If you only knew,

I'd stare in the mirror
Then stare a bit harder
"I look fine, don't worry"
those words were my armor.
Because when im alone,
Its just me.
No one around
To call me ugly.
But kids are cruel,
I thought to myself
And in my situation
I was left on the shelf.
Hate shows acknowledgment,
and i was not hated.
They were okay to my face,
But i was being tolerated.
Being shown pity
made me confused.
What did they see?
Was it my hair or my shoes?
I looked in the mirror,
Again i looked "fine"
But then another thought
Crossed through my mind.
"Maybe they see,
Something else?
Maybe I'm not supposed,
To like my self?"
This started it all,
Now I saw me.
With the mirror upside down,
Came the negativity.
I would look at myself,
With confusion and disgust.
I would curse at the world
That I would no longer trust.
I would sit on the floor.
Until I'm blue in the face
From fighting my demons
That I could not erase.
Gelatinous bulges,
Consumed my body,
Restricting my looks,m
my hidden personality.
I felt embarrassed,
I felt felt upset.
I would start to scream,
I was filled with regret.
Id pray every night
For a little change,
And that my future would not
Forever stay the same.
And those prayers were answered,
But it took years to recover,
So much pain and hurt,
That no one would uncover.

So i was broken,
And now released from the cult,
I can express myself,
And take some control.
Those years are gone,
But i still hurt.
I have to look back in time,
So see I'm no longer "her".
So when they are confused,
Why im a little defensive,
I will direct them to this poem,
To see my perspective.
But these is just words,
Strung in a pattern,
The hell that Iwent through,
Doesn't really matter.
Because the words are past tense,
And others are suffering,
And its not those who post it,
On social networking.
Its the quiet girl,
You won't expect
Because she wants to look normal,
Not perfect.