its 11 at night
its not even that late and yet
i'm feeling like i do at those early hours of the morning
when everything is going wrong and everything is my fault
that feeling that i get
when all the ******* kicks in
and even though i know that it's wrong
i feel worthless
and i want to just disappear
because then i wouldnt make any more mistakes
and everyone else could just move happily on their way
because there's no more of the boy trying to fix things and act all big and powerful
and ending up hurting people
there's a small amount of peace in their lives
knowing that im not a problem anymore
and i know that this is false
i know that people like me, i know that i help people
but this isnt a thing that is so easily shaken
unlike my body that's shaking all over
and im just sitting here, trying to get over these feelings and get to sleep
because these feelings have stopped decent sleep for the past 3 nights
and have caused multiple problems during the day
******* its only 11 at night
and i need sleep

Maybe I'm bitter towards anyone in love because I've never felt those feelings. I've never looked at somebody and wanted to spend the rest of my life with them. I've never met someone and knew that they were who I wanted to wake up to every morning. I've never had a boy talk to me and feel waves crash over me. I've never felt that the arms I was being held were the arms that I want around me every chance I get. I've never felt the type of connection with somebody that people "in love" feel. Maybe that's why I don't believe in love. And I think it's foolish. Maybe I'll understand one day.

I fell in love with idea of you
There wasn't much to actually love.
But in my head I had a perfect scene.
I made your heart skip beats and
You'd tell me you see a whole galaxy in my eyes.
You chased me down the street and
Told me the only beauty you wish to see was me.

But outside my head
I didn't make your heart skips beats
and you didn't see stars in my eyes.
And you never chased me down when I ran
to tell me that the only beauty you wish to see was me.

But in my head you did
And I wish I could keep it there.
But it's wrong to.

Don't tell me you know how I feel. You don't know a **** bit of how I feel. You don't know how I feel until you're sitting on the bathroom floor unable to breathe trying to talk yourself off the edge. Until you feel the easy way out is the only way to go, you don't know how I feel. Staring down the razor in hope somebody will walk in and save you before the razor tries to save you selfishly. Holding the bottle trying to convince yourself that what's inside may be help for something, it won't help you and your problems. Until you stare in the mirror and see a different reflection other than yourself. Until the reflection in the mirror is a demon and you want to get out but you can't. You don't know how I feel so please don't try to understand.

I feel like I have strayed in a giant crowd and can't find my way back to where I was. I am being bumped around to new places with new faces and I just want to go home. My heart is racing and nothing feels familiar. Just the fact that I've been to this place before and it's not a place I would wish upon anybody else.

You say you never miss anything that you leave behind. But I never knew that I would be one of them. You never noticed the times you would accidentally leave an item of yours in my house. How do you not notice you left a person behind? Turning around do you not realize that the one girl who cared about you is no longer there? But maybe I am the sock you left in the dryer without realizing it. And maybe you will realize you are missing the other half (of you) and go back and check the place where you last had it. I guarantee you will find it. Right where you left me. Standing in the breezy March night on the curb when you told me you would come back. Just like the sock waiting in the dryer hoping you will want the right match.