I've learned -
that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is be someone who can be loved.
The rest is up to them.
I've learned -
that no matter how much I care,
some people just don't care back.
I've learned -
that it takes years to build up trust,
and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned -
that it's not what you have in your life
but who you have in your life that counts.
I've learned -
that you can get by on charm
for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better know something.
I've learned -
that you shouldn't compare
yourself to the best others can do.
but to the best you can do.
I've learned -
that it's not what happens to people
that's important. It's what they do about it.
I've learned -
that you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.
I've learned -
that no matter how thin you slice it,
there are always two sides.
I've learned -
that it's taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.
I've learned -
that it's a lot easier
to react than it is to think.
I've learned -
that you should always leave
loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned -
that you can keep going
long after you think you can't.
I've learned -
that we are responsible for what we do,

no matter how we feel.
I've learned -
that either you control your attitude
or it controls you.
I've learned -
that regardless of how hot and steamy
a relationship is at first,
the passion fades and there had better be
something else to take its place.
I've learned -
that heroes are the people
who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.
I've learned -
that learning to forgive takes practice.
I've learned -
that there are people who love you dearly,
but just don't know how to show it.
I've learned -
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I've learned -
that my best friend and I can do anything
or nothing and have the best time.
I've learned -
that sometimes the people you expect
to kick you when you're down
will be the ones to help you get back up.
I've learned -
that sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me
the right to be cruel.
I've learned -
that true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.
I've learned -
that just because someone doesn't love you
the way you want them to doesn't mean
they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned -
that maturity has more to do with
what types of experiences you've had

and what you've learned from them
and less to do with how many
birthdays you've celebrated.
I've learned -
that you should never tell a child
their dreams are unlikely or outlandish.
Few things are more humiliating, and
what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.
I've learned -
that your family won't always
be there for you. It may seem funny,
but people you aren't related to
can take care of you and love you
and teach you to trust people again.
Families aren't biological.
I've learned -
that no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you
every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned -
that it isn't always enough
to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn
to forgive yourself.
I've learned -
that no matter how bad
your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned -
that our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned -
that sometimes when my friends fight,
I'm forced to choose sides
even when I don't want to.
I've learned -
that just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other
And just because they don't argue,
it doesn't mean they do.
I've learned -
that sometimes you have to put

the individual ahead of their actions.
I've learned -
that we don't have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.
I've learned -
that you shouldn't be so
eager to find out a secret.
It could change your life forever.
I've learned -
that two people can look
at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.
I've learned -
that no matter how you try to protect
your children, they will eventually get hurt
and you will hurt in the process.
I've learned -
that there are many ways of falling
and staying in love.
I've learned -
that no matter the consequences,
those who are honest with themselves
get farther in life.
I've learned -
that no matter how many friends you have,
if you are their pillar you will feel lonely
and lost at the times you need them most.
I've learned -
that your life can be changed
in a matter of hours
by people who don't even know you.
I've learned -
that even when you think
you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to you,
you will find the strength to help.
I've learned -
that writing, as well as talking,
can ease emotional pains.
I've learned -
that the paradigm we live in
is not all that is offered to us.
I've learned -
that credentials on the wall

do not make you a decent human being.
I've learned -
that the people you care most about in life
are taken from you too soon.
I've learned -
that although the word “love”
can have many different meanings,
it loses value when overly used.
I've learned -
that it's hard to determine
where to draw the line
between being nice and
not hurting people's feelings
and standing up for what you believe.

How do you put into words the pain that has built up over 18 years? When I was living back at home, I felt like the days were a never-ending cycle of hate, love and absolution. I learned to see the in between. I learned that while you were my rock, you were also jagged and pointed and cruel. I learned that you are a devil, a punisher, a human. I learned that when the glass shatters across the wall, you have to be extra careful none of the pieces fell beneath the table. I learned the best way to avoid telling the counselor at school that you had a bad day without telling them that the bruise on my arm was because I dared to talk back. I learned that when you tell me that I should be responsible like an adult you really meant why can’t you do it right the first time…

When I was living back at home, I learned how when you smiled at me from the auditorium when I got my awards in third grade that you were truly happy and proud. I learned how when you missed my fourth-grade award ceremony because you were working that you can cry too. I learned that loving you is complex and I still don’t understand how to handle the pain. I learned that forgiveness must be earned and that you can’t just put food on the table but then never nourish my soul. I learned that God doesn’t answer your prayers if you don’t know what to pray for. I learned that to honor your father and mother doesn’t mean you have to respect them. I learned that a two-way street really meant a one-way road with a median for the other side. You think cars can come from the other side but in reality it’s nothing more than being told you are the child not the adult.

When I moved away from home, I learned that it was wrong that you treated me so poorly. I knew it in my heart but I could never truly hate you. I know how hard you worked. I know how much you struggled. I know that you had me because my father exploited you at such a young age. I don’t know if you could have ever said no, but you did when he asked you to abort me. You moved to America to find a better life for me and my younger brother. I know how much you hurt.

I don’t know if you ever knew how much you hurt me.

But it’s okay because I too can look past all the mistakes. I can walk from my front door to the mailbox and see that there is still garbage piled up on the front lawn that I’ve never really thrown away. Because what happens when I throw away all the baggage that you piled up onto me? Do you get forgiven? Is that the end of the road? Will you die never having known that you hurt me so?

When I moved away from home, I learned how to avoid your calls. I learned how to find an excuse not to pick up. I learned how mistakes can be forgiven and that I don’t need to scream and shout to be heard. I learned that I’m not a burden. I learned that I’m not a ball and chain that you drag to the top of the mountain. I learned that love isn’t implied, it should be said. I learned that I’m okay where I am. I learned that I’m enough. I learned that I’ve done enough. I learned that I deserve to be acknowledged.

When I came back to visit, I learned what a panic attack was. I learned what PTSD was. I learned what bittersweet love really meant.

When you die, I will learn that I might have loved you more than I thought. I will learn that I do love you as my Mom. I will learn to see you more than my judge, my jury, my defender, my provider. I will learn to see you as my Mom, to love you as my Mom.

I will never forgive you for all the pain that you have caused me, but I will learn to one day.

today i learned that your favourite
colour is red.
(i also happened to be wearing it.)
today i learned that everything i’ve ever wanted to happen
will eventually happen,
but not in the ways i imagined they would.
today i learned that i can love you from a distance,
that i can say it with my eyes and maybe you will
hear me.
(or maybe you won’t but
either way i’m going to keep looking at you.)
today i learned that you care about me because
you told me to put on my scarf so that i wouldn't get cold.
today i learned that love is a language all on its own,
full
of laughter and long embraces and jokes and
spur of the moment decisions and unrequited heartache
and other things
i cannot find words for.
today i learned that instead of being a fool for
not being able to control my heart i might in fact
just be human.
today i learned that every solid foundation was once
a battleground.
today i learned that i could one day maybe trust again but
i am still not ready yet.
today i learned that black friday
is now a thing in Canada.
today i don’t feel so afraid.
today my mother let me read her journal from 1988
(when she was the age that i am right now)
and i learned that i am more like her than i ever
thought i was,
i learned that that might be more of a blessing
than a curse.
today i learned how to use my mind as a camera, that it might
be okay to let so many precious moments remain
undeveloped.
today i learned that i cannot force you to be enamoured with me.
today i learned that i might just have to settle on the fact that my inability to express myself with words has no bearing on how nervous i get when i am around you.
today i learned that there is so much love everywhere.
today i learned that everyone is stunning.
today i learned that there is no such thing as having too big
of a heart.