Dying to be me
Within this society of conformity

Just want to be free from the shackles
Freed from the cage
Aching for freedom is what I express on this page

Blood drips from my lips
My psyche has suffered a massive tear
Reality is seeping in like unnatural poison
It's keeping me from sleep
because I toss and turn in despair

Trying to make sense of this material world
But it's so unstable
I think I see it with my eyes
But a force like wind
Blows it all away
Like particles losing their tenacity and evaporating
Into space
Maybe that's all we can get out of this life--
An endless, unfulfilling chase

I try to convince myself to stay sane
To be happy and march along with the masses
To be the same
But what is in a name
When the world is in mayhem
And you're expected to just pretend

In empty space
You can erase
Limits are unknown
It's like being in a fish bowl of snow
You become numb because it's cold
And eventually you can't tell the difference between
your body and your soul.

I'm just dying to be me
I'm just dying for humanity's integrity .

Looking through a chain link fence
I press my cheek to the cold metal
and look out to the skyline in the distance

I breathe in deeply

I shut my eyes,
I shut my eyes like all the times before
With a peaceful smile on my face
As I drift back to the recesses of my mind
Where my imagination creates vivid images
That are realer than reality

I travel down to the center of my vermilion heart
And on it I perceive the secret
That is gradually healing me
Emblazoned on my heart are the words
That are replacing the sweet misery that has become me
It says: God is love
And this profound truth is restoring me

Slowly, God is pulling up the twisted roots of my grief
And planting seeds of everlasting love and peace
Many times still my mind is inhospitable,
I try to run from my mind
But it's always catching up to me
Threatening to devour me
But God is like clear blue skies
After a thousand days of rain
Slowly but surely
God is clearing my pain.

Ah, the sky is so grand
Absolutely riveting,
Expansive blue
dancing with the viridescent hills below
I breathe it all in
And hold my breathe
I forget to exhale
And fall
Downward laughing wildly
Into an infinite spiral
Like Alice falling down the rabbit hole

People think your imagination is in your mind
But really it's in your heart
It's all your secret yearnings
tucked quietly away
Until your head hits your pillow
And the images of your dreams come alive

My dreams
Are made of iridescent spheres of pure love
Crystalline energy
Rising through this body made of
Earth and Stars
Love is beckoning me
To open up to my limitless dreams
And drop the pretenses, the learned act
The conformed suffering, the days of slack
I feel God itself beckoning me
To open to this tsunami of love
Let it wreck me, wide open
So love can forever flow through me.

Good or bad,
Everything falls apart
Everything is within the cycle of life—
Being born, growing and dying
There are many rebirths, new growths and mini deaths experienced throughout each persons life

That’s all I can really expect from this life:
That things will change

It will feel like most things have stayed the same
Like this sharp pain in my brain
But really, though the script has stayed relatively the same
The characters have aged,
Their hearts are frayed
My mind is slightly disarrayed

All I can do
Is swallow my pain whole
And surrender it to the great poet in the sky
Maybe she could rewrite the ending
Before I truly die.

Sometimes I ask myself,
What am I doing?
I wake up unintentionally at 4 in the morning
And I finally feel truly alone
It feels so nice to be alone
But that’s when the appraisal of my life starts
All this feeling of— this doesn’t belong
Remember when I used to have that feeling all the time?
All those years of I don’t belong here?
And yet I stayed in those places that felt confining
Until there was no other choice but to leave
And when that time came
Like a blessing from heaven
Grief was welcomed,
In it’s transitory glory
The slowness, the stillness, the savoring
Of saying goodbye
The opening, the excitement, the jubilation
Of starting over again, of being freed from my bonds

Now I feel it happening again
I’m resisting it, like I always do
But life, she’s kinda funny
Sometimes she takes away my ability to choose and makes them for me
Because she knows I like to sleep in
She says ‘rest for now, but I shall wake you up again soon’
And the soon is coming, I can feel it
Like I can feel the coming of change in season
I love summer, I don’t want it to go
But fall is in the air, there’s no turning back
And winter is well on her way
The anticipation of change is swirling through the air
I’m trying to make plans
But I know life will have her way
She knows better than me
She knows I’m scared but also knows I can take it
All she wants to do is expand me
And for that, I’m grateful.

In your eyes
are carefully kept secrets

I can read your heart
through your eyes

And you see it, don't you?
You see me seeing you

I smile
and mask the many emotions that lie behind my eyes

I see and know everything about you

but you don't know me.

Sometimes it's nice to fall
Down slides shooting
Our tired bodies out into space

Do you ever feel the blood drenched words
Of your truth
On your lips?
People furrow their brow
In confused disapproval
As your truth hurtles up your throat
And hits their ears
Like clashing cymbals

You sat there,
On that bench
Listening to my pain voiced
And all you could do
Was look at me
Like a deer in headlights

Do you ever hate it
When people say "Aw"
When you share something deep and
personal with them?
Yeah.

This world is ******,
That's for sure
This is why I keep my eyes on the heavens above.

The sky is a deep dark blue
Fading
The city twinkles in the distance
The water plays with the shore

I am so grateful

I arrive home
I take my dog out for a walk
I stop by my friends house
Where the bible study is held
A few friends remain
We laugh,
We love

I walk home
Beaming
Love pouring through me
Like an endless waterfall
I am full
I am loved
I am so happy.

Red and purple robe
Tied with knots of gold
Glittering on the precipice of winter and spring
Fur boots with heels dancing in the light layer of snow
In an endless field
Where few people go
The sun is setting and the sun is rising
Standing flat on this ground
But always spinning
To your next destination
To whatever that's fitting
The cosmic dance
Has you grinning
You set out on a path
Only to find yourself back at the beginning.

She’s a red, hot energy coursing through me
Awakening in my heart
She’s daring and unruly,
Truly wild, and set apart

She’s a blue flame
Dancing fluidly with the wind
Her blue courses through my veins
And washes through my beating heart

I thought maybe, I had to be different
To have her live in me
But that belief made her enraged,
She absolutely disagreed

But this belief was ingrained in me by the people who make the beauty magazines,
And all the flashy displays of ‘this is what a woman ought to be’
Even the men have picked me apart
Scrutinizing my features as if I’m not a work of divine art

They program us women this way so that we don’t feel good enough,
And when we don’t feel good enough we’re more likely to hand over our money
To be injected into and pumped up
With plumper lips, thicker hips, bigger ****
But when is it ever enough?
We end up like fattened cows stationary, hooked into a milking machine
We lose the meaning to life
Because plastic can’t let life in

I don’t want plastic
I want real
I want Her
To take me over
And bring me to life
I don’t want to compare myself to other girls
And believe the lack of love in my life is because of my ordinary looks
Or because they is something wrong with me
That I’m not feminine enough,
Attractive enough to men, put together enough, smart enough, wifey-material enough
And this is why I’m on my own
But it’s not true
It’s a lie
I am lovable and I am kind
I have a lot to offer
And I’m going to give it all to me
I’m not going to mold myself
Into what I think men want me to be.

Fences make for good neighbors,
Slabs of wood painted bright white
And it’s my world that it holds
I used to believe in an open free for all
Hippies caressing under a sweltering sun in the red mud
I called that love
Telling unsafe people my secrets
And contorting myself to appease the un-appeasable
It didn’t work
Just made me tired really
Maybe it was the way I was raised
But I’m tired of pointing my finger out
Because all I gotta do
Is build a good fence
This is my world, not anyone else’s
I decide what comes into my little paradise.

There's a problem eating at me
I'm attached but I need to unlatch
Because this thing is tearing away at me
And closing up my heart
Causing blindness to worldwide kindness

An Optimist I am
And I fall over and over again
But I haven't lost my legs
I get up and I beg
For God to sustain me
Not to refrain from me

Some things can leave you feeling small
You gave it your all
You expected to grow tall
With love and invincibility
But all you have acquired through this is a sense of invisibility
You ponder: How could I have been so silly
But you know
If you never tried
You'd never know why it's important to live and fight
For life, for your life
For what is right
To live a fulfilling life

When the river is blocked with a pile of rocks
And everything is just clogged
You're not going anywhere
But the certainty of staying is comforting yet delaying
That's when my heart reminds me:
It's time to be praying.

And I break down
I resist
For in this misery I persist
This sickness is so sweet
In it I find a distorted relief
Who ever knew you could find comfort in grief?
My prayer at first is brief
Quick sentences that cut to the chase
Like numbing actions in attempts to erase
But God says: No, no, you've come to me, now I'm going to open your heart even more so
And you feel big and you feel small
But you know that whatever happens, you grow
He breaks you down, he lifts you up
He exposes your mindset, but He never gives up
On you
The unique one
Dazzling and one of a kind
A child of God
You, God's child
Ain't that grand

What a relief
More than relief
You've risen up from grief
Yet again, you can see!
The scales drop from your eyes
And no longer do you roam the streets
Like a beast
Seeking it's lost feast
With an inconsolable appetite
It seeks pleasure all through the night
But nothing would ever completely satisfy
The animal we have inside

When we attempt to tame our inner animal
Many times we fail
We can get disheartened and say: I NEVER PREVAIL!
But turn to God
And he will be the wind in your sails
Propelling you to prosperity and love and care

No matter what, I leave this to God
I've tried too hard and now I have nothing left
I've given too much and I've made myself blind and sick and deaf
Please God, rescue me from these murky deep waters I drown in
Stretch out a finger and pull me to safety
Remind me of my worthiness and an outpouring of love place in me
Let me trust this spontaneous turn
Because it's not quite spontaneous, for You have set out my path
Before my conception
Any time I call on you, you replenish my soul with a resurrection.

There are things in life that seem so good, seem so fine
I say, If only I had that I would be fulfilled
But I trust my journey, I trust you God
You are my unfaltering Rock

If it were not for death then we would not have life
So let me get rid of what is not serving me anymore
Embrace life and milk it for everything it is for
I know that if I just ask
You'll give me more
More love, more worthiness, more compassion
Bless me and allow me to live my life with passion!
Heck, I'm only here once,
So let's make this happen!

My heart is a swing
Swinging to conclusions
My mind is a pendulum
Going back and forth, me never making up my mind

Vacillation is a part of my anatomy
It's the chaos that thrills me

And yet I feel so safe
In the womb of certainty.

I'm fickle, they say
Swinging like a pendulum
from elation to dismay
But I rode towards the sunset today,
While you all were screaming in the background,
Basking in the chaos of ignorance

Some smiles are plaster,
And some are real
They say to look at the eyes
Then you'll know how a person really feels
But I'm a soul inspector,
You see,
A student of the streets
It's not the outside that matters
But the interior, the base that makes something complete
For a pretty house can be built upon unstable ground,
But is it truly sound?
This is why we must look past the smile
Through the eyes,
Into the soul
--that's when we'll see,
and that's when we'll know
the things that are unseen,
and the things that are unknown.

I was down in the mire
My skin and clothing were drenched in a thick mold of watery earth
And right before I slipped down beneath the sodden dirt
My eyes involuntarily rolled up toward the sky and I saw a fire

Was this fire a visible symbol of everything I desired
Floating above my head
Before I am declared dead
Or was it a call from the Divine
The message of fire translating into: This life is not yours to take
This life is not yours to forsake
Fear is detrimental and must be banished from the impressionable body
When anger festers in the heart it is a cause of rotting
Shame brings great pain that lasts for years and causes unnecessary disdain from the outside
When all you really need is love.
How could you expect anyone to truly love you, when you aren't truly and hopelessly in love with yourself?

From the mire I arose
To get a closer look at this flamed rose
I hesitated in fear
What was creating this phenomenon?
Could I trust the source of this creation?
Many yards away I observed this fire that was inexplicable
And then it called me forward.

Each step I took inching forward I trembled
Now merely two feet away from the fire
I attempted to summon it,
but my vocal cords were ridiculously restricted due to an anxiety that engulfed me at the moment of witnessing the floating mass

The wise-sounding voice emitting from the fire cloud serenaded riddles and symbols
Prophecies and words that only ascertained partly uncovered truths
It befuddled me
But the beauty of it also spellbound me
It told me to follow it
And in no time I agreed.

The fire took me places where I never fathomed existed
I had stood inside because of my fears for years
I thought my imagination and hobbies and work would keep me entertained
But I grew so bored
And that is what led to me planning my end
But the fire showed me their is so much more to life than what I hold inside
And the longer you internalize and hide, the more bitter you grow
For everyone needs love
It's a biological requirement

Looking at the most beautiful thing on this earth
While sitting on a hill
A rainbow
Because no matter where you are, that promise is shared with all
No matter who you are
This visible promise made by God
His promise reminds me that He is always with me
And there is no reason to fear
When he is near.

rain, clouding my glasses,
little droplets skewing street lights
cars travelling by
on this street, in the night
i stop by the open field
with the locked fence
my dog pulls at his leash,
straining to go forward
but i resist,
to savor this moment

the backdrop was navy blue,
with grey hues
fireflies lit up the open field
like little stars glowing
i let the rain soak me,
clean my festering wounds
and water my parched body
i took in a deep breathe of this night,
closed my eyes
to soak in every sensation
so maybe i wouldn't forget,
and could call upon this moment
while my soul suffers it's bouts of desolation

if only,
i was always
this present
i guess then,
i wouldn't be so distant

Instead of asking yourself: Will this matter in 5 years?
Ask yourself: Will this matter in a billion years?
NOPE.

Fleur, so bright
You light up my night
You are the bold yellow moon
On an August night
In the dark navy sky
Littered with endless stars

I can see it in my mind's eye
You and me floating along
Poppy fields
Dancing down trails
Jubilation will be our infinite song

Sweet, tender cherry lips
From which I do wish to sip
Watch tenderly my soul
You grasp my hand
And my heart takes hold
Of all of you

Unleash all possibility
Music streaming down alleys of former desolation
Your sweet love raises my vibration
Cathart your whole heart to me

Place your hand over my heart,
And repeat after me:
*This heart loves you
With all of my being

Do you ever feel like you were born in the wrong time? Do you possibly feel like you weren't meant to live in a time of smart phones, where everything is recorded but barely experienced? Do you long for an unknown time when people would look into each other's eyes and just be with each other? What about all the spontaneous adventures we miss out on, because we are stuck in our minds, constantly curating our perfectly presented life. We aren't free to be ourselves in every moment because we are constantly being surveillanced. It's like some invisible paparazzi is around always eager to capture and broadcast the most mundane moments of our lives. I feel so connected online to people's thoughts and I get a peek into people's private worlds, yet when I see these people in real life they are only shadows of what I experience online. Only echoes of their online personalities. Maybe we have become scared to be real and live with the joy and sorrow of uncertainty that comes with living in the real world. We've traded being real in reality with being a mere puppet in an online world that isn't even tangible. I want to feel your raw anguish over the conditions of this cruel world. I want to taste your bittersweet tears as you realize how beautiful this earth is despite the cruelty of the world. I want to to hear your laughter rip out of your heavy chest that is riddled with the anxieties of this world, and I want you to feel joy once again in that moment and I want you to breathe. I want you to make a crack in the dark dome you've been existed in, and I want you to revel in that little stream of fractured light.

Where do I start
At the place I fell apart
Amidst a blizzard harboring a frozen heart
Pelted down by rigid rules
And sharp shards of thought
In that stark place, I wished on empty air
That true love would find me,
That just someone would care.

The snow melted
And jolly yellow daffodils emerged from the wet earth
The sun overpowered the sullen clouds of winter
And pushed the wintry season aside
So now with un-fogged eyes
I could see
Every single possibility.

I found what I thought was love
At a young and tender age
We kissed under the oak around the corner from my house
Cars whizzed by but we focused on each other's lips
And shared a cool, crisp kiss
And with starry eyes, we looked up to the sky
And blessed the God who granted us such bliss
The winter we did not think about,
The winter we did not miss,
The winter we had forgotten.

Side by side, hip by hip
Not a second ever a part
Each moment was never missed
We held on close, for fear of losing
The love that healed and warmed our hearts
But the entanglement became increasingly confusing
Less and less amusing
And we bruised each other's innocent hearts.

Tension increased, lies and manipulations through lips were released
Kissing was sparse
And arguments prevailed
Even in his presence I felt all alone again, in the hail
Internally frozen existing within our fiery hell
The closer we got the more we were jailed
By rules and restrictions
In fear, in fear of being left
But all the while,
Our fear was causing the theft
Of our love.

When it all came crumbling down
I never thought it would
It was the only thing I felt was going good
I had no one to turn to but the person I cut off
I fell into a depression
From my bed I could not get up
I existed within a cloud of smoke encircling my head
My heart strongly beat on, but I failed to notice or listen to my heart
I got into the habit of numbing
I didn't think I was fit for happiness
I thought I could attain joy if I overthought the method to attainment
But that just brought me farther away from it.

When I would ride in cars, I would unconsciously scan the streets hoping to see him
To get a peek at the life he led outside of our high school hallways
Once, while walking home, I saw him in the passenger seat of his mother's van
He looked dismal, he looked like he was anticipating happiness
Like he was trying to figure out the mathematical solution to joy
Another time, while in the car with my friend,
I saw him in the night
With his friends, donning a frumpy sweatshirt
He looked happy, he looked drunk
I pressed my face on the cold glass, straining my neck to look longer
My reflection struggled to look onto the barren winter night
That could provide me no consolation.

Today, I wonder if I ever knew him
If the depiction I created of him in my mind's eye was ever accurate
I thought he was so much like me
But when we separated, observing his behaviors, I felt like I couldn't relate to him
And the more I couldn't relate to him, the more I couldn't relate to myself
The farther we grew from each other
The more cold I grew at heart
I wanted him to care
And yet, I just wanted to live my life without his surveillance
I wanted to explore and make mistakes and have fun
Without hurting him
I think all along, that's what he wanted too.

Those cold and barren memories
Especially the harrowing and excruciatingly painful ones
Are hard to grapple with
I wonder sometimes if I have truly sustained all of that trauma
And because I have, I marvel and I am in awe
Of my tenacity and resilience...
And yet to say that the tenacity and resilience is mine sounds foreign
It couldn't have been me who pulled myself through
I feel like I was supplied with that assistance and guided
With a little help from Serendipity
My gratitude is ineffable-- I feel honored and undeserving to have pulled through my trauma
And I feel obligated to share my story with the world
To prove that there is hope, there is life, there is magic, there is love, there is healing, there is beauty, there is restoration, there is joy...
There is everything you want
Residing in your heart
Holding all the secrets to happiness and health and redemption--
Back to the path of your dreams from which you have strayed
Get off the spacious road where the masses lazily and unknowingly stroll to their graves
Awaken from your sleep walk and pursue your dreams
Because you can, and you will.
I struggle sometimes to believe that I will find love again
But in those moments,
I simply forget
That I am a bearer of love
And that I don't have to wait around for others to love me
Because I can love myself and share love with everyone else
I laugh for thinking such a silly thought
And smile, looking inwardly, at the eternal sunshine emanating from my heart.

You know,
It's funny
People would think I would be
Mad or sad
About this
But I'm so very glad
I needed this,
I truly did
I truly truly did
I feel stronger,
Lighter,
Free
I'm growing into everything
I was meant to be.

God is not what we think God is
God can't be found in ancient texts
Or ornate institutions
We don't reach God by following rules
Or keeping up appearances
God is so much more than what we've been taught and told about God
God is perfect love,
And this love is free for all.

God please forgive me for my curious ways
From this disposition I can't be saved
I can't refrain
from the difference in my soul
I'm disconnected from the whole
Can't You see?
I try so much to fit in and conform
I cry out to you about this but You never seem to hear my pleas
I thought I'd make you happy if I was the same
If I dressed in starched linen and changed my name
I thought only then would I be able to see
You, God, clearly
Because that's my truest and sole desire
To know God for myself, to see God's eyes
Wide and on fire

But could it be
That I'll never see
You when I'm blinded by religion and
fear
I'll never feel you, hear you or
touch you
When conformity is creeping up my skin
How could I see?
Maybe without words,
or reason
or logic
Maybe by forgetting it all
I'll remember
Who God is.

Listening to rap
Okay
Well it makes me feel invincible
Wonder what it feels like to be up
On that stage, thousands cheering your name
I would love it
Because I thrive on people's attention
I'm always finding a way to get it
And it drains me
Attention isn't love
It's superficial.

Goodbye Sunshine,
You were never real
You were merely artificial light
That I gave meaning to
You never touched the drapes of my windows
Because you were never the sun
Only the real sun comes through my windows like a lion
Bright golden yellow,
Keeping me from my dreams
Because finally, I find my bliss in reality

How can I fathom leaving this delusion?
I have all these poems about you,
Inspired dreams, hopeful writings about you
And yet, here I am
I dug the grave
To bury the dream my wild imagination created
My imagination, always going too far down the rabbit hole,
Until my glasses are traded in for
Virtual reality goggles
And all I could see
Is my fantasy unfolding right in front of me

Here I am, on this oddly warm day
In January,
Laying my figment of you down to rest
How can I let go,
When I never truly got to feel and see
What it would be like
To be yours
Maybe I wouldn't have even enjoyed it.

Instead of hiding and numbing
I decided to engage
Sure, it's scary,
intimidating,
Vulnerable
But I rather engage with my heart beating rapidly and vibrantly
Than sit back in the sidelines
Making opinionated observations
As an excuse not to engage
So bring the good times,
Bring the storms
I want everything
I come unarmed.

Coalescing leaves,
Never being truly heard
My shadow only seen
Hidden in the tapestries
Of kaleidoscopic trees
With roots tapping deep into my being
A reality they are not seeing,
But I've known all my life
Writing my secrets in the air with my finger,
In plain view
Dreaming of mirrors,
A multitude of mirrors,
Yet who I am is still out of view
A cloud, mist adrift
Visceral notions
I must sift through
The rubble
It's good times for a change,
I found a rainbow deep within the haze
Over my heart their is a glaze,
From this dream I can't awake,
Repeating cycles of my self demise,
Someone, please,
Open my eyes.

I've been down a long time
I've had a sad song singing in my heart
It all started long ago,
With my life spinning down a drain
It's hard sometimes
To feel misunderstood
And full of pain

I guess there's a grain of joy though
When your idols come crashing down
You're empty enough
To have the void filled with God
Because really it's only Her who can replenish
And heal you,
Without further hurting you

Maybe there's overwhelming evidence that you're not loved
But that's a falsehood,
Trust me, it's not true
Everything on this big blue earth
Is a testament of God's love for you.

The meadow glows with a soft ambivalence
The air is humming with the chattering of birds
They try to do their best to impress with nests of decadence
But eyes aware see through the facade
My heart dreamt of days when wounds will be shared
In circles of trust and love
To heal that which congeals, and blocks the flow of love

I spent some time to tread the earth as a sojourner,
I set out alone
Though I never felt lonesome
The world spoke to me,
The earth kept me company
Her symphony carries through the universe
I felt loved and warm
I felt found
Though some may have described me as lost.
I was so profoundly found
In the company of the earth.

At night I would travel to the silver moon
And dance upon her
I would see the world below me
Blue and green and beautiful
My heart felt like a treasure beating in my chest in that moment
There was so much to be grateful for,
And there always has been.

The young people of this world will save us from our old, destructive ways
The young people, with their uncensored courage and brazen haste
Calling us jaded, complacent adults to change
Their pure, untainted hearts still unburdened by hate
Will become the very pathway to our escape
From the death traps we’ve made
Because for so long we’ve hated ourselves and we’ve hated the world
But the youth, with the full force of their fierce love
Are saying: “WE’RE NOT GIVING UP.”
They’re not giving into death and decay,
They won’t allow our earth to simply waste away
With all its beauty and all its wonder
But greed has corrupted our hearts and fear has led us astray
Filling our minds with hateful thoughts that cause disarray
But the youth, they’re here to stay
They wield their heart as their weapon
And pierce through the chaos our hatred and division has caused us
To make way for a better life,
Beyond our self-inflicted misery and strife

So carry on, young warriors
Brave and wise
Fight for this life we have taken for granted,
And save us from our own demise.

Had to
shuck the rules
and be un-cool
I had to leave the trodden path
and set out in the grassy field
I had to feel my anger
and scream:
*******!
To a sky so quizzically blue
I had to laugh til the point
when they questioned
if I was on drugs
No, not at all
Just having some childlike fun
I had to get a puppy
and learn responsibility the real way
I had to stop listening to people's stupid criticism
Their endless, meaningless remarks
I had to stop taking it all so seriously
I had to stop overthinking everything
and just feel it, and let it be
just as it is, in the moment
I had to smile anyway
Even if they don't smile back
I had to not let myself get confused about
evil; it's just a separation from God
I had to live fearlessly
and not anticipate the consequences for doing so.

Happiness in a bottle cap
Where is my home?
Cause I'm never going back.

Bruised and bleeding knees
I stood still to befriend the bees
I stood as still as a tree

This mirror is fogged
But I can still see
The beautiful me
A halo of light surrounds my silhouette
My inner self I will never forget

I don't really care
About trends and fads
I am concerned with eyes and hands
Let's look each other's eyes
and reach out each other's hands
To support one another
To share love
To recognize the Oneness of everything.

Let's just do what we love to do
And forget the worries and anxieties that bog us down
Come on now,
Turn that frown upside down ;)

Feel the vibrational pull,
The tide pulling you under
and spitting you out
Feel the steam from the whistling kettle,
Rising from within the depths of your being,
Screaming to be set free
Where is the intangible demon that has taken your body hostage?
You awaken to memories of being carefree,
It only makes your reality more haunting
It feeds your longing
For a better life,
One you lost along the way
It wasn't your fault,
Circumstances took it away from you,
You clawed at your joy
But they ripped it away,
And put you in a factory,
The factory of Life
Making you a slave
Until the day you die

But look, I can still see the child hiding deep within your eyes
Did you forget how to cry?
This world is a perplexing place
You have an abundace of questions but no answers,
You search for love in all the wrong places,
And you haven't even learned how to love yourself

I had a vision
And a handful of dreams
There is a life beyond this confusion and division
I must make an incision
To see through this veil of chaos
Learn through the storm, and
Find healing in the process.

Take my hands and give them power
Let supernatural gifts
flow through both my mouth and fingertips
Enrapture me with your love
May it radiate through my being
Transcending beyond my earthly cares
To penetrate the veil of this existence
So all present can witness
A reality beyond the mediocrity
of humdrum living

I've mulled over countless explanations in my mind
Trying to understand
The anatomy of healing
But spiritual perception has a tendency to bleed
through the confines of controlled analysis
It can be difficult to quell nagging doubts
When the subject matter is so elusive

But I want it
I want to operate in the supernatural
I intensely desire the ability
to be in constant communion with the Divine
I want to impact the world for good
with a love that comes only from God
I surrender myself completely
For I find no lasting pleasure in carnal pursuits
I find it only in
communion with God
and when I am ministering healing and liberation
to people weighed down by heavy burdens,
like I once was
It's in the moments when I'm fully surrendered to God
and living within the center of his purpose for me
That my heart feels like it has palpable rays
That are shooting forth
Ever-widening my heart
And encompassing me within a shower of
everlasting love pouring down on me
and the entire universe
But your heart needs to be cracked open
and humbled
before you can experience this ever pervasive and
present shower of love
Your spiritual sensitivities
must be awakened once again
and attuned to see
God.

The past
Can grasp
For me
Plead
For me to pay it mind
Spare it my time
But if I did, that would be a self-destructive crime
Because life is too short to be wasting my time

Antiquated journal entries
Scorching my eyes
I thought I threw them all out
I thought I did away with my past entirely
But this journal entry
Brought me back to a day I have no recollection of
It made me feel like I felt five years ago,
Lonely and seeking attention in all the wrong places
Scared and shielded.

My, have I grown
Not in size or shape
But in destiny and fate
My life was heading in an ominous direction
How many times did I call out to God
Until I finally became humbled
And welcomed the Angels protection.

It's been a long journey
Through attempting to conform to dogmatic ideals
to becoming overwhelmed and lashing out in bouts of departing--
Dissociating
To allow the pain to be released in some rebellious way
But the core of me was still ailing and not okay
And only recently have I started to discover my self worth and potential
Not by comparing myself to others and deeming myself superior as to soothe my raging pain
But by listening to God and allowing Him to show me what steps to take so I can get out of life the most gain.

On the surface we have chaos,
Protective parts of us at war
Because sometimes we trigger each other’s wounds
And we become angry at each other for making us experience old, unhealed pain

But our true selves will always be connected
I think we’re starting to see
That no matter how many old wounds get unveiled by the other
And how sometimes the unveiling of these wounds make us stand at the cord that connects our hearts, threatening to cut it with rusty scissors
We will always stay connected,
We will always be old friends
And once we turn inward and heal our wounds
We’ll begin to feel grateful for each other triggering our wounds
For with every triggering of a wound,
We can swoop in and love the unmet need from childhood inside ourselves
And thank each other for being guides in showing us where the pain lies within us

May we be thankful for this gift of love
The gift of each other
Being the guides to our healing.

I woke up early this morning
to find thorny vines
wrapped around me
The thorns pierced deeply
into my flesh
I howled,
My broken flesh bled
I lay tangled in a heap,
helpless on my bed

I finally wriggled myself free
I ran up to my mirror
to see
bruises and open wounds
All over my body
I fell to the ground and cried,
Because I saw myself
as ugly and broken
Who could ever love
Someone as hideous as me?

I cleared my bed of the thorny vines
And curled up into a ball on my white sheets
I left the world far behind
as I drifted off into
a silent world
of sleep.

My body bears the scars,
but it's my heart that bleeds.