Take me to a place where the air stands still.
Where I will be but a whisper
heard only by the stars.
Where I will be trapped in my bones.
Held down not by earthly conventions,
but by my will.
Where there is moonlight leaking through every window.
Where the ground weeps for my footsteps,
the sky aches for my grace.
Take me where I am can become my own cave,
feel the serenity of being
against the feeling of survival.

There are things inside me that are broken,
shattered by my own  hand.
Parts of me that are open
to the travelers of the land.
A part of me is willing
to go where none has before.
Somewhere the woods are silent
and I can peacefully sleep on the floor.
Tell me your darkest secret
and I will whisper mine.
Only in those moments
are our hearts intertwined.
We have become divided,
distant on our own.
Being right beside her
while wishing to go home.

The door is locked
the key is gone.
swallowed.
sorry.
Can't help you.
Or you.
I helped myself.
I felt as though I deserved a chance
and by giving myself that chance
I took yours.
My stubborn little brother
I am sorry.
My words fall flat on your ears
you miss me.
I'm living.
I was so breathless there,
constantly giving.
I took and now you're without.
I'm sorry.
You called to ask me how my day was.
I can't give you my answer.
I'm sorry.
Forgive me.
I love you.
I'm sorry.

I am currently going through
A rough time.
I have kinda been saying this since elementary school.
At first, it was the death of grandmother.
Two weeks before my eighth birthday.
I guess that was God was saying,
“Happy ******* Birthday, expect the rest of your life to ****.”
That Christmas, I found out that my “daddy”
Wasn’t my daddy, but my stepdaddy
And my real father was a pill pumping *******
Love you, dad, xoxo.
New Year’s my stepdad leaves my mom
And kidnaps my brother
We are homeless
My mom starts drugs
I am assaulted by my uncle
He sticks his finger in my mouth
I cry.
He leaves too.
We move in with mom’s new boyfriend
We starve
Get hit
Listen to them wither.
I cut myself for the first time
Foster care
Drunk man tells me I’m pretty
Until he found out I was a ******.
Maggots crawl through my floor
I write my first poem
I move.
Stop my mom from suicide
Stop myself from suicide
Drive a car for the first time
Mom meets another man
For my 16th birthday
He wants to make me woman
He touches me for months
Takes my pants off
I cry.
I don’t tell my mom
Then I do.
She kicks me out.
I live with my boyfriend.
My grandfather, finalizes his will
On thanksgiving.
I spiral down to the point that I hate holidays,
Find no joy in the regular days,
Feel nothing any day.
Hell.
Is what I am living in.

He finalized his will
Put his signature at the bottom
Left me the house
And the china set
His death should have been a surprise to me
But now.
I have to wait.
I can feel the news lurking in the shadows
of the darkest part of
My closet.
It waits, coiling, licking its lips
Waiting to come out and wrap itself around me.
Waiting to see me cry.

I struggle with was and is.
I know he is still alive,
But he doesn’t think to be much longer
Do I deny or accept the truth?

I imagined him being eaten by worms
And I threw up.
I imagined never calling his phone number again
And had a panic attack.
I’ve memorized it since I was little
Now, someone else will be memorizing it.
I don’t know if my reason for pre-mourning
Is normal, because I don’t want to spend more time with him.
I don’t want more memories to remember.
But I don’t have enough.
I know that when it happens, I will lose the
Ability
To write again.

I won’t want to do anything that he can’t.
So I write this now.
So everyone knows.
I love him.
My grandfather was pure.
He was every inch of what we pray we find in love.
Every man pales to expectations he has placed.
He raised me.
He cared for me.
No questions asked.
And I want people to know that whether he is alive or
Dead.
He is my best friend.
Finalized will or not, he will be with me.
Every step. I take.
He is my grandfather.

My chest is yours to crawl in
You constrict my lungs
Play patty cake with my heartbeat
Make yourself a nest in my ribcage
When I speak too loudly
Or jostle too much,
You turn into a hurricane
Where I feel the rumble in the back of my throat
But I dare not kick you out
Cause you have embedded yourself behind every vital *****
Where if you go, they all do
Bye bye kidney one
Two
Bye liver
Heart
Brain
Your hands lace through my bloodstream to find yourself once again
Touching me
Everywhere I don’t want you to
My stomach
My thighs
Every place I swore to change for you
You never fret
When the times are good.
When I lose my voice for the sake of convenience
Or not gaining too much attention
Or when I don’t ask for love letters.
Or romance.
Or presents on holidays.
We get along fine when I let you have your way
Let you tell my spine when and where to show up
And when I never ask you to invest yourself in me
God forbid you go to thanksgiving with me to my family
Or to Christmas
Or my grandmothers grave
I don’t like letting myself get low,
Cause you always turn yourself into a rock
That sinks down into the pit of my stomach
So heavy
Becoming just another weight to carry

What part of me means so little
to you?
I mean,
why am I so forgettable?
When you stay on my tongue like a blister.
Every world I speak
drives the conversation back to you.
where my heartbeat crashes,
I suffer a concussion,
but you walk away just fine.
Why?
Why not?
I mean, is that your motto?
something you say before you lose yet another tooth.
Crash
Boom
Pow.
There goes one down the drain.
same as my blood.
your future.
our relationship.
How many nights has my memory haunted
YOUR  
dreams?
1
2
17
does it take how old I am to return you back to
reality.
almost 20 years of neglect for you to give up on.
Quitter.
Why am I so angry?
How many nights did I pray to anyone who would listen
to get me out of there.
but the second you let go of my hand,
I fell flat on my face
when I thought,
when I thought I would walk just fine.
maybe even run.
but it seems the only running I have been doing
is away from my guilt.
I left him there to drown.
His hand sticking out of the water
begging to pull me back under
so maybe he wont die alone.
Instead,
I fell asleep in a clean bed.
full stomach, and heavy heart.