I looked into my chest for a reason;
weaved through the vines
and flowers rooted in my lungs.
I searched beneath the butterfly intestines,
the flowing river, and  
I ignored the drifters floating by.
I searched for what seemed like hours,
though it may have been but a minute.
I wanted so badly to find it.
But I didn't.
Instead.
I  found my mother's necklace.
The one that I gifted her on mothers day
and she threw back on a later date.
I found the four notes that I wrote
when I hit rock bottom.
I found the time I fell into a creek
and felt the air leave my lungs
before my grandmother pulled me from the water,
then was pulled from me into a sickness.
I found the hands of every man who ever touched me.
found the first poem i ever wrote
found the razor blade
found the ripped jeans
hairbands
car keys
but I didn't find my reason.
I didn't find the reason why she left me
the reason behind every lie.
The reason why I can't sleep at night
but she is sleeping tight.
The reason why I can roll so smoothly off her back
while she does nothing but stab mine.
I don't know if i ever will.
But I'll keep searching.