It’s been 625 days since I first knew love
When I handed you a note and you said yes
I still remember your arms around me
As some movie we weren’t watching played
I still remember your smile as we kissed
My lips on yours to shut you up for the first time

It’s been 510 days since I last knew love
When you broke me and deftly left
I still remember the tears on my cheeks
As my friends held me through band practice
I still remember sleeping in your hoodie
My last way to keep you with me

It’s been 336 days since I thought I knew love
When you came back to me so suddenly
I still remember you leaning against me
As you ignored your favorite sport to tickle me
I still remember you keeping me close
Forcing me on elevators and new paths between class

It’s been 237 days since I found love again
When I ended the worst day in the best way
I still remember Parks and Rec lighting the room
As we paid all our attention to one another
I still remember the look in your eyes
As you kissed my scars and pulled me closer

It’s been 221 days since I lost love again
When I needed you and you said no
I still remember crying on the couch
As you left me on open for the millionth time
I still remember the knife in my shaking hand
As you broke your promise again

It’s been 28 days since I let love go
When I gave you up for the final time
I gave up remembering the sparkle in your eyes
Glimmering every single time you smiled
I gave up remembering the calls we shared
When I was drunk on sleep and you were high on life

I let love go

But it’s been 2 hours and 18 minutes since I last saw you
When you walked past and waved at my friends
I remember wishing it was me you’d say hi to
As you headed to your homeroom for the morning
I remember asking my friends what happened after
Because I closed my eyes the second I saw you

It’s been 625 days since I first felt hope
It’s been 336 days since I found happiness again
It’s been 237 days since I felt my heart opening again
But it’s been 510 since I first lost you
But it’s been 221 days since I lost you again
But it’s been 28 days since I last felt happy

His "I love you" came swiftly
Like the monsoon pouring down on a leaky roof
Those three words broke through my defenses.
At first they were an ambrosia;
They sustained my life and our relationship
At least for a short time.

Then "I love you" became an excuse;
For absence, and purpose-filled accidents.
And I ignored the warning signs, the flashing lights.
I pretended like "I love you " was enough...

...But it wasn't.
His "I love you's" were like band-aids on bullet wounds;
Like using play dough to fix cracks in concrete walls.
But I rationed our good memories,
I held on as tight as I could to our love
And watched as it slipped through my fingers.

His "I love you's" became poison
That speed deep into my bones
And turned blue skies grey,
And turned light into darkness,
And slowly killed whatever semblance of love
I fooled myself into thinking we had left
- Kayla Lynn