IV. postnatal
ut consilium...repris


things are looking up when
you look in the mirror and you don’t scare yourself
recognise the person you see there
arrive before you leave
stay the course
take people at face value
can meet with friends
laugh
turn your face forward and there is no crick in your neck
your muscles ache
because you worked hard
get used to this
you want this to be your new normal
see a future even if it is just tomorrow
yes, hopeful...repris

@journeyofdays

I. antemortem
from this place, further along this journey of days
antemortem, would I …
take the path
say nothing
submit to the pain
still believe it was worth it
avoid cataclysm
fight harder
not fight at all
believe in a higher cause
endure the torture
deny my nature
avoid the execution
accept the cup
walk into that storm again

II. postmortem
from this place, further along this journey of days
postmortem, could I
walk in that desert
get totally lost
live without hope
not haunt myself
see the outcome
park my brain
know that it will end
suffer with gratitude
exist
forgive myself
accept the loss
forgive them
not want death
skip this part
willingly submit to it again

III. antenatal
from this place, further along this journey of days
antenatal, I understand
impacts of trauma
being empty
processes of grief
some wounds heal
… others do not
manifestations of evil
fighting to live
seeking control
...and never getting it
human frailty
frailty of mind
reconstructing a mind
listening to quiet
struggling for reason
struggling for purpose
seeking pain
going backwards
pulling together the threads
becoming
submitting to time

IV. postnatal*
ut consilium*

@journeyofdays

vacuum of light
a dark so still it has no sound
profound dark
deep time
breathe
slow now
there is no linear logic to this
deep time
in saecula saeculorum

unregulated yet ordered
power prevailing and insinuating into all
forming intimate unions across boundaries that make our reason
breathe
slow now
there is no physical logic to this
it is
deep time
in saecula saeculorum

draws on the eternal
it has a future
impacts on now
a brain cannot fathom
the past is still to come
breathe
slow now
there is no epochal logic to this
it is
deep time
in saecula saeculorum

energy
it moves through and within
whispering around the edges of the quiet mind
enfolded
in those spaces between thoughts
breathe
slow now
there is divine logic
immerse
in this
deep time
in saecula saeculorum


#thisjourneyofdays