i don’t remember when i stopped having control over my life
it’s probably when i said “it’s fine.”
when it wasn’t

now i ride along in the train, i call my mind
yellow seats forming
showcasing the fading joy i once felt

there’s also a red seat.
a concerning seat
a seat i never imagined myself sitting in
a seat that represents me, as a whole, diminishing away
where i had my own personality
my own style
my own feelings
my true and original self
a self that will never be seen again

every time i wake up, i always think of one thing

why.

why do i look like this?
why do i act like this?
why am i alive?

that fixed mindset took me no where in life but a deep spiral of unanswered thoughts and questions


-----------------------------------------------------­----------------------------------------


as i walk through my path I come across a creature
a beautiful one at that

it had teal wings like silk
white spots to complement itself
and flies so majestically
so smooth and attractive

i follow it to see what it was
what this organism was

as i stop in my tracks, still as water
i came to realize that this creature was a butterfly
when it landed my soft skin it felt like i was shocked with hope
it gave me a new path of life i've never imagined

now,

i live a life where my eyes are truly open
open to see the light of things around me

walking on these wooden floors seems familiar
the creaking sound
the brown, dull finishing
the musky smell
the surroundings give me a sense of fear and disgust that I never knew I had

as I go up the stairs, I come across this photo
a photo where I see a happy couple, each holding a girl’s hand
i stare intensely at the photo
taking notes on their features
feeling the warmth of the family’s happy smiles


*****************­*******

i run into my room as fast as I can
Tears were running down my face like a river pouring excessively to the end of the waterfall.

i sit on the edge of my bed, hugging myself with my knees to my chest, contemplating my life.
why does mom burn me for getting “bad” grades?
why does dad starve me for being too “fat”?
why is my life like this?

as I walk down the stairs, I notice our family photo
noticing the fake smiles
the “nice” clothing
the perfectly planned photo for others to see and say, “you have such a good family.”

but I see it
i see right through their mask
they calculate their moves to seem like the perfect family
but they don’t know how to calculate what it takes to take care of a child:
the loving family community
the allowance of making mistakes
the state where you feel like you belong

all I feel like is an unidentified body in a morgue
dead
hopeless
unknown

unknown to the fact that I don’t know how to fend for myself
unknown to the fact that I don’t know myself at all