It's six a.m., and I'm awake before the sun. I shouldn't be surprised. Couple things about New England...early darkness, late sunrise, and all the leaves turn the loneliest shades on the rainbow, and something about sort of just makes your bones feel cold. You see your breath hang and contort in the air while you sit in the motionless tomb you've grown affectionally refer to as home. That loneliness I mentioned earlier sets up a permanent residence, as well. It locks on to you, like some sort of symbiont. You'll feel lonely even in entire rooms full of people who also feel lonely in entire rooms full of people who also feel lonely. The sadness is intoxicating. The only thing colder than the outside temperature becomes the temperature of your heart. It's six a.m., and I'm awake before the sun. I have this intense combination of utter apathy, white hot rage, and despondency. At least the rage keeps me warm at night. It's the only thing that combats the incompacitating loneliness. Even your own reflection begins to lie and play tricks on you. The thing about New England, about these small hilltowns in Western Massachusetts, is that they're full of a few different types of people. People who stay and wanna stay, people who are going to leave and never come back, people who are going to leave but never do, and the people who leave and do come back. Out of those four people, I promise you, none of them want to be here. They would like to be anywhere but here, even the one's who wanna stay. It's not beautiful to us, anymore, these falltime changes, the winter wonderland that follows it. The debilitating conditions become hazardous to the essence of the lives we pretend we have. Don't be fooled; no one wants to be here, just some are on deeper levels than others about it.
