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Shredd Spread Apr 2015
Prime Architect,  the absurdity of your art
fills me up like a riddle, bends the bars of
reason I'm forged within. A Byzantine
world - every fold and layer gyro'd in
astronomical administration, the scheming
of cogs clicking perfectly into place:
vast machinations leaving me windless,
birdsong squeezed entirely from bellows. Up
a lonesome trail; steep and narrow,
knowing faith is a sword too heavy to hold.

HAVE FAITH, they told me; prodded me
to constancy as a mother in S. Carolina backed
her station wagon into a lake with locked
doors and two sons inside. Evil has no horns
after all - it's a lozenge the flavor of a kiss,
there but not there, some puff of violet smoke
unraveling from a dancing brass censer.
The lance of Longinus pierces fleece;
the snake encircling the world swallows
its tail once more.

Jesus, be gentle. Come into me,
pop my doubt like an oozing fruit,
harness me to the light so I might saddle
and swing to the sound of your breath as it
sighs amongst the reeds. Test the
limits of my body as I have chewed and
swallowed yours. Communion makes
a cathedral of me, etches shadow
amongst the stars of the vaulted clerestory
as the nave shimmers with the swords
of flaming prayer.

HAVE FAITH, they told me, massage the
qualms from your dark marbles. Drop coins
down the wishing hole, let the godhead flow
through, like ink, to the parchment of you.
Alexandria burns again in the distance,
books yet unwritten exploding within us all
like the floral horror of a supernova.
Arcana lost, arcana found. Meanwhile, reason
and faith explode through the doors of the
friary, grappling like shadows draped upon
the thirsty Earth.

Iscariot, lay me in your bed of thorns and
mandrake, foxglove and myrrh; call me love,
drink blood from me as the moon sets over
Gethsemane. Let the light darken for a bag of
silver, let the bush burn down like a candle
smoldering cold. I've traced upon my bedsheets
maps of the world in its unmaking, lined shelves
with complete skeletons of extinct animals,
their hopelessness; the guts of this 7-day
world, veined with ribbons of gold, starred
by rubies and amethysts of the
deep-down. All of this, man's
betrayal of man.

HAVE FAITH, I tell myself; within the *****
of this bouncy ball clockworked amongst
the spheres, there's a place: vault
of the Animus, where God melts
away in your mouth, where Lady Macbeth
is still wringing her hands beneath
the font and the horses feast upon the
Eucharist of each other's bodies
like they were Easter hams, like their
blood were sweet wine. Where Abraham's
blade still shadows Isaac's binding;
where death has no power over us.
"In every way the treachery of Judas would seem to be the most mysterious and unintelligible of sins. For how could one chosen as a disciple, and enjoying the grace of the Apostolate and the privilege of intimate friendship with the Divine Master, be tempted to such gross ingratitude - for such a paltry price?"
- The Catholic Encyclopedia, 1910
vanessa fonseca Sep 2014
i want to be wrapped in something heavy
maybe loads of barbed wire
i dont care

i think about you more often than i’d like to
i also think about throwing up in various places more often than i should

i’d like to puke into the sea at least once in my life
how much longer will i repeat this
i want to be opened up

open me
pull things out
doesnt matter what
vanessa fonseca Sep 2014
oh, wow, im screaming on this rock at sunset
im screaming about how much im in love with life
which is confusing to me because i am also yelling about how i want someone to shoot me in the chest
is this what being alive feels like
i dont like it
last night i had a dream that my friend was dying
but in a slow and visible way

call me and play 50’s music into the phone
or dont whatever
the cold weather will **** me in time anyways
vanessa fonseca Sep 2014
me being part of a poetry contest was a scam
every time I touch my own face I think of cutting parts of it off with one of those electric pumpkin carvers
i imagined dying from taking 20 diet pills
I imagined I would call someone on the phone and announce to them that I’m dying
I will never publish a book
I might even die before I’m like, 17
my dad never remembers how old I am but that’s ok I don’t know how old he is either
probably like, 47 or something
this isn’t as funny as i thought it would be
when I was 6 I accidentally broke my uncles rake and I felt bad for years even though it wasn’t a great rake probably like 8 dollars
i don’t think my parents are a great couple but whatever
there’s a whole bunch of scratches on my thigh
I feel I’m a poor excuse for a human
I have all the spyro games but I only have beat 4 of them
I tried throwing a paper in the recycling bin about 3 feet from my desk and I missed
vanessa fonseca Sep 2014
i want to remove a lot of my face or maybe the whole thing

i now avoid drinking water and i figured out why
i dont like going to the bathroom because then i have to see more of my body
i love ****** up self esteems
they spice up life, truly

wow. wow ****
the number of times i think about suicide daily is increasing but its not really worrying at all so its okay
i hate the word suicide because theres too much to say about it.
you cant just mention it and get away with it

my mother doesnt like my poems and thats sad to me because they are the only thing i care about that i do.
i love crying next to computers
i just had a strong urge to break a glass cup

one time i yelled something while in my house alone and then threw up on the floor and broke a cabinet
my mother asked “why is this cabinet broken?” one week later
i said “i have no idea. i didnt even notice”
she tried to tape it up before her parents came over for dinner
at the table she mentioned i write great poems
one month later she said she didnt like what i write
hey can i get a glass of water
please hmu with some water im literally dehydrated
**** your goth baseball playing son
vanessa fonseca Sep 2014
when you’re just half kidding
and when you stop caring about your body,
just repeat the cycle.
just keep going and for a minute you’ll think you’re fine again.
you’re safe back at starting point
and from here on it will be different, forever
you’ll never think the same way again.
you’ll never be sitting at your computer
moving back and forth from the treadmill to the chair
moving in and out between “i’m okay” and “please **** me”
because that’s just how you cope and who cares if it’s only sometimes healthy
vanessa fonseca Sep 2014
pull out the blanket from my chest
along with every song that’s been sewed in
and every color it’s made of
(even if it looks completely gray)

i’ve had so many imaginary days with you
vanessa fonseca Sep 2014
with a toothbrush jammed down my throat,
i wonder what it feels like to touch your hand.
i wonder if you'd do that for me
just for these times, i promise

on the bus i placed my hand beside me
and waited exactly 3 minutes.
i wished something would happen.
after that, i realized.

my stomach, as if it were on fire,
i wonder why i did this.
which part of me did this,
and how do i ****** that part

i'm sorry it comes out in places i wish it didnt,
but it needs to go somewhere.
i know i have the sickness,
but we have to pretend that i don't

i find shape when the lights turn on again.
please don't do that.
please let me remain formless forever
vanessa fonseca Sep 2014
i have not spoken to anybody this weekend
this laptop is breaking
today i have taken 4 diet pills and 3 melatonin pills
im focusing on falling asleep at 6pm

theres a scratch on my arm that i dont remember
i hate telling my mom that im not eating dinner
then she knows i ****** up too

today i have cried in 4 different locations
today i changed my desktop background to the color pink
somehow my cold is coming back

i’m waiting for something, i think
this is just in between time
there is a lot of in between time
vanessa fonseca Sep 2014
we speak in contrasting colors
(colors like red and blue and sometimes pink)
i am focusing on becoming a light shade of blue

my stomach heavy with the color red,
i don’t think you hear me when i say i’m lonely
we're only suffocating in this closet
but i guess we're doing it together
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