if i could sum up all the parts,
all the scenes that happened,
and the role i played in your life,
i don't think i would it would amount
to anything at all.
i would still come up short,
or perhaps,
it would still feel like it was all for nothing,
because it was a all a lie,
an illusion.
the only thing that was real was what i felt.
but you couldn't need it.
so when you looked around,
asking if anyone out there loved you,
begged for someone to care about you,
you couldnt see me,
you only saw her,
from far away,
and what you wanted from her.
all while i held you closely.

i didn't really quantify to anything,
did i?
i was just a tool,
an object,
a ship that passed by,
eventually harboring affections for you,
a bridge to help you cross the stream of your tears.

somewhere along the way,
you realized,
you liked drowning.
the lines everywhere blurred.
you liked where the tears were coming from,
never mind the sturdiness
and stability i offered,
you still wanted to drown.
you didn't take my hand,
and you don't want to be saved.


not by me anyway.

As we grow, we come to realize,
there is no wrong time.
The people we meet are those that come
based on the choices we make in our life
and the people we come to love
and receive love from
happen to have the same circumstance revolving around them.

Timing is always our excuse.
That’s always been my excuse.
For the longest time,
I believed I had everything but the timing.
Timing was always off,
until one day,
I woke up and realized it was I,
that ultimately sabotaged everything.
It wasn’t time that ******* us up,
it was me,
and in that moment I realized,
time will never be an illusion to me again.
I will never use time to barricade myself
and fortify my pride and my guilt.

There is no wrong time --
wrong choices, yes but never the wrong time
for anything, or everything to happen.

I try to get mad but she still has my heart.
I can’t cast fire onto it.
Though I’ve burned the bridges between us,
I still wade to get to her.
I still drown in my attempts to get to her.

And though she watches from the shore
and eventually walks away,
the view was enough for me to stay.

you weren't satisfied with my smile,
and the way i liked to laugh and grin
at every little thing you do,
so you took it with you.

you weren't satisfied with my eyes,
the ones that always found a way to stare into your face,
and most importantly to your own brown eyes,
so you took my gaze with you as well.

you weren't satisfied with my kisses,
the ones that were always hungry,
but needed spaces in between,
so i can kiss you in places you didn't need,
so you took that to hell with you as well.

you weren't satisfied with my words,
the ones that assured you that i will be here
no matter the cost,
no matter the pain,
because you didn't really hear it.
its not from who you need it.
so you threw that away, and didn't really take it with you.

you weren't satisfied with my actions,
the ones that screamed of love
and defied all rules and enclosures.
everything i did,
it was not for me to be loved back,
but for you to feel that someone out there cared.
you took all that anyway,
and decided it was time to leave, halfway.

little dark girl with
kind eyes
when it comes time to
use the knife
I won't flinch and
i won't blame
you,
as I drive along the shore alone
as the palms wave,
the ugly heavy palms,
as the living does not arrive
as the dead do not leave,
i won't blame you,
instead
i will remember the kisses
our lips raw with love
and how you gave me
everything you had
and how I
offered you what was left of
me,
and I will remember your small room
the feel of you
the light in the window
your records
your books
our morning coffee
our noons our nights
our bodies spilled together
sleeping
the tiny flowing currents
immediate and forever
your leg my leg
your arm my arm
your smile and the warmth
of you
who made me laugh
again.
little dark girl with kind eyes
you have no
knife. the knife is
mine and i won't use it
yet.

what do i call you?
you were between a lover and a friend.
you called me a potential
and it was foolish of me to think,
it amounted to anything.
maybe that is the exact moment where everything convoluted.
everything got twisted in my mind,
and i believed, dangerously,
for more than a split second,
you wanted to be mine.