I am like a fossil

I built my stone walls
Nice and sturdy
Around my true self

And slowly
Very slowly
The true me disintegrated


And as I faded away
My rock walls stayed strong
And soon a that was left
Was an imprint of me in my stone walls

And I became a fossil

My nightmare woke me up in the morning
to a dark night ceiling

I turned over to see
the blinds holding out the light
A faint grey line escaping
From the corners

I closed my eyes
"It must be seven am,"
I thought

The clock told me differently
It was eleven am

The sun is high up in the sky
by this time
Usually

I had dreamt
of walking in strange
dark places
where I shouldn't have been

I thought that gender equality
meant not being scared of
walking alone

You came along and helped me out
showing me otherwise

My heart which had been waiting
for something bad to happen
calmed,
like the premonition had passed

"I am all pieces that don't fit
But with you
I don't realize it."*

That's all I have ever wanted to be able to say



And meant

Inner Weather Report:


The silence weighs heavily around my ears and it is difficult to focus

Stare at the ceiling but it moves as I end up head-first on the floors





My heart doesn't stop racing as I wonder and double back to crossroads left behind. Self blame is a slippery ***** which I already slithered away on. There wasn't much left and I feel like the hollow impression of smoke of an extinguished candle. My enthusiasm lurks behind corners as I run behind it but I tire out and stop for a drink at the stream of cynicism and depression. A sound resounding throughout my head as I imagine the worst and maybe that's not even the worst. College might not even pay-off.

How can I confide that I am worried because I don't see myself alive and going there means to sign a contract saying that I will not die?


It is a difficult reality and I worry so much.



A girl told me that I don't deserve to be forgotten the second I leave the room; that I deserve people caring and thinking about me.

She forgot everything the next morning.



As someone else sinks into depression, a whole group launches into discussions to help and I launch myself into it, a smaller part of me wondering where they were when I had asked.



It creeps onto me every day- an old friend. I've been comfortable living inside its haze for this long. How can I live without you my dearest friend? You have given me insight and clarity, given my feet direction even if just to throw myself off cliffs and I don't think I'll be me without you anymore.


How can I bid you goodbye? I was never good at those, preferring to walk out leaving bitterness and unsaid hellos and farewells behind me.


No promises and connections.

I've survived in you this long. How do I move on from you?


You are the only thing that has ever been mine, dancing in my tears and depression, asking me to cut a bit deeper, a bit more to the left. My four walls, ceiling and floor- you are my Home. Organically, growing, nestling in the veins of my sins, my existence. You are not a cancer but my closest well-wisher, you are me. To know you is to face myself. How can I breathe without you?