This is a tribute. A goodbye letter, whatever you wanna call it. A thank you, I guess. Thankyou for saving me. Thank you for keeping me. Thank you for watching over me and teaching me and preaching to me and thankyou, thankyou, thankyou for making me see that I was gifted with a life. This is for you. Everything I do, everything I write, everything I say, is for you.
One month ago tomorrow, you died.
One month ago tomorrow, I checked my email expecting to find some spam mail and a few notifications about something I didn't really care about, maybe even a reply from that person I emailed a while ago.
One month ago tomorrow, I checked my email and found an email from your mom saying that you were so sorry, so so sorry, but that you had passed.
One month ago tomorrow, I collapsed on the floor and mourned for the loss of my best friend, my soul mate.
One month ago the day after tomorrow, I walked into school and I kept my cool but I saw you there in front of me. I could put you there and I could see you and I could hear you and you haunted me and my friends all said "You're different."
That day, I had an anxiety attack and went home because I COULDN'T handle it.
Tomorrow, I will walk into school and I will keep my cool but inside I will be dying and sobbing and weeping and mourning for the loss of you.
Tomorrow, I will sit in the same place I did one month ago the day after tomorrow and stare into nothing and see you and hear you and smell you and my friends will say "you're different".
Tomorrow, I might have an anxiety attack. I might go home but I will try not to. I CAN handle it.
When we first met, you told me your worst fear was that you were afraid to die.
3 months ago, you slit your wrists and by the time you realised what you were doing and sane enough to stop you tried to save yourself.
You succeeded.
You got better.
1 month ago tomorrow, you died of natural causes.
We were supposed to become psychologists together and go to New York and study at the same university and open a private practice, where did that end up at?
Goodbye, and thank you, and I'm sorry I didn't say I love you enough, and I'm sorry I didn't take more pictures, and I'm sorry I didn't say what I wanted to say, and I'm sorry we fought, and I'm sorry we wasted so much time planning for a tomorrow we were never going to have.

He is tall.
So tall.
Too tall.
So tall that I have to look up to meet his eyes,
but it’s worth it.
Because his eyes are black.
Humorous.
Sparkling.
Sarcastic.
Smirking.
And his mouth is high up.
But it’s worth it.
Because his mouth is perfect.
Smirking at me, he knows what I’m thinking.
****** *****.
He’s too tall.

I was driving along the M4
Mind wandering when I saw
The Chrysler 300C
That you used to drive.

I remember walking past the car
Every morning
And dreading seeing you
And falling for you again.

But today was different
There was no pain
No memories cutting my mind
Missing you.

I was numb
Body and soul turning blue
Choking on my regrets.

When I look at you
I see diamonds in the sky.
Shining in your black, mischievous eyes,
Diamonds.
Like the lost hopes and dreams of lovers that have long since given up
Like the broken pieces of souls left behind by the ruined
Like the blood that drips from the ones who try to get rid of the pain, but don't know how
Like the smile I smile when you smile at me
Like the laugh I laugh when you laugh with me
But this is me, and this is you, and we are who we are
And we cannot love
So I gather your diamonds and make of them a statue
Rising up, a sparkling beauty fit for a queen
I pull my hands back and shove them against the side
Of the diamonds I stole from the sky
The statue shattered and fell to the
Ground, tinkling like pieces of falling stars.

I just feel like
Nothing's personal anymore.
I can't help but feel like
I'm nothing important anymore.
Like a box on a factory belt, you do your thing,
onto the next one,
I'm just another box,
What difference do I make?
I just feel like
Nothing's personal anymore.

We used to synchronize without realizing.
We used to pull up at the same time and pretend not to see each other
Until one of us would say hello
Or one of us would casually walk into the other
No big, but really
It felt personal.
I just feel like
Nothing's personal anymore.

I used to look for you.
You used to look out for me.
It's not the same, but that's alright
I still look for you
You don't look out for me any more than you do everyone else.
I just feel like
Nothing's personal anymore.

My heart is battered and bruised and torn and fractured and sprained and pulled
And you are a robot on a machine programmed and taught
After all this time, after all this time, you'd think I'd get the message
And I do
But I don't know how to stop
I just know now that
Nothing's personal anymore
Except for my feelings for you
And how worried I get when you don't turn up in the morning
And how anxious I get when you walk into school with deep sunken eyes
And how betrayed I feel when I see you walk and talk to her like you walked and talked to me
And I realize now that it wasn't personal
Well, it was for me but
For you? No. I was just another box on a long conveyor belt,
Another grey brick
Everyone is the same
No one stands out
It's not personal.

I don't quite know how you did it
But I remember it so well.
On a spring morning
In May
You saw me sitting alone at the coffee shop

You took a seat at my table and drank my coffee
Pulled me out of my chair and said
I want to be able to say that I went
On an adventure with a beautiful broken mystery
Like you.

Dazed I was, you made me
Tagged along, I always was quite awkward
But there was a sparkle in your eyes
That reminded me of my father's
Oldest scotch at the back of the liquor cabinet.

Instead of sweeping me off my feet
you tripped me up and gave yourself
the excuse to pick me up again
and the smirk and the sparkle
and the roughness of your hands confused me.

And when you rolled up your maps
And packed up your compass
And left me stranded in the jungle,
I realised I should have known
That the sparkle in your eye was dangerous.

My best friend often asks me why I wait for you.
I always say, "waiting? what on earth are you talking about, muppet?"
But on the inside I know I am waiting.
Waiting for you to come by and rescue me,
Waiting for you to come out of your room and walk me to the car,
Waiting for you to park up and say "good morning",
Waiting for your cologne to waft past me and make me cry,
Waiting for you to kiss me, even though we both know you can't,
Waiting for you to love me, even though you never will,
Waiting to see you, simply because,
Waiting for you to finally realise
That I'm irrevocably in love with you.
Will you have me? Please?
I'll wait for you forever.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just praying to a God that I don't believe in
Because I've got time but he's got freedom
And when a heart breaks it don't break even.
While I'm wide awake,
He has no trouble sleeping.
And when a heart breaks it don't break even.

What am I supposed to do
When the best part of me was always you?
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up
And you're all okay?
I'm falling to pieces.

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words are gonna stop the bleeding
And when a heart breaks it don't break even.
I'm falling to pieces.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Praying to a God that I don't believe in.
I've got time but you've got freedom,
And when a heart breaks it don't break even.

If I should have a daughter,
Well, I'd probably lock her away and buy her a suitor
Because I wouldn't want her to feel what I felt.
I'd probably buy her everything
So she wouldn't feel what I felt.
I'd most probably
Eventually
Turn my house into the greatest functioning dystopia
A pill would take away the pain
Everything was chosen for you
The giver, the receiver, everything mapped out
So she wouldn't feel what I felt.
I would probably find friends for her that she could trust
And she would never fight with
So she wouldn't feel what I felt.
If I should have a daughter, I would cry each night
Because I would know
Eventually, she would feel what I felt
And quite possibly more
And I don't want her to feel what I felt
So I don't think I'll have a daughter
So she doesn't feel what I felt.

Your lies attract me like sugar
for flies

Your lies astound me like silk
covered thighs

Your lies make me lust like
wanton women's sighs

Your lies are the embodiment of all
that I despise

Your lies are sexier
Than the galaxies eyes

Your lies I will drink like water
from the skies

Your lies collect like children waiting
to be baptized

Your lies get me drunk, leaving me
With red eyes

Your lies promise me
with goodbyes and compromise

Yet like the sunrise
Unpredictable
Snake eyes- Beautiful, but untrustworthy

Lie to me again, please, it gets me high

I just want you to break me
And it seems like your lies could.

I want to be a child
Picking daisies
And running
And falling on the floor.

I want to be a child
Yearning for attention
Dancing around the living room
On my father's weathered toes.

I want to be a child
Trusting
Fearless
Ignorant.

I want to be a child
I want to love again
With the eagerness of a doe
Bouncing around playfully.

But I can't be a child
Because you broke me
And my pieces
Will not wield to me
Anymore.

Rather, they wield to you,
Waiting for their owner to
Return and fix them
Back to basics.

When you trust someone again
And they break you in half
You feel stupid.
You tell yourself it wasn't your fault but you know
If you had been smarter, better,
It wouldn't have happened
And you wouldn't have felt so stupid.

Standing side by side
Your fingers next to mine
Your hands are like a guide
To the unknown.

Your finger moves
You are oblivious
I'm watching the grooves
Of the banister.

Your finger touches mine
I gasp
Your eyes find the blush line
On my face.

You don't realise
You smile
What I've sacrificed
To be in love with you.

One step.
One brick.
Two steps.
Two bricks.
He smiles.
One wall.
One step.
One more wall.
He says hello.
Another wall.
You talk.
The walls have gone now, you see.
Raw, naked, vulnerable,
Open.
Exposed.
Turn around.
Build new bricks.
Walk away.
Build more walls.
Step outside.
Catch your breath.
It’s over now, love,
Your walls are fine, now, love.
You are who you want to be now, love.
*He’s gone now, love.

As I watched you walk
With your hands in your pockets
Alone and lonely
But seemingly peaceful
I thought
His fingers need me.
I didn't mean the *****, sultry, perverted kind,
I meant they needed my fingers
So they wouldn't be alone.
So I came up to you
And I walked next to you
As you looked down at me,
Amused, confused,
I gently took your wrist out of your pocket
And threaded your fingers through mine.
And you protested, and you tugged, and you pulled
But I said
*"I heard your fingers, calling me, and you need my fingers, so please let me be."

All my stuffs in boxes
Waiting for the pick up truck to come
And take it to a boat
On a sea
to a different continent.

Your picture is in a special box
Labelled "Fragile"
Like your soul.

Your clothes are in another box
Labelled "personal"
Because you never did like
People going through your things.

I remember grieving
For the loss of our love
Because you never could give
Me the key to the box
In which you kept your heart.

Love is knowing that you need him. And being okay with it.
Love is knowing that when you get to this low, you can get out of it for him.
Love is really understanding that it's okay to be scared or afraid or terrified or broken or ugly or fat or mistreated or scarred
Because love sees all of it and smiles and says
"There goes my baby."
Love is looking for him, and seeing him, and smiling because you can.
Love is making excuses to touch him.
Love is really biting and scratching and clawing and punching and pinching and yelling and swearing and screaming
Because in the end, who the hell else is going to listen to you?

Someone asked me what the marks where,
I said they were flowers.
They did not understand.
I explained to them,
They are flowers that started as seeds.
I planted those seeds in me,
They blossomed,
It hurt me.
But now they are beautiful.
My flowers have saved me, you know.
My scars are flowers.

Once, I used to wait up all night
To talk to you
And we'd talk alright
And we'd mend ourselves.

Once, I used to pride myself in
Saying you were mine
And you would nod and agree
And we were mending ourselves.

Once, I left
And you left
And we tried so, so hard to keep it
But we knew we were losing it
Inside, we knew
But neither of us said what we were fearing
We just mended ourselves.

Once, I left
And I changed.
And I was so afraid you weren't
Going to love this new me
So I avoided you like the rain does the Sahara
And I mended myself.

Now I feel so guilty!
Because I know you're hurting
And I can't help but
Want to talk to you but
I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't
Do it

I can't talk to you.
And don't you dare think that
I don't feel guilty
Because trust me I can see your
Messages
IM's
Notifications
And I have to sit there and
Watch them go off!
But I can't talk to you.

Because I was scared
And now
I'm cold.

Every night, I lay down to bed and I close my eyes and I
Don't sleep.
I toss and I turn and I roll and I churn and I
Don't sleep.
So eventually I make up my mind and I decide to abide
To my hearts deep wishes and cries
So I open my eyes and I place you right next to me
Kiss you goodnight and say "You know, we were meant to be"
Make up your arms around my waist and close my eyes tight
Pretend to feel you on my shoulder, bite
and scratch and love
And now I am crying because I can see
That you aren't and you never will really be next to me
Not even in my head, or my heart, or my soul
I'm alone
And I sleep.
I cry myself to sleep.

Like riding a bike after a painful fall
I know it's going to hurt
But I get back on that bike again and I
I find it hurts again
Where I had gotten my hopes up I see now
That it wouldn't happen
That everything would always hurt as much
As it did the last time
And it would continue to do so until
I gave up.

I really want to run, you know.
I don't want to look at you and if I could
I'd put on a visor or a cap or something
Because I'm so sick of looking at you and feeling things
Because I'm not supposed to feel things
So I've decided:
I really want to run.
As fast as I can, got to go.
I won't even answer when you call, you know.
I'll just run.
When you walk in and I feel the urge to look for you
I will run
And I hope, I pray that eventually
The feelings will go away
But once upon a time, somebody ran,
Saying "as fast as I can, got to go"
And I'm so scared we'll fall apart
But you'll be fine because you don't love me
You'll just be holding the two halves of my heart
and I'll be gone
And you'll just wash your hands of the blood of me
And
I know these things.
They say knowledge is beauty, you know.
I think ignorance is bliss.
I don't want to know these things but I do
And it makes it so much worse that I know
That if I ran as fast as I can, saying got to go,
I might escape the pain that you're causing me.
But I can't because I'm not allowed to,
Because if I did I'd make things personal
And things aren't personal here

I have a strange mind, you see.
I know that I might be weird
And that's Okay.
But you see, I can make myself believe
That you are somewhere near, you see.
I can make myself believe
That you are a bit in love with me.
And I can make myself believe
That you and I were meant to be.
And for a second, I can make myself really, truly believe
That you woke up to see me
And you walked up the stairs for me
And you came into class for me
And you came to line up for me
But then reality comes.
And
Everything comes crashing back
Twinkling down, like glass
Or like stars falling from the sky
Jumping after their lovers
Shining through the darkness.

You entrance me.
I don't mean the hypnotic creepy kind...
I mean, you totally entrance me.
You catch my eye from a mile away,
I follow you with my eyes and mouth and heart and nose and ears
because you entrance me.
I cannot be close to you
Because it hurts
I cannot have you
Because I can't
I have 45,389,700 words that I want to say to you, 3 of them being
You entrance me.
But I can't, because you are you and I am I and even though
You entrance me, and I lust for you, and I long for you,
And I imagine you before I sleep next to me whispering
That I entrance you,
There are some words you can't say.

This world isn't exactly what my heart expected
The only thing that makes sense is you
Even though I don't understand us
I just want you to stand so close to me
That you might become me.

These feelings aren't anything I've ever felt before
The only thing that doesn't surprise me is you
Even though I can't comprehend it
I just need you to take the life out of me
I promise I'll enjoy it.

You light a fire in me I've never seen before
The one thing that keeps me sane
Yet you're driving me crazy
With every breath that you take
I want you to take mine away.

I just want you
To do me no good
And you look like you could
Please can you just  
Burn me from the inside out?

Whilst walking down the road
Towards the car
Memories in my mind
I saw you

I'm not in love with you
You ruined me for love, I think
But I still can't get you out of me
You're under my skin.

Like a tattoo etched in youth
Regretted later, skin stretching
You won't ever leave me
I can't get you off.

I hate you
It's not fair because sometimes
You don't know what you're up to
You don't see what you do to me

Once upon a time, I could have loved you
With everything I could have given
And I would have given
Everything

But now you took it, stole it
bandit, thief
You're running away with my broken pieces
You don't even know you have them

But be careful, sweetheart
The thing about people
With broken pieces
Is that you ought to be careful

Broken pieces are beautiful
They glimmer in the sun
Shards twinkle
But they cut deep.

So heed me
And take care
Do not cut yourself
On the broken pieces

Of what is left of me
Just keep running.