I um, I haven't really had much of a conversation with you.
Like, a real one. You know, the ones about how the air smells
in spring or how the stars look at night.
But, I keep having this dream where I tell you
that I've always thought that it was my fault.
That I deserved what happened to me.
And to be honest, you are the only person who
makes me feel like it wasn't.
So, thank you.

I want to thank you for saving me.
At first, I hated you because you had to be the one who
brought me to the counselor that day. I was so hell-bent on
wanting to die, that I completely forgot my reasons to live
even though their hands were guiding me to the
front office.

Thank you for being there for me when no one else was.
For asking that oblivious question, "Is it boy issues?" that day in Math class.
For staying with me no matter what.
For being my friend.
For... caring about me.

Michael, thank you.
Thank you so much for everything you are
and everything you ever will be.
I want to wish you the best on your engagement
and I really do hope you live a long and prosperious life with your significant other.

I love you, I really do.

I'm sorry
That I text you
At four a.m.
When
I
Can't
Breathe
Because of
Anxiety attacks.

I'm sorry that
I can't make serious phone calls
Or order at Subway
Around the corner,
Even though I know
I like thinly sliced turkey
And chipotle dressing.

I'm sorry that
I forget things like
Birthdays and middle names
And I'm sorry
That I don't know how to
Kiss.

I'm sorry
That you think
When I don't take a compliment
I'm fishing for you
To keep going,
Because in my rotting skull
That option
Isn't even possible.

I'm sorry.
So sorry.
That if you're
Nice to me
I will never
Ever
Believe you
Actually like me.

I thought I tasted
something unique in your mouth.
It was clean and simple and
you smiled as our mouths
went in and out
like the tide.

I had a night that turned to day,
light touching the bedspread through the narrow window
and crawling up to where our heads lay.

And after months
of eclipse
you struck suddenly like a match
flickering into being.

I held you for a night,
but a match smolders
till it touches your fingers,
and mine are singed.

i thought i liked to ****
rough, *****, ******.
but i'm only ever
sad
after.
i'm only ever
wishing that they didn't
leave me
laying there
like a used vessel
that has merely
served its purpose.

i thought i liked to be
empty
but i'm only ever
wanting for someone to come
pour their heart out to me
so that i might
carry a little
something of them.

i thought a lot of things
and now i
can only think of
how incredibly
quiet it is inside my ribcage

I'm going to stop pretending
That we had something in common
Other than music
And the pool
And our mutual gay friend
Who may one day be
The ruler of the carne asadas
You were my escape once
But no more
I used you, and I admit that
I'm so sorry I did
But I never lied to you
I wanted you near me
I still do
That's what's going to make this
So much more difficult on us
I just want to backtrack
To you and I
Being bus buddies
And hanging out
Before we had the added stress
Of dating
And kissing
Or in my case, attempting to kiss
And failing miserably
And hoping your parents would
Open the door to interrupt us
I want the us before all that
The us before the us
When it was just you and I
Separate but together
Instead of
Together but separate