the body is a vessel
of tissue and blood and bone
i want to leave it alone but
i know myself

the mind is a muscle
of matter and questions and tactics
i want to forget it but
i know myself

the actions we take now
formats what we have the potential
of becoming
and you are too dear to me darling
to simply brush under the rug

too special to overanalyze
i don't need to magnify when it comes to you either
i've learned a lot this year
i'm learning everyday

learn with me.

i can't stop listening to this song

i can't stop
well, i'll at least commit to something

nights
where you end up on me
in me
all over
better to be consumed with the body
before the brain

if i am more than god
you are the title i worship
see, i never learned faith through desertion
but i learned to love a woman
who lives like the ocean
swiftly
gently
my body breaks into and over
what waves you create
what love you let under
i drown in the thought of you
enough is never enough
when it comes to learning
you
you
you
speak through me
in many tongues
i want to lap my mouth around the center
of what it is that could make us better
and swallow it whole
leaving the stem
as minor evidence
of how
i fell
in love
with a deity of a woman

at night
we live in a dream
where you will speak
and I will listen
finally
night hours
we are humbled by this love
by demise
by time
it is when I sleep that I never question
why

here i am again
trying to write something down
that makes sense
when nothing seems to make sense
i can't quite remember when it used to

an old friend killed herself three nights ago
and i still can't think of much else
than the time she wrote me
asking me if she could use one of my simple songs
to help tell a story
or the time she started dating the man
who tried to date me
how silly life seems
right now
as i sit on a stranger's bed
writing out my failures
strung out before me

Brianna,
your voice haunts me
as you sing about heartbreak in a room with no walls
the space enveloped around you

i wish we had more time
i wish i could have told you more
more than anything, i wish i could have listened

to anything you wished to share
to everything you couldn't speak

i wish we had more time.

the telephone feels foreign in my hands
when you call
your calls always come without notice
without fail though
once every 3 months
never more
sometimes less
and i have come to expect
nothing
and be happy with what i can get
your attention is devoured
enamored i am by your instability
what the **** is that with me?
i laugh and simply shake my head
because there is nothing simple about
lost love
or heartbreak
or letting go
and girl, i've let go months ago
but you keep your hook
left cleft
embedded in my lip
and you won't fully
let it roll

take me up North
take me West
to Monday afternoons
tangled in you
soft skin; aimless
i will count your teeth
with my tongue
and read you stories out loud
with your head in my lap
or your chest on my chest
two palms, the pulpit
where we can undress
the rest of our sins
and finally make use
of them

we were a scenario that does not exist
it never did
you got intrigued
left your old for a new thing
then got caught up in that wave for a bit
and aw, we were fools because i thought it was bliss
fast forward
to your shrugs and lines
you'd recite
just to get through the night
and i played a part in it
no blame in this
just an honest view
of how you left another and another
that equals two
on to the next
you're so **** good at that
but i don't envy
what you're getting yourself into
darlin, it's not worth
what you're losing
but you got the visions
that i don't see
and i'm not one to fight for what's not worth it
or beg and plead
for a woman with a soft backbone
and careless inflections
no, i don't think you're a bad person
but i don't think you're good for me
and that's a shame
but i'm done dwelling
on what we almost had
no one ever won at that

your tethered past
lingers and surfaces on days it chooses to
and i'm left guessing which mood will greet me in the
morning
i'll always live in your last love's shadow

wrap my arms around you and miss you
as if i've the right to
well, now we do
and we allow it

on the sidewalk
i learned
how to long
how to wish
for someone
how to make
things up
with a suitcase
and hopes in my palms
i searched hopelessly
down that street
every day
waiting for
what was i waiting for?

Dear Universe,

Jeopardy always reminds me of my grandmother
-my father's mother.
Her living room, with the red **** carpet and pink curtains.
Or were they salmon?
They probably were.
I don't remember.
I was 9.
I was not ready to be concerned about those kind of details.
I was not ready for a lot of things.

laying on top of your body
circling an outline with my tongue
around your heart
above your lungs
between your thighs
below your gums

i do it so it feels real
i do it so this never ends
the sensation of skin on skin on skin on
will make you human again

Summer
Always reminds me of
Your Olive skin
Caving in
Onto my chest
Petals broken in
Slowly curving out
In between the ribs
You always wore
The crown, my darling
And now I know
After staring straight
Into this memory
You always will

Loving someone
Is work.
I take the thought into my hands
And run it through my skin.
Until the words fall out
And mold
Like clay
Into dissertations of sound,
Into solemn hymns
A soft prayer.
I will repeat all night and morning
Rituals of romance
Rituals of present tense
Rituals of
I am not afraid of the craft
I was born already loving it

One year
The span across my eyelids
The length from shoulder blade to shoulder blade
The inches between
(It) took time away from me
I lost all focus
I lost all need
I'm learning what it takes,
The building
Humble I am to the reprieve
Looking back now
I can be nothing but grateful.

i am loving you
in this moment
in this moment
i am allowing myself to
be wholly consumed

your blonde hair captivates this willing mind
and i sink further than expected
in this investment
of my heart

parallels and cycles
i am your cycle
soft motion of the tongue
then; gone
and you hear me
an afternoon where you own me
i took your collarbone
and swallowed your chest
hid beneath my teeth
kissing years on each eyelid
the entire time
saying;
farewell. i mean it
now.

This gin
It ain't workin
But I'm trying
And this conversation having around me
Only reminds me that you are not the one talking
So I am in this bathroom
In a bar I won't remember tomorrow
Thinking of you
My darling
You

you
always
were in front of me
but now
i'm finally seeing
you
my
darling

i draw out the heavier sighs
they come out linear
now
torn out from my mouth
no longer huddled inside my chest
i think my mind is still processing
events from the year
earlier on
i started off in a haze
January where I stood in the biggest city in the world
1 million people around me
and dear god, all i thought about was you
but you were long gone
and let me know it
feb and march
i rolled the dice
with love
and it was overwhelming
the blonde swept me away
what can i say?
when i was in it, i was in
two afternoons, i was away from you
and i slept in a hotel room in Boise
where i thought all signs made sense
i was alive
i was willing
and maybe i'm romanticizing a bit
but *******, everyone in that town
is so gentle and welcoming
you weren't there
but i wanted you to
april and may
were long and drawn out
sequences i don't clearly remember
still loving and tender
but realities were setting in
june was caustic and a prelude
to the unsettling July
July- my life paused there then
July- may it always?
July-a reminder that I am human
and that i am humbled
by liars
that i may have been a liar too
once
August was a slow burning rebuild
i leapt off my feet in September
because i had found you
the only you
that should have mattered
but like all things
it takes a while for me
to understand
to realize
that i love taking the harder routes
apparently
apparently
i'm still leaning a lot of things
october was beautiful
lean
and full of new stories
new behaviors
a corn maze where i fell in love with you
your gentle hands pressing the map
directing me
november was a laso
wrapped around agendas
i could feel the burning
of december
i always hurt in this month
so much ending
of so much
ending
please go quietly
i am asking you nicely
you
the only you
i've ever known
i want to know
what it feels like
to enjoy
a whole year

to wake
and see it
was frustrating
but no one's gonna **** up my way

look up
i know it's hard sometimes to
but look at how beautiful you are
how strange and unique
how wonderful your mind works
when you do what it is you do
everything you are working towards
is luminous
and every hard day is a day worth keeping up the fight
i bet your mother is so proud of you
i bet your mother thinks of you before she falls asleep
soon i bet all mothers will praise the person that is you
i'm proud of you
i feel like just by simply knowing you
i have been let in on some gorgeous secret
that i hold in my hands
completely overwhelmed
yet grateful
since the day i met you

the blanket where you came is still in the corner of the house

the ***** laundry pile reminding me of the last time you were here

but the mark is more than a stain

it is a clear vision of what we were for a time

for some months

but then something changed

your love don’t mean what it meant before

and confusion never felt so constant

and “sorry” doesn’t quite mean much anymore

your tethered past
lingers and surfaces on days it chooses to

and i am here
only wanting to be something
(anything)
possibly
you've never had before

such a heavy love
at times, i choke
on the shape
of forgetting you

And the night leads back to you
But I work too hard for someone to matter
that doesn't matter
And the night leads back to you
But I'm so tired of thinking about you

As long as it's not in your hands
I'll wait for it
As long as it's not in your hands
I'll wait for it

I'll be that open book
You don't wanna read
Just yet
But are intrigued by it's weathered pages
Give me a little attention
And I'll tell you my whole life story
No lies, no glory
All of me
Because I know how not to give anything less

G R I D

mark it up
laugh it off
it's a toss
this game of once overs
i've run over
the scenarios many times
in my mind
long afternoon of hours
daydreaming of you
and how soulless our song together is
it's not that we don't have intent
it's just the combination of two sad lines
don't make one thing right
and i want to be ready for once
to look something in the eye
and believe in it
and you know
with your love
i never could
and you never wanted me to

we spent the night together in mid-air; suspended
i saw the truth before my body hit the pavement
i saw the outcome;
i whispered "maybe we've made it"
you held onto the time where it reminded you of another
time
like a trophy
our prize
collected in between waves
or
s i g h s

I am sorry.

"remember the time we were alone?"

i could never forget
how romance stays
under the tongue
through the lip
between the teeth
all i see
are
memories
of you
and
me

you lay in my lap
your head a gentle weight
hair, black and unkempt
you stared at my eyes and whispered
"you know you can't look back"
and I never knew what it was that you meant
until tonight
6 years later

later i would lay in your lap
and sigh silently as i mustered the courage
to tell you
strangely that i was in love with you
the night before i was to move
i'm so glad i did

what we got into
inevitably ended
but you were the age of love
that i know will forever
be embedded

The night I met you
I drove 33 miles
Completely unaware of what was ahead
We met
And no one else existed
As your knee bumped gently against mine
And you grabbed my hand at the bar in the corner while your girlfriend talked to my friends
This fact-
This action that was once so exhilarating should have- in reality- been the red flag
I remember recording your voice
Because I knew the moment I heard it
You owned me
But now we don't speak
And soon I'll forget
How my favorite words sounded

Not looking for casual ***
that's too easy
too easy
leaves me empty
this modern day truth is not made for me
i refuse
i'll stay alone forever if it's gonna be this way
nothing is sacred
everyone is everything
and nothing
and we all say we "love" each other
to new strangers
before we even know their middle names
or how they look like when they lie
or how their father's voice sounds like
(and i have heard your father's voice-you called him just so i could hear
him-it was a Sunday. Do you remember?)
where we value meaningless moments
over loyalty or truth
and i could have been so devoted to you
but naw, you didn't want it
but enough about you
you
you who was
you who never will be
you
you
you
i can't pretend and try to minimize you
you will be what i write about for some time
you will be a story i longingly tell someday
but you won't be the only story i tell
and you aren't the love of my life
because who knows what that even means
modern day love
is
temporary
hostile
withdrawn
withheld
forlorn
complicated
without­ directions
or foresight
tamed
forgotten
unorthodox
a given

and all i want
is forever
unyielding

you let me down
true
your sin lingers in my spine
sinks into my skin
and all i want to do is shake it
crush it up, my love
because you are still my love
and i don't want to love you
but it's the most natural act
so i look past the ache
and take it day by day
i want to see chunks of you
inside of me
swallowed you whole
whole
holy

i sit and stand
for some sort of solution
endless chatter from the past hides in small spaces
that blonde mane can create flames
and it does
in your mind
a thousand reasons why
we won't work
in mine
who knows
i've lost track of time

i was born failing
so it's easy for me to hold on
to things
even if they aren't working
i was born into something that never worked

don't you see?

when really all i want
is to lay in your lap
and recite my love for you silently
in my head
while reading my favorite excerpts
of Kerouac
"The Subterraneans"
out loud

"and i go home, having lost her love and write this book"

having a night alone
i pause at this strange feeling
of feeling possibly "too" alone
like,
if i died while crossing the street
and if they did not find my phone
nor my wallet
would they ever figure out
who to call?
being human is strange
but being an adult is even stranger
i think of this as i am pulling my helmet off
in front of my house
looks like i made it safely after all
looks like we often think the worst
but often we surprise ourselves
and i want to surprise myself
i think of even more things
as i sit typing this
and even now
i wonder
if i did die
while listening to a new favorite song
tonight
as i crossed that street
would she care?
does hating someone even allow you to care?
to be affected?
would she pause
tonight
at all
and finally forgive?

I was always waiting
for marion
for love
can you always hear
what it is
what i am missing

tell me you're alone
tell you i'm your friend
tell you loneliness
is better in the end

when time is nothing but fleeting
and you are nothing but faith to me
to me
to me
to me
i rally my head around what's said
to me
to me
to me

Staring at the holy hands of the one woman i have truly worshiped
the only one who deserved it
I know I do not have it
And it had been 5 months since I saw her but at the mere sight of
her small self
those ears i adored
her arms that i knew so well
my chest broke in half and i had nothing to say
everything to say
but it’s not the appropriate time
good god- now’s not the time
so i held the words inside my throat
and stared at the sky while you were talking to your new roommate
about the brand of cigarettes you now smoke
and i remember always hating that you smoked
because i wanted you to live the longest life
because you were my favorite person
because in many ways, you still are
even though we hardly know one another
we will always know the major details
how our loyalty comes out during the important times
how we view cereal as a meal
how you know the stupid things i do to try to impress you
when i hate trying to with anyone else
yet we don't know any of the small details
like what each other had for breakfast
what our last t-shirt purchase was
or when we last cried
that is, until tonight
and there you were,
going on about how American Spirits are now a thing of comfort for you
and my mind can't help but wonder
what it is that you need comfort for
but tears are welling up in my eyes
so instead, i stare at the sky
and try to block out your speech with stars and unseen things

the pulse of your unknown leaves me wanting more
in every song, i sing of letting go
in every note, i sing of you as home

this state is lonely
i sit on the porch watching a foreign sunset
don't believe for a second that i'm not grateful for it
but i really wish someone would cut through what aimless
perceptions they all seem to have about what it is that I do
and how exciting it all must be
when the reality of too many hours alone
stuck in rooms
missing birthdays
pretending Holidays don't matter
just to get through the day without crying
losing lovers because they can't seem to hang with
watching the calendar anymore
(and who can blame them)
forever missing something
someone
anything, everything
because you are constantly gone

but I say this in the moment.
i know for a fact that i would
rather be lonely my entire life
than be stagnant or underwhelmed.

i sat
my body still
endlessly pining over your love and death
how it all felt the same back then
how it all feels seamless now
as i cup the truths in my hands
and tear apart each one
out of my head
onto my temples
i place
my index fingers
and feel what it is
that makes this skull
work
some heavy blood and bone
some heavy love, that's all

i look at you
in a different
way
even your face has changed
how could it not?
morphed into something aimless
just for the sake of tainting
blonde dream
you died in streaks
wondering where it was you left
faith in
burial
now it's seen
even the sky
mourns you

I see you
and I want to see you

the timing is endless

Everything reminds me of you
Goddamm
You

in a brand new house

with a brand new girl

with brand new dreams

living a brand new world

you could call me jaded

maybe that’s so

you could call me bitter

but i could call it simply “low
when you’re up so high

and your love seems so tall

i am singing down here

backwards from it all

with a chain to my chest

while you pull me so slow

but you act oblivious, darling

when you’ve been nothing but “mr. know it all”

a constant
head check
of lines that i recite
well, pull them out of my mouth
darling
and lap my tongue
around every apology
or lie
and swallow the stem
i want to be yours
but i want you to be mine
oh, well
then
what does that entail
now?

i hum to myself these days
your regrets and your mistakes
and i don't write this to place blame
but you
honestly
were nothing but magical thinking
and wasted time
can't get back the hours
so instead i use them
to understand
that some people
you just can't get