Can I really know
Where to direct my steps,
In which direction to go?

I must interact within the orb of sentience
to attain the answers to the questions I do not know
Can't find the answers in the dictionary or
Internet
I got to open up my door
And let life in
I got to invite life to tango with me,
So I can spin, spin, spin
There is no guarantee that I will be successful and win
All I can do is try, tango, spin
Fall, sometimes feel small,
And get back on my feet again.

The only constant
Is change..

So embrace it.

Please please please.

I've been making changes everyday
Since I decided I didn't like the way
I felt and thought
And I only realized today
Seeing myself in the mirror, that I'm different
I speak different now
I smile different now
I think different now
I'm different

It's like, I'm different
But exactly the same
It's hard to describe
It's just I have so much less pain
Before i was stressed and
Hurting
Always disconcerted
But now that's lifted,
I feel loved, light, gifted

This is for all the hopeless, that see no point in
Continuing on in their transient misery
Well, this is my testimony
And I hope you take it to heart
And treasure it as a keepsake,
It serving to remind you and convince you
That your ailing heart
Won't ail forever
Things change, life gets better.

Joy was a dream I once had
My happiness is fake and imbibed,
Well really, contrived
Because no one knows my secrets
And what if they ever slipped?
And everyone saw me,
Naked, like in dreams
In public, my shame unveiled,
Bare
For people to see
But I don’t want them to see
Because what if they hate the real me?

But these things I didn’t overthink when I was a child
But in adulthood we create narratives that represent us falsely to ourselves
Adopting the labels others have assigned to us
Threading them into the fabric of our identity

I wonder, how can I embody joy again?
I’m so **** tired, and scared, and bitter
And I’m worried that everyone will hate me,
Or even worse, nobody even cares
I guess in childhood I had more stability,
Everything didn’t seem so fleeting,
So cold, so dark, so lonely

I guess all I can rely on right now
Is the possibly irrational notion
That things will ultimately work out
That I may not find the light,
But I can learn to create it and sustain it within myself
A reassuring ember of warmth,
Guiding me into reimagining my childhood dream.

This logical brain I've developed
Is calculating and critical
I can't help myself from
Reminiscing of the days
When my experiences were less verbal
And more tactile, visceral and
Magical
I was so easily tantilized with
Life, with
It's abundant beauty never failing to spark
My endless curiosity

I recall
Pressing a conch shell
On my delicate child ear
And listening intently to
The recorded echo of waves
And sometimes i thought I heard the calls
Of seagulls within the interior of
The shell
And I wondered if it was even possible
For the shell not to only have the sound of the waves imprinted within it
But the sounds of the animals that dwelled within and without as well

I used to be really spellbound by the concept of God and Jesus
And mother used to tell me that they both live in my heart,
And I was completely flabbergasted,
Because not only did they live in my heart,
But she told me they lived in everyone's heart
And I imagined a young bearded man
With long brown hair
Clothed in a robe and a purple sash
Just chilling in the interior of my heart,
Like he'd made a home out of my heart

Now, I'm not completely sure
How I feel about faith and God
Because there are so many options
I find myself asking:
Are they all true?
Can it be possible that only one religious path is the right way, and the rest are wrong?
Yet I feel like the more I seek,
Though my rational brain cannot
Come up with an explanation
The more I actually feel
Sought out and
Comforted by a God
That I yearn to know more about

Just the other day
A metaphysical ball of misery
Was lifted out of the pit of my stomach
When I cried out to God
Running through dense woods
Like out of a movie,
Only me and God
Me trying to run away,
Like always,
Because the pain of this world
Is too sharp
Sobbing,
Yet,
God is redeeming me.

Blowing bubbles through the straw
Of my chocolate milk
The bubbles are growing
bigger Bigger BIGGER
Spilling over now
From the rim
My parents are saying to stop it now
Stop it now
But I'm hypnotized now
Laughing through my nose
Bubbles bubbles bubbles!
Spilling over onto the checkered diner table
And the waitress just past by
While rolling her eyes
And my parents said "sorry sorry"
And they try to pull the straw from my mouth
But I bite their fingers and now my bubbles are mixed with blood
Streaming down the table
Onto the floor
A river of chocolate milk with some blood
Is formed
I go for a dive
And never resurface
Because in my imagination
I forget everything that is hurting.

I remember being a child, going to the circus,
With my little sister and my mother
We rode a yellow taxi into Manhattan
My mother tried to get me to walk up to the elephant
But I adamantly refused, which I later regretted

I was spellbound by the tigers
And told my mother that I was going to train tigers and lions in the circus to jump through hoops when I grow up,
Just one of the many careers I considered in my early life

And what a surprise,
To grow up and incur so many wounds
I never saw my family's dysfunction when I was younger,
I was probably one of the happiest kids ever,
But aren't most kids blissful? Because they don't know
They don't yet fully comprehend the perverse world they have been born into

What a surprise to have my dreams ripped so stealthily from me
To see this jubilant child transformed into a gasping fish on the floor,
Gasping for it's life,
To no avail,
As passerby become bystanders
Looking indifferently at the suffering,
Not being able to feel
Refusing to help

I remember being in my hometown,
Third grade,
Standing at the bus stop with my mother and my younger sister
The sun was setting, dusk
A tattered, leathery old man
Who was extremely drunk,
Tried desperately to get across a wide and busy street
I anxiously looked up to my mother
And begged her to help him, or let me help him
She refused, a scowl on her face,
She excused herself just like everyone else around her,
Like all the people in cars that almost hit him
As he was helplessly on his knees
Fists deep in hot rubble
A drunken daze of anguish on his face,
Paralyzed in this position
And I cried
Letting out little screams
Everytime this poor man
Fell on the ground in front of a car
And I thought I was going to witness the end
Of this helpless man

Another time
I was in Las Vegas
With my pregnant mother, and my sister and my grandparents and my mother's soon to be husband
We took a plane to Las Vegas, I was eight
Because my mother was going to marry my stepfather there, a shot gun wedding,
But something went wrong, and they didn't get married in Las Vegas, but ended up getting married back at home
One night in Las Vegas,
Me and my family were sitting outside in the evening, at a strip mall
I think we were waiting for someone to pick us up,
The only other person there was an overweight man sitting on a bench by himself a few yards away from where my family was sitting
I was walking around, exploring my surroundings,
When I noticed this man sitting by himself
I thought that he looked lonely,
So I sat next to him and started talking to him, asking him how he was,
My mom saw me and yelled at me,
Pulling me away and reprimanding me for talking to strangers
I didn't understand why she couldn't see that I was just trying to be kind to a man that appeared to be lonely

I remember another time,
In 12th grade, I went to a concert with my boyfriend back then,
I was high on a hallucinogenic
It was a Nero concert in Manhattan
I went to the bathroom, waited on a long line,
When I finally got in I saw that there was a side room in the bathroom with plether couches covered in endless puke
A woman who looked a lot older than the majority of people at the concert,
Probably in her 30s
Fell on the floor and hit her skull so hard I heard it hit the ground
While the girls in front of me, white girls who were probably sorority girls, pointed their fingers at her, laughing to themselves
Took out a digital camera and started to record her
I got off the line to the bathroom to help her up,
Of course, right when I did this, those girls came to their senses and got in touch with their rarely used empathy
I took her to the room with puke covered couches to tend to this tall, sad woman
I asked her what she was on,
Shrooms
And probably tons of liquor
I asked her if she was okay, how did she feel?
I walked out of the bathroom with her,
Where my boyfriend was waiting for me
Next to him was this blonde ****
She walked to him
I asked him who the hell he was
He was so smug it made me sick
He looked way too young to be with her,
But this woman reassured me that she was with him
My boyfriend discouraged me from starting a fight with this smug loser
I just wanted to punch all of the haughtiness out of him
But all I could do was I look sadly on
As I saw this strange tall woman,
Too inebriated to stand
Walked away with this evil hearted man

The whole world is a circus
We're told to spend all our money on college,
That that will make us good humans
We judge people by so much criteria that isn't even important
We waste all our money on college degrees and then end up working minimum wage jobs anyway
We overlook the poor and suffering,
Because it doesn't advance us in our self progression in any way
We are such a ******* self centered nation,
It makes me ******* sick,
We're so disrespectful, unempathetic, uncaring, unloving, cruel
We don't have God
We rely only on ourselves
God is love
But who are we, without God?
Savage, cruel, hungry souls
Ready to devour any helpless soul that appears to be weaker than us
So we can pummel them
And destroy them,
In an attempt to steal the little life they have left in them to revive our hearts of coal
This is the world I live in,
I'm not going to try to pretend cruelty isn't real and prevalent
I am in this world, but not from it
And oneday I will go home,
To Love, to God,
Away from all this craziness of the world that brings pulls at my heart and brings tears to my eyes.

I don’t know anything
That’s all I can think
I don’t know anything
I don’t know how to feel
This sadness turns into numbness
So that I can’t feel

I do care
There’s no doubt
I care so much
It wears me out
And I try to explain
Explain
Explain
But my explaining doesn’t erase the pain
And it makes me feel dumb
And listless
Repeating the same old stories
Trying to find myself out of the maze

How do I make it clear?
How do you make a person hear you
When their pain skews their perception
Making you into a devil with malicious intentions
And what am I supposed to do
With these shattered dreams
Just let the darkness of this reality
Wash through me
I tried to make it right
Again and again
But maybe I’m just not fit
For loving free from fear

I tried to work it out
But he just won’t hear me
His resentment grows out of control
And its thorny vines consume me
I really care about the guy underneath all the pain
But does he care about me the same way?
I have lots of pain
And he can’t stand it
I understand
I never meant to put it all on him to handle it

Everything just feels so unclear
But I trust I’ll be okay
Knowing that I will always make it through the disarray
I can break free
From fear and confusion
And live a life lead by my heart
Love, love, love
That’s a good place to start.

Come a little closer,
Stand a little taller
Speak a little louder
And come dance with me
Over this lustrous July breeze
You're the soul I wish to squeeze
For every single detail about you
Brings me great ease

This attraction fails to cease
In no way could it ever decrease
I just have to believe
It's for a higher purpose and
A better cause
One I can't quite comprehend currently
I'm just left here daydreaming of you holding me

Is there any way for you to see
That there has to be
A way for things to go along more quickly
What is the specific recipe
For turning dreams into reality?
To have your lips touching mine,
Shooting me out into pure ecstasy

So come a little closer,
Dare to dance with me,
We could do the tango,
Or the fox trot
Maybe some contemporary,
Lets get to the point,
About how we feel
To make these dreams real.

Having dreams of tripping on the road
I'm a beatnik
Convulsing under the constraining wait of conformity
I hiss out like a strangled snake
One that has knotted its own body into limitation
I yearn, cry out to a infinite void
I want so badly
For the warm sun to envelop my body
and for my heart and spirit
to be my sole and only compass

Sometimes,
I have flashbacks
of a girl who paid no mind to rules
And lived life fully
Why did I bury her,
just to survive?

Collect my tears
Steer them towards the residue of my pain,
Those years never to be regained
Blinded by open eyes,
Traumatized
Irrigate those memories,
Wash me free from my mental cemetery

For years I dreamt of you,
Did you dream of me?
I walk through the rain,
Daydreaming of your warm hand in mine
I look out into the distance,
Searching for a love which is profound

I am the ocean,
Swallowed alive
I breathe deeply,
Content,
Mesmorized by you, a boy
Heaven-sent.

I like creating
It's fascinating
Putting pen to paper
Putting paintbrush to canvas
My life is here today and gone tomorrow
And I have a deep need to express it

A silly song corrects all that is wrong
Shaking your hips can give you momentary bliss
Kiss your image in the mirror
And laugh with strangers
Live as much life as you can
And don't hold yourself back

Express yourself
Being who you are is something you will never regret.

You live your vapid lives
Following trends to the grave
If emptiness is vastness then who can save you?
You'll never change your mind
Turn away from nonsensical gibberish
Whatever is in fashion is what you follow
You get drunk on weekends to swallow the pain of the weekdays,
And in that moment before ***** induced slumbering
You wonder what's the point of life
And as quickly as it comes,
It goes
Like a wind touching your cheek
Intervening the warmth of ignorance.

Cascading blue,
swelling into the open spaces
My mind is a muse
A flame, untainted

I dream of you,
You're like the morning fog
So tangible
But you escape my grasp

Kiss me, like sunflowers dying
Don't abandon
What's already forsaken
So stay here, awaken

"**** feelings" I mutter
'Cause it's hard to fathom
Why a woman like me
Would have these imaginings.

Have you ever
Wondered why
Sitting on ground
Under a overwrought sky

Why plays on a loop in my mind

Why are we here?
Why do I exist?
Why do I feel agony when I experience bliss?
Tense, I curl my hands into fists
Lay my comatose body down in barren lot
And allow the inquiries to persist

If I just had some answers
It would cease
Finally, I could be at peace
But everyone has a different take on
The meaning of life

Sometimes
In an attempt to let it all go
In a barren land where nobody goes
I kick off my shoes
And release all the questions,
I let the intense desire to know go
For in that segment of time
I don't need to know
I just need to be
Experience life through my senses
Touch, taste, smell, hear, see
And not through my mind's faulty reasoning.

Scraped knees
Purple jelly beans
Grass so green
On an orb
Spinning through space
I'm looking into the sun
And laughing
About this human race
It's a funny thing
To be a human
Walking this strange and beautiful place
I dream with eyes wide open
And everywhere, I see your face.

I got a shimmering glimpse into eternity
It was so bright I could barely see
Compared to the world I know,
Eternity is a dazzling diamond
Shining brilliantly
While earthly existence
Is a dark coal,
Hard like asphalt,
Unyielding and cruel.

I want to hook myself into
a wire of sorts
So I can plug into
the Eternal
Whenever I want,
Which of course,
is always.

Early mornings start dark
and quiet, and still
My side of the earth has not yet awoken,
the birds and the crickets are not heard
I feel as if I can be myself
while my neighborhood is rubbing there swollen eyes,
there eyes averted, not on me

sometimes, during the day
When people are awake
I feel like my words echoe
and hit walls
but never quite make it
to the ears of the hearts
who I want to hear
It always feels unclear
Radio static

In the darkness I feel my brightest.
In the darkness I feel my freest.
In the darkness I feel my wildest.

Physical darkness doesn't scare me
Emotional darkness does
A lack of introspection
A refusal to take inventory of yourself
and clean up "your side of the street,"
To get your **** together,
to heal your pain

So don't cast your darkness on me
When all I'm seeking is to shine forth through my broken pieces.

It's dawn now, it's the dawn of my life, of my soul
But for so long it had been night,
It had been agonizing, hollow darkness
Echoing like a gong
Pitted deep within an abyss
Despair seemed like forever a concept
Taking root in my heart
and deeming me inconsolable;
My eyes started to turn grey.

One day I laid my life on a line,
To hang, to dry
I climbed up on my roof
And howled out to the moon
I was dry and hurt and haunted
But I hadn't given up
There was a spark,
even though faint,
still flickering in the base
of my being
I didn't give up,
Something told me, taught me
Never give up
No matter how you feel,
or how hopeless something seems
Just promise me, that
you'll never give up.

Lightning came down on me with
a crashing loud noise
It shook me up,
shook me up from this nightmare
I experienced most of my life
I believed that nightmare, I believed
that lie
I choose to be miserable,
But when that realization like lightning hit me,
I started to choose to be joyful
I still experience emotions I wish I didn't feel,
But I'm better off
Testing my limits
through both good and bad times
This is not a perfect life
But at least I'm living, and not merely alive.

Dear Me,

This path you have decided to take
isn't going to be easy
I know you feel as if
You didn't have a say in choosing this path
But this is exactly what you signed up for
Before you incarnated

But I will be here for you
When your world of illusions
Come crashing to the ground
Again and again
You build and cling to
New worlds of illusions
When your old ones have crumbled
What if you stopped frantically building,
And started trusting
That this process of unbecoming
Is precisely what you need,
What you you came here for

Though your path will be painful,
It will also be full of joy
Moments of beauty you would never experience
If you were burdened by an Ego
steering your life
This is why you must detangle yourself
From all the false notions
You have attached to yourself,
And heal

Because I want you to
Dance in the rain and
Cry in the sun
And be fully present through it all,
Embracing your bittersweet humanity
Opening yourself to being
A beacon of light.

Dear Me,
I love you dearly
Things will change drastically
from this point forward,
But I don't want you to be scared
I'll hold you in my arms
Through it all,
You're braver than you know,
You're heart is going to grow
So big and wide,
But you can no longer hide
You will get to know intimately
The most blissful ecstasy
and the darkest nights
But I will always be here to guide you,
And whisper:
"Everything will be alright,
You will survive through this,
And not just survive but grow
So don't fear losing people and things
Only fear that you would ever deny your call
To Love on this planet earth."

Love,
You

Do you think of me
the way I think of you?

I tried to forget you,
I really did
But God keeps hitting me with
Two by fours

There is no escaping you,
So what do you say?
Do you want me to stay?

Time and words within that time
And feelings
And cutting away everything that doesn't matter anymore
Trying my best to stay present and tuned in
But always succumbing to my daydreams
Vivid daydreams
Bold pictures and fantasies of what was and what could be

Tears, hot cold tears
Hitting my cheeks hard
But my heart can barely feel the pain
Of the rain draining from my eyes
I sit numb for hours, days, weeks
As people speak to me about their mediocrity
Nagging off my ear with all their trivialities
I nod, un-amused, slowly rotting away
Looking past them into the dimension of my unmet dreams,
The only place I like to be

Decipher, feel, try to become "real"
Disconnected and bored
Reaching for meaning but I always end up empty handed
Reaching too much, reaching too far...
When was the last time I was happy? Purely happy without an agenda?
Childhood.
Adulthood has corrupted me and everyone else around me
Peter Pan, let me be your Wendy.

I walk barefoot
Down the wooden trail
Golden sunlight peeks through the canopy of trees
Making my skin pearlescent green

Birds above me,
Chattering and clattering
Bold blues, striking reds, electric yellows
Flit through the sky
A woodpecker up above,
Drumming against a tree
I soak in every delicious detail
of sight and sound
Enveloping me

The forest calls me deeper,
And into it I must go
I know I will lose what I have now
But I'm willing to lose it all
In order to grow
I don't care so much about external decorations anymore,
Flowers for my stem
I need deep roots more than I need flowers right now,
But I'll have both in the end

I'll jump down the rabbit hole,
Get lost in the splendor
Of a lifetime adventure
Release all illusions of control,
Free falling, arms wide open--
Deeper I shall go.

I am deserving
And I don't need to produce reasons
For why I am
I just am,
And I know it,
I'm convinced of it,
And nothing is gonna put out
This fierce fire
Of my new found self love.

difficult, melancholy, putrid
rotting, decaying in your attic of secrets
you don't have to die here
see, the sun is finally peaking through
through blue green leaves
are you blind to the beauty surrounding you?
hold on,
let me shock you back to life,
count with me,
1, 2, 3
no, don't go toward the light
hold on with that breath,
there you go,
now exhale,
okay, woah
that was close
your tears are clouding your vision
all you can see is night
i beg you to see day,
please see day
see the beauty of life,
but you refuse,
and you tuck your heart away
under a cloak of unfeeling
it's the only way you know how to cope
with this brutiful experience of living.

(brutiful-- brutal and beautiful)

Smiling masks dipped in gold
They slather glitter on their bodies so gross
They make idols of themselves
Having people bow down to
Their false identity
They're humans,
But everything on them is plastered
Everything for them is about
Efficiency, getting what they want faster
I guess you can say
That once what they really desired was love
But they realized love is one mess of a drug
So they constructed and hid behind
a mechanical identity
So all of humanity
Could worship the feigned perfection
of the false idols
That they wished to be.

I like diversity
Like braided wildflowers hung upon wrought iron fences
I like to see all different faces of different complexions,
Different body shapes and sizes
I love bodies soft and hard,
Lean, curvy, short, and tall
I like straight teeth, crooked teeth, no teeth
I love women who walk this earth like they own it
I love men who express themselves in ways that oppose their gender's roles
I like people who like to love
In a non-romantic kind a way
No striving after what you think you want
Just being so in love with life
With everything and everyone
I invite all races, cultures, ****** orientations, genders, political parties, and spiritual beliefs at my table
I invite everyone
Everyone who is willing to come to the table
With a heart ready to stop polarizing
And start healing with love.

viridescent vines
cloud my view
of the horizon awaiting me

i'm making my way through
a victorian garden
the fragrance of the many flowers
puts me under a spell

i fall down a winding spiral
and plummet deep in to my heart
it is dark,
within each beat silence reverberates

i'm drinking rosehip tea
it's so pink
rose petals float on top
steam rises to kiss my lips

should i continue to repeat the same mistake?
or take the road less travelled by my heart?
i'll have to venture beyond my habitual vices
i'll have to step out beyond the known

stick my thumb out into the galaxy
catch a ride to my next divine destination
i'll laugh every step of the way
and be okay with the oblivion that saturates my mind
i'll learn to live through my heart,
whole and complete,
spreading love.

i held the snow globe
in my little hands
i shook and shook and shook it
the fake snow
spun in all directions

i hold my breathe in accidentally
my shoulders are ******* tense
why am i unconsciously agreeing
to be people's doormats?

but there's a root in me
growing into a tree
and i'm growing stronger you see
today i solemnly proclaim
YOU WILL NOT WALK ALL OVER ME.

Do you ever hide away at home
Because daily living has a heavy toll
You see potential pain in every moment,
Every face,
In every pause and every lag
You are overcome by lurking sadness
It screams that you will never be
Who you dream to be
You pass the bridge and look down
You push aside the thoughts of pain,
For jumping off is what you refrain from
You have a plastered smile to keep you sane
But really, all it does is make you seem inane

I look into a twisted mirror,
I see the face of a contorted figure
I ask: "Who are you?"
But no answer is delivered
I'm just a mind plagued with the residue of trauma
Debilitating memories that make me shake and want to huddle in a ball
Tear the whole world apart with my ****** claws
Scream and create nonsensical havoc
Because I can't seem to compensate
For all the confusion that swims below in my subconscious
I need someone to hold me,
But I convince myself,
No one could love me and my demons
I have a reasoning mind but my heart is disconnected
If you knew my story you'd understand why my internal world is so hectic
And yet my lips are sealed
For I try to conceal
And perfect and attain
The life of my ideals
But on days like today
I feel so far away from joy
I sit, deformed, shaking on the floor
Not understanding anymore
Not understanding anymore.

My heart had become unplugged
For once I loved and loved and loved
But my love was taken for granted
Smashed on the floor and broken, ravaged
I sit here, dumb-founded and crying
Looking through the reel of memories in my mind
Trying to figure out at what point it all went wrong
But my life has been a series of painful experiences
Escapism was my way to quell the incessant shame
But an unplugged heart knows not how to receive
The relief and release of unconditional love
It's there for my taking
Delivered by Jesus
If I would just stretch out my hand and accept it,
I could live in His love, undaunted
I'm a child of God,
And I know this
It's time to plug my heart back in
And own it.

They said all I am is a dreamer,
And that's all I'll ever be
Didn't you see
How much I had loved you?
But you overlooked me,
And now you're mad,
That I overlook you

Am I supposed to make myself blind,
To your every red flag within my sight?
You know I love your eyes
But did you ever realize
That maybe
All I needed
Was for you to work up the nerve to tell me?
I'm not like the other girls,
I need this to be real,
I refuse to settle for
Subpar love
I need something beyond feelings

Because I never sit still,
And I won't stay long
If the heart connection isn't strong
Maybe you see me as weak,
A woman overflowing with a spectrum of emotion,
But I don't attach easily,
I give my devotion rarely,
But when I finally do,
You can expect all of me

So what do you want?
Should we persist in sending ambiguous messages?
Kissing screens
Only dreaming of love,
Or will you grab my hand,
And sweep me off my feet?

A dream dreamt for a millennium
Everyday oozing away as I badgered and prayed
For one splendiferous day
To feel limitless and ecstatic in my cranium.

Suddenly, my dream came to fruition
All this time was worth the anticipation
My brittle bones became strong through elation
My every cell frenetic with love's constitution.

The dream fulfilled
Vanished without warning
Soaking my heart in distrust and mourning
Creating in the center of my mind an emptiness so still.

It feels so real,
His touch, his countenance
The thoughts whirring in my mind,
Profound feelings echoing through my spine
Trying to decipher intentions,
Never understanding because my analyzing mind is relentless
Imbuing meaning where there is none
Writing songs inspired by dreams
But when I awake
I realize, none of it is real

The golden moon hangs against the backdrop of a navy sky
I look up to the stars and whisper endless wishes
I believe in God, but sometimes I wonder if He hears me
Hears the plea of a hungry heart
Seeking God's love to fill this endless void

I sit at my window sill,
And close my eyes
I imagine the sky through my 5 year old self's eyes
Jesus said if we're not like the children, we won't enter the kingdom of heaven
So, now I'm trying my best
To get back to that child like state
I know God can heal all the wounds
That come with growing

Right now my dreams are only real in my sleep,
But soon they will be my reality.

The night is warm with reasons
Beyond this time and season
My tears stream profusely down my reddened cheeks
And even though many words spin through my mind, I can't seem to speak
Because reasons don't seem to make much sense
And honestly, I'm feeling rather dense
I had all these dreams once, you see
But now I have no idea who I am and who I want to be
I've changed so much
Circumstances changed me
Changed my once loving, carefree and joyful heart
Into a miser
Maybe now I'm much wiser
But I'm not kinder
I'm hardened and bruised
Seeking and failing to find beauty
And I'm not sure
If searching for reasons to dream
Will be useless
Should I pursue a better way?
Or lay my dreams down in a grave?

the dancers
dance in unison
the sun is their pinnacle
they reach for it,
with arms outstretched
towards a sky painted magnificent hues
of orangey blues and bold violets

my mind follows them
dreams of them
my heart yearns for them
I see the dancers in my mind
they're siphoning my time,
my energy,
all my other desires runs dry
I lay restless in my bed,
as elaborate dancing plays in my mind's eye

I drift off into slumber finally,
when I can no longer fend off sleep
I find myself in a dance studio
twirling wildly
hands raised in reverence
for life itself
I stop abruptly
and step up to the mirror
I make eye contact with myself
time seems to stop
it feels like these moments
of solitude
are when I'm most alive,
most known,
understood,
cherished,
seen.

I walk over to the large window
overlooking the city
storm clouds have formed
people go about their business
down below
they look like little ants
frantically on the go.
I press my cheek to the glass
and close my eyes
what a delight it is,
to find safety within the
interior of my mind.

If you gotta dream, show me
Reveal it to the world
And own it
If you gotta passion,
Disown your inaction
And make a habit of climbing the steep hill of your goals,
Or else dissatisfaction will echo in your soul

Go after your dreams fearlessly,
You've got all the potential you need,
Just find the why for the motivation you lack,
Conjure the reasons why you've laid low and cut yourself slack,
Well, you can't hide behind excuses no more,
Because you're a dazzling star and you're too bright to hide behind confining bars

You think you're a nobody?
Too scared to show your true colors?
Hey, you better get out there on that red carpet and like a peacock flaunt all your magnificent beauty,
And not even for a moment doubt yourself
Or listen to the chickens cluck **** about you on the sidelines
You've got a dream
Stop hiding it under your bed
And make it into your reality
You ain't think life got magic,
But it's full of meaning
Once you awaken from your brain dead anxiety
Because you worry too much of what people think of you
Your heart will come alive, beating with all the colors of the rainbow and the music you love will revive you,
I speak from experience,
Stop letting your fears hold you back,
Because they are just lies
No one is gonna believe in your dream as much as you do,
Not until you accomplish what you dream of, when you get there then they'll believe you
What else have you got to live for
But your dream!
It's your purpose
And it's your responsibility
To make your dream a reality
Not until then will you be able to see
The magic that both surrounds us and lives inside of you and me.

"If you can dream it you can do it."

Don't lose your hope,
Because this is what your life depends on now
When you only have these dreams left to your name
The sun is setting
But your inner flame is growing

Just don't lose your hope
It takes time for your dream,
Like a seed
To grow into a full grown tree

Be patient and see
The fruits of your labor
Will be worth it in the end
When you see how many lives you have touched
By your courageous work.

What are these words for
when emotions like a tsunami
consume me
Why must I feel everything so deeply
so beautifully yet so distressingly
I've always seen the world in magnificent hues
But sometimes the somber blues are pronounced
I walk through the earth
as if the air where a thickened liquid
Stumped by misery
Hurt by the compassionless
and the sickened state of this world

It feels, at times
Like God has let go of my hands
and I fall
so rapidly
to the torrents below
The deluge swallows me
And I'm drowning

All I see is vain ignorance
or intelligent armor
I don't see the people connecting anymore
through wide open hearts
I just see phones snapping and snipping
pieces from our tired, worn out lives
Our hearts are closed and small
Just like the Grinch
living in caves
up and away
from connecting with life
in a way that opens us up to both hardship and bliss

I'm drowning in the sadness of my mind
To rewild my heart I must disconnect,
take some time
Follow the flow of the river that runs below
soak my feet in the salty mud
connect with God, though maybe
God is everything
the feminine, the masculine,
The breeze.

Lungs gasp
Air is all around but it’s not filtering through
Lungs filling with fluid
Drowning on the inside.