I sit here
In this ***** bar
With you
And we talk about my last attempt at love
And my god
What a failure it was
You- you were always so available
For a short time
And I was caught up in denial and grief
For a shorter time
And now we share ideals over Mexican food
And I hold in
The very thing I would love to say to you
But darling
I won't
Because time seems to never be on my side
These days
Or maybe my entire life
So, instead
I'll think of you
As you sit in front of me
Never knowing
Or maybe you already do

It's okay
To do without
When it's providing
Nothing
Within

like a child clung to you
out of knowing no better
but i knew better
i always have
yet i still stuck around
out of habit?
out of desire?
out of love?
"still don't know what love means"
that ******* line gets me every time
because i live that dusty pain in his voice
when sung
and you and i darling
were a song not meant for singing

you being you
unable to look truthfully at
yourself
unable to admit
your addictions
denial
or position
you being you
act horrible to me
and it's hard to not take it personally
but i know
it's because you don't like yourself
right now
but i did
i did

i left a hair tie in your bed
under the pillow you use to rest your head
are you rested now?
i tried so hard to love you
even when it was not allowed
and you
fought the walls in which you lived
i know you are hurting
i can't imagine the race inside that mind of yours, darlin
but i tried
and i'm tired
of seeing you battle the one who cares for you
so, cling to the sins you haven't committed yet
while i try to look forward
because
forward is all
i have

drunk as hell
in my head
i lay
with arms wrapped around you
it is there
you can be
everything
we would like to be
it is there
only

"I see you everywhere. I see you in sentences inked blue on a crumpled paper napkin, in cars and buses caught in a traffic jam, in the perfect swollen shape of the moon. I see your image in the face of every person I meet: when the cashier hands me my change I am reminded of your long calloused fingers, when I pass by girls with tattoos on the nape of their necks I remember how it feels to kiss you there. Every laugh, every flesh, every smile is you trying to steal my breath away. I think: this is the opposite of forgetting. I scatter your memory to the empty winds, put you inside the pockets of strangers, force you to haunt me like a ghost. This is how I survive your absence. This is how I keep you, darling, so that you may never leave my world again."