The clock chimes midnight; there are tears in my eyes,
We only just met and I heard you say goodbye.
I can understand, god knows I understand why
you wouldn’t want to open this door, but I
can’t explain in simple words; however hard I try
I can’t form the right explanation for how the sky
started to look a little less bleak, my once-dry
hours became a little easier to take and I smile
every time I think of you; and each time
you talk to me I think: how wonderful to be alive

I love your little questions, the way you
wanted to learn the little things, and it’s true:
it’s the little things that get you through
somehow you made the time a little less blue,
the sky more so; I dreamed of happiness and you;
I started picturing you, wondering how you
laugh and whether you like the same things I do
and whether I’d fit perfectly next to you
or in your arms; I found excitement anew
waiting for the day I could run to you

You are the only thing on my mind
I swear; even when I’m out of it and out of time
you were the one filling my dreams and I
wish I could explain how for once inside
I felt warm without whisky or wine;
anticipation and possibilities were running high,
to get to sleep I thought of when I
could fall into your embrace; to call you mine
is all I dream: I’d even put down the bottle, I
would be so grateful to have even survived

If we could give this just one shot
my angel, please; somehow I forgot
how once I seemed obsessed with her and not
able to change; I’ve grown, I’ve changed a lot;
so please, I beg you, don’t be gone
please let me keep trying to explain what
I feel at the sound of your name; not
another person in this world could top
the way I feel for you; we could be in love
and I’d give everything for a chance for us.

Please – I’m uttering it
a thousand times a second;
I’m trying to find the words
and trying to explain

I feel all too deeply; I know,
I wrote about her
like she put the stars in
the ******* sky, I know

How that must have hurt
to read, to see; I
was a fool, she was my
first love and that’s a curse

I’ll carry with me for
centuries; but I do not love her,
do not want her,
not anymore – it’s you

Please believe me, it’s
only you I’m thinking of in
long nights, only
you I wish was here

I am falling, have
been for days ever since
we shared our first
words; I’m falling for you

We could be beautiful;
don’t let this go
without giving it a shot,
I know you feel it

Too – you feel how we
could be so happy
together, so great and
so good; I want you

And only you now; even
if she came running again
I’d walk away and I’d
run to you:

If only I could, if only
I could walk into
your room and kiss those
lips, the way I crave

If only I could hold you;
words make far
more sense in person,
but I swear to you

The thought of losing you
now, angel, it makes
me sick; just on
chance and we could be everything

Please don’t walk away,
I’m not hers, not
anymore and I could
so easily be yours

Just a few more words,
a few more minutes
of trust and I’d be yours
please – please

I’m rummaging for
the right words to say here
and I know you
won’t talk to me tonight

I guess that’s alright;
I hope you wake up,
and under
morning’s fresh light

You can try to understand
I loved her once;
that’s all; once I loved her
but not now, now all

I want is you.

It's the slow letting go
Waking up one morning with a clear mind
Unclouded by thoughts of the past
It's the way you realise
You've been spending your thoughts
On other things more built to last
It's not reliving your failures
As you go through each day
And yes you might still cry at night
It's the forgiving of them
And the cruel stars you once cursed
Even yourself as you see the light
It's realizing that even while
You weren't close to alright before
It is nobody's job to fix or save you
It's realizing you might
Someday be okay after this
The desolation may clear to truth
It's the slow release of
All the things you ******* in their heart
And knowing you will be okay
It's opening up to the future
Letting yourself see hope for once
Even though things will never be the same.

Burning as the smallest star
I tried to be the moon,
To reflect your brilliance
My pure, fire-hearted sun
But I must burn myself,
Weakly, in my own destruction
For I have only ever known
How to set myself alight
Dark flames, burning out
I am easily covered
And like the stars
Once you truly see my light
I am already dead and gone
I am as dust, striving
To implode and remake myself
Some nebula, some galaxy
Dies with me and again
I create myself anew,
I was not born to daylight
To reflection or true brightness
I am the dark
It is all I know, and that
Is why to burn in safety
Will never be my destiny.

Wasted on you are all the glories
Of a world you can only see
In monochrome and silent film
The lights are dull and weary

In greyscale you wander on
The blue sky goes unseen
Or unnoticed by your tired eyes
Head down you walk uneasy

Even your smile is a ghost
Never quite reaching your eyes
Vanishing as soon as they
Stop looking and you huddle inside

Your fragile shell and a mind
So worn down and tired
I hear every laughing word
And I know you are a liar

Or if not a wasted talent
The greatest actress alive
You can never break the glass
But keep pretending to be fine

Immaculately dressed just so
No-one will give you a second glance
You are so scared of everything
You won't give life a chance.

I am bone-white
Am I your skeleton
Or the ghost of a thousand
Pages torn from ivory books
Do you dare touch me --
Will I start to flake
Or crumble into chalk
Powder to be scattered by
The winds to the sky

I am coloured in
Or at least heavily painted
Into the tones of
A girl who could almost
Be real in the daylight
And my ostentatious use
Of lipstick slashes
My skilfully covered face
I am a walking mirage

In supplication I stretch
Cold hands to you
Or to the careless sun
I know not what I seek
Or if it even really exists
I walk in life like
Everything is certain while
I crack inside --
My mind is fragile at best

I am invisible
Am I your shadow now
In the dark I am
Completely indistinguishable
So weak is the fire
That once blazed in
My now glazed eyes
I have been entirely drained
I am my own vampire

I am the winter
Or at least a wintergirl
Ice forms my still heart
Or maybe it fills
The place where a human
Heart used to beat
Fluttering like robin's wings
Avoiding the snow --
I let the chill consume me

I am the best example
Of how you can waste a life
Of time unwisely spent
And all the wrong
Choices are embodied in me
Watching the sand slide
The hours slip by
Through my quivering hands
I am out of time.

Although I long to be held so tight
I see stars; and your arms at night
Could hold my pieces together
Could patch the cracks, keep me
Afloat and standing, shakily
I cannot ask you for forever.

Do not hold me like I want
You'll cut yourself on my hipbones
The razors; my chest would bruise
You as you try to fix me now
Do not love me; I'd pull you down
I could not ask you to lose.

I long for your arms, I miss
You giving me life with your kiss
Breathing fresh air into my lungs
Expelling the poison I hide within
I'll burn you, hurt you, if I begin
To steal your life just to be young.

Although you want to save my soul
And piece me into something whole
Do not caress me as I crave
I'll ruin you; my bones are sharp
There's a hole in my stuttering heart
Maybe we should go our separate ways.

The night time inspires my honesty
As it inspires my madness
My demons face me with burning eyes
And I spill my secrets in
A true voice which only emerges at 3am
I understand everything in the dark
I know why you’re leaving again
I know why I can’t do anything these days
Why the world is such a terrible place
Why I am such a poisonous being
That not even those I love can tolerate me
Or love me to the same degree
I know why I once exorcised my heart
I wish I had never reinstated it
I know why I’m addicted to things
That seem like insanity to you
They take the pain away for a bit
Of loving and losing and living
Eternally abandoned and betrayed
Of never being the right decision
I know I’m never good enough
By night I can understand it
But that doesn’t make it stop
So I grasp my demons by the hand
Anything to escape these visions
Of hurt and loss and a life wasted
Of the hands that held mine
Of those who crushed me into the dirt
And left me to die or carry on
Worse than before and now under starlight
I see why I am so **** trapped
Once I fix upon something I cannot give up
I suppose that’s why I am still stupidly
In love with you and who we were
I let myself believe I could be forgiven
But now alone I watch the moon
I know why I’ve been cutting up my skin
And numbing myself in any way
That would help me escape
Just a little respite from the crushing deep
The sadness I bear as a cross
Carried heavily upon my fragile back
I know why I let demons into
My lungs and breathe them in willingly
I know as I sit in the dark
I am a plague upon this earth
I am a tornado spinning so recklessly
Through life that I devastate
Those who dare to get close to me
I know why they all leave me in the end
I prayed you would be different
For a while it seemed I was living out
My heart’s desire but I am alone now
Once again my only company
Is sickness and devils and destruction
And I understand it completely
But I still burn and ache from it daily.

Don't tell me I'm better
Because my scars are healing
Or because my ribs no longer break skin
Don't tell me I seem fine
Because I look like a real girl now
You can't see the battle raging within

Don't tell me I'm better
When you see me eating pizza
Or taking morning pills to keep me quiet
Don't tell me I seem fine
Because I can sit and laugh out loud
And I can make jokes until the night

Don't tell me I'm better
I've been polluting my lungs
Until my insides are smoke and tar
Don't tell me I seem fine
I can't get out of bed every day
I cry apathetically to the stars

Don't tell me I'm better
You can't tell just by looking at me
Or believing the smile I paint on each day
Don't tell me I seem fine
How can you know my racing mind
You can never judge illness this way

Don't tell me I'm better
Because I no longer have the energy to cut
Or starve but that isn't alright
Don't tell me I seem fine
If I talk to you about normal things
Being able to pretend is not the same as fine.

Why do we pour ourselves into anyone
Or anything, if not to forget?
And why do we do anything at all,
If not to escape; why, if life
Is so hard, do we fight to live it?
Do we find beauty in its faults,
Or love in its intricacies; is there
Some state of grace we can achieve,
Or are we all merely surviving
Through our allocated existence?
Can there ever be more?
Is happiness real, or only
A dream of humanity; did we
Invent it, to give some meaning to
The years spent crawling on this earth?
If we are so evolved, why are we
Also so entrenched in destruction;
The using up of our resources,
The race towards our own ends?
Are we ever truly alive?

The dawn breeze caresses my skin;
How torturous that I feel it again
Maybe this is why I am afraid,
Scared to sleep at night because I
Will still wake to see the new sun rise;
A new day begins even though I tried

It's slightly less painful to be awake
Then slumber through the daybreak;
I'd rather live in the dark than
Wake to it once again, still waiting
For the light hours in which I can
Live with some degree of truth

Birds awakening fill my tired ears
With songs of the new start ahead,
Each day is fresh but I'd rather wake
Midway through it than anticipate
It's coming, now it seems I am
Eternally in the dark, waiting.

Becoming broken is not a choice;
The slow degeneration
Has no fault or blame
It is when your mind is once more
Rectified; what you do from
There is not the same
When sick and becoming worse
I had no choice, my actions
Were not ever my own
But now sitting in the hospital
Seeing clearly my sad
Condition, I have grown
I can now make a choice
As I teeter on the brink
Of relapse and more madness
I could choose to fight
To walk away and learn not
To be controlled by sadness
It means now the flinging down
Desultory, of what I have craved
And sought for years;
It means closing some doors
Finding out what resides
On the other side of fear
To give up control, weight loss
Strict rules; to give up
On the easy destruction
To learn to breathe, to learn again
To feel and to smile
To fight these inclinations
While sinking I had no choice
While torn, no concept
That this is not what life is
But now in the aftermath
Seeing clear my insanity
I can choose to be more than this;
So I choose to do the opposite
Of what the voices say
I may not deserve food, love
But only according to
The devil resting in my mind
I must turn to the stars above;
To eat, learn to fuel my body
Appreciate its natural
Shape, resilience, form;
To stop harming myself as
Some sick replacement
To emotion; not be a storm
I must learn to settle and sit
With sadness, then hope
I will no longer seek to die;
To face my fears, challenge those
Old rules, and now I pray
I can learn to be alive.

It is only at 2am when you will realise
You might have gone too far
You will get up to brush your hair
Feel your body almost give way
And nearly succumb to blackness
Mounting the window to **** down another cigarette
You will realise you kept nothing down
And haven't even tried to for six hours
You will realise you're awake and always are
When the rest of the world sleeps
Because some manic desire for deprivation
Keeps your bloodshot eyes pinned open
You will chew another stick of gum
Tainted by smoke and diet soda
And almost smile as you notice
You ostentatiously pretended to be trying
You've listened to chords and turned
Page after page and turned off your phone
But you're clinging to insomnia just like
You hang on to starvation as gratification
And some justification of your existence
You will burn your back on the radiator
That you're secretly glad is broken
And stuck on max because you are always
Cold as if you were winter itself
And the marrow of your bones is ice water
You will stare at your sternum and ribcage
And seek your hipbones in the mirror
Only to be frustrated because you
Still can't wrap your fingers round your arms
You will almost smell everything you wish
You could eat and not need to throw up
You feel your bones ache and stiffen
And think maybe you really let yourself go
You will think of what to eat tomorrow
Realise you'd rather drink coffee
And you made plans so as to avoid food
You will have moved it all downstairs
In a desperate urge to avoid the binge
And hate yourself for it because now
You have no release and not even blades left
With which to feel something and so
You stare into empty oscillating space
Extinguish your cigarette on arms
Already scarred and cut to pieces
You think to hell with everything and realise
You've really done it this time.

What to say when I've been tearing up my skin
To match the voices that have torn me within
I'm confused at how to really explain
That staying alive requires a dose of pain
Anxiety rips through me like a storm
And I thank the gods I was forewarned
That the plan was born over a day ago
And though I can't fight I can let them know
And my safety can be removed from my hands
I pray I find someone who understands
As I sit bleeding and shaking and broken down
Why I am unable to turn my life around
All I see these days is a cavernous hole
Gaping and pulling and tormenting my soul
I don't know how to convey my feelings of doubt
Of how I can only see this one way out
How I can't see a future or anything ahead
And my mind races and wants me dead
I can't see myself ever really living
When this cold light is so unforgiving
I don't know what to say so I stay quiet
But don't presume there is calm in my silence
Don't assume I am okay when sitting still
I'm planning and I'm treating with devils
Selling my soul for some kind of relief
The scratches and hunger are no release
Not really or at least not good enough
Why do I feel so undeserving of love
So worthless each and every day
I suppose that's why I can't change my ways
Why I feel as though I'm dying inside
Why I see my only option as suicide.

I walked and walked, until I was nearly running;
As if I could match the pace inside my head
And as if I could leave these racing thoughts
Behind me; that calm would come and that,
As I raced frantically on, they would shed
As the pounds dropping from my waist.

I let my hands turn to ice, and I prayed
That the cold chill would creep inside,
And numb my heart as before; that I could
Freeze all these dark desires, and the ache
In my limbs would comfort me; and once
Again I'd find freedom in the empty air.

I could spin you tales of new-found health
Or of my rediscovered desire for the wealth
Of life, and all it has to give
But I could never lie to you.

I may be free but I'm still so shaky
In my goals and my life and being free
The notion of dreaming to forgive
Myself for all I've been through.

It's unfamiliar and now I sit the same
Aching, shivering, and calling your name
I suppose I don't know how to live
I'm scared I won't pull through.

Two bites, just two and you're free
You did it yesterday
Tell me, why can't you eat
Is it because you're guilty
Or because you think you're fat now
Do you choose this freely

One more, and sit, explain
Tell me why it haunts you, why
Human need has become shame
Why is one meal such a fight
Is your brain stopping you or
Are you just wanting to die

Starving is not an art, or poetry
It is not about looking good
I don't want anyone to want me
I simply don't want to need
And now I find myself trapped
By the fear and fallacy of greed

Those bites meant internal war
One of attrition, locked inside
What the hell am I fighting for
Do I want to be rendered ugly
So unattractive I won't be
Hurt, attacked once more and seized

Do I want to repel, or is it now
To be thin and perfect in
My miniskirt and arched brows
Do I want control over my world
As I feel it, myself, slipping
I am becoming an insane girl

If I starve can I stay alive
Can I bear my form and figure
Convincing myself I can survive
On smoke, sugar, and caffeine
On air and diet coke without effect
Do I just want to not be seen

Finish that bite, just swallow
Are you afraid of feeling full
Afraid your humanity will show
Do you fear being seen as weak
Or needy, somehow sad
Is a bone cage what you seek

Don't purge, your body can't take
Another absconscion now
However much you have come to hate
Feeling your heart and eyes
Brighten, really function again
Are you a slave to lies

The thought of it makes me sick
I see the swelling, bubbling
Fat and I seek to destroy it
Or to destroy myself maybe
I can never be quite sure whether
Living or dying is meant for me

I don't know how to live
How to exist in this world when
I have nothing new to give
No originality dwells in my blood
My brain sings familiar tunes
My thoughts linger dark as mud

How could anyone need me
Such a vacuum of malcontent and
Self destruction, I'm never free
To love; I chose not to anymore
To breathe; it only hurts me
To laugh; I closed all those doors

I tore out my heart and pretended
I was Davy Jones, or a skeleton
I wished my life had ended
At all those times I tried to die
Now you ask if I can eat
How can I when I don't see why

Sit still, don't go expending it
That fuel is precious, please
I promise that you need it
I'll remind you through the weeks
You promised to try now
You said you'd learn to breathe

Well you need to learn to sit still
Feel full and not poisoned
By food, you should not feel ill
For finally treating your body right
I know it feels strange
But maybe you will sleep at night*

I hear your reasons, I really do
But I'm so worthless inside
This feels like hell, I tell you
The pain, the sweeping sickness
The endless need to be empty again
Have I descended into some madness

Have I lost my mind along the way
To cutting out my heart
How can I bear another day
So laden down with shame and guilt
I'm forever waiting, it seems
I'm waiting for the hole to be filled

There is a hole inside my heart
My soul a void, a nonentity
Blackness; how could I start
To conquer it when I can't see
When I am blind, I am trapped now
By this hatred and yearly deceit

But you've sat and listened
You know I am not being spiteful
I feel one day I'll be forgiven
By parents, by lovers and old friends
I'm not defiant, I'm so lost
I guess this isn't how my story ends.

The trees sway; they bend not break
I wished I had been the same
The rustling leaves, my counterpart
I wish I had their strength at heart
I wished I could be so longstanding
Still their sighs feel understanding
Giants, behemoths; they sit and watch
The world go by, almost untouched
Unchanged except by the seasons;
I know my freefall had its reasons
I wish my heart had remained warm
With their power to weather the storm
But I broke, like some tender sapling
I stopped caring about futile things
I'm fragile, but I wish I were strong:
The curse of a life gone wrong
Or is it wrong; am I wasting youth
Or can I regrow as a willow, pruned
In spring can I echo their budding shoots
Will I ever learn to put down roots
And create some form of stability;
I wish the world had not broken me
I wish I could stand as tall as they
The trees who guard, sentinels of day
And in a way, I wish I was like them
Not fuelled by anger and the rage of men
I have been hurt and was too weak
It echoes in every word I speak
But like a seedling I need protection
To grow and change, to find direction
I need food and safety just like those
Trees need water, light, air to grow
They plant deep enough to own the earth
By sticks and stones they are not hurt
No words can break their cool demeanor
I wish I could become a believer
In calm and spirits, not racing fire
I wish I was not driven higher
By desire, the race to become worthwhile;
The madness haunted me as a child
I saw the trees; I am not the same
I live in mist, shadows and games
I play with flame and brush with death
It's a wonder there is anything left
Of me, but eyes to envy the trees
And hear some calling in the breeze.

The stars in their heavens
Nestle in velvet;
A mother puts her baby to bed
She tucks him in as the moon
Watches over him:
Plants a kiss on his head
The birds slumber quietly
In their nests of twig;
An angel makes the moon her bed
Trees curl although they
Are windbent;
Their silence is of the dead
Flowers furl their petals
Conserve beauty
For day when they shine in beds
Every creature settles down
They rest eagerly;
The moonlit sky sighs instead
Over me as I wander now
Aimless and restless;
I tumble through my head
If I do not deserve sleep
Cannot find it;
Then Lord I'd rather be dead.

I'm freezing from the winter within
Even under the sun I wither;
Empty-hearted, endless rejection:
Is life truly so unforgiving
Or is it my heart, my body,
Purely me predisposed to pain
And torture; am I so malignant
So unloveable and now so drained.

I'm sitting while the sun sleeps,
And the stars hover misty-eyed,
I'm trapped in some personal silence
In some self-made prison I rot, die
Have I been captured or abandoned
Or did I choose my isolation:
Hollow-eyed, did I lock this cage
Submit myself to this damnation.

I'm crying while the moon laughs
Its white face grins and burns me;
I'm running myself into the ground
To collapse, melt, weep daily
Over who I have lost through
Some poisonous desire to destruct;
For what I gave up, I incinerate,
I know now I'll never be enough.

*© Tara India

The books are lined like soldiers,
Postcards litter the walls;
All signs are here, all lights are on
But is there anybody home?
The typewriter is clicked shut,
Gathering dust with the pens
And untouched paper which ache
To be held, used, or thrown
In madness, rage, or inspiration;
The kettle awaits its use
And the cigarettes sit unsmoked,
Here in the bed she lies alone:
Stopped, shattered with the choice
To eat or write or work
When really there's nothing to do,
She's drowning in this unknown.
No life, or sound in her breath
Glazed eyes; her empty head
Makes no mark upon the pillow,
Her bones lifeless as chrome
A week or two to pass; time
Dripping like sand in hours and
Minutes so hollow, so worthless:
A skeleton, a whale prone
Upon the bed, a shadow, she
Lingers like smoke; indecisive
She waits for purpose and to find
That dream and meaning of her own.

*© Tara India

For the Picasso-trees as I soar by,
The blurring edges under a new sky
And feeling as though I could fly

I could just float away and drift
Or dissipate as summer mist;
Oh, what kind of existence is this?

Only content when on the run,
A craving for a different sun
To light my walk, I am one

Who is only happy while moving
Seeing, exploring, and using
Travel to convince me I’m not losing

They call it wanderlust, but
For me it’s deeper: this strange love
Of escapism, forever on and up

Will leave no hollowed out space
For me to disastrously contemplate
The oblivion echoed in my face

If I fill my days with new sights
I can ignore my night-dark eyes
And somehow sidestep the fight

To stay alive, to ignore their call;
Distraction is louder than the fall,
I am only safe in unfamiliar walls

Stand still too long and people will
Learn my darkness, the pain that fills
My heart and they will want to ****

The hollow ghost, the shadow-girl
So I keep moving around the world
For safety, will I ever learn

To be still, silent and proud
Without voices tearing me down?
Or the thought I should do it now?

So I go in search of new destinations
Lose myself in some exploration
Try to **** my mind with fascination

I’ve been here for far too long
I need to wander, let me move on
Before my soul sings its swan song

I’ve used up all the distraction here
This is the cave, the lair of fear
And my nights are filled with spiritless tears

I seek something new, some unknown;
A perhaps that could finally bring me home
Or maybe I just don’t want to be alone

So with music, and books, and trains
And friends I make just for the day
I somehow push on, the only way

I know to make this seem worthwhile
Is to keep tracking the miles
And cities, behind my glossy smile

Is desperation and a need to survive
Although daily I long to die,
I am wandering, to stay alive.

*© Tara India

My illness is in my eyes:
Do not judge me by my size
Or the normality of my thighs

My demons live in my heart,
And show themselves in part
In my all-consuming scars

But just because I seem fine
Don't presume I'm happy inside,
Or that I'm really alive;

The darkness lives within
My pale and common skin,
Driving me to destructive things

My faltering smile should be
Some clue to what haunts me;
Do not believe that I am free.

You'll see me eat and laugh,
But positivity will never last;
My sadness is not in the past

Eating disorders are not skin deep,
For when I'm tired I cannot sleep
I have many secrets to keep.

*© Tara India

The stars are dead, but they still shine
The light of their passage echoes in my eyes
For I am also wandering, a fading soul;
The sun burns too bright for my pale smile
The moon's turning seems far more worthwhile
As I hide from the bone-drenching cold

Autumn has fallen on the august land;
Summer lies slain by its clumsy, heavy hand
And her flowers wilt under the rain,
Lukewarm I sit, I breathe the musky air
Skin prickling I say it isn't quite fair
That over this land winter will resume its reign

Hollow-hearted I contemplate just how
I can live and breathe in the pain of now:
When darkness rules, not only inside
How can I be the summer girl they all expect
How can I live in awe of what comes next
If I am held by night with mid afternoon blind

They wish to see some monumental change
But I’ve been living stoppered in the same
Feelings, seasons, for all my years
I never truly felt summer in her fleeting kiss
I sleep like the dead; I must have missed
The heat and woken up to lady winter’s tears

So I remain as cold as the wind penetrating
Our respites, because I grew up hating
The way the ice keeps me trapped indoors
I didn’t realise it had crept into my heart
Until I woke up, and tried to start
Sitting in the sun and warming to something pure

My chances were fleeting, and one by one
I missed them as I anticipated the sun
This watery thing unsatisfactory, wanting better
I failed to appreciate what life had to give
Suspended animation is no way to live
And I think I’ll be waiting forever.

*© Tara India

Is it really a life, what you are living?
A slave to numbers and hate,
Turning your body into a machine,
A strange reflection of your turmoil
Tell me, is this really a life?

As you count your grapes into a bowl
Are you really feeling satisfied;
Or as you sit at home denying yourself
The pleasure of company,
Tell me, is this really a life?

Pounding feet matching the stutter
Of your heart, and the blood that
Runs sluggish in your skinny veins
As you run yourself into the ground;
Tell me, is this really a life?

Talking more to the voices inside
Your head than your old friends
Carving away at your skin;
Destroying what little of you is left
Tell me, is this really a life?

Or blindly chewing and swallowing,
Knowing you’ll hate yourself
But needing to feel, comfort is sought
In the numbness of food;
Tell me, is this really a life?

As the inevitable urge overtakes
When you’ve lost control:
You failed, you’re weak and now
As you bend over the toilet bowl
Tell me, is this really a life?

You never stop to think, well maybe
You dare not: you’re haunted
By the idea your time is wasted
So you are wasting yourself
Tell me, is this really a life?

*© Tara India

It howls inside me like a frightened child
Waking from a nightmare and shaking
The fear, the failure, the darkened eyes
All crying as my mind is breaking

It screams at the stars, their majesty
Is godless and unforgiving
My petrified gaze another call for help;
A supplication to those still living

It whimpers in the early hours,
This emptiness – this unholy void
Of desperation within my skin,
The shell I have so carefully destroyed

Its frenzied cries echo from my mouth
My lips form its endless request
Aching and heavy, it sits divine
Rests in my throat and hollow chest

It weeps – a hellish caterwaul
Of desire and perceived deprivation
My ball and chain, my hair shirt,
Symbol of my long damnation

It grovels at the feet of greater demons
Satisfaction sought in a lost soul
It drives me mad and pushes me higher
Too weak alone to achieve its goals

It screeches that with one more push,
A little further, a little longer
I can find my nirvana and my
Shangri-la – denial making me stronger

It whispers so believably and so
Trustworthy is its feeble disguise
I fall for deceit and stars and tricks
I lose myself in cunning lies

It howls once more, a victory cry
On a throne made of my heart
It sits – I am lost
Once more back to the start.

*© Tara India

I like poetry and cigarettes
I like to pretend there's nothing left
Of a heart, of my beating brain
I like to pretend I'm still the same
Girl you fell for who likes the light
I like to pretend that I'm alright

I like sunrises and late sunsets
I like to place my calculated bets
On the possibility of numbers, pounds
I like that I feel time running out
That my hours are counted and dry
I like to pretend I don't ache or cry

Or shriek, a banshee to the moon
I like to say I'll get there soon
I like to think I'm like Liz Taylor
In diamonds, not a rotting failure
I like to say I still dream of peace
That I'm not insane or craving release

I like lists, planning, and cold style
Brandy and whisky and travelled miles
I like pages filled with art
I like to think I'm still in her heart
I call myself a golden-age fighter
I like to pretend it's getting brighter
I'll say I love these things till I die
Because I've no clue who I am inside.

*© Tara India

A mother's lap, all downy flesh
Or a bird cushioned in the nest
Softness, light, and feather-white
We all seek our respites.

Warm bathwater and soothing scent
Sand, sun, and sea perlescent
In lover's beds and lover's rosy minds
We all seek our respites.

All beings crave some sweet affection
The relief of a loving connection
We seek home and it's delights
We all seek our respites.

We deserve love so we hunt
For feelings, closeness and trust
But do we really all live for light;
We all seek our respites.

What happens when we only hate
Ourselves, our bodies, and our weight
Can we allow relaxation and smile
We all seek our respites.

Some feel unequal to pleasure
For them, pain is to be treasured
More comfort in screams than sighs
We all seek our respites.

Some beings have to hurt to feel
When only pain and blood is real
A friend, your razorblade at night
We all seek our respites.

When the brain can be so cruel
Deprivation, denial, and their rules
Don't feel wrong but beautifully right
We all seek our respites.

For those of us in isolation
Undeserving of self-preservation
It's easier to suffer than to fight
We all seek our respites.

*© Tara India.

Do you think i look pretty
Just for your attention?
Sorry but if you threaten me,
My skirt should not be mentioned

We are both human and I
Don't wolf-whistle at your ****;
I have some decency and won't
Catcall as you walk past

Whatever I wear is solely
For me and not for you,
I don't deserve attack or
****, or any kind of abuse

If I want to show my legs,
Then that is just fine
And if I like this dress, your
Assault shouldn't cross my mind

Even if I walked naked,
I wouldn't be asking for it
Besides I was always told:
"If you've got it flaunt it!"

Why should I take steps to
Repel you and protect myself,
When the real question is
Why can't you control yourself?

*© Tara India.

the sparkle of your dove-grey eyes
is lost in those tears; do not cry,
for nothing good happens at four a.m.,
nestle, wait, the sun will rise again.

star-spangled blackness is only
worthwhile when it shrouds dreams,
so wipe your cheeks and dredge up
a smile; find some self love

even if it is only in shreds --
I promise you're not better off dead.
it only seems so in heavy night,
star-child, you are far too bright

to let yourself be crushed or lost:
though easy, defeat bears a cost,
so pull up a laugh, and those covers;
do not weep for past or present lovers.

do not give your mind over to pain,
believe me, you are not to blame
for all the wrongs upon this world,
you are no god, just a heavenly girl,

so don't give up; soon the morning
will rise, a new hope is dawning
every day: will you seize this one
and shed the fear of what's to come?

please ignore as the voices wail
that you were only born to fail;
they're liars, with no life but
what you give them, don't give up.

so go to bed, comfort is allowed,
tuck yourself in, darling i'm proud
of you; one more day you've survived
and against all odds you're so alive.

*© Tara India.

the hills roll; they mirror the clouds
that lazily scud across the sky,
muffling the sun, tearing wisps
into the powder-blue above my eyes

I am trapped inside, grass growing faster
than I will ever be free; time passing
in shadows, gasps, and pulsing hours:
bruise-black night will seem everlasting

when it comes to hold me once again,
inside a house, inside my mind I decay
and I rot, waiting for something, some
unknown glory in the light of day

but day breaks and burns me once more:
the sun too strong for my pale skin,
trees swaying, and I envy them;
I long to emulate their calm within

I am a storm-cloud which cannot soar,
my precipitation weighs me down
I long to fly, everything itches like the
scars littering my skin; my solitary frown

reflects the curvature of the fields,
meandering dandelion-speckled, corn-rowed
they become the entire worlds of
grass-chewing cows, horses alone

we watch over them, I dream through panes
of glass keeping me from fresh air;
I long to feel its breath, soak in
the sun; weave flowers in my hair.


*© Tara India.

and when she falls
she might break like glass;
a winter's gale could
raze her to ash

she walks in summer,
with floral eyes
that wilt far too often
to be any real disguise

her skin too perforated
to remain whole each year;
bury her in November,
to rise vampiric and clear

at easter, nail her and
her fears to wooden boards,
so she can pass the heatwave
and not sit distraught

if she should tumble
falter, catch her breath,
remember it is autumn:
she hasn't many left

every decade a phoenix:
flame-born and alive,
but a few years on drowned
by an ocean inside.


*© Tara India.

These are not the same lips you once kissed
These are barren; they form only sad words.
You never laid your hand upon these cheeks
Hollow, they belong to a different girl,
Into these grey eyes you never gazed
They are empty and some throbbing hurt
Lies in this skin you never knew.
Since you I am harder, my world turned
And this body never lay with yours:
It contains lessons previously unlearned
You never saw this tough smile, surely
Because it is for you that it burns;
The stars in my mind you once knew
Were snuffed out when you spurned
The love which only you ever felt; now I
Have died, my poetic murmurings unheard.
I walked in a corpse never touched by
Your purity, who is this girl
You never met: phoenix-born from our
Ashes; you wouldn't even recognise her.


*© Tara India.

Summer is lazy in the sun
She sleeps far more than I
The sky her pearlescent eyes

Closed lids and cloudy lashes
Aeroplane trails her pillow
Lines that trace her sweet sighs

She blinks – she shifts and
Birds soar over swaying trees
Under her heavy breath I lie

Buzzing bees lull her slumber
Grass-hair crowned by
Blossomy willow and mayflies

As a solemn chill I exist in
The shadow of her warmth --
Her heat licking at my sides

We are opposites and we
Never quite touch but still I
Dwell contented in her smile

My lady summer brings forth
Dull breeze and grinning suns
I wish I’d never turned to ice

I almost melt at her whisper
The others move slower to
Her rhythmic delights

Her beating heart a slow tune
Beauty and melody she sleeps
While I toss in her sweating night

I dream I will wake and be
Her sister – happily I’d drift
If I wasn’t so hollow inside

So I sit in the shade of bliss
Watch summer with glee while
Honouring the winter inside.


*© Tara India.

pour yourself a drink
it's four o clock somewhere
and who cares if in the morning
you'll feel so much worse

pour it with shaking hands
from caffeine worse for wear
and no food that day
just as long as it hurts

let the wine spill down
in gulps of pain and regret
don't bother to measure
you'll feel a little better

let it race into your blood
all you want is to forget
your liver fails and body cries
with each sip saying 'whatever'

choose to lose your mind
and senses to getting ****** up
oblivion your only goal
hoping it'll be over soon

choose to disregard advice
because it's never enough
and neither are you as
you howl at an ignorant moon

drink down each new glass
with reckless abandon and hope
that you'll forget this night or
finally commit that deadly act

drink until you're hollowed
you empty out and heaven knows
you want to die each minute
now there's no going back

listen to voices instead of friends
to pain instead of love
part your skin to cry in red
because your eyes are stone cold

listen to acohol and pills
as the only things you trust
give up and give in because
your future is dust not gold.


*© Tara India.

I sleep through the morning
So I can hate myself
For wasting the day
I drink coffee until I shake
Smoke golds to make
Myself sicken and shake

Trying to empty my stomach
I starve all afternoon
I wish the pounds away
Night comes and I am
Caffeine-drunk now
I've purged my guilt today

The hunger builds inside --
I'm drinking to quell
The deathly hollow ache
The liquor burns and wine
Unsteadies hands that
Already tremble and shake

1am comes and I am tearing
Alternate wrappers and
Milky skin with blades
I cry red and weep tears
Of loss as my heart
Rests shallow in its grave

Pills call and so does food
By thousands I consume --
Monstrous I will decay
4am and I've purged to sleep
Drunk, dizzy, or dead
I await the dawning day.

*© Tara India.