my stress is goin up my emotions are outta whack im crazy for a boy who wont like me back i feel like im deteriorating cant stay awake sleep seems like the better option i just hope i pass my ap exams but doesnt mental health matter more ive gotten quieter i have nothing to say just trying to live day by day someone please notice my suffering im not quite sure what happened here or when things got worse i want to sit in the sun and laugh but there are thunderstorms in my head so i sit in silence instead.

my life is in shambles
i've forgotten how to live
i hate to
regress
but here i am.
i think that i stand in the way of my own happiness

i will not
i refuse
to fight for your attention.
if you want her and i
then choose her
because i will not be a second choice.
don't believe for one minute that this does not pain me
because it does.
i've been here before
and that is why i must leave before this tears me apart more than it already has.
you simply cannot tell me you have feelings for me
and then continue to see her every other night.
sorry honey
it doesnt work like that.
at least not when you're talking to a girl that knows her own self worth.
do you say the same things to her?
silly boy
you must not know
that i know how boys like you work.
you recycle your words and affection
that does not make me feel special
so do not tell me that i am special.
i know that i am
but you are not treating me that way.
your act is getting old
and it is time for me to leave.

it's been four months
since you left me
but it hasn't stopped hurting
it doesn't help
that you're dating the girl
who used to be my best friend.
it's been four months
and it shouldn't hurt so much
when i think of you
there have been others since you
but i end it every time
because you made me doubt everyone.
you said you loved me
and heck,
i loved you more than the sun loves the moon
and she sets every night for him.
i loved you with every atom of my being
but it wasn't enough for you.
i hope you're happy
that you ruined love for me
that i can't allow myself to get close to anyone.
i hope you're happy
as you continue to stab the knife into my back
while telling others what a nightmare i was
even though i treated you like you put the stars in the sky.
so please,
get out of my head and heart
you aren't welcome here.

you are a ghost
roaming around these halls
i can see how hollow you feel
you are trying
that is what matters
but when you retreat back into that black pit of despair,
it hurts me and everyone you love.
i know
that this is not easy for you
you have been struggling for years
i wish you were well
i wish you could climb out and see the light of day
get better soon dad.

i am ready to move on
i want to stop writing about you.
for all these months
i have tried to remember you
but i am ready to forget.
so i hope that this will be my last poem about you
but i cannot promise that
because you always find your way back into my mind.
but this time
i am ready
i will move on
i will come back better and stronger.
you will no longer have a hold over me.
goodbye
and good riddance to you

my body is my home
my legs carry me on days i do not feel like walking
my feet keep me planted
on days when i feel like flying away
flowers are growing here
they've definitely been watered enough
my stomach rises and falls when i laugh
it contains butterflies when certain people walk by
it harvests hope
my scars
remind me of where i have been
my heart has been broken many times
but it keeps beating
so do not say that i am not strong
i have lived in this home for 16 years
my skin has not abandoned me
when everyone else has
my bones
have not forsaken me
my heart
contains so much love
yes i have pimples on my face
but instead of pointing out my flaws,
why don't you ask what has stressed me out to cause them
instead of telling me about my worry lines,
why don't you ask what causes them
my stretch marks represent my growth
my eyes see
they have seen love
they have seen hurt
they have seen loss
and heartbreak
but they keep seeing regardless
i do not blink away the pain
people say seeing is believing
but by faith i believe
so all glory be to God
He is the one who keeps me strong
they say eyes are the window to the soul
so let me tell you about my soul
i see the beauty in everything
i put my heart into what i do
i have passion
i am not lighthearted
i take things to heart
i'm honest
i trust too easily
but it's hard for me to forgive
i can be impatient sometimes
i'm complicated
i worry too much
i am not an easy person to love
and i wont try to convince you to love me
because i love me
at the end of the day, all i have is me
and my body is my home

don't you see
i am a thunderstorm
not something to be taken lightly
not something to step in and out of
when it rains it pours
the raging waters
cannot easily be calmed

i dont know what to write
to make you understand
the way i always end up alone
and unknown
i want to write about everything thats bothering me
but i cant find the words to express
the loneliness in the pit of my chest
i thought i was happy
but maybe that just cant be
everything has to go wrong
even when ive tried for so long.
so ill eat away my feelings
and stay inside.
ill stop bothering you.

i want to leave this town
where everyone is intertwined
and i feel unwanted
where i see the faces
of the people who hurt me everyday
i want to pack my things
and go someplace
where nobody knows my name.
i want to tell my mom how i feel
but i don't want to scare her.
i know it was ******* her
when she saw how the world had hurt me
and how i hurt me
i did not intend to hurt her
i love her
i want to get better so she can be happy
i don't want to worry her.
i wish
people would not be so rude
to me
without reason.
i am tired
of fighting
i am tired
of seeing them and feeling powerless
i am tired
of how weak i feel.

I need to turn this sadness into poetry
So it will mean something and be worth it.
How can medicine make me happy
When all that I want is your arms around me
You are ruining my life but you are unaware.
Why
Am I not enough for you
Is my laugh too loud
Does my beauty scream out to you
are you afraid
Of falling for the girl who could change everything
Or
Are you simply that oblivious?
It turns out that I am enough
For you
For me
And for everyone.
I cannot make you realize this
But your feelings, or lack thereof,
Do not determine my worth
Or my immeasurable sense of life.
I want to live
And you are preventing me from that as of now
So I suppose
That it is time
For me to stop focusing on you
And to start focusing on
Me
Wherever that may lead.
I’m ready to let go
Of you
And the things that I know
I will venture into new territory
Explore the beauty around me
Its time to stop chasing people
And to start chasing what I want in life.

can you tell
by the way i speak
or the emptiness in my eyes
can you see
how life has left me
it is ******* the soul out of me
im alive
but just barely
going through the motions
day after day
did you notice
how passion has abandoned me
something has replaced curiosity
dread
sits in the bottom of my stomach
can you hear
my jokes have gotten darker
my laugh has gotten quieter
its not hard to see
whats happening to me
you just have to look.

nights like these
i end up on my knees
praying that i didn't have to be so lonely
praying that somebody would hold me.
its not heartbreak anymore
my heart isnt sore
its numb
and the tears wont come out
no matter how hard i try
i just cant cry.
nights like these
i am reminded
that it is better to ache than to not feel
because suddenly nothing feels real.
im just living in a fantasy world
but nobody will come out to play
reality feels sort of far away.
nights like these
i remember
everybody leaves.

i got caught up in a riptide today
the ocean is normally my friend
but today
i was sweeped under
forced to roll with the waves
and be dragged
i couldnt breathe
or come up for air
i struggled against the water
and when the ocean finally stood still
i had to fight to get to the surface
it felt like the longest descent
i didn't know if i would make it
but then again i didn't have time to think
my face broke the surface
and i gulped in the air
gasping and scared
i kept breathing
til the next wave came
so is life
it's scary
we don't know if we can come back up for air
and right when we seem okay
another wave comes.
but we have to keep swimming
keep fighting
keep struggling
to stay alive.
it's hard but it's so worth it.

i stayed up late last night
tossing and turning
i couldn't sleep
i could not stop replaying
the memories of you and me.
i searched everywhere
but i must have deleted the videos.
i long to hear your laugh
or see that cheesy smile you used to wear.
i want to feel your warmth
and feel safe in your arms again.
but the truth is
you are not an angel
you are a demon
sent here to destroy me.
to rip my heart out of my chest
while pretending to care.
why do you wish
to tear me apart?
i just want to sleep again
but you flooded my brain
so here's to another sleepless night.

tell me about the sea
tell me about your favorite things
your fears, your dreams
don't waste precious moments with small talk
tell me about what you love
what makes you feel alive

i just want to be me
fully myself
not the version of me that you want me to be
but how can i do that if im unsure of myself
i am blooming
into a beautiful sunflower
but im not there yet.
how can i express myself
without reaching my full potential?
i will show you who i am today
and it may differ from what i show you tomorrow
i will grasp onto the present
and stop waiting
waiting to grow
waiting to discover myself
because who i am
cannot be put on hold

sometimes i fear i won't make it to old age.
what will give out first
my mental or physical state?
why is my body deteriorating
at the age of 17?
i feel trapped.
i want to go out and experience all that life has to offer
but i can't quite find the way how.

i want to find someone
who craves to know the
deepest parts of me.
someone who will be gentle with me
and listens
really listens
without judgement.
someone
who understands what i have been through
and will inspire me
but not try to change me.
someone who realizes that they cannot complete me
someone who will calm my soul
when it is raging
who understands my thoughts.
i want someone to pray to God with me
and to keep me.
someone who finds galaxies in my eyes
and loves me for who i am
because i deserve nothing less.

i don't know why all of my poems are so sad
i am happy
well
i am trying.
i'm living day by day.
things really have gotten better
for the most part.
i am my biggest obstacle to pure happiness.

i am beautiful.
please repeat this while staring into the mirror
until you believe it.
you are beautiful
please do not fight me on this
because you will not win.
everything has beauty
if you dare to come close.
everyone has a story
if you care to hear.
you are beautiful
allow yourself to acknowledge this simple fact
stop hating your reflection
you were made this way for a reason
stop doubting your worth
even though that is what the world has conditioned you to do.
you
cannot be measured
for you are much more.
words cannot amount to all that you are.
start believing in yourself.