first it's the shock
you can't even believe it.
then comes the anger
oh god the burning you'll feel inside.
you hate him and hate him and curse him
for every single happy memory
he gave you.
then the despair comes
you're awake endless hours of the night,
and you hate yourself and hate yourself and curse yourself
for allowing yourself to fall in love
with his demonic smile
and unhallowed laugh.
you cry your eyes red
your sadness takes on a physical form.
you don't eat.
you don't sleep.
you feel no compelling reason to be
alive.
the longer it was, the longer this lasts
and every time you think you're getting better,
you spiral down the drain again and
suffocate in your own grief.
you cut your skin and
your veins are trying to accommodate
all the alcohol diffusing into your blood.
you scream at the top of your lungs
you believe you are going insane
and the only thought haunting you
for the rest of your days is
"why wasn't i good enough?"
(e.s 'november fifteenth')

ground zero
i become aware of boundaries
i am a dog chasing cars
i sing your voicemail to sleep
there are no surgeon general warnings
to tell me that
the objects in the mirror
are more depressed than they appear
so how do i tell you
that there are parts of my life
that move slower
without you in them?
or that i look for you every day
in emails & unanswered calls
in the sunrises
i didn't choose to be awake to watch
that i sometimes still stare at doorways hoping you would walk through them
   *stage 1 you tell your new lover you've got a splinter and they pull the sound of your body falling asleep on mine out of your fingertip
   stage 2 your new lover says something at dinner that makes you choke so they call 911 & the paramedics do the hymleich not knowing you would ***** our promises all over the the restaurant
   stage 3 your new lover surprises you by cleaning the house & washes the shirt you kept next to the bed, not knowing it was the last thing you had that smelled like me
after
people always ask
what was loving her like?
after a really long silence
i just say
"it must be nice"
but i never say
it's watching paint dry
i never say
it's a window seat in hell
i don't tell anyone
about the dreams
where i am reading you
bedtime stories
each one is a different way you die
& every time i can never save you
dreams where what i think
are angels in my bedroom
are just homeless versions
of myself you never loved
i have dreams
where i pay someone to shoot me
just to see if you would cry
just to see
if you would cradle my body
i don't tell people
that loving you is like
playing piano
for someone who can't hear
that it's hitting repeat
on my favorite song
& forgetting the words
every time it starts over
that it's finding out
there's no milk after you already
poured yourself a bowl of cereal
it's getting locked in the dark
& being told to
look on the bright side
that loving you is like
being reminded of what it felt like
the first time
you accidentally let go
of a balloon as a child
it's drowning without the water
it's the feeling you get
when you start to dance
& the song ends

11:11pm- i'm making a wish right now. i wish he loved me.
11:12pm- i wasted another one, he's never going to love me again so what's the point?
11:42pm- i can't stop thinking about him. i replay his laugh in my head.
12:16am- i wish i just told him. i had the chance right in my grasp. next time.
1:37am- i can't sleep. i want to call him. it's never really over, is it? i still have a chance...he could still come back.
2:03am- i have made a mistake. my breath reeks of ***** when i call you and you can probably smell my drunkenness.
3:16am- i called you three times. you didn't answer. i wasn't expecting you to. remember when you used to answer all my three a.m. calls? i do.
5:52am- i feel faint. i think i'm going to pass out. i can't breathe. i stepped on the broken glass of the beer bottles i smashed on the floor after trying to drown you in them.
2:26pm- i just woke up. my head is pounding and there is dried blood on my feet and knees where i collapsed in your memory.
7:00pm- you should be coming home from work right now.  i still set you a place at the table of our small studio apartment.
8:47pm- you never came home.
9:15pm- i wonder what you're doing right now..do you miss me?
11:11pm- i wish he loved me.
(e.s. "24 hours")