How gut wrenching it is
To know
How many sunsets I missed
Because I was angry
How many sunrises I missed
Because I was sad
And all the clouds in between
Because I didn’t care

Water’s scorching
Caressing my spine
Wounding me, a thousand hornet stings
Do not flinch
Only move closer
Temperature rises
Embracing the pain
This is how it remains hidden
Out of sight
-my secret to keep

it starts off small
the noise does

the longer I stare
the louder it gets

the hungrier i become
the less I want to eat

i’m worried all the time
like if I start, I can’t stop

if I don’t, then I won’t have to

-it controls my life
and now I’m scared

when I have to
it’s very little

hardly any, to none at all
the trick is always staying busy

the busier I am
the quieter the noise

which eventually fades
in to nothing at all

-the hardest habit to break
is the easiest ritual to follow

one line at a time
more addicting than coke
-i deserve this
this is my punishment
-for my cruelty
my self inflicted pain
scheduled payment
‘tis my debt
owed to karma
she’s more relentless
than a mortgage broker
she knocks three times
-at no specific time
always unannounced
makes herself at home
-so much so
that I feel like a stranger
to my own homestead
-lifelong debt

my skin burns like dry ice
being branded by the history
-of every mistake I’ve ever made
“when does it end?”
“where does it stop?”
if it’s forever
hang it around me like a noose
put me out of my agony
-this suffocation is unbearable.

stiff as a board on a dock
skin burning like ice
tears flowing as heavy as rain
begging and pleading
how can there be a God
when I suffer in silence so loud
-it shakes the peace out of heaven

the feeling of disgust
covers my body like a sweltering sheet
I scrub my skin raw
until it bleeds profusely
I relive it in my nightmares
other times, flashbacks
-I can’t help but feel I deserve it

I feel so unworthy
it would have been easier
if he had just killed me
compared to having to live
-just to die every time I wake up

i am nothing
short of a rage room
for those who cannot
cope and heal
they come
they release
-they leave