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savannah ford Dec 2018
Even though I’ll never wrap another present for you

Even though you’ll never get to make another impeccable christmas ham

Even though you’ll never get to see the shimmering lights on our tree again

I wish with every ounce of my heart and soul that you and I could be together.

Even if it’s just for one eve
Even if it’s just for one drink
Even if it’s just for one hug

That would be my happiest holiday
I know this won’t be the case
For this holiday
And for every holiday we will spend apart
Just longing for just a moment with one another
I want you to know that,

I’m trying
I’m fighting
I’m surviving

For you
And everything you stood for.

To continue creating a legacy for you
Because in my tired and grieving vision, you are the only one truly worth of that

Maybe that makes me sickly and toxic to others
But what does that matter to me?
Because they are not you
Could never be you
No matter how hard they tried
Nobody can ever be as amazing as you were

Happy holidays daddy
xoxo
savannah ford Dec 2018
When you were here, all of these hues and tints that are painted throughout my everyday life were not only bright.
But they were vibrant, moving, and meaningful.

Now that you're gone
And I’m alone
In this cold and grey world

I’m sure you cant notice the difference, because all the colors, hues, and tints, left with you.

I still see all of these meaningless shades of blue, green, red and yellow.

All they do is remind me of how grey life is now, without you

All they do is remind me of how all the colors left with you

I've tried for many hours and days
To try to enjoy life’s color pallet

But none of the shades mean anything to me anymore

Maybe it’s just my fault for not trying harder
Maybe the colors left long before you did
And they completely lost meaning once you departed

Will I ever be sure?
Will I ever find a answer or meaning?

Or will I always be looking into our past to remind myself of what all these hues and tints once meant to me,
Before you left me,
Alone
In this cold and grey world
savannah ford Dec 2018
You really ****** me over
You had me convinced in your facade

Believing you were everything
Believing you were my soulmate

And then to one day just rip everything I knew
Out from under me?

With no explanation?
You really ****** me over

Now my constant feeling of
Not being enough
Is eating me alive

Because you told me we
Were boring

Boring?

Just the sound of that word
Shakes me
To the core

You really ****** me over

But i've forgiven and grown
I wish things were different sometimes
However, I am happy .

I just wanted to let you know
That
You are really nice
and I am a circus act
savannah ford Nov 2018
I remember holding your cold fingers.

The feeling of your cold flesh
Touching mine
Left my body soulless

I was still holding on
Being without a soul didn't matter
As long as I was holding you

I now long for that feeling
of your cold skin grazing mine.

In that moment
I was closer
Now i’m hours
Days

        Months

                         Away from you

My core is rotten
I’m overflowing with anxiety and fear
In that rotten core of mine
There is a thick and toxic dosage of dred
Anger
                
            Insecurity

                                Let me join you
savannah ford Nov 2018
That **** dark green
I’m not sure why your body
Still full of gold
Was placed on a table cloaked in that dark, haunting green.

I used to see green as a symbol of joy, simplicity, and profit.
Now all I see in green is misery, complication, and loss.
It’s funny how one tragedy can give something so meaningless, meaning again.
Ironic really
Tragedy’s are supposed to take things away
Tragedy’s are supposed to create a never-ending void.
Tragedy is bad at its job, can you blame it
It has the worst one.

Sometimes I see green in the light now
Driving, As the sun beams on the leaves
Making the chlorophyll appear ever so bright in my eyes.
But obviously this is temporary
Temporary brightness
Quickly clouded by tragedy
Oh , how I wish
That my tragedy was temporary too.
savannah ford Nov 2018
I thought I knew
He said it was too boring for him.
So I didn’t write for a period of time
Maybe that's where I lost a piece of myself

Then I had a cause
That cause became even more ill
My cause was slowly dying
Now, so was I

I had to keep searching for someone to write for.
I looked in dark and unfamiliar places
Getting myself hurt and traumatized in the process.
I had given up
I was done writing

Until one day
I bumped into a new “who”
What made him my favorite was that within him
He had so many other things I could write for

He kept me writing
Made me stronger
Wiser
A better writer

Some of the things I write for hurt me
Maybe that's why I write about them
Maybe i’m writing for healing
Or maybe i’m still just as lost as I was
That would mean i’m writing to find something
Possibly myself?

— The End —