being alone
2. spiders
3. ghosts and demons
4. being watched by a ghost
5. creepy noises when I’m sleeping
6. my anxiety consuming me
7. my depression consuming me
8. the dark of my bad days
9. death…
10. you leaving me
11. you lying to me about how you feel
12. you cheating on me
13. you loving another girl while you’re with me
14. you just learning to love someone else
15. that I’m not enough
16. that I’m not enough for you…
17. that everything you have ever told me has all been a lie
18. that one day I will be a bad mother
19. that one day I will be a bad wife
20. that I will remain a bad person forever
21. that I might ever not learn to love myself the way I deserve
22. that I won’t be happy
23. that I actually am a bad person
24. that people talk about me behind my back
25. that no one actually likes me for who I am
26. that everybody is faking
27. that everybody really hates me
28. that I deserve all of this…
29. bugs
30. bats
31. ants
32. snakes
33. creepy old men
34. the internet
35. people who don’t know me
36. people who will hurt me
37. people who think I deserve the way they treat me
38. people who hurt me regardless
39. people who don’t care about me
40. being broken again and again and again…

my reflection,
stares back at me,
with all my insecurities,
flying around
behind me.

my reflection,
unmoving,
still and lifeless,
makes me
conscience.

my reflection,
at age 5,
was happy and enthusiastic,
dressed in bright colours
and loved to smile.

my reflection,
at age 9,
was insecure and semi,
unhappy
with the changes going on.

my reflection,
at age 12,
was unhappy and hated life,
hated herself
because of how fat she was.

my reflection,
at age 15,
became a little happier,
but only a little
because she was still fat.

my reflection,
at age 16,
kind of accepts herself,
only kind of
because she will always be fat.

my reflection,
at age 16,
isn't perfect,
not for society
and not for anyone.

my reflection,
at age 16,
will never be enough,
for you,
or for anyone.

when we kissed there was a spark,
you kept my heart calm,
your smile was my art,
i was happier,

wondered about your scar,
i am broken and in parts,
remember when we watched the stars?
i was happier, way back with you,

ain't nobody hurt me like you do,
but i know nobody could love me like you,
promise i won't fade away, not because of you,
if you do find someone new,

because i was happier with you,
your sweet words echoing my mind,
and i will smile to hide all of my pain,
but you don't know that i was happier with only you,

baby, are you happier without me?
does that someone new kiss you like i did?
but if she leaves you like all the others,
just know i am waiting for you to come home to me.

And to think about it,
she will always be,
his number three,

Behind closed doors,
she cries at night,
under the blanket without any light,

He will never know,
just how much she loves him,
she is drowning and does't know how to swim,

Behind closed doors,
she gives the pain away,
because she knows he won't stay,

He'll never love her,
how could he?
when he just wants to be free,

Behind closed doors,
she wishes on an impossible star,
but it will never come true because it's always too bizarre,

He won't see it,
they way she craves him all night,
and now i don't know what to write,

I guess this is it,
i love you and here the proof,
my amazing silly goof.

When someone asks me,
If I am in love,
I want to say no.

Because saying yes,
Will be more painful,
For me to say.

When I walk down the street,
I want to feel free from love,
I want to let go.

When I was younger all I wanted was love,
But I was naïve and fell for you,
And your lies.

I read those fairytale endings,
Where the princess’s met their prince,
And lived happily ever after.

I wanted that,
That’s all I ever wanted,
That one thing.

But in this world,
You cannot ask for something,
Without getting something in return.

Heartbreak,
Heartache,
Alone.

You were soo nice to me at the start,
You didn’t want much,
But then you started to lie.

And I believed you,
Why?
I don’t know why.

I hated myself,
Whenever you hit me,
Because it was all my fault.

Too late for it now,
Sorry wasn’t an answer,
All I wanted to was to be in love.

I was about to give up,
But then he loved me,
and kissed me,
and i saw the stars for what they were,
and not what wanted them to be; wishes.

I think i finally know what i want,
and i'm afraid to tell him,
but i know he wants the same thing,
an easy and simple forever,
he is the reason why i am still living; a survivor.

to get past the anxiety,
to get past the depression that consumes me,
to stop finding ways to blame myself,
and hurting myself because i was too weak,
he made me see the beauty in things; in our faults.

and i love him,
soo deeply,
soo wholly,
soo purely,
i love him more than i have ever loved and it feels good.

because i'm not afraid anymore

With his touch,

i wasn't lost,

but really only found.

and order some popcorn,
with some pepsi.

let's go to the movies,
and sit on the middle of somewhere at the back.

let's go to the movies,
and throw popcorn at each other and pretend to be mad.

let's go to the movies,
and hold hands.

let's go to the movies,
and whispers cheesy pick up lines to each other in the dark.

let's go to the movies,
and see what happens.

“lie to me again,” she whispered.

“i love you,” he said. ♡

They won't tell you it hurts,
as his hands snake to your shirt.

They won't tell you it's his fault,
as your wounds are filled with salt.

They won't tell you it's will okay,
as he leads you on by being fake.

You won't know why it happened to you,
there was know way you could have known.

You won't have any help during the long nights,
where you remember the feeling of his bites.

You won't escape the dark,
and will avoid going to the park.

Mother,
she will blame you for wearing those short skirts.

Father,
will be disappointed at you for lying.

Your younger sister,
will come and cuddle with you even though she is too young.

****!
*****!
DUMB BLONDE!

they say i was asking for it...
that i wore the low cut top for attention...
that my skirt was the purpose of all of this...
because i wore makeup at night...
and my perfume was too sweet and lingered...
they tell me that i am lying...
that it didn't happen like that...
that i wanted it...
they tell me how i felt during it all...

what they don't know:
it was 1:43am when i last checked my phone and was walking home.
i was 150m from my house.
i was standing underneath a streetlight to answer a text.
i was cold.
i was 17.
i wore those close because i felt good about myself.
he came out of the dark.
he was evil in his eyes.
his hands covered my mouth and wrapped around my neck.
i tried to fight against him as he dragged me away.
i tried to scream.
yell.
bite.
punch.
pull.
get away.
i tried to get away.
but i was asking for this, right?
he held me down against the cold cement.
pulled at my clothes until they ripped.
until my ***** were exposed and my skirt was at my ankles.
until my ******* were nothing but fabric next to my head.
he made sure i didn't make a sound.
he whispered things to me i will never forget.
the feeling of his hands around my throat won't ever go away.
or the way i was used and exposed.
he was stronger than me.
he made his and took everything away from me.
he then left me.
after knocking me out.
left behind a dumpster, i was alone when i woke up.
i was cold.
i was alone.
alone.
alone.
i had nothing left to call clothes.
nothing to cover me.
i was naked.
bare.
vulnerable.
i was only 150m from home.
where i would have been safe.
nobody heard this happen.

The won't tell you it to your face,
but it's always the pretty girls' fault.

I thought what we had was gold,
was okay because you told me you loved me,
and i believed you.

I had the feels,
when you came home late at night,
with the same excuses.

You had a business trip to Tennessee,
you sent me pictures of the hotel rooms view,
you told me again you loved me and missed me.

Your intention was to keep it a secret,
i started to realise things didn't fit,
your lies didn't fit together.

Now we lay next to each other at night,
you don't say it anymore,
i don't care anymore.

I should have hang up the phone,
and let us continue being friends,
but you used your snake charms on me.

I thought what we had was gold,
was okay because you told me you loved me,
ad i believed you.

today, i woke up,
with my demons,
who are in a good mood today,
soo good,
they decided to make my day hell,
to make me feel like ****,
good morning,
they yelled,
i woke up,
with a sick feeling,
i did my hair,
while feeling like vomiting,
i almost did,
today is a bad day,
and i knew it when i woke up,
when i forced myself to eat something,
because i was on the verge of collapsing,
today is a bad day,
i saw him,
i smiled and he turned away,
today is a bad day,
because i almost ****** up everything,
and i didn't mean to,
today is a bad day,
and all my insecurities suddenly became visible,
and i tried to hide them,
today is a bad day.

Ask him how i am,
after seeing me cry my life away,
act like you care,
when i feel like ****,
pretend to love me,
when you see me sobbing loudly,

that's okay,
i have no problem with that,
none at all,
because you're not important,
not anymore,
do you get that?

but when you make up ****,
rumours,
about me,
that you know are not true,
will most defiantly make me mad,
stupid little boy,

i don't care about,
not anymore,
i never actually loved you,
but i said it any way,
because you said it,
i never really cared,

but it still ****** me off,
when you talk this ****,
and then shrug when i ask you why,
it still ****** me off to the point of no return,
when you know you have done something wrong,
but you don't care about me or my feelings,

i should have listened to her,
she warned me about you,
about you being a liar,
a cheater,
someone who uses me,
*******,

******* and your stupid lies,
******* and your blunt excuses,
******* and your bad kisses,
******* and your sad life,
*******,
wait, why would i?

i hate you!

She sat on the 3 seat couch alone,
drink in hand and looking pretty.
Her mind somewhere else,
her foot tapping to the music.
Her glass was already 3/4th's gone,
and she only just got a refill.

As someone walks by,
she looks up and smile.
Trying to keep small conversation.
trying to hold herself together.
Fighting the tears behind her eyes
the pain of needing to let go.

But it's okay,
she is pretty and not at all in pain.
Her hair and makeup are perfect,
no indication that she wants to die.
So she downs the rest of her drink,
and sadly goes in to refill.

All this alcohol and it does nothing,
no numbness at all.
Only hazy thoughts bouncing back to you,
only you and always you.
She goes back to her couch and pulls herself together,
because girls like her aren't suppose to want to **** themselves.

they said,
it would be fun,
no one will get hurt,
it's harmless,
it will be okay,

they lied,
it's safe,
no one will find out,
just for a short time,
we'll be okay,

they thought,
as they were drunk,
that it would be okay to,
have 6 people in a car,
and drive and drive,

they didn't see it,
the flashes of light,
the bright and undesirable sight,
the pain from looking,
away,

they didn't hear it,
the screams to stop,
slow down and stop,
the sound go metal against metal,
the bang, crack and boom,

they said,
it would be fun,
no one will get hurt,
it's harmless,
it will be okay,

they didn't know,
that they would die,
at 3:27am drunk,
and high from the fumes,
they didn't get to say goodbye.

Its soo ******* hard to say,
Soo ******* hard to think about it.

But I can’t help but think about it.

I have too.

But it makes me sick.

The details, my stomach does flips.

I need to do this, I have to do this.

If I don’t, I will looose everything.

My mouth is dry from overthinking her smile.

My face are wet from remembering her laugh.

My hands are sweaty from remembering her touch.

I need to do this, I got to.

My lungs feel like they are going to burst.

I think my heart is missing beats.

That’s not normal.

Breathe.

In
And
Out.

In
And
Out.


Its soo ******* hard to say,
Soo ******* hard to think about it.

But I can’t help but think about it.

I
have too.

Because I love her.

feeling the pain,
feeling the same,
feeling like ****,
feeling like this is it,
feeling alone,
feeling heavy as a stone,
feeling cold,
feeling old,
feeling bad,
feeling mad,
feeling the darkness,
feeling heartless,
feeling undeserving,
feeling like my world is curving,
feeling the pain,
feeling the same,
it's just
another day

you left me,
i get it,
i wasn't good enough,
for you.

my demons,
got the best of me,
i am sorry,
i cried all the time.

but i loved you,
with all my heart,
more than i could tell you,
more than i could give you.

and because of that,
i am falling apart,
alone,
without your arms around me.

to keep me safe from it,
the darkness,
the sadness,
i am sorry.

you left me,
and i never meant for it happen,
i loved you soo much,
i still love you.

but i am fading,
i have no energy left,
to fight this battle,
and to be happy with my life.

Scream for help, i dare you!
I’m trying.
Ask for help because you’re weak!
I don’t want to be weak.
Remember when you cried all the time and everybody thought you were weak?
Yeah, how could i forget?
Only weak people cry!
I’m not weak.
You almost made it!
I almost made it.
You almost thought you were beautiful!
I almost thought i was beautiful.
You almost knew what it was like to be happy!
I almost knew what it was like to be happy.
Soo close babygirl!
I was soo close.
Soo close to being clean!
The scar was almost gone.
Soo close to loving yourself!
And i was really close to loving myself.
No one could ever love you!
I’m stupid for believing someone could love me.
How could they?
I mean, look at me!
You’re not enough?
I’m obviously not enough.
You’ll never be enough!
I’ll NEVER be enough.
Never!
Never.
Stupid girl!
Stupid me.
Useless!
I’m useless.
Worthless!
I’m worthless.
And the my personal favourite, NOT ENOUGH!**
And you’re personal favourite, i’m not enough.

Voices yell, repeat, stop!
Louder, not enough, no!
Worthless, alone, again!
Almost, so close, never!

Voice yell, repeat, stop!
Angry, useless, idiot!
Stupid, ugly, i know!
Almost, so close, never!

Voices yell, repeat, stop!
Screams, empty, endless!
Again, alone, never!
Almost, so close, i know!

me,
worthless,
stupid me,

myself,
no one cares,
why should they,
i don't,

I,
can't do it anymore,
it's getting too cold,

me,
silly,
dumb me,

myself,
i hate myself,
and so do you,
i know it,

I,
am over it,
the voices in my mind

The shaking starts, my hands,
The nausea kicks in, my stomach,
The pain reignites, my heart,
The emptiness echoes, my head,
The numbness screams, my mouth,

The shaking spreads, to my body,
The nausea get’s worse, my throat,
The pain feels good, my skin,
The emptiness explodes, my heart,
The numbness feels warm, my lips.

the constant shaking,
and over thinking,
and the insecurities,
mixed with the feeling of always being alone,

**** anxiety,
and the attacks,
the crying,
and the sobbing,
the pain,

stupid anxiety,
for putting me through this this,
for making me hate the people i love,
for causing me to thin **** about them,
when really they are good people,

**** anxiety,
and what i have to do to hide it,
every single day of my life,
i have to stay strong,
and put on a smile to be 'normal',

**** anxiety,
and the stupid emotions it gives me,
the butterflies everyday,
the shaking,
just **** it.

**** anxiety.