Warm milk and cold stares are all that are left lingering there,
truth laced with lies begging to belong somewhere.

Copper taste with an unforgiving, unmovable face.

The “I love you’s” could be measured in between the passing of each new blue moon.

One last hug, where the stubble on your chin leaves more than just a physical itch -

I close my eyes and all my avenues that remind me to bleed for you.

Steady rhythm to keep from pacing, passing the time by counting the spacing when I stopped caring for you.

We are spear versus shield, holding our breath and bracing for impact,
you are white wine, unrefined, used to soak every color of crayon in a knapsack.

A fire slowly dying, candle burning, branding nameless names,
love is self regulating, as the passing of each flame reaches purgatory.

Hold my hand close to your heart as I listen to you tear me apart,

It’s hard to chalk it all up to hate,
harder still to sit back and blame “fate.”

Take a moment, reconsider, exact revenge on us by pulling the trigger,
“Be kind. Be humble. Be the parent even when little try to be bigger.”

I’ll avoid any claim of you, sitting atop an empty throne,
I’d rather surround myself with people who care than have you pretend to care when I’m all alone.

Hoping you'd be able to step up...
For a boy who couldn't be a man,
Stepping being the father he can not be.

I try to forget the sins of that man,
Which hurt me and scared me for the rest of my life,
taking the whole of my heart and the whole of my love!

But with every stepfather that comes,
The task is harder and the love is smaller,
And the expectations just keep getting higher.

I don't believe in any kind of love any more,
The gap got too big to fill in by materialistic stuff,
Never will I be able to get better and start to love!

I hope I can someday not be broken,
My heart scattered into a million pieces,
Don't believe in any kind of love anymore.

Haven't got the will and the time,
For another candidate to come and try,
The role isn't easily filled with just some KIND of love!

The whole walk and the talk?
Not enough!

Presents and all the fake feelings?
Aren't going to cut it!

You have to take on all of the stairs,
Every step you take gets you the knowledge,
Getting higher nearly ready to be a STEPFATHER!

I will step out of the car  . My eyes searching patiently around , looking for the face i have forgotten long ago, along with the memory of you ever being in my life . I will only find one . you will be standing near your car looking at me . I have yet to conjure up in my mind  what your face will look like . Sometimes i see you crying tears of joy , sometimes its remorse , maybe even  anger  but in this meeting i see your face as .... blank . Then i will take that awkward walk towards you probably holding in my breath counting the steps i take just to keep my brain occupied , so i wont have to look at the face that has remained a question mark in my head for 17 years .  We will meet somewhere in the middle . I will smile , you will smile neither of us having anything to say ,  because we both know how many years have passed between us and that our relationship has always been left never seeming to go right . So dad , if you are out there reading this , What happens next ? you tell me because i don't know , the vision always stops here . With you and i meeting somewhere in the middle of nowhere .

Did I not deserve one moment of your time?
I stared at the walls, I was crying blind.

You were not there, I had no other.
A sister, a mother, but where was my father?

I wanted to talk, I wanted to grow
I felt betrayed with no place or no home

I was left scared, with no place to turn.
No father to run to, I was feeling astern.

Time passed by, I remembered what mattered,
all of my innocence, all but shattered

I found your headstone many years later,
I cried many tears, I found my father.