I am allowed to be alone.
I am allowed to enjoy solitude.
I am allowed to not want to spend time with anyone.
I am allowed to feel like this for days at a time.
I am allowed to be antisocial for a month.
I am allowed to feel the exact opposite the next day.
I am allowed to not be like you.
I am allowed to do what I need to.
I am allowed to be alone.

Face the fact
that I'm never coming back
Let your tears unify with the rain drops
as they fall to the ground
Know that I've moved on
with nothing left to hold
as concerns to
the path that I chose
It's like the clouds reflect
the mood we are in
Like they know what it means
to lose a close friend
Yet, they can move away,
dissipate, and be free
From their point of view
I'd feel sorry for me
because I'm dealing with you
with the worst of results
Our best of intentions
make it no one's fault
Emotionally
I always blame you,
but logically
I know it takes two

I was born with a broken heart.
there was a deep crack in the middle and my blood couldn't flow the way it should.
I was three when the doctors took up my red thread and sewed me together.
my heart is fixed, now.
my blood flows
with each beat
tugging at the string of fate severed before I could breathe.
I see others, following their threads, searching desperately for who has the other end.
and my hands are free of red.
there is blue, purple, green, yellow,
but not the crimson of love and loss and longing.
my broken heart is still broken,
but now it works.

I'm lost.
Intensely so.
Lost adrift or on land or in any place between.
Lost like the credibility of someone when they judge a stranger on the color of their hair.
Lost like a tan when you move to Ireland.
Lost like that scrap of paper that cute person at the club who sounded like your soulmate might gave you their number on.

Sometimes I find directions.
North, then west at the fork in the road.
Follow along until you find salvation at the bottom of a green bottle.

Now I'm not found.
I'm more lost than ever, really.
Lost like I have been the moment I could step past my home's threshold.
I'm just lost in another direction.

I feel messy
Full of swirling colors
Blue red green black orange blue
Sad and angry and happy and apathetic and anxious
All at once
Mixing into brown slime at the bottom of my chest
Dried blood
Three new scars
Another night spent sobbing awake and trying to breathe
Three more
Messy things, emotions.

Don't write me off as apathetic because you don't understand me.
I am mountains sobbing in earthquakes.
I am rivers screaming in floods.
I am bridges laughing into splinters.
I am systems crashing and burning out with a wink of light.
I am a wildfire in skin and clothes and I would destroy you if I showed you my true self.
Do not underestimate my emotions because you do not see them.