The truth is, I hate you
I hate you a lot
Because I love you the most
Every whole feeling is a threat to me
You have power without even knowing
The truth is, mom, that I despise you
I despise you a lot
Because I respect you the most
But every whole feeling is a threat to me
You are the strongest without even knowing, mom.

I breathe in your oxygen and all that's left is you
You are in my blood
You are all that's left
And it scares me
What if you don't want me anymore
What if, after all this time, you'll get bored of the way I smile, or the way I cry
All those other people did
They beat me until I couldn't get up anymore, treated me like I was nothing
What if I'm nothing to you?
I know that's not the truth
But this fear keeps creeping up on me
I breathe in your oxygen and all that's left is you
What if you take yourself away from me
I'll be left without something to keep me from choking

I stepped out into the air and pulled the ground up really fast
I fished for concrete
And happiness filled me when the rough stone hit my bones
I laughed like I had fishhooks in the corners of my mouth
Almost , almost but not really
I'm happy I found the concrete under my face, life popped the gun and I ran the race
Now I'm tired and done trying
I can see how small every single one of us is
How do we have the audacity to call ourselves big?
Is this the world we wanna text in?
Right cause thats all we do
I'm glad that I found the concrete
I'm glad I stepped out into the air and pulled the ground up really fast

No I'm not okay. I feel depressed, have anxiety. I fear rejection and commitment at the same time. I want to tell someone before it's too late, but I don't want to hurt you. I need someone to hug me and tell me it's all gonna be okay. I want to tell everything I've been through. But what if I tell and you reject me? What if you leave me? I can't go through that another time.

How did you peel open your eyes
After every blink?
How did you open your lips
After every word they screamed at you?
Why didn't you fight back with every tear they made you lose?
How did you not see the little dots of light in the evening sky hoping to be saved?
I know you wanted to be one of them
You wanted savior, but didn't let people close enough
That's the difference between you and the stars
They pull me close with a telescope, you push me away with all the power found in your fragile bones.
But then again, how did you become one of them?
How did you become one of the stars?

I wish I could dissolve in water like salt can do
I wish I could part my molecules into such tiny pieces that you wouldn't be able to recognize them as me
I spent all my life hating myself, wondering why people ever put me here in the first place
I am self destructive
I am all kinds of wrong
I don't want to hurt the people close to me, so I put my guard up and don't let anyone come near me.
It's the only way I see things work
I wish I could dissolve like parfume does in air
Leaving a sweet smell behind that you'll remember for a while, but not
forever
I wish I was here for a moment, for only a splitsecond. You wouldn't be able to see me as a person, but as the substance that I want to be. I wish I was ashes and free to flow wherever I please. Just to feel free in my own skin for once

She could’t breathe
She hated the pills that caused temporary relief
and now the last bit of air was crushed under the surface of a way too big depression
People around her saw the mask she put on
and although the person behind is was crumbling into little pieces they kept smiling at her like she was a statue finally found after years of being stolen
She made sure people knew she was as strong as that piece of brick
She made pain a friendly visitor and love a daily struggle
After years of suffering in silence she started to believe the lie she used as glue for her masks
Her pain became a crown and love became something to run from
But now her air was being stolen and she couldn’t fight back anymore
Years of holding the ball underwater made her arms sore and now her bones started to snap like sticks
It was clear who was winning the battle
She started finding peace in the thought of the everlasting darkness
She couldn’t breathe
And for the first time in years she stopped gasping for air

I come and go as I please
I will never let my guards down and if I do let them down, it’s by mistake
I love passion and seduction, but get too close and I wander off
I will walk in your life and you’ll think of me as interesting. You will get to know a little piece of my soul, still in my control. But you won’t know
As soon as you want more I'll leave
Even if you are all that I ever wanted, the thought of jumping in the unknown feels like ice cold water under my feet. I can’t bare it.
I will love you with all of my heart, but I’ll only show a part of it to you.
This makes me a difficult lover
You can love me, kiss me, grab me and I will let you. But don’t get too close to the person I really am. She’s terrified of love. She’ll find pleasure in pain because that’s all she’s ever known. My challenge for you is to change that. Make her jump out of the cage she built for herself. You won’t regret, I promise.

what if I told you every scratch on my arm, every scar and every drop of blood and every trace of smoke is there for a reason. Would you understand? I don't think so. I do understand that. But even if I do I want to say to you that I can't tell you that I'm sorry about this. The pain in my head is so unbearable that my skin is numb to the touch. Every drop of blood has a little pain in it, untill all the pain is gone. You could say my skin is a faucet. It lets the pain flow outside. The scars aren't pretty, but they keep me alive. The faucet isn't working properly, but it works good enough to keep me breathing