I
loathe
fighting with
my entire being.
Maybe because I have
never really been in a fight
just observed my parents, my
friends, everyone around me and
watched as the tension built and built
and built making me feel as small as a child
and as powerless too. People don’t understand
the consequences of their actions, I don’t understand
people. But, I understand fights. Words are like slingshots
catapulting friendships into dangerous territories the words you
say sometimes you mean them, sometimes you don’t and it’s the
words you mean that are the worst. Those are the words you can’t
take back.  And what I understand about fights taught me this. A fight
is like a symphony it builds and builds until its deafeningly loud, and then
its quiet, and there is nothing left leaving its audience unbearably sad and at a
loss.

My grandfather built a canoe when I was young
A handmade wooden canoe
A canoe thats never been used
He built that old canoe in an end of life crisis
A crisis brought on by quitting smoking
Now he lives in a home for people just like him
People who don't know they're in a home
And now he remembers that old canoe
But he doesn't know my name
How many people are jealous of canoes
And now I have to wonder if he made the wrong choice
The choice he made when he quit smoking
Because I would rather die of rotting lungs
Than live on while my brain rots

that was the day I set sail
that was the day I said goodbye
before the day of my shipwreck
before the day I closed my eyes to die

you see
I thought you would miss me
when I set sail
when I left for the sea

and now here I lie
on the ocean floor
waiting for the tide to be kind enough
to wash me up onto the shore

but now I see
I dont know how to make you miss me
because now I know
you never did love me

I once read
(as I often do)
That every seven years your cells regenerate
(making you basically new)
I used to think it was cool
(when I still had you)
But now I am afraid
(I am terrified)
I want to be that old person again
(the one that you recognized)
Because if you don't recognize me
(who will)

on my seventeenth birthday
you said you were gonna stick around
so I thought that meant forever
that we were as good as bound
but where are you now

on the day my brother left
you said you would never hurt me
that we will be good for each other
just you wait and see
but where are you now

when we had our first fight
you said that our fight was a good thing
and I had learned to believe you
so your praises I would still sing
but where are you now

on the day you said goodbye
you said I was holding you back
that you needed some time
you promised you were coming back
but where are you now

on the day you had been gone a month
he said I was beautiful and told me a joke
now you are coming back
but he already fixed the heart you broke
thats where I am now

are you good at this
it happened when you leaned in for the kiss
by the trees
we were in the outline of the forest
and you knew what I wanted
you
I loved you like
I had always wanted to love someone
and I thought this was what it was all about
that I could leave behind the other aspects of my life
we would always have each other
right?
so why am I here?
standing like a homeless person
on the corner of anxiety and depression
begging you to come back
because when I lost you I lost me
I gave up everything for you
and you just gave me up
like catching a fish and releasing it
I never thought that being left would feel like this
I feel hopeless
like a tidal wave has ripped through my life
and took everything I had to sea
it took you from me
I want you back
I want the tide to roll back in with you
but I can't love you anymore because you left
my friends say you ruined me in hushed tones when I leave the table
the sad part is
I agree with them
I think I should have known
that someone who kisses so well must kiss often
must want to practice with other girls
but you don't have to practice leaving
you are good at that