These past few weeks, I've been trying to figure out
What exactly am I apologetic for?
Was it because I lost you?
or was it because I lost myself in you?

I am sorry I could not be the light in your darkness.
I am truly sorry.

I will not be sorry for anything more, for you.

she is so lucky to have had you,
and to still have you
the you before you were hurt,
the you that
loved
and
trusted like nobody's business.
will you trust me too?
or will you believe me to be a fool?

there are so many questions that i need answers to.
questions that i cannot ask you,
nor anyone but myself.
why do you shed tears?
you let out more than a sob that night as i stayed by your side
when she acknowledged how beautiful you loved her.
you, a wonderful being when loved and when you love.
why must you suffer?
you let out another wail, and i wished i could take away the pain.
i wished, with all my might that you will believe me as i whispered,
"you'll be okay, it's okay"
tell me, did you believe it?
i meant it, dearly.

...and I like you anyway.
What is it about you that attracts me anyway?
I try to dissect it,
to cross-examine my attraction towards you.

You --
you are the exact definition
of what a dangerous path in love looks like --
complicated,
unsure,
relentless,
a storm and I want it.
I want to walk in it.
I want to feel the catastrophe you will bring,
the agony I might suffer,
the pain, you might inflict.
I'd like to be weathered by it all.

There's no stopping me now,
I'm driving with full acceleration,
hurtling towards you.
You are unaware of it all,
and though you may never find out,
just how much I'd like to get to know you.
I'm hoping.
Just, hoping you'll somehow see me through.

"where is your happy place?"
you asked,
and from then on i knew,
i was going to war
your mind functions like no other,
for the first time,
i find myself challenged.
"who are you?" my mind bellows,
I knew I wanted to know you,
I knew it in me,
that I will lose all my rationality again,
my mind will be blank,
a canvas to be filled with whatever art
your mind,
your thoughts has to offer.

O my Luve’s like a red, red rose
That’s newly sprung in June;
O my Luve’s like the melodie
That’s sweetly played in tune.

As fair art thou, my bonnie lass,
So deep in luve am I;
And I will luve thee still, my dear,
Till a’ the seas gang dry:

Till a’ the seas gang dry, my dear,
And the rocks melt wi’ the sun;
I will luve thee still, my dear,
While the sands o’ life shall run.

And fare thee weel, my only Luve,
And fare thee weel awhile!
And I will come again, my Luve,
Tho’ it ware ten thousand mile.

11 p.m. shaky
"Please tell me what went wrong," I asked.
I never thought I'd get overlooked again.
Even when I've given my best, I still come second.
Truly it is hard to compete with desires and memories.
I laughed with tears, and then those tears turned to real sadness.
I've been let down before.
So why does it still hurt me as first love would?
Why does it hurt so much more than just the sting of a bee?

12 a.m. endure
"I can't keep doing this to you," you said.
I thought, "No!" almost immediately. "How dare you turn weak on me?"
What have I not done to be unable to deserve you, to keep you?
How is it possible for me to lose someone even when I've done everything I could to keep her?
How can I lose you over your interest in making me stop enduring?

1 a.m. nowhere
Silence.
You said almost nothing.
The sounds came mostly from tears escaping your eyes and me forming words, begging you to please stay.
I almost lost you there.
I remember it hurting so much.
I had to punch the wall next to me.
I wanted to wake up from this horrible nightmare.
Would you have given up on our next fight had I not brought this one up?
What would my feelings bring this time?
Shall I hide for good?

2 a.m. confession
"I did things and I don't know why."
I had to cover my mouth with pillows so you wouldn't hear me at my worst weep for pain.
The worst part was, deep down, I knew.
I felt it.
I felt your best-kept secrets before you even confessed to me.
I wanted to shout but who would listen to me?
I knew that I just had to keep trusting even if you have shot me a million times.
Truth is, I'd rather be hurting than be happy without you.
That's not happiness. Not to me anyway.
I don't even want to hurt you.
I just want you to love me.
Fully.
But I guess that is not meant for me now.

3 a.m. respite
"I love you."
I love you even if you bleed my heart out.
I will see this through.
The question isn't how much I love you but how much you're willing to do to see it through.
The answer to our problem isn't out there but here.
I wish you would realize just how happy I am with you and that these minor roadblocks are here to test your endurance.
How much are you willing to put me through?
The solution is not to give up.
Every day is a new chance and without asking for it, I've given you so many and I'm only asking for a little bit of chance to be loved in return.
Will you still love me even if my heart's in pieces already?
I promise nothing will be missing.
Do I need to hurt you to be unforgettable too?
Does my heart need to be in pieces before you start remembering about my feelings?