Confession.
I miss you.

The first thing I professed
was not the warm feeling I had whenever I saw her
Nor was it that it was I who had sent her flowers
And signed it
"your admirer”


The first thing I admitted
Was my fear
That everything I touched
broke

I remember what you did,
Just like it was yesterday.

Your eyes brimmed with tears,
And you smiled a sad smile.
I smiled back.
-
The first time we were together
It was at your house
You showed me your dearly loved piano
And played me my favorite song
“Clair de Lune”

Wringing the keys dry of passion
I remember thinking
If I poured my soul out like you had
Maybe,
Just maybe,
you’d fall for me.

You showed me
The spines of books you read countlessly
Finger fluttering over every title,
Tracing each word
Like I would your stomach
Each night you spent in my bed
You told me that I
“was like the ocean.”
I didn’t know what that meant at the time.
-
Moon
Moon moon moon moon
The word I engraved in your ribs
every time I touched you.
Moon
My moon.
My lovely moon with sky blue eyes,
That never stopped moving.

I wish you could stare at me like I had you
Maybe you could have seen
That every moment I spent
My gaze was on yours.
But perhaps it was better that way.

-

I was bitter.
You told me not to be.
and so I wasn’t

-

Christmas Eve I came over for dinner
And I bought your mother chocolates
In hopes she would learn to savor you
Like the box she held in her hand.

I never told you how jealous I was
That you had your mother
Despite her flaws

That night I saw you cry for the first time.
When I held you in my arms
You shook because of your father.
You asked me why god would do this to you.

I had no answer
Other than
“I don’t know.”

I should’ve told you
How I had wished I was in your place
That I would take the pain for you.
But I didn’t.
I know you never would have wanted it that way.
-
When your birthday came
I gave you a jadestone bracelet I had crafted myself
I did not tell you the time I took,
Or what it had cost.
I had hoped you would treasure it
Like I to you.
-
A month ago I saw my loving jade
On your best friend’s wrist.

I did not tell you how much that had hurt.
-
You gravitated towards him
And grew closer with others
I drifted
Oh like the sea
-
That March I went to California to see my ma.
I don’t recall if I told you
That every night
I watched that sun sink into the coast.
And it reminded me
The way your hand held mine.

When I came back you spoke of nothing but sadness
I tried endlessly
To tie a knot in that poison-filled vein.
But the sickness spread.
I wish I could’ve been your cure.

You were sand slipping between my fingers
And I did not know how to tell you
That my waves had lost purpose
If there was no shore.
Come Back
-

“Captain O’ Captain,
The eye of the sea
Was the bottom of her heart.”

-
Summer had come
We had spent one tired night watching fields of fireflies
At 1:49 am

I couldn’t find words
To tell you my heart had danced
Like every one of those little lights
When someone even breathed your name.
I wish I had
Summer had gone

-

When fall had struck
You left me.

-

My thoughts clammered in disbelief

You told me it was because it was you and not me.
Just some sort of cliché I suppose.
-
Months later when I asked
You said it was because you thought I had feelings for another.
How foolish I was for letting you believe that
For even a second.

I should have told you
Your soul had sunk a hole in my chest
that beated to the sound of your voice.

My heart sang a sick melody*
-
Two years have past
Last week you told me you left
Because you didn’t feel loved.
You never saw the way my eyes traced up and down your body
but always pulled back to your face

I remember what you did,
Just like it was yesterday.
-
When I confessed
You kissed every one of my fingertips,
And said that you did
so that everything I touched
would feel loved.

Oh, how I wish those words were true.