darling,
while i was away
i became good at collecting.

i rallied how many times i thought about you and they became my finest
collections.

here, come tread through this mind
of tooth and bone and there you will find
endlessly
you.

you know i'm a selfish *****
i want it all
i want it endless
tooth & gone
'til i'm breathless

I am sorry.

in the throes of a trophy
in the throes of a nobody
while on top
of
a
beautiful body

nothing so beautiful as nothing at all

I wake
and I cannot help but
wonder
who you now wake up to
if anyone at all
(the mind is trouble)
(the mind is trouble)
(the mind is trouble)

tonight
was not the night
to see your rant about love at first sight
and i told you that
and i am human for that.
for that, i do apologize.
the reason
so many reasons
is that i felt that for you
and for some time
you told me you felt it too
for a time
you told me many things
things i thought you believed
things i believed as well
and i don't doubt your truth
it's thriving
it's pouring out of you
and many times, it is beautiful
but other times it is difficult to see
because i know
there is no room for me
yet maybe we think
there could be
i want there to be
because i do feel that what i've been feeling for you
all along
was geniune
and it's my truth
now spilling onto you
that makes you not pick up the phone
when i call
to try to tell you
exactly this

if i'm a whale
if i'm a rarity
as you claim
well, then i say
that you my darling
are enough for me to want to stay
right here
in this moment
always
wrap my wrists
in your reverence
wrap my heart
in forgiveness
with your blonde strands
embedded in between
my teeth
in this mind, in this heath
i beg of you to tread through this blood and bone
where you will find
devotion to you
alone
lone
lone
just a silly girl
who feels a lot
who has tunnel vision
of piercing your soul
like you've done
to my own

in a dream
underwater
i realize
the advice
i never gave myself
would one day
haunt me
it is here
now
that i cover my ears
open my mouth
and swallow the words
whole
heavy

your body aches
without me
but your mind
fights
and you become horrible to me
frustrated
impatient
unkind
and i know it's time to go
because you still don't realize
how often you take me for granted

but one day
my voice
won't be calling you

will you miss it?

neon time capsule
hung over our heads
half broken thoughts where drunks stupor
i stared past, right into you
as you waved your body in front of this one woman crowd
i bow
to all that is implied of you
how does one handle such grace?
where does one define such feeling?
when time is nothing but fleeting
but you are nothing but faith,
to me.
i rally my head around and
i finger the emblem of knowing
that this body before me
is infinite.

I was always waiting
for marion
for love
can you always hear
what it is
what i am missing

tell me you're alone
tell you i'm your friend
tell you loneliness
is better in the end

when time is nothing but fleeting
and you are nothing but faith to me
to me
to me
to me
i rally my head around what's said
to me
to me
to me

oh, i don't want to be everything
i just want to be (your) something

And the night leads back to you
But I work too hard for someone to matter
that doesn't matter
And the night leads back to you
But I'm so tired of thinking about you

As long as it's not in your hands
I'll wait for it
As long as it's not in your hands
I'll wait for it

if you have a chest then you should
******* feel it
I'm not a wall, blank slate either

i don't envy these grey areas
it fills the gaps of space of where I could be loving you
instead, we're all going to deny the facts
and wallow in our sins
and wallow in our half-truths

projections of what we think is proper devotions
holy hymns, I am summoning you
to act out
and turn me out
where I can feel nothing but your absence
can you feel me now?
can you tell I'm not telling the truth?

I see you
and I want to see you

the timing is endless

Let your life ending
be an example to me

I cannot go like that.

I must stay here.
For so many reasons, I must stay.

sometimes, don't you wish you could just
disappear
disappear
disappear now
(2)

I wring my hands of this
I wring it all
Shake my head in anger
Shake it off
If you're looking for a savior,
well, aren't we all?
I'm still looking for repair of what's been done years before.
And I stare at the world in different tones
And I swear, sometimes
I just don't know.
Would you forget, would you forgive, would you  go?

"i want to be with you//i want to be used"

he sings
as i lay in the background
the piano hits the back of my skull
and i am grateful for the skin on skin contact
merely
you
your body beneath mine
and i remember what it felt like
to ******* endlessly into the night
and you?
i hope you do
i hope that single memory alone
haunts you
when you lay alone in your bed
late nights of longing
i wonder if you will miss me
if you already do

late night rehearsals
jogging in my sleep
most days it feels like
this hard work is worth it
just something i repeat
to myself
when life is a lull
thick vellum around me

the body is a vessel
of tissue and blood and bone
i want to leave it alone but
i know myself

the mind is a muscle
of matter and questions and tactics
i want to forget it but
i know myself

the actions we take now
formats what we have the potential
of becoming
and you are too dear to me darling
to simply brush under the rug

too special to overanalyze
i don't need to magnify when it comes to you either
i've learned a lot this year
i'm learning everyday

learn with me.

Pretty soon,
No void will have existed
You know how we humans work
Don't forget
Or pretend to miss it

thank you
for your absence
it reminds me
of why I had to leave

i took a joint
from the nightstand
he'll never know
she took my heart
from the walls i built up
she'll never know

take me up North
take me West
to Monday afternoons
tangled in you
soft skin; aimless
i will count your teeth
with my tongue
and read you stories out loud
with your head in my lap
or your chest on my chest
two palms, the pulpit
where we can undress
the rest of our sins
and finally make use
of them

i want to be nothing
that seeks nothing
that seeks everything
aside from you
in me
to be
the whole of myself

It's okay
To do without
When it's providing
Nothing
Within

i wonder
where it is that you go
when you leave
out of mind
elsewhere
repeating
your same behaviors
i've never been a fan of
the outsourcing of details and denial
so, if you must
then please leave
darling
and stay gone
because i'm tired of
the wonder
when it's not longer mystery
it's exhausting

what are words
but tools to help us either
heal
or hurt
offend
or mend

i can't worry either way

i sit and stand
for some sort of solution
endless chatter from the past hides in small spaces
that blonde mane can create flames
and it does
in your mind
a thousand reasons why
we won't work
in mine
who knows
i've lost track of time

i was born failing
so it's easy for me to hold on
to things
even if they aren't working
i was born into something that never worked

don't you see?

last love's shadow,
exhausting
my mind is a rat race
shook and breaks
and i am not withholding
arms upon arms
wring your regrets around my neck
my darling
i'd still kiss every finger
until you've nothing left
we'll overthink this to death
and then it's up to you
where you'll stand
what's next

One year
The span across my eyelids
The length from shoulder blade to shoulder blade
The inches between
(It) took time away from me
I lost all focus
I lost all need
I'm learning what it takes,
The building
Humble I am to the reprieve
Looking back now
I can be nothing but grateful.

you
you were always
checked out of your skull
and i
i was always praying
you would never
finally
go.

i belong to every day, to everything
in no time, i belong to you

i write
so i don't tell you
think of it as
a form of protection
of a way that you won't have to deal
nor address
maybe you'll read this
maybe it'll make you feel something
most likely not
in either scenario

i am reminded
of when
you gave me the People magazine that had haunted me my entire life
in that moment,
i knew love

i am reminded of my body beneath you
your chest inches above mine
as you were inside of me
you told me you loved me
and i held back tears
in that moment,
i knew love

i am reminded of waking up next to you
in one of our beds
the countless times
your naked back
shoulders pressed against my chin
in that moment,
i knew love

i am reminded of you making the
effort to come visit me
long taxi rides, even longer bus rides
and you'd wait for me at the bar
at my work
seat 3 always
and you would not be able to stop looking at me
with your nervous, beautiful eyes
in that moment,
i knew love

i am reminded of driving
you
smoking beside you
in that moment,
i knew friendship

i am reminded of you
and i am reminded of everyone not you
and i have only felt this way
about one other person
and i know she will forever haunt me
and i question whether or not you will too
true love
heavy love
is what i felt for you.

you being you
unable to look truthfully at
yourself
unable to admit
your addictions
denial
or position
you being you
act horrible to me
and it's hard to not take it personally
but i know
it's because you don't like yourself
right now
but i did
i did