She crackles like a campfire
Looking
And listening.
Still feral.

Wild eyes.
Big as moons,
And a maze.
Piercing.

She moves with purpose
But stops to smell the roses.
Feels but never touches
Hears
And always tastes.

Leaving copper on your tongue.
Debates spark at her footsteps.
Hello she says
Just as fast as goodbye

Lightning with no storm
She is beautiful.
In every way

When I look in the mirror in the morning,
I feel fine.
I brush my hair.
I am fine.
I brush my teeth,
And I am fine.

Then I notice how my teeth aren’t as white as they could be.
But I'm still fine.

Then I put on my clothes and I notice how I spill over the sides.
But I am fine.
Then I notice how my hips jut out
And my jeans are never long enough in the ankles.

Then I spend ten minutes thinking of changing my jeans,
Because this shirt is too tight
But I opt for a hoodie instead.
Then I am lost in the hoodie.
I feel like a blob of fabric.
And then just a blob.

I get in my car and look in the mirror to adjust
And notice how dark under my eyes are.
When I’m pretty sure they weren’t that dark earlier.

As I drive to school, I notice my hands on the steering wheel
And ponder how they can be both fat and scraggly at the same time.

I get to school and notice people staring at me at the red lights
While I begin to cross the road.

I pass windows and with each one,
I notice my thighs grow larger with each step.
I notice how wide I am when I pass other girls
Then I think about my ankles and I swear I can feel them swell.

By the time it is twelve o’clock,
I have convinced myself that I am a
Bulging,
Suffocating,
Beast
Who tramples everyone in the room.
And the Earth is suddenly too small for someone as big as I am.

I promise I will get better,
if you give me
time.

How can you still
Hold my hand while
stealing my breath?

I want to feel like the other half of him.
but
instead,
I feel like the lesser half of you.
You are always one step ahead of me.
ready to pull the trigger
before I even know you have a gun.
I walk in your shadow
and no matter how many times I pay the electric bill
I am never seen.
Every movement is yours.
my tongue is lost in the phrases you once said.
my eyes show clips of you.
your laugh escapes my teeth.
It is your hands encircling my throat.
your legs guiding my feet to the grave.
I am never able to breathe without asking your lungs.
I am never able to think without asking your mind.
I am never myself, but
always you.

I'm ***** once again.
Grime that was once scrubbed away
has crawled back onto my skin
and made itself at home.
As if it never left.

I looked into my chest for a reason;
weaved through the vines
and flowers rooted in my lungs.
I searched beneath the butterfly intestines,
the flowing river, and  
I ignored the drifters floating by.
I searched for what seemed like hours,
though it may have been but a minute.
I wanted so badly to find it.
But I didn't.
Instead.
I  found my mother's necklace.
The one that I gifted her on mothers day
and she threw back on a later date.
I found the four notes that I wrote
when I hit rock bottom.
I found the time I fell into a creek
and felt the air leave my lungs
before my grandmother pulled me from the water,
then was pulled from me into a sickness.
I found the hands of every man who ever touched me.
found the first poem i ever wrote
found the razor blade
found the ripped jeans
hairbands
car keys
but I didn't find my reason.
I didn't find the reason why she left me
the reason behind every lie.
The reason why I can't sleep at night
but she is sleeping tight.
The reason why I can roll so smoothly off her back
while she does nothing but stab mine.
I don't know if i ever will.
But I'll keep searching.