hurts ,
than risk catching you
'cause FK, you're the worst!!

Corona! Corona!
you're last on our list,
we simply can't see
why you even exist,
if you just disappeared
you'd tickle us pink...
Corona! Corona!
we hate you! You stink!

I know you don't believe me anymore
but I still want to say it.
So, here goes... I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for letting you down, time after time.
I'm sorry for repeating the same mistakes, over and over.
I'm sorry for not trying hard enough to get straight A's.
I'm sorry for thinking that A's & B's were good enough.
I'm sorry for not having any common sense.
I'm sorry for being hard-headed & stubborn.
I'm sorry for being passive-aggressive without meaning to.
I'm sorry for not being mature enough for my age.
I'm sorry for breaking the rules.
I'm sorry for going through the fridge without permission and eating food that doesn't belong to me.
I'm sorry for occasionally taking things that aren't mine from around the house because no one uses them anymore.
I'm sorry that I'm not as angelic as my little sisters.
I'm sorry for all the headaches I've given you.
I'm sorry for all the fights I've caused between you and Dad.
I'm sorry for being a disappointment.
I'm sorry that I like to watch TV.
I'm sorry that I get distracted easily.
I'm sorry that you think I'm weird.
I'm sorry for how I look when I take a picture.
I'm sorry for having an uncontrollable habit that led to me creating scars all over my face.
I'm sorry for having depression and anxiety.
I'm sorry that I have ADHD that I don't know how to control.
I'm sorry that I don't fit in anywhere.
I'm sorry for spending 12 of my 16 years of life trying to make you as proud of me as possible, but instead making you count the days until my 18th birthday so I won't be your problem anymore.
I'm sorry for being a horrible person in your eyes.
I'm sorry that you think I'm heartless because I never cry in front of you.
I'm sorry that you think I don't care about anyone or anything.
But most of all,  I'm sorry that you think that this is actually who I am...

so what if I'm a little tired
so what if I'm a little stressed
every day I keep on pushing through
or at least I try my best

okay maybe I don't eat enough
and it's kinda bad for my health
but technically
that doesn't mean
that I need professional help

because I'm ok
it may not seem like it
but I'm ok
I'm not a little kid

I don't need you to kiss my hurt
& try to make it go away
everyone knows that doesn't work
at least… not for me anyway...

(Verse 1)
Help me
I can't carry on like this
oh darling, without you
I've lost my purpose
when I was with you
it was like the stars had found their shine
I just don't know what I 'ma do without you in my life

(Verse 2)
I trusted you
with all my broken pieces
but you took my heart and left me
all alone and speechless
You gave me all theses promises
said you wouldn't let me hurt no more
but you took those pretty lies of yours
and walked right out the door...

(Chorus)
Still, here I am...
crying on my knees
feeling so ashamed of
all my desperate pleas
you'd already made your mind up
but i still begged you helplessly
baby darling please please please...
don't walk away from me

(Verse 3)
I can't breathe
feels like i'm drowning all the time
all the signs that you were sending
made me believe that you were mine
it's like you were the fire and i was the moth
I couldn't help but be drawn in
time after time I said I wouldn't get burnt
but here I am again...

(Chorus)
Still, here I am...
crying on my knees
feeling so ashamed of
all my desperate pleas
you'd already made your mind up
but i still begged you helplessly
baby darling please please please...
don't walk away from me...

(Bridge... I think?)
oh.. i'm broken
down crying
yeah, my tears are falling like rain
you don't want me
but I want you
and that's what's causing me this pain
Oh I brought you flowers
gave you all my hours
but you still backed up all your things
and even though i begged you...
begged you not to leave
you still walked away from me...

It's nighttime now...
the sun has said its goodbyes
and disappeared beneath the ground
now...
as the moon rises in a coal-black sky
and the beauty of the stars
is blurred by the water in my eyes
I lay here...
with tears running down my face
my breathing ragged
as I try to calm my racing thoughts
and battle the tsunami inside
carrying monsters
with all-too-familiar names...
depression
anxiety
self-hatred
low esteem
guilt
shame...
telling me lie after lie
but like the idiot i am
i listen...
you're ugly
no one likes you
you're weird
you'll never fit in
you're not good enough
you're not perfect enough
you're not pretty enough
you're not smart enough
you're not tall enough
you're not girly enough
you're not cool enough
you're not enough...
enough...
enough...
...
...
ENOUGH!
I can't take it!
it's too much for me!
can't you understand?
this is the only way...
this is all I know..
when the pain inside is too great
I grab my paintbrush of destruction...
and I start drawing lines...
short lines
long lines
deep lines
shallow lines
straight lines
jagged lines
line...
after line...
after line...
until I can breathe again
and just sit
and calmly watch
as the lines begin to bleed
spilling dark, ruby-red ink
MY ruby-red ink...
all over the bedsheets...
and I think:
What a beautiful masterpiece...
as my tired eyes begin to close...
and I finally drift off to sleep...

“Depression is feeling like you’ve lost something but having no clue when or where you last had it. Then one day you realize what you lost is yourself.”

I think I’m losing myself

don’t know what choice to make

I can feel myself drifting

with every little step, I take

it’s getting harder to focus

and harder to concentrate

just hoping someone pulls me back

before it becomes too late

and I’m completely lost

or I’ve drifted too far away…

I just want to feel connected!

I just want to FEEL, okay?!

pay me no mind
i'm just a figure in the background
don't waste your time
trying to spot me amidst the crowd
i think you'll find
it's better just to walk away now
i'll be alright
and eventually... i'll just be another face that you've forgotten about

once you forget me...
and let me fade to gray...
just forget me...
it's just better this way..
so please forget me--

forget me...

"It's okay to be a glowstick. Sometimes you have to break before you can shine."

you can call me names
you can make me cry
but all the things you do
only help me learn to fly

you can call me stupid
say I just don't got a clue
but you're the one who's clueless
of the things that I've been through

But go ahead & try to hurt me
I've got a secret you don't know
anytime somebody breaks me
like a glowstick, they make me glow

So just try to bring me down
go ahead and cross that line
and just like any other glowstick
you'll only make me shine

According to these papers,
I was born upon this day.
I'm "officially" one year older
but I just don't feel that way...

According to these numbers,
I turn seventeen today
I'm practically an adult now
and yet... I still don't feel that way...

I feel...
I feel like I'm six
insignificant and small...
except now there's no-one left here
to catch me when I fall

I feel...
I feel like I'm eight
sensitive and shy...
even now a single comment
is enough to make me cry

I feel...
I feel like I'm ten
too quick to give out trust...
excep now i've learned to grab whoever's left
before they leave me in the dust

I feel...
I feel like i'm twelve
my light's begun to flicker...
tired of people never listening
so I learned to talk a little quicker

I feel...
I feel like I'm 14
afraid and unsure...
hating the way I look and act
walking through life so insecure

I feel...
I feel like I'm sixteen
and i've begun to fade away...
walking through life with my shoulder's hunched
and crying more and more everyday

Do tell me I'm seventeen
you might believe that to be true
but i'm still a lonely little girl...
trying to fix herself...
with a bottle of glue...

damaged.

my heart, my mind, my soul.

tired.

sleep seems like too farfetched a goal.

lonely.

pieces missing from me that keep me from being whole.

breaking.

the obstacles they throw at me have finally taken their toll.



I’m only human

YOU should know

I’ll never be perfect

so let it go

I make mistakes

I let you down

I make you mad

I make you frown

I’m only human

just a girl

crashing and burning

my way through this world

I fall down

make a bad mistake

but that shouldn’t be

all it takes

for you to stop believing

in me…



I’m only human

can’t you see?

I’m only human

that’s all I’ll ever be

I’m only human

I’m only human

and all I need

is for you to love me…

for me…

Knife in the chest
Twist it in deep
Now sit back boy
& Watch me bleed
See what you’ve done
The damage you’ve made
      I just hope it was worth
The cost that I've paid
Oh why did you do this
How could you hurt me so bad
You knew that I liked you
Still, you went and did THAT
Now you’ve broken my heart
When it still wasn’t whole
But you didn’t stop at that
You just had to crush my hope
So now I’m sitting in the ashes
Of the fire that you built
Hoping you get crushed
By the weight of your guilt
Cuz what you did to me
I just didn’t deserve
You couldn’t even tell me
Cuz  you didn’t have the nerve
So I ended up learning it
From somebody else
Cuz you didn’t have the guts
To tell me yourself
So right now I’m just hoping
That one day this won’t hurt
And that you’re hurting just as badly
As this heart that you’ve burned

“People don’t tell me what I need to hear. I listen to the unsaid words, observe quietly, read the unspoken words between the lines. The words they think they hide from me. This kind of listening is an art in itself.”



you whisper hurtful words

around the corner … down the hall

you think, “what she doesn’t know can’t hurt her”

but you’re not there to see me fall



cuz I know what you’re not saying

and I hear what you won’t tell

I see through your disguise

so I won’t buy what you’re trying to sell



I hear the hidden secrets

I see the guarded faces

I can read between the lines

and see between the spaces



I don’t need you to lie to me

or try to hide what you really feel

cuz I’m tired of all the fakers

and I’m yearning to know what’s real…

why is it that after years
of being emotionally and
occasionally
physically abused
by the woman
I was supposed to call my mother
that I still feel so broken
now that you're gone forever?
how? why?
is there something wrong with me?
to still love and miss you?
after all the ******* hell
you've put me thru...
I still miss you...
and for the life of me...
I have no ******* idea why...

headaches
almost daily

get up too fast
i'm dizzy

Stomach growls
I'm not hungry

but I swear I'm fine

popping pills
To fix my head

it's getting harder
To leave my bed

all my demons
Want me dead

but I swear I'm fine

I'm fine
I'm fine
I'm fine

I think...

I'm so tired

I just want to sleep

is it really a bad thing

To want to sleep

and sleep

And quite possibly

Never wake up?

To just close my eyes

And surrender

To the overwhelming fatigue

and weight of my eyelids

And stay in the darkness

Forever?

I– I don’t know…

I just need something.

I don’t know what it is

all I know is something’s missing



like there’s a part of me that’s gone,

like there’s this empty space,

like there’s a little piece of me,

I somehow just misplaced…



I– I don’t know

I’m not sure what to do.

I know I’m missing SOMETHING

but as to what, I have no clue…



there’s just this voice inside of me

that urges me to look

to do my best to find something

to fit the piece that someone took



I just feel this ache in my heart

I just want to be held tight

by someone who loves me

and can tell me it’s alright…


and maybe… they could help me…

heal my scars before they bleed…

maybe they can help me figure out

what it is that I need…

All I need is to be loved
By someone who won't leave
When it gets a little hard
To deal with all of me

Someone who will sweep me off my feet
And stare into my eyes
Who will grasp me close to him
through all my tears and sighs

Someone who can be the shining knight
Who'll hold me in his arms
While he battles all my demons
And keeps me safe from harm

Someone who can take my broken pieces
And put them back together
A fierce yet gentle guardian
Who will stand by me forever

Someone who will wipe away my tears
When I shake and cry
Someone who will love me
Through everything
And never say goodbye...

thoughts

in my head, they’re racing

while in my heart

the demons are pacing

rattling my bones

now my back is aching

from the battles, I’ve fought

when there was no escaping

I pushed and pulled my way through

stitching myself up

when I ran out of glue

always without choice

never had a say

when you have no voice

how can things be okay?

" We are all born so beautiful. The greatest tragedy is being convinced we are not."

Once upon a time
there were things I did not see
I was completely blinded to
the beauty in front of me...

See, every morning
I'd look at my reflection
I never saw the beauty there
I only saw the imperfection
The mirror told me things
and like a fool, what did I do?
I hung onto every lie it said
convinced that they were true...

But they weren't...
the mirror had lied
I wasn't ugly...
I had beauty INSIDE!
I only had to stop
and step away from the mirror
That was all it took
for my vision to get clearer

So I'll throw away the mirror
stand back and watch it shatter
'cuz I'm perfectly imperfect
and to me...
that's all that will EVER matter

VERSE 1
the countdown has started...
I'm running out of time...
to find the broken pieces
of this fragile heart of mine
yeah, I know that I could fix it
if I decided to try
but sitting here without you
I can't find a reason why...

VERSE 2
I gave you the keys...
to the lock around my heart...
hoping and praying
you wouldn't tear me apart
I gave you my everything
my heart was yours to take
but you took this heart
made out of glass and smashed it
like it was yours to break...

CHORUS
but now you..won't ever have a clue
of what you did to me
the way you made me bleed
no, you...won't see how the things you do
hurt me to the core...
baby I can't take it anymore
so, please... just stop your apologies...
you don't mean them anyway
and I've got nothing left to say
except goodbye...
now that there's no more you and i

VERSE 3
my skin is cold as ice
i'm freezing to the touch
missing your pretty smile
'cuz it warmed me so much
And the silence is deafening!
it's crashing through my head!
can't stop myself from thinking
about all the things you said...

VERSE 4
you told me that you loved me
you told me that you cared
you told me not to worry
'cuz you'd always be right there
and I know I shouldn't have listened
should've walked right out the door
but then you called me beautiful...
and I felt something
that I've never felt before...

CHORUS
but now you..won't ever have a clue
of what you did to me
the way you made me bleed
no, you...won't see how the things you do
hurt me to the core...
baby, I can't take it anymore
so, please... just stop your apologies...
you don't mean them anyway
and I've got nothing left to say
except goodbye...
now that there's no more you and i


no, no, no, no, no, no,
There's no more you and i

I can feel it
it rips at the walls
around my heart
desperate to be let in
so it can tear me apart
it claws
at the doors of my mind
screaming its battle cries
determined to get in
it tries
and tries
and tries
not only my pain
but the pain
of a thousand different souls
each of them furtively
trying to become whole
everywhere I go I feel it
like a presence in the air
pain so great
and sorrowful
it brings one to despair
I feel it in the street
and
I feel it in the store
I only wish
I didn't have to
feel it anymore...


not one
but a thousand
my demons
your demons
and everyone's

“When I say I can’t take on even one more thing, I really need you to understand I really just can’t.” (Christine L Hauck)

every hour…

every day…

you follow me so closely

and I just can’t breakaway

everything I say…

everything I do…

it’s always be controlled

by you, you, YOU!

the pressure you put on me…

I just can’t take it!

I’m sick of the burden

and tired of faking it!

I’ll never be perfect

that’s what mistakes are for

I give you everything I am

but all you want is more!

the weight is too heavy

when you ask for so much

one day I’ll fall

and I know I’ll be crushed

because the pressure you place

on top of my shoulder…

might just be what kills me

when I finally get older…

Im not perfect. Yes.. I know
I'm still scared of letting go
all the pain that's in the past
Makes it hard for joy to last
Take my hand and say im fine
I just need a bit more time
You say it might hurt right now
But you know I'll make it through somehow

Why do you lie to me
Say i never need to hide
Why do you cry for me
When It starts to hurt inside
I'm not broken im just bent
this ain't hurt words can prevent
Look me right inside the eyes
And keep on saying pretty lies

Eyes get dark I moved too quick
Show me food and I'll feel sick
Body aches and dizzy spells
Can't fix me im too unwell
Six different kinds of pills
The kind of pain that can ****
You say if only I try
But I think it's best you say goodbye

Why do you lie to me
Say that I will be alright
Why do you cry for me
When I can't fall asleep at night
I'm not heartless im just scared
That when I wake you won't be there
But I will take off my disguise
If you stop saying pretty lies

Heartache and a pounding head
Wasting away inside my bed
I mess up and push away
All the friends I'm scared won't stay
I use sleep as an escape
And hate the way my body's shaped
You say you'll stay when it hurts to breathe
But when things get too hard you leave

So please don't lie to me
Say that you will never leave
I know you cry for me
When I say I don't believe
That I'm worth the effort it takes
To fix the bruises and the breaks
But if you tell me one more time
I might believe your pretty lies

“When people hurt you over and over, think of them like sandpaper. They may scratch and hurt you a bit, but in the end, you end up polished and they end up useless.”(― Andy Biersack)



burn me, scratch me, hurt me…

I don’t give a ****

cuz all the hurtful things you do

only make me who I am



you can try to put me down

or call me an ugly name

but no matter what you do to me

you’ll never win this game



cuz I’m a diamond in the rough

I’ll sparkle through it all

and no matter what you put me through

you’ll never make me fall!

Every day it's the same routine
put on a smile that you don't mean
just so they won't know...

you hear the hurtful things they say
when your back is turned the other way...
and you start to feel cold...

you've got demons swarming in your mind
that it's a struggle just to keep inside
and you're losing sleep...

their voices haunt you in the dark
with hurtful words and sharp remarks
that never fail to cut you deep...

oh, you could break a million bones
or spend your entire life alone
and even get stabbed with a knife...

but none of these could compare
to a broken heart you can't repair
and the things that scar you for life...

because some things scar you for life...

I've always had the biggest dreams
the biggest goals
ever since i was a little kid
everyone always told me i set the bar too high
but  i know i did
still they continued to tell me the same thing

silly little dreamer
they tell me
don't you know,
you're aiming much too high?
if you're not careful, they tell me
you just might find
while you've sat there and dreamt
your silly little dreams
the whole world has passed you by

and yet, while they stand there
and rebuke me
laughing all the while
silently i sit here listening
as they call me ridiculous
with naught on my face but a smile

don't you know, i say
i know i might never
reach all of those bars
but when i aim for the moon
and somehow fall short
i'll still land among the stars?

so i'll dream as big as i want to
there's no such thing as too high or far
there's never an end to what you can achieve
if you continue to raise the bar

It's okay...
It's alright...
sleep my child
you'll be just fine...
just close your eyes
and sleep my child
escape the pain
for just a little while
i know its hard-
hard to believe
that its okay
to fall asleep
i know you're scared
that if you close your eyes
it'll be your fault
when someone dies
but you're not the reason
it wasn't your fault
but you can't keep them alive
with water and salt
so sleep my child
i'll hold you near
things will get better...
just trust me my dear

What do you do
When your mind's a living hell
Filled with demons and monsters
And you're trapped beneath their spell?
What do you say
When someone asks if you're okay
But the truth is, it's a struggle
To even make it through the day?
Yet, it all comes down to one thing:
Who you think you can trust
When you've been hurt too many times before
And it's usually because...
You're too soft and you know it
Just accept the truth
You don't know how to stop them
From taking advantage of you...
Still, it wouldn't be so bad
If it weren't for one small thing...
It's sad but quite true, you know
soft hearts break so easily...

they think they know
what my life is like
but they don't sit here
listening to their parents' fight
praying for it to end
while they argue past midnight
trying  my hardest to pretend
that things will be alright
but knowing they won't
cuz you can't fix something
that was never even whole
to start with...
and when they do get along
you're not happy, you're scared
you hold your breath
and make sure to stay aware
cuz it never lasts long
and once they start they won't stop
so you sit and just wait
for the other shoe to drop...

What’s wrong with me?
Every time I see your face
My heart starts beating
All over the place

I can’t stop these feelings
These emotions you ignite
Even though you hurt me
I still hate it when we fight

The pain that’s in my heart
The things I’ll never say
I guess it’s true you know
There’s always a price to pay

Well this is my price
A pain that cuts so deep
Making me afraid
That I’ll never be complete

Tears hidden in my eyes
A broken heart that barely works
Sadly that doesn’t even
Dent the list of all of my hurts

I know you want to fix this
And you would if you knew how
But you can’t ask me for answers
That are yours to figure out

Is it my fault or isn't it not
i dont't know.. i just can't get rid of this thought
even before it was said unto the air
the thought would follow me everywhere
maybe I could've been a better daughter
maybe I could've tried a little harder
to pull myself together and make her proud
or kept my mouth shut and been less loud
maybe if I hadn't been so annoying
then everyone here could still be enjoying
the gift that was her wonderful presence
but as it is her being gone represents
what a failure I am, I wasn't good enough
I didn't try hard enough to keep up
I couldn't be selfless and pull myself out
of the depression that's constantly dragging me down
so I piled even more on top of her shoulder
and now it's my fault that she won't get older..

or isn't it?
i don't know anymore I'm losing it....
this battle I'm fighting within myself
cause I'm still too scared to ask for help
I mean.. they know the basics of the problems
and they think they've figured out how to solve them
but there's this voice within me I'm scared to make known
I fear they won't understand that it's not really my own
it tells me troublesome and worrisome things
the more I force it out, the louder it sings
" no matter what you do you'll never be enough!
don't you think it's time that you just give up?
No-one would care if you just disappeared..."
and on and on it goes, voicing all the things I've feared

I'm just a bundle of crazy irrational thoughts
that scratch and poison my heart as it rots
stupid and ugly things that don't make sense
like: I don't deserve those clothes, I'm just a waste of expense...
and a small part of me knows they're not true
but a bigger part of me's tired of pushing through
like when my mood drops and it's hard to even eat
my stomach feels nauseous and my heart quickens its beat
my mind feels raw and my feelings are sensitive
even if the insults you give really aren't inventive
the smallest word you speak still cuts me deep
it's gotten to the point where I don't get enough sleep
I mean I sleep for hours & hours and yet when I wake
my eyes are still droopy and my whole body aches...

and I know I should say something about it
but I'm just too scared that they'll all just doubt it
I'm not making this up, it's all truth I swear
there's just too many monsters that scream "they won't care!"
it's a constant battle between reality and fiction
and I really feel that words aren't an accurate description
it's hard to focus and hard to concentrate
there's too many thoughts inside of my brain
it's complete and utter chaos morning and night
'till I run out of energy and start losing the fight
and I don't know what to do anymore...
so I guess this is my cry for help?

to feel happy...
2. to feel loved...
3. to feel free...
4. to get a good night's sleep...
5. to not worry as much...
6. to feel beautiful...
7.to not look in a mirror and immediately look away because I hate the way I look...
8. to feel like my existence matters...
9. to help change the world...
10. to feel happy...

Seems simple enough, right?...

It's not.

Lately, I've just been so tired
Worn out by the troubles of every day
Damaged by the hurtful things
They don't know I've heard them say
The trials that I go through
the struggles that I fight
The thoughts that haunt me in the day
And keep me up at night
It just seems so pointless
to keep moving even though
It would be so much easier
for me to just let go
Sometimes I even wonder
Why I haven't surrendered
Maybe it's because that's not
How I want to be remembered
Although I will admit
I've considered it before
How much easier It'd be
To not wake up anymore
To hear the darkness beckoning
and listen to its call
to open up my arms
and just let myself fall
But then I remember
What I always seem to forget
The reason why I just
Cannot give up yet
I haven't finished my mission
What I was put here to do
I haven't changed the world
Like I've always wanted to...

they’ll never really know who I am
cause they never bother to ask
people always acting like they give a ****
but they’ll never see behind my mask
I just want to be heard
for you to hear my voice; for you to hear my words
cuz you don’t know that being ignored means being hurt
I’m tired of people knowing my name
but not knowing who I am
I’m not trying to give anyone the blame
I just want them to understand
that I’m don’t wanna be JUST a part of the background
I WANT TO BE HEARD
I WANT TO BE SEEN
I WANT TO FEEL LOVED
FOR BEING ME…