i have been to hell
and back,
sometimes i return.

i was rummaging through the sock drawer,
i found the candle
that i burned during that winter i lost you
it was too hard to handle.

you left me,
and the smell brought it all back:
the loneliness,
the blood, the anxiety attacks.

i hated that winter,
your absence was so loud.
i was a zombie in my own chains,
you were my black cloud.

i needed you so bad,
i know that's a horribly cliché thing to say,
but i couldn't sleep, eat, smile or laugh
i needed you those days.

i was a hollow shell
of someone i never knew.
i thought it'd maybe make me stronger,
i barely made it through.

the silence and confusion
rang in my ears.
the pain is so real
it won't disappear.

merry Christmas,
i wish you were here,
i hope you're having a great time
i am drowning in my fear.

that Christmas was the coldest one
that i have ever known,
i never thought i could get that bad,
why'd you leave me on my own?

i denied it all,
tried to hide the pain
but it crept around corners,
slipped into my veins.

the days faded into nights,
the nights into days,
i never left my bed,
i was a slave to your dark and estranged haze.

my only friends were the figures
that danced across my bedroom walls.
the flame would flicker and shake,
i watched the shadows rise and fall.

the sadness smells like linen and ocean waves
i will throw that candle away,
one day
one day.

i have moved on now,
moved on with deep tissue scars.
it's not fair to him
i'm still behind your prison bars.

i have moved on now,
nightmares and anxiety attacks
are horrible souvenirs,
maybe i'll get over this soon, hopefully this year.

i lie when i say
"i breakdown for no reason",
i'm broken because i am remembering that
heartbreak season.

maybe i am how i am because i slept under my bed as a child, maybe the monsters made their way into my head while i slept dreaming of ice cream and playgrounds

or maybe i am how i am because God stopped listening a long time ago

or maybe i am how i am because he killed himself two summers ago and i couldn't go to his funeral

or maybe i am the way i am because i have to dust off my dad's TOMBSTONE because i now realize people leave and stop caring but i CAN'T.
I can't.

1/19/15
4:03 AM: why did you stop caring about me?

1/22/15
11:46 PM: I've been so alone.

1/25/15
3:27 PM: you can't give me advice about staying sober when you are always high.
3:29 PM: i don't think you'll ever understand how bad this hurts.
3:30 PM: you don't understand how badly I've been hurting.
3:30 PM: you don't know how bad you hurt me.
3:31 PM: you tore me apart.

1/26/15
4:21 PM: do you ever scratch your scrub your skin until you bleed?
4:31 PM: sometimes i feel like i'll never make it out...

1/28/15
5:03 PM: there's a gun underneath my bed
5:10 PM: i keep it within reach just incase the war gets to be too much

5
heaven is like the bible says
everyone will be there
we will all laugh
there is no time
the streets are paved with gold

7
heaven is like the bible says
a paradise
but not everyone goes
there is no time
the streets are paved with gold

9
heaven is like the bible says
but there are a lot of rules
not everyone goes
but whoever does goes forever
and the streets are paved with gold

12
heaven is like the bible says
and i don't understand it.
we had a preacher at daddy's funeral
but i am scared that won't be enough for him

13
heaven is what all of my friends learn about in church
i stopped going

14
heaven is limited
i don't know if daddy even made it
if I die, I will see him locked outside the gate
and I will join him
and hold his hand

16
heaven is black
like my eyes
like my heart

we both know
i can't do this on my own

we both know
how i get when i am alone

we both know
i have tried to do it
alone

we both lost count
of the failures

you prayed to God
for a miracle every night.

i left.

i'm sorry it took so long
for Him to listen.

when you feel your heart breaking
your body will start shaking.
you'll look away,
curse the tears because they didn't stay.

when you feel your heart breaking
your chest will start aching.
your lungs will cry out
and you'll gasp as you fill them through your mouth.

when you feel your heart breaking
you'll spend all the time faking.
hold your breathe,
pretend you aren't aching.
slam your eyes shut, tell yourself you aren't breaking.

when you feel your heart breaking
the shards will impale your weak chest,
they'll cut you open and make you shriek in the night
the nightmare doesn't end when you open your eyes.

when you feel your heart breaking
you check your chest for the proof
but there's nothing there but the skin
you wish you were not born in.

it often occurs,
every time
hurts worse

it all piles up
like ***** laundry in the basket.

does no one wash their clothes anymore?

i am numb
and i guess
that is progress

forget to tell her goodnight
after you have
made her cry,
she probably cried in her dark bedroom all alone
while she held her childhood teddy bear
close to her chest

tell her that it's all in her head
and that she is overreacting
when she is starting to break down
and tell her to stop when she starts
having problems getting air into her lungs

tell her you'll call her,
but instead go out and party all night
and make out with random strangers
who you find attractive in your drunken haze

what's so great about having this
head full of ideas
and heart full of readiness,

what's so great about having this
ignorant notion of love
pulling you down everyday?

when will he come back?
will someone ever be able to take away the pain?

what's so great about having my heart
when i have no one?
i have no one to share it with.

what's so great about life?
i have no one to share it with.
no one to laugh with

the days are a blur
i've started wearing watches to remember the date
because it's hard to remember
the days keep changing
when they all feel exactly the same.

you're in my thoughts
you never leave my brain,

i tried to cut you out
but nothing but blood
goes down the drain.

i have learned that people can say
"i love you" without meaning it
and that you can now break pinky promises,

i've learned that people don't see you in a big city,
they only see themselves
and the flashy machines.

i've learned that driving into a ditch takes more courage
than i've ever thought
and that if i ever did
people would care more about the jeep
than me

i've learned that people are temporary
just like their feelings
and that mine
are a lot less.

i've learned my worth this year,
i don't know if i'll ever amount to much more
because who cares about a walking disorder
with so much on her plate,
i wonder if she has ate?

please don't stroke my back
i might fall in love again
your touch pulls me in

and i'll take another pill
just so i can forget that
you lied,
you are the worst and best person
in my sad world,
you are the worst actor i have met
in my life.

and after i turn off the lights
my demons receive their queue,
they will crawl out from under my bed,
to me it's not anything new.

they crawl up on my bed
and snuggle real close,
some whisper in my ear
the others get into my head.

they sink through my skin,
take over my veins,
they infect the blood
that pumps to my brain

every night without you
feels exactly the same,
i've been so numb and cold
every since you let me walk away.

To my younger, more innocent self:

Your childhood days will fly by, they'll slip through your fingers.
When you are older, you will look back and miss them more and more as your world grows colder with each passing day.
The people you have now will not remain your life, some will depart by choice, and some will die in shocking tragedies.  
Hug grandma every chance you get, help her garden and kiss her goodnight. When she’s gone, you’ll wish you had.
Don't cry when Andre spanks you, you deserve it every single time despite the fact that you think that you do not.
Recognize that his healthy days are extremely rare moments that you need to cherish every single second of.
Also, hug him more, because when he dies you will stay up for countless hours every night trying to remember how it felt to enfold your arms around him and squeeze.
Hold his hand while he lies dazed in the hospital bed; tell him that you love him every single day. Also, kiss his forehead even if he is unconscious
Never forget his laugh, you will spend hours a day wishing you still remembered it.
The sun you see now shines so bright and your smile is still so wide and genuine, remember how those two things feel.
You will grow to hate yourself; you will no longer love your smile or your frizzy curls, you will do everything to conceal both.
The picket fence painted on your bedroom walls will be painted over one day, the butterflies you painted will be as well.
Dakota will grow up, her puppy days far behind her. She won't cuddle with you anymore; she will push you away and hit you in the face with her tail as she walks away from you. Maybe you should train her..
When you get older, mommy won't let you sleep with her if you have a nightmare; she will tell you to drink some water and dismiss you to your room.
Play dolls with Olivia more; she will not want to play with them anymore when she reaches age 12.

Never forget the nights you spend running around wild in the back yard as the sun sets, those will be some of the best days of your life.
Stop wanting so desperately to grow up, I promise that it is not all you think it will be, it is actually the complete opposite.

This letter was not written to scare you, it was written to help you realize that childhood is something to cherish and enjoy, not to waste. I’ll see you in the mirror in a few years. Be good to yourself.

winter /ˈwintər/
noun:

new cuts and long sleeves

wake up
it's cold.

get up,
pick out your clothes.

pour some tequila,
learn to cope.

brush your hair,
watch half of it
fall to the floor.

unknown pain in your head,
lay back down in your bed.

7:04,
pack your lunch.

7:09
mom's in a rush

7:26
start to mentally prepare for another day

8:23
sit down at your desk,
becoming invisible,
unseen by the rest.

12:32
chew your food,
keep it down
no throwing up allowed.

3:46,
hurry or you'll be late
for another appointment,
tell them that you're okay
and they will send you on your way.

6:04,
feeling hopeless again,
crying in the shower.

6:05,
"i will die alone, and arrive knowing no one."

the wind blew hard
and chilled me down to the bone.

the wind blew hard
and i swear i heard you cry,
why'd you leave me so soon?

why'd you have to die?

6 years old
tiny feet on the cold kitchen tile,
her mother pointed to the cookie jar,
"don't."

8 years old
socks on the wood,
she started to spin happily,
her mother huffed loudly
"don't."

10 years old
flip flops on the sidewalk,
a man walking his dog
on a sunny afternoon,
she reached her hand out,
her mother slapped it
and angrily whispered to her
"don't."

13 years old
feet off the ground,
her father was mad
no sign of love in his dark eyes,
her mother sat watching
but she didn't say
"don't."

15 years old
tennis shoes on the wood,
she sat in the guidance counselors office
uncomfortable and shy,
he asked her
"how? how'd you get that black eye?"
she sat silent
her mom's
"don't"
echoing in her mind.

17 years old
heels on the edge,
no one's voice echoing
"don't"
in her head.

17 years old
she flew straight down,
an angel with no voice

when asked "what is cold?"
most respond with
ice
or the snow,
winter
or the fall wind
when it blows.

but the winter never compared to
how cold she felt inside,
trapped inside a prison
which was called
her mind.

I don't feel,
I'm not alive.

I don't talk,
I'm not alive.

I don't eat,
I'm not alive.

I slice open my wrist,
I'm not alive.

I want to die because
I'm not alive.

i feel weak,
drained,
but i haven't done anything all day,
i've slept for half of the week.

trying to keep my eyes open,
you're sleeping the summer away,
get up out of bed,
go outside and play.

I keep your picture under my pillow,
my therapist says that it is unhealthy
for me to do so.

She doesn't know,
none of them do,
I never knew you could feel a color
until I turned a dark shade of blue.

He blew a bubble,
it drifted away,
I could've watched that bubble
all day.

The bubble reminded me of you,
a spectrum of colors,
so beautiful and swirled,
pink
green
blue

It was beautiful,
a splash of color in my dull world,
a wonder filled joy
floating in front of my eyes

the unexplainable happiness
shattered into pieces
when the bubble popped,
so unexpected,
why'd it have to go?

So beautiful just like you,
it left without warning,
no final goodbye,
it just disappeared.

I hope one day I will be able to understand
why
but until then,
I'll just keep blowing bubbles
toward the sky

it's just me,
I've been wondering
where you've been,
I hope one day
I will be able
to see you again.

it's just me,
I think about you so much,
I miss you more everyday
and I can't seem to forget
how cold you were to the touch.

it's just me,
how am I?
I hate life without you,
and I want to die.

it's just me,
it's been three years
but it's so hard to move on,
it is hard not having you here

your absence is so loud,
a silent screaming in my ear,
I see you in my dreams sometimes
but wake up
and you disappear.

it's just me,
sometimes i sit in your truck,
I hope you don't mind
because I do it all the time

it's just me,
I hope you're proud of me.

i find the right key
and unlock the front door.
i am greeted by the silence
that was filled by you a few years before.

i sit on the edge of the sofa
the one you used to sleep on.
i close my eyes;
i see you there again.

coughing and painful cries
echo in my ears.
you reach for the machine
which once helps you breathe.

i open my eyes,
and you disappear.
the silence is depressing.

i wish you were still here.