it's been four months
since you left me
but it hasn't stopped hurting
it doesn't help
that you're dating the girl
who used to be my best friend.
it's been four months
and it shouldn't hurt so much
when i think of you
there have been others since you
but i end it every time
because you made me doubt everyone.
you said you loved me
and heck,
i loved you more than the sun loves the moon
and she sets every night for him.
i loved you with every atom of my being
but it wasn't enough for you.
i hope you're happy
that you ruined love for me
that i can't allow myself to get close to anyone.
i hope you're happy
as you continue to stab the knife into my back
while telling others what a nightmare i was
even though i treated you like you put the stars in the sky.
so please,
get out of my head and heart
you aren't welcome here.

i want to find someone
who craves to know the
deepest parts of me.
someone who will be gentle with me
and listens
really listens
without judgement.
someone
who understands what i have been through
and will inspire me
but not try to change me.
someone who realizes that they cannot complete me
someone who will calm my soul
when it is raging
who understands my thoughts.
i want someone to pray to God with me
and to keep me.
someone who finds galaxies in my eyes
and loves me for who i am
because i deserve nothing less.

can you tell
by the way i speak
or the emptiness in my eyes
can you see
how life has left me
it is ******* the soul out of me
im alive
but just barely
going through the motions
day after day
did you notice
how passion has abandoned me
something has replaced curiosity
dread
sits in the bottom of my stomach
can you hear
my jokes have gotten darker
my laugh has gotten quieter
its not hard to see
whats happening to me
you just have to look.

i dont know what to write
to make you understand
the way i always end up alone
and unknown
i want to write about everything thats bothering me
but i cant find the words to express
the loneliness in the pit of my chest
i thought i was happy
but maybe that just cant be
everything has to go wrong
even when ive tried for so long.
so ill eat away my feelings
and stay inside.
ill stop bothering you.

don't you see
i am a thunderstorm
not something to be taken lightly
not something to step in and out of
when it rains it pours
the raging waters
cannot easily be calmed

nights like these
i end up on my knees
praying that i didn't have to be so lonely
praying that somebody would hold me.
its not heartbreak anymore
my heart isnt sore
its numb
and the tears wont come out
no matter how hard i try
i just cant cry.
nights like these
i am reminded
that it is better to ache than to not feel
because suddenly nothing feels real.
im just living in a fantasy world
but nobody will come out to play
reality feels sort of far away.
nights like these
i remember
everybody leaves.

i got caught up in a riptide today
the ocean is normally my friend
but today
i was sweeped under
forced to roll with the waves
and be dragged
i couldnt breathe
or come up for air
i struggled against the water
and when the ocean finally stood still
i had to fight to get to the surface
it felt like the longest descent
i didn't know if i would make it
but then again i didn't have time to think
my face broke the surface
and i gulped in the air
gasping and scared
i kept breathing
til the next wave came
so is life
it's scary
we don't know if we can come back up for air
and right when we seem okay
another wave comes.
but we have to keep swimming
keep fighting
keep struggling
to stay alive.
it's hard but it's so worth it.