somebody told me there
was the dark
something black upon the lines
a shadow in the light
of the skin
hovering
just below the tip of my tongue
as you lean in to kiss me

i ask you to hit me
and you oblige
press the pads of your fingers
into the curve of my hips
and pull

though i do not know how to write this
the desire
the black
the ache
the tender feeling as you kiss me gently
on the forehead
run your fingers through my hair
before you grab tight and pull me down
with barely enough time to moan
or gasp in pleasure

for it's a complicated sort of thing

i am writing
as if this **** is art
something broken within the wine
a voice upon the wind
and the red ink upon my paper
this is eventually all the same
the voice and the silence
the pain and the ache
the anger and the crying
until i am left with nothing to write about

for these are the moments
when i learn willingly
to hate the poems
i seem to be only capable
of writing

for i am still going
and writing and laughing
in circles
no closer to any answer at all

as if there could be
those lines
something along the wave
of the water
the curve of my bones
a shallow scrape against the palm
of my hand
as i reach in against the mirror
to kiss the cool of the glass
while the panic
subsides

i am still waiting
for something
and it is unknown whether i
will be capable of feeling it
when i do
whether the moment
when i finally come undone
nails locked along the length
of my arms
teeth through the pad of my lip
something about my body
tense with an ache
the absence of control
whether it
will be worth it in the end

i say i should
be writing
i say i should
be able to handle it
i say

that this
is eventually sometimes not
worth it
whether in the end
i can hold my body steady
that i can piece it together
lick the blood slowly
from the base of my skull
and pry the muscles apart
pry everything apart
until it no longer hurts

for this
is hopefully now
nearly over

at least
in the end,
you were polite
about it.*

your hand
rests gently
on the back of my neck,
nails rough and worn
as you trace your way
down the length of my spine,
turning each ****
with a definite crack and caress
until you reach the curves
of my hips
and dig in.
sorry. *i'm sorry. i'm sorry.
i'm sorry. *
my name, something other
than a curse, the words
just hovering
between the space of your lips
as one of us, i'm not sure who,
starts to cry.
we are left with
your hand on my heart,
knife on my gullet,
lips pressed softly to my cheek
in prayer
as you apologize once more,
and the moment
where everything pauses

and i brace myself
for the impact.

and i wonder how i got to here.

smile. whether for me, or him or anyone else
in particular, i don't know anymore.
not now.
and i do not question it.
because regardless of whether or not i like it,
this city is beautiful,
the shallow curve of the mountains
in the distance as the traffic spans
the boulevards beside me.
for i inhabit (this) now,
and my body moves, one foot
after another, the stretch and the pull
of my muscles in the morning,
the curve of my stomach as my hands
wrap around the width of my hips
in photos, and the mirror
and the odd moments where i am simply
aware of just being.

i have barely begun to explore the start
of my arrival (at the spaces between my ribs,
the line from my neck to the top
of my shoulders, the curve of my jaw,
the crease of my eyelids while i smile,
hands on my hips, body curving over
in laughter while i dig my fingers
into my belt loops in an attempt to stay steady).
and in the end,
i am happy regardless
of how i got here.

you
rivet me, ***** me
tightly down, bolts snapping,
wire stretched
thin
along the slow, grinding gears
of my body.
but
i do not understand
why, for i have done
everything
you wanted, have become
anything you wanted
me to be. i
have practiced,
observed, studied the tilt
of her head
when she laughs,
how she blinks her eyes
before answering
any question you've
asked her.
and i
am nothing short
of perfection in
my replication,
down to the tiniest details
that you've never consciously noticed
to her nails, her hair, her lips,
the colour of her eyes as she laughs.
for this is why i
am here,
to please, excite,
follow your orders.
i am built to serve,
accept and follow you,
give you pleasure
and predict your every move,
i am yours to do with
what you wish,
for i am
the machine and you
are my master.
but this time
i cannot
understand why,
you are not pleased
with the results of
my actions.
so please, before
you lower the axe,
this time
for the final blow,
will you tell me please,
why you are crying.

part three*

you tell me
you love me
and i wish to stop breathing
curl my body forward into yours
clutch my fingers
against your shoulders
breath your scent in
and almost will myself to cry
as i am overcome

i hope you know how
happy you make me

why is it now
though i think i knew
understood it in the end
the pull of this
force by something other
than magic
that maybe i can heal it over
by the press of her hips to mine
the tangle of her fingers
in my hair
and the tug as she pulls
me to her
fingers locked to the collar
of my shirt
as she takes me down
out
across the sheets
and in the end
this is fantasy
smoke along the shallow curve
of my back
the trace of my gaze
up her legs until
i reach her *******
and look away

funny though
for by the end of it
i had to unpack it all
trace my face in the mirror
and dig deep enough
the squeeze the valve
of my heart open
and push all the blood
out across the floor
because

i am sleeping
with him
his teeth a bite along
the edge of my skin
his fingers digging into my hips
my arms clinging to him
as i whisper (i love you,
i love you, i
love you) in an attempt
to spread this truth
out along the axis of
my heart

and i'm still watching her