Lately I've been driving in my car by myself
The night sky reflecting off the empty streets
That I convince myself belong to me
Until the lights of another car remind me that everything is shared
And I'm moving in montages, in sequences as the lazy strums of a guitar match my existing beat
And I know where I'm going, the path opens up to me each turn I take
But I have no idea what I'll do when I reach my dark, quiet home
Full of people, yet I'm the only one awake, in this reality that feels just as far away as their dreams
I'm alone in my shower when it warms my skin and melts the ways I tried to distract myself today
A heavy comfort I cannot fully accept within my melancholy
I walk into my hollow room, becoming the only life inside
I begin to search for the meaning of Narcissism
But stop myself because I know a picture of you would appear
Like the one in my journal with your eyes crossed out
And they say eyes are the window to the soul
But those are not windows
Those are prison cells

It hurt worse than I thought, and it's odd realizing this after a whole year has passed
You leaving hurt for a fleeting minute, you entering my life is a dull pulsating pain
Wishing I could have met him before I met you
Wishing you didn't have to have hurt me everyday
So that I can love him so much more fully
So that there's no more nausea
And vomiting of consistent episodic assaults on repeat
There are things I cannot even share under a pseudonym
Things darker than any night time, darker than any horror imaginable
Turning like a wheel with a knife, stabbing me every time you pass by
He has no wheel, he has no knife, but I can still feel your wounds


A jackhammer in my brain engrains the filth in my memory
Sometimes he can take it away
Sometimes he can kiss it all away
But sometimes I'm alone in my own bile and venom
Praying I don't choke or die
Even though apart of me would much prefer it to the pain
Because of you I would like to die
Because of him I could never leave this Earth.

Take a drink everytime you find yourself absentmindedly hurting yourself (stop itching your scalp it isnt itchy blood its bleeding)
Take a drink everytime you can't get out of bed
Take a drink everytime you consider suicide (wouldn't be this tired anymore sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep)
Take a drink everytime you eat too much
Take a drink everytime you eat too little (I can see my ribs again bones bones bones bones bones)
Take a drink everytime you become unhealthily attached to someone
Take a drink everytime you feel alone (my friends don't seem to call anymore forgotten forgotten forgotten)
Take a drink everytime you isolate yourself from your friends
Take a drink everytime you hate your body (Its only flesh after all skin and bones bones and skin)
Take a drink everytime you compare yourself to your father
Take a drink everytime you can't turn off traumatic past experiences (when will they stop playing re-runs this show makes me sick get off of me get off of me get off)
Take a drink everytime you really are becoming your father
Take a drink everytime you blame yourself for not saying "no" or "stop" (he wouldn't have listened anyway too weak too weak too weak weak)
Take a drink everytime you forget to shower
Take a drink everytime you remember your ex too fondly (I am not your toy anymore I exist exist I do)
Take a drink everytime you acquire unhealthy coping mechanisms
Take a drink everytime you bottle things up (my therapist doesn't need to know how traumatized I am dont touch me dont touch me dont touch me dont)
Take a drink everytime you sleep the day away
Take a drink everytime something little sets you off (you just spilled some water, relax water water waterwater)
Take a drink everytime someone uses you to their advantage
Take a drink everytime you consider quitting your job (who needs money when you can be dead dead dead dead dead)
Take a drink everytime you consider dropping out of college
Take a drink everytime you get false hope that you'll get better (it always ******* comes back it always ******* comes back it always ******* comes back it always ******* comes back)

You are a warm home with the front door wide open
I walk through the entryway and a whirling scent
Of something from when I was child but I could not quite pinpoint
It led me through the carpeted living room with the curtains drawn
To the bedroom with disheveled sheets and blankets
Made of angel soft hair and cupid’s kisses

I melt into the ocean foam mattress
And it embraces me as a mother who misses her child
As I drift away with the stripes of sun gently kissing my face
I realize that in this house I am not alone

The walls move with your breath
The clocks tick with your heart beat
The warmth is your blood
And the scent is your skin

I walk into the bathroom and a cloud of steam welcomes me
And  pulls me into the bath
And I am soaking in it like a cauldron
Like a witches’ love potion
Seeping through my pores

Until my arms my legs my back
Sink in to the ceramic of the tub
And spread across the walls
And now

The walls move with our breath
The clocks tick with our heart beat
The warmth is our blood
And this house

This house is our love.

You're my dream come true that much is clear
When I'm with you there's no fear
So let's kiss in your bed till we die
Let's laugh even though we feel like we could cry
I want to see you
Every part of you
There's nothing you could ever do
To keep me away
Maybe someday
I'll become your mirror and
Maybe you'll see yourself clearer
As the gentle, soft light
That makes my life bright
Even when the winter
Overwhelms me with the darkness of night

I walk the halls of my empty house in the winter with no socks on. Just my toes against the freezing hardwood. I come across my dog and pet him with tears in my eyes willing him to understand what I'm going through somehow/I know I'm really on my own. I sit on the couch and stare at black screen in front of me. I start to shiver/ I wish for one of the silent intimate moments when you'd wrap a blanket around my shoulders, you could tell I was cold. I used to fall asleep in your bed by your side and wake up to the light tapping of your fingers on the keyboard/now I wake up to darkness inside and out. I convince myself the blankets are your body up against mine/I only make myself insane with solitude. You leave my books on my porch without saying a word, I search through all the pages looking for a goodbye note/you are just a ghost to me now.

Why was leaving me as easy and ugly as taking off velcro shoes. It made that tearing noise too. I don't feel so good. I lost my appetite. She said leave me alone and my heart sped up and then it flat lined. I keep telling my dog I'm clairvoyant. That I always knew I'd end up this disappointed. Gutted. Just like a fish. Just as messy, not so tragic.