Here I am thinking

What have I become?

Is this me, Was it me before?

I'm exhausted by the constant adding up

-multiplying the times I have had to reassess

Where am I in this maze..

I feel the certainty chip away as the people I love wilt and disappear

The knowledge I once held close I lay down next to their once comforting words

Nothing is definite
Fact is a state of Illusion
Am I alright with this?

I once declared..  "I thrive on chaos"
I now search for comfort within it, and hold on tight to my own prospects

Is this really who I have become?
What do I fear? .. Measurement(?)

Those who are adding up their own multiples(?)

Me
As I look myself over in the mirror
judging.. assessing the weight of each insult

Who cares?
Do I? How can I find contentment in all of these flaws
My lack of effort
My lack of effort to conform to ideals .. is this part of me, a rebellion of sort

Will it pay off in the long run or will I fall flat on my face in the abyss of conformity

I am lucky I am loved. I think

oh so lucky .. luck is temporary, it's all temporary
that's the good part(!) We don't have to dwell but(!) might we have to Answer

To Pay.. for all decisions and outcomes.
Is this why(?)


..I know I am not the only one thinking..

What I tell you is a lie
I tell you things to get a rise
When I see the way you sway
I smile and just walk away

I start a fight to watch you boil
you steam and flinch and shake with toil

I don't know what else I could possibly do
that'd be as fun as
picking on you

You can shake me

Knock me around

Make your sour faces at me

Throw your hatred and your doubt at me

But I won't budge

I won't stop what I'm doing to acknowledge

your disapproval

isn't mine

She gazed, staring into her own pupils..
fixing her brows

smoothing those lines beside her widening closed grin
Fixating heavily on skin disregarding what lie beneath  

A facade of certainty in worth or power

False knowledge of what the importance weighed

A mirror showing to her an image
Familiarity in shapes & shades
A contentment enrobed her shoulders
As she twitched and straightened her posture

The women glared

..The men looked on
Watching her pull hair behind one ear and then free it again

Discomforted Ticks unraveling

A soft glimmer in her eye pinning back all tell
This is what I see, and this is what I'll show..

In a moment she perceived to be alone
She was safe with her own reflection
In her own head space but still seen

Onlookers peering, counting the moments of doubt

Clocking the paces and plotting the course in directions

A two sided mirror ..with many reflections

Ha! Here I am
still

Reflecting upon my efforts to contend
Mending broken pieces
in my very own fence

Finding myself
with hope
even after all of those bends

I am still Going
Where(?) I shall discover all in due time

Now, realizing
this is Prime

I mustn't race

I am still surely Going

Is it just me or does everything feel a little forced lately

.. as if the person writing it is thinking..
What will this post say about me?
What will this perspective say...?

How will people think of me after this sentence..
this post..
this update..
this picture..
       ?

Will I seem cooler to them..
lame
immature
funny
brilliant
beautiful
smart..
smart-er(?)

How do I project the image I would like reflected back onto me
This reflection only I am seeing

To brand myself before I am Branded

Do you go to the places I go?
     Deep in the mind
Into the Heart
Throughout the Soul

It is there
There is a River
leading to a Youthful Hope
Where we play without fear
without care
without expectation

A Joyful bliss of only Creation
of enlightenment
of glee
of learning everything true

It is there that you will meet your heart



If you go too often..
BEWARE!
you could end up
Young Forever

Who do I speak to when I throw my words out into the abyss
This public wall of "communication"

Often leaving me waiting in contemplation of self
Of worth and impact

**Alone in this web of inner nets

Wanting to believe that goodness will win
I don't
Seeing it ****** from it's core and strangled in the dark

Wanting to believe that love will last
I don't
Seeing it exploited and smeared then ripped and destroyed

Wanting to know that All will be well
I don't
Knowing the outcome could be bleak
It's devastation could be crippling

and still,

I throw myself in


Chaos is where I thrive

where I spread my far cast

Creativity flourishes
Spanning out to make beauty where there is none

Hatred surrounding me
I dream up ways to counter balance

with art
with words
with empathy

a simple smile

to be real
to all without ulterior motivation
Giving freely the heart feltedness
that I so
Desire
and so

.. Expect

I want to be alone in that song
 .........
You carry my heart back home
A small piece of eternal happiness
that keeps pace with that beat
Fleeting memories of a time when all was well
Nothing ached, or echoed
every breeze bringing a smile to my heart and a kick to my step
I danced freely with lightness, twirling
my hips like a tornado of heavy cream stirred into your coffee
sing me back with your sweet sweet lips

It is very very late

I am awake

Wanting .. only

-To Create

.. My wrists hurt from typing and pushing, scrolling and tapping

When it’s not drawing it’s painting.. If not that I am working digitally, my hands, wrists and fingers ache and burn and still.. I never want to stop

I had no idea that what began as a life of crayons and markers would escalate into an obsession with all medium(s)

Wanting to turn on every light and collect every tool of creation I have in possession .. To explore every avenue of accumulated knowledge and expression

It’s a craving for sure..

But not tonight.

What could get me
more likes
more love
more faves
?

what can I do for more attention and Views today..?
I know..

Watch me create
look at this
I made this overnight

Look at this funny post
I found it.. I poured over the images and stories to find this
to return it to
My Page

watch me ..in real-time pour my soul out on your screen
I will complain and throw verbal tantrums of
desperation
seeking
all
attention



crying out
for love
for views
for likes
or just sympathy



Look at all of these images of me and all of the people
in my
Life
see there, ..
that's when I was happiest
Isn't that amazingly great?..
like it
..please



Support my life
with your attention
Confirm to me
that
you see
You see the persona I am sculpting through my Feed


I am the Best

I am just beautiful

I am so inspiring and desirable
to study
and to affirm

And when we meet in person
you will know
that I know
That you like the image I have projected
and I
yours

We will sit together side by side
with phones and
devices

together
separately
crafting our online identities