every night i dream,
i witness the same scenario i've spent years wishing for.
leaving, departing, running,
a location far away,
where no one knows my name.

there, i can unlearn all that has hurt me for years,
my fears, the voices in my head that scream at me that i will be alone forever,
every doubt i ever had.

cleansed of all that once afflicted me, i return home, to choruses and cheers of my reappearance.
those i have willfully hurt, marvel at my newfound self; all accepting my tearful apologies for years of substandard treatment.

but in my heart, i know it to be impossible,
this wish i have cradled for so long.
i will be left forever a singular, devoid  of another's warmth to be called 'home'

It took me seven years
to realise
the words in my mind
were too deep for
my mouth to dig up
I thought it was easier
to open my skin
and let the truth
pour down my arms

It took me seven years
to realise
nobody should be allowed
to touch parts
of your home
or hold pieces  
of your heart
that you don't yet understand

It took me seven years
to realise
I will wear these scars
forever
I'll carry them
through every smile
every kiss
every concerned gaze
I'll carry them
to my grave

It took me seven years
to realise
the pain carved
into the walls
of my castle
etchings of
attempting to disappear
are not a story of weakness
but a tale of
how I survived

what's on my mind?
well i'm glad that you asked
as always, more than i can explain easily
it all started when i thought of a friend
whom i haven't spoken to since i turned 19
i remember her saying she moved far away
and then we just lost contact as i see that many tend to do
i'm lamenting about how those you used to know
only exist in your mind like a snapshot
a picture of where and when they were
not who they are now
maybe you know some about what they're up to
and well, maybe you don't
all that's for sure is they aren't them anymore
they've molted the skin of what they were
despite all you want
you can't change who they are in the present
back to whom they were when you knew them the best
and there's a sad truth to that
tthat everything eventually will become memories
some happy, some miserable.
but if you can learn to separate the pain
from the ones burned into your skull
maybe you can then learn to move forward with you life
and your car won't always be stuck in reverse.
yeah you won't always be staring through your rearview mirror.

7:30 am sharp, our alarm goes off.
i roll over, and look at you, nearly awakened from your sleep,
so very peacefully ignorant to the deadlines and requirements of the world.
and i smile.
your eyes open slowly, locking with mine, as your lips spread wide across your teeth
a small giggle erupting from your mouth.

mornings like these
ones i resigned to impossibility,
now so very commonplace
i can't fathom what life was like prior.
tumultuous,
selfish,
ignorant,
you could call it any bad word and it would fit.

i am whole here
anything i could dream is possible
with my courage as my lance
and your support, a shield
i will grasp that sense of completeness which i have longed for
since childhood.

i foresee death, washed up on the shores
of this island of self-pity i have shipwrecked myself upon
the absence of a willingness to change
mixed with my deprecating thoughts
is all i have consigned myself to drinking
knowing that i am unable to handle self destruction as a normal human would.
whereas one might lose themselves to alcohol
or another intoxicant
I chose to reach further and further into the despair that previously has spurred me towards growth
yet now leaves nothing but fumes to continually choke me.
i wonder.
will i spring out of this cocoon of hate?
or make another attempt to end it for real?
go somewhere greener.
be ******* neater.