Torment
Pain
Suffering
Dying
Crying
Sighing
Crying
Dying
Suffering
Pain
Torment

You are so sweet
We're all addicted to sweet
As people...
But maybe it's time
I go on a diet
That I learn to cut back
But my sweet tooth
It yearns for you

You've been a roller-coaster
So much fun
But so many ups and downs
But so many downs
You've gotten off
But I'm still on
Reliving the drop
Over and over

I'm not sweet
Like you
I don't know how sometimes
To be sweet
But maybe it's time I learn
I just hope I don't
Make everyone sick
Overdoing it

I am lost.
It is foreign and cold.
I am afraid of dying.

My doctor says I lost 8 pounds in 6 weeks.
Down to 120.
What 5 foot 9 inch tall man weighs 120 pounds?

I'm borderline anorexic.
He is very concerned.
800 calories a day is probably not enough.

I am lost.
I am withering away.
Soon I'll be gone.

You told me
"Don't be sad. I'm okay now."
I've been sad for almost 5 months...
I'm not okay...but
Happy Birthday.

My tears run down
My face
Like
Rainedrops down
A windowpane

258 days,

March
Man, march was two steps forward and one step back for us.
Several things happened in March
Heidi still wouldn't shut up
I think I admitted to you I was having flashbacks of her when I was with you,
I'm sure that didn't feel too great for you. You couldn't blame yourself (did you? I'm so sorry)
There were times when I kissed you I had to stop and look into your eyes
You're beautiful, were then, were now, when I looked, it cured my flashbacks
So that's where the whole thing happened where you were like
"What?" and I told you you were "just beautiful" ...you were just beautiful. So wonderful.
Things going well!
But... ... ...
Second week of March, I come over one evening, stayed till dark
We're allowed up in your room, hooray! You kept the door open so we wouldn't get in trouble
That night,
You had on Chicago the Musical, playing on the TV in your room
In hindsight, the plot is quite clever and I'll probably watch it someday soon as I'm crying over you
...anyway
Yes, I'm cursed with a memory that good...
I didn't like musicals. I put up this silly front and told you I thought they were too fake.
I was a little mean. I just told you that if you liked musicals though that was okay...
Except it turns out in the future I didn't let it be okay
Anyway, Joanna came upstairs, we just picked another movie...
I'm pretty sure I said "I really would rather not watch a musical, something else would be fine"
Ended up...
Playing Halo with Andrew in between making out
Until I left around 8:15
But I forgot my phone charger there
Came back to pick it up, but this information is insignificant
... ... ...
So third week it is, we go out to see the AYP / AYS Spring Side-By-Side Concert
Just so happened to play selections from Les Miserables
You sung really beautifully
And all my stupid self could do was look at you like I wanted to tape your mouth shut
Leaned away from you a little, you were on my left, I leaned on my right arm
I even remember which row and seats we were sitting in
I remember how you asked what was wrong
I told you "nothing" and I couldn't say more

Sweet girl, I have to stop this story right now because at that moment, I knew very well how stupid it was that I was doing that to you. I realized I got extremely defensive over the stupidest **** in the world, but I couldn't get over my stupid reaction. So I just quit talking. But I was quite bothered. But I couldn't help it. But it was so ******* mean.

Reminiscent of how I treated Heidi...how I did that to you. Heidi would hurt me and I didn't want to hurt her so I just gritted my teeth and told her it was nothing. Over time it got worse and I got angry over the dumbest ****, before I finally gathered the courage to break up with her.

I knew that I loved you exactly as you were, but you got the leftovers from my ****** relations with her and I'm so ******* sorry I did that to you, that I coaxed you to change, that I ruined something that made you happy for you

If I could go back to March I would, I would beat the absolute **** out of my past self for what I did...

"I love you...
I love you too"

This poem is a story about me. I'm writing it at 4:30 AM because I can't sleep and it's better than smoking cigarettes.

I'm 19. Male, half korean, half American mutt. For some reason, I have this photographic memory. I remember too things like they just happened yesterday. I get flashbacks to events I shouldn't remember. Things I shouldn't think about. Other memories never get past the tip of my tongue. I have PTSD with the dumbest triggers you could imagine. I live every day on the edge with pent-up feelings even though I tell people I do not feel. It's hard to make me laugh, and it's hard to make me cry, and I feel awfully lonely.

I remember elementary school. Age 5... I'll remember the first day I rode a school bus for the rest of my life. I think at least 8 kids asked me if I was Chinese on my walk to the back, and some disgustingly fat kid across the aisle was begging people for paper scraps to shoot spitballs at "the *****". The next 13 years weren't much easier than that day. As I grew up, I found it necessary to grow my wit. I disguised my sorry feelings behind clever jokes while people began to like me. I made some friends, but I felt so alone. I always felt like nobody liked me when it was probably only me that didn't like me.

Senior year of high school, I fell in love with a girl, and this is a really long story too except that I can sum it up that I just ruined her life and now she won't talk to me. But she was the sunrise to what had been a dark, dark life. She was my safety and my warmth. It wasn't about how cute she was or what she looked like. I fell in love with the person inside of her. We did some stupid things, disobeyed her parents. Her parents then damaged me for loving her... and I made mistakes I'll forever regret. I never meant to hurt her, but ... Everything I did to her - and what she's done to me, the guilt I put on myself before she ever left and the pain that she brought on me after she did... I cried to myself for 200 straight days and even though my friends have picked me up, it still makes me feel like the most pathetic being on this planet and I'm sure just like she knows now not to waste any her time on a waste of human life, that was nothing without her.

What if we could reboot
Like
Reboot the love and the passion, the feelings and desires,
As if we were only a computer which crashed
Like we just need rebooted

What if we could kiss
Like, kiss each other alive again, mouth to mouth for the dead inside us to save us from dying
As if our lips would let us live again
Like we just need to kiss

What if we could cuddle
Like, cuddle each other warm inside, as if our body heat would warm our feelings to feel less cold
As if cuddling would let us feel again
Like we just need to cuddle

What if everything good we ever did, and I have no regrets
Like, everything would mean something, that we wouldn't just turn to it in a lust-fueled adrenaline rush
As if everything, slow and steady, would let us be us again
Like we just need to do everything

Reboot.

I
Took
Too
Many
Pain
Pills
And
Now
I'm
Numb.

Wrote a second napkin
Unsure if it ever got to you
Actually wrote this one first
When we were still sneaking
Still talking

Walked into your work
You weren't there
Gave it to a co-worker
Asked her to give it to you
When she got the chance

Talked about backpacks, parking lots, a play on words
Backpacks, how I said I wished I could take you everywhere like a backpack
Parking lots, how we told each other we loved each other lots, but "parking lots"
Just wanted to make sure you still felt that way, so I made a little joke

Goes a little like this

"I heard something about backpacks and parking lots.
Are you still in? Meet me at the * parking lot when the time comes."

After all
We had a covert operation going
Not supposed to talk to me
Your mother said
After the flowers
You claimed to have joy
After the flowers
Though

She is a great friend to everyone around her.
She is going to be my best friend until the end of time, regardless of if I'll get to talk to her or be with her.
She is a great companion. I've never found anyone like her. I may never find someone like her again.
She is the kind of person who lends a hand to someone in need, and she cares about everybody.
She is not perfect. She doesn't have to be. We should love her good and her bad, both teach me lessons.
She is a great example of what people should be. Set examples for me, and I'm a better person now.
She is either undecided about her sexuality, or has given up on boys. I am a boy. But it's okay.
She is not very ****** in nature. I pushed her to do things she wasn't comfortable with.
She is the reason I am alive today. She saved me from some of the darkest times of my life.
She is so beautiful. She's human, practices proper hygiene, and is everything anyone could ask for.
She is outgoing. Despite her low self esteem, she tries to be happy and make others happy too.
She is glorious. When I am in her presence everything bad to ever occur in my world goes away.
She is hurt. I told her awful things. She's been through so much, and I used it against her.
She is historically lighthearted. I made her heart so heavy. She is getting back to herself, though.
She is a good Samaritan. The charity work she does in the lives of others? She deserves awards.
She is okay without me, though I'm not without her. I need someone like her in my life.
She is innocent. The hurt she was put through was undeserved. She didn't pick this life.
She is no longer someone I want to make out with. Have *** with. I don't feel that way anymore.
She is my bliss. I float above the clouds, when I am with her. She is my heaven.
She is my peace. Talking to her is the most graceful thing.
She is not mine to have, or mine to take. Nor should she be taken advantage of by everyone.
She is my heaven on Earth. I called her my soul mate for a reason. I just don't know how to explain this love.
She is killing me.

You should hate me
You shouldn't want me
You shouldn't listen to my excuses
Though I listen to yours

"How can I...when my whole life people have told me I'm not good enough"

If I was mean I'd call that a ******* excuse

But it isn't an excuse

It's a horrible circumstance that I know was tough for you

You need to understand that I went through such horrible things

And I know I treated you horribly

But I never did really want you to change

I was only unsatisfied with something I made up in my head

I wasn't satisfied with myself

Hate lurks in the shadows
As the *** calls the kettle black
It is getting much darker
My flashlight is going dim
I am finding it harder
To cast light to brighten the days

I'm pretty weak.
Weak in body,
Weak in spirit.
Weak in places I never knew I could be.

Your mom screamed at me to grow a backbone.
You were my backbone.
I tried to grow you.
I tried to grow us.

She would have none of it.
Threats, promises, whatevers.
Name calling, screaming and shouting.
I didn't deserve it at all.

Please pretend
I'm not the one
Who wrote this
That a stranger
Dropped it off to
Make your day

You're beautiful.
You're wonderful.
You're the kind of girl,
That both the boys and girls fall for.
You're insert positive adjective here.
Not because you're a cute face.
Not because your body is the perfect shape.
Not because long sleeves might hide your pain.
Because you're someone they look up to
You're someone a lot of people look up to
Even though most people wouldn't admit it
I'd rather be open about it
You're a bright mind.
You're an open mind.
You're a caring mind.
You're a mind full of optimism.
You're a cute mind.
You're a witty mind.
You're more clever than you know.
A genius trapped
Under the eyes of the world
Or at least, the overbearing souls
Of those who surround you.
You're amazing,
Because you actually amaze.
You've surprised a lot of people
With your persona because
You have a voice in it
That people can't see or hear
But they feel it
Oh, I know they feel it
They love you for it
Like the expression on a face
Carries a universal language
You carry another kind,
One much more rare.
You're the kind of person who
Doesn't come around often
The kind of person
That everyone desires
I should have known
I'd lose the rat race to your heart
I'm not capable
Of the necessary actions
To satisfy something so pure
You're a diamond
And I'm the dirt
I just hope I don't bury you
As you're trying to shine

Words still ring in my head
*****
What do you want
*****...*****...*****...******...*****...
dead line

So many threats
Don't go into her work
Don't see her at school, and don't ******* talk to her
Stay the **** away from my daughter
*****

Went to see a concert
Walked past her
Had to ignore her
To avoid jail time
When I would have loved to ...nevermind

Walked out
Into the parking lot
Half way there
I'm tackled with such a loving hug
From behind

I am stricken
Words ringing in my head
*****, *****, *****, he called me
It took a minute for me to muster
The courage to say a word to her

I turn around and speak
With such pain in my voice
She tried to calm my fears
She tried to cheer me up but
I just wouldn't budge

Little would I know
It would be the last time
She would ever want
To hug me from behind ...like
Like that ever again

As I sit alone every night, I jump, in surprise,
I'm still surrounded in warmth
As I'm forced to relive this ****,
Her last good surprise to me,
That memory forever

I get these flashbacks,
Like a VHS tape...play, rewind,
Pause, fast forward, but no stop... I still... I still...
I feel her wrap her arms around me
Over and over and over and over

I don't ******* know
How I'll ever get better
When the only thing that
Makes me feel any better
Is the same thing that hurts me

I've speculated upon
Destroying these tapes
Or at least destroying the player
But I can't push myself,
Because suicide is not...

Suicide
Is not the way out
And I don't know what is
But there's a long life ahead
Maybe I'll figure it out

I say hello to a new year,
One that I kicked off in glorious fashion,
Not even at home,
Not with you,
At a friend's house getting drunk
Off my ***
and
Forgetting about you by way of
5 mixed drinks
2 shots of crown, and some ***
6 oz of champagne
1 lonely beer to kick it off
If not only for a few hours and
I only remember half the night,
Though it was sobering to hear
That another one of my acquaintances
Left this Earth.
I wondered how I'd feel if
I'd ever lose you that way
Or how you'd feel if
You ever lost me that way
But quickly realized
I don't really have you to start out with
And
You pushed me away
I'm not something you "have" anymore.
I remember how many days I cried
As if you were dead
So cheers to this 2014 year
The year I lost four people
Is now past.
Three innocently brought
Into the gates of heaven...
If you believe that sort of thing.
A fourth lost in some interpersonal battles
Living in a world without me
Beginning a new year

I sit and sip slowly
Hot chocolate and tea
To help warm myself inside
When I'm alone and sad.

I wish I could instead
Sip slowly on your love, beauty and grace,
It works so much better
When I'm alone and sad.

I have such a debilitating pain
You helped me deal with it so well
Where are you?
I miss you.
I'm so lonely with out you.

But, I have a debilitating Central Nervous System Disorder, and

My arms, I just want to make them disappear
My legs, they feel like I need to cut them off, they ache so badly
Want to sever my limbs by any means necessary because they hurt me so badly...
My chest, I get rather short of breath, like I just ran a marathon
My back aches like I've been hit with a baseball bat

It is actually quite like you'd feel, after running a marathon, except I don't get better;

Then now,
You're not here to be the pills that ease my pain
You're not here to be the relief when I just want to cry
You're not here to cuddle and comfort me anymore-
Oh wait, I'll have to finish this later

I have a brother screaming at me
I have parents calling me lazy
They don't understand my awful, awful pain
I have new medication to take your place
But sometimes I take too much

They say love is a two way street.
Sometimes love is a one way street littered with parked cars and a hundred people driving the wrong way.

I found myself a friend.
He lives in New Jersey and has never met me.
He is 62.
He and I share interests, and he is an administrator of the forum
Where we go to talk about technology and computing and all that jazz

He just said
When young looks and lust
Are the driving factors,
As you age, temperment and having mutual interests
Become more important.
In later years you want a friend
And partner more but good looks don't hurt the equation!

That's kind of where I'm at, I guess. In my later years...
Either you'll catch up or I'll be fine with non-partnered friends
The kind of friends
You realize walk in an out of your life
When you all grow out on your own

Raine...
What's in a name?
We long knew of our downfall
Our star-crossed love.
As our minds combined,
And our bodies mingled,
We joked we were doomed.

Raine,
What's in a name?
We fell into untouchable love
Our star-crossed love.
As our minds intrigued,
And our bodies harmonized,
We knew we were doomed.

Raine,
What's in a name?
You fell out our wonderful love
Our star-crossed love.
As my mind pleaded,
And my hands entreated,
I found *I was doomed.

It's 2:12 AM...
My head is pounding
My mouth is dry
I'm muttering to myself and
I'm broken.

It's January 9th, 2014.
Your birthday is in three days.
I'm not allowed to come to the party,
Even though you mean more to me than anything else on Earth, and
I'm broken.

I'm not over you.
I don't think I will ever be...
But you say your sexuality is different now,
As if, if I didn't have a ***** maybe things would have turned out differently?
I'm broken.

Everything you say
About her, or about how happy you are about her,
Remind me of the similar things you once told me, so thanks for all those ******* memories...
Nevermind, whatever.
I'm just broken.

You played me a fool.
You tricked me.
You didn't only do that. I...
I believed in you.
But you've broken me.

I sat awake all night thinking of her...
Much similar to many of the last 150 nights...
I have things to tell her and things to ask her.

I wonder to myself if we're ever meant to be...
She tells me no. She gives me no chance...
She has no plans to continue with me, or give me a second try.

She's falling in love with another girl. Yes, I am a boy...
That girl probably has me beat, in a multitude of ways...
That girl probably treats her sweeter than I ever did or ever would.

But I would die for this girl. She became the reason I lived.
I told her my heart beated to satisfy hers...
And it was true.

I've been in a lot of messes with her.
I've gotten myself in a lot of trouble.
I beat her down emotionally until she could barely breathe.

Much like I've been, lately.
There have been days where I want to die.
There have been days where I wish I'd never met her.

But I get past those days...and I still come to live for her.
I know she doesn't want me anymore.
I know things are awkward...that she wants to be friends, but

I can't get over her. It bothers her.
It hurts me to see her with someone else.
Every time I say something though, its a stab in her chest.

Nowadays, she stabs back.
For all of this pain, for all of these feelings, I still wish her the best.
She was my best friend. I know I'm not hers.

This journey's been tough...it has really been hard.
But I'm living for her. I'm living in hope.
Hope I shouldn't have.

I don't know what to do or say. Or how to move forward.
She knows how I feel. But I can't shake these feelings away.
I don't know if I ever will.

Lord, it bothers her so much. It bothers me.
All we do is hurt each other.
I want her to be happy, and she is now without me, but love is such a selfish thing.

I am only a young man. I am only human.
I want to experience the world with her...
And she just wishes I would leave hers alone.

I want to tell her to be okay. Not to worry a bit about me.
But here I am laying awake, until 7AM.
Here I am, life leaving me behind. Opportunities missed.

I miss her everyday. I miss her soft skin, her eyes and her warmth.
I don't know what I did to deserve her, but I know why she didn't stay.
There are better fish in the sea, than me.

But could she survive on me? Why do I even ask?
Why should I try to degrade her life, for my own sake?
I want to be around to make hers better. But someone else does a better job at that.

I've cried and puked for so long now, and did I for nothing.
It doesn't change the fact that she's in someone else's arms.
It doesn't help mine or hers cause.

But she means the world to me.
The giganticism of that statement...
Is the reason I am lonely without her.

My world is so cold, I don't want to live...
Sometimes I tell myself "Well I don't need her anyway!" but sometimes she just...
Means the world to me.

I jokingly told her that all I wanted for Christmas was her.
Unfortunately the statement was true...
And here I am sitting alone on Christmas morning in my bedroom crying over her.

I had things planned for her and I...
Events, road trips...
None of them would necessitate being a couple...but those plans were for us...us.

She wants to be friends, she told me, since I'm so upset...
She told me, "If she even loves me" she loves me like a brother...
Would she be okay spending 7 days hundreds of miles away, sharing a bed with a brother?

I really just want to show her a good time, after all.
She saved my life, became my partner, my life's meaning.
She built me back up and taught me how to love myself. She became my world...

But I really ****** up a lot of things. She inherited a broken me.
She never completely fixed me. There were cracks...
The glue fell apart under the intense heat of moments, under pressure and stress.

I need her though. If only she would come back...
But she's so happy now, as long as I'm not mentioned.
She gets horrid flashbacks, panic attacks, anxiety. She feels broken...

And all I want to do is fix her.
But she has someone else to do that now...someone so much better.
Meanwhile I continue to come undone...

Each day I get a little worse...condemn myself a little more...
Decide to throw away another plan, because she knows my feelings...
And it just wouldn't work.

She means the world to me.
My world is dark now, without her.
I'll love her like this until God knows when...

And that probably means we can't be friends...because she can't enjoy my company...
And when I'm with her, I'm like a bird in a cage, screaming to be let free.
I just want to be able to love the love of my life again.

Every time
I see
A Chevy Malibu
Part of me cringes
And

Every time
I see
A Ford Fusion
Part of me cringes
And

Both are really common vehicles
And

For the longest time, I was afraid to drive
Thinking I might run into one of them
And

When my car was in the shop last week
They gave us a Ford Fusion
And

That really upset me
And

It wasn't just you
But you really finished me off for them
Plus a ton more

I was wrong

I still remember.

(Sweet girl, for your own good, don't read this, please...)

You may not remember, but I still remember.
I remember it all like it's happening again,
I can see the same pictures,
The same views,
The views from all those times,
When I hurt you.

You may not remember,
When we went to see the Akron Youth Orchestras,
At our High School on March 23,
When the Youth Philharmonic played selections from Les Miserables,
When you were singing along to beautifully,
When I was embarrassingly rude.

You may not remember,
But I remember the time I called you in the Spring,
When it was 45 degrees and pouring rain,
When I got mad about something that didn't even matter,
That I made you so upset you ran away from home,
Then suffered horribly in that rain.

You may not remember,
But I remember just after, when the rain dried up some, the next Sunday,
When it was still 45 degrees outside but not pouring rain,
When you and I went for a walk in the cold to go explore,
When we got a little too excited up on that hill, I think you know what hill,
When my fingers noticed the scabs on your arm, how you kept your sleeve pulled down.

You may not remember,
When we came back home, when I saw for sure, when we were on the famous sink-hole couch,
Oh, the look on your face, my heart sunk through the floor, because I knew what I'd done,
That you'd cried awake at night when you lied about being okay, just to make me happy,
You had cut yourself as punishment, when only I deserved punishment.
I still see the look on your face, wrapped in my arms, to my left, I still feel you shaking...

You may not remember,
That evening, how we talked for 4 hours,
How we just held each other, when we both felt so horrible,
When I was dying for hurting you, when you were dying from the pain,
How we both cried together, how I made you promise to never again,
Made you promise to never cut again, if I'd hurt you or left you, because I knew was a monster
(who would hurt you again)...
I still hear your sobbing when you and I were in each others arms in the kitchen...

I remember many more things,
They haunt me more than memories,
Because memories are the recalling of an event,
Recalling of how bad or good it was and nothing more,
But I'm cursed to recall everything as if they are photographs in an album, CDs on a shelf,
I see it all, I hear it all, I feel it all, and I have no goals except to tell you I'm sorry over and over and over...

5:09 AM on no sleep and I feel so uneasy. I'm the furthest from proud of myself, just barely hanging on this month and in the past few days, I've relapsed back to a point I thought I was past 3 months ago. It also just hit me how close I am to losing my grandpa who isn't well. I have become the worst wreck of my life, but I'm still here, still pretending things are alright. Truth is, I lay awake too often until 5 in the morning and I'm probably not alright.

Nothing that happened in the past 12 months helped a thing. My health continues to deteriorate. At least my parents finally showed up in my life and friends to keep me going.

I lost the love of my life and learned I was losing my grandpa too, both of which I loved more than anything on earth. One raised me and the other became the reason I lived.

Speaking of that, I'm running out of reasons to pretend...
"I don't want to live without you..." and next week **** she was gone.
My grandpa doesn't want to die.

I'm spending all of my days in bed
I'm spending all of my time trying way too hard for nothing
I'm spending my energy worrying about something that doesn't matter anymore
I'm spending
I'm spending
I'll soon be spent
All gone
Done.

Okay.
Three words and a period.
I'll disappear now.

I
am
sensitive.

I
am
breakable.

I
am a lousy excuse for
"a man".

I
am a
loser.

I
am someone
misplaced.

...I was selfish.
I I I I I. Me me me me.

I
am not deserving of
you.

I love you
But I'm giving up now
I'm giving up on myself and my ability to love you
Since you gave up on it and I can't help but trust you
Because I trusted you

I love you
But I think I'm done trying now
It hurts me so much when you ignore me
That I don't even know why I bother you because I know I probably bother you
Because ...I love you

I love you
But I don't love myself anymore
Its crazy because I loved myself only a month ago but I've learned more about myself since then
Now that I see what I did to you I don't even think I'm worth your having anymore
Because I hurt you

I love you
But I don't know how to love you
I think I do now but only how I should have before and not how you'd like me to now
By "moving on from you" and becoming "happy" again because I don't know how to
Because I promised you

I love you
But you gave me your happy
I drained you of your happy but its okay now because you've taken it back and
You're happy now and I'm sad just like I was before I met you and that's a very good thing
Because I want to see you happy

Take the following for what it is. Feelings are real and people are people and everyone is human and people forget that. I wrote this while upset, but really, I can't deny its truth. It applies to any people who find themselves depressed as a result of traumatic experiences with loved ones.

...
I don't care what anyone says. I wish every day that the best friend I ever had was still here. Those memories, the fondest of my life, I can't get out of my head. But...

That center of my life tore me up and threw me away. Nobody ever lied to me worse in my life. It was so extreme, that for a very long time it was incomprehensible to the point of mental breakdown. Do you know how stupid it is to want to die, because of only one other soul on this earth? How could anyone give up so much control? Yet, victims of bullying, discrimination, and unfortunate circumstances **** themselves every day. Don't they realize that others love them? Others care, but when you assign so much importance to someone who makes you so happy who then deceived you, your world and your senses can collapse into the most narrow of views.

The problem is, that when someone who means the world to you, does terrible, horrible things, it is too ****** hard to make yourself believe they're terrible for the sake of moving on. Your mind won't let you, for all the reasons they meant so much to you in the first place. You end up blaming yourself, or at the very least, find yourself in a perpetual argument which drives yourself insane because of so many memories you cannot erase.

I blame myself. But I don't. But I do. But I don't. But I do. But I don't.
Let me tell you, the pain can become excruciating beyond overwhelming.

Welcome to hell. Population: 1.

"I love them..." "I miss them..." "I need them..."
You just wish they weren't the crap they ended up being in the end.
You try to turn around the depression you have because they're gone by reassuring yourself that you DON'T need them because of all they've done to hurt you, shame you, even threaten your existence or show you they don't care.

Immediately afterwards you look down upon yourself because you can't stand thinking badly about the love of your life.

But then you remember all the promises you made them. How you told them you'd never break those promises.

You wait in hell for ever but that angel isn't coming to save you. She plays two roles...she's also the one that made the cage that keeps you there.

My angel reassures me with such a crooked smile that I belong in hell.
I still down here stuck between a river of thoughts ranging from "I wish she was dead" and "I wish she was here". The latter sometimes includes crying to the point of throwing up. The first makes ME feel like the terrible one.

I took blame for more than I did. She has yet to comprehend a fraction of what she herself did to me. I made mistakes. I did. I confessed. I was so sorry. I still am, kind of... She was very deliberate. She insisted over and over her actions weren't mistakes. I think she was trying to **** me. I know I tried to **** me.

I'll never have peace...

The only thing
I want to remember
About math class
Is the way
Your fingers...
How they traced patterns
Up and down
The square of my back
Between 1:25 and 2:15
5 days a week
And all of the security you gave me
When I would turn around
To see your gorgeous smile
And hold your precious hand

I'm stuck.

I want to be your partner.
The kind of partner that calms you when you're sad
And further cheers you when you're already happy.

I want to be your life.
I want to be the reason you wake up.
Something that makes you happy.

I want to be your friend, too.
You were my best friend. I naturally open up to you.
But I'm afraid too, and I'm hurt too, and well, you weren't very mindful of my feelings...

I want to be your desire again.
I know you needed someone, and...well,
I know she treats you well. I know you're happy with her. But I really do feel replaced...

I want to be your comfort.
I try my best. I'll never stop trying.
But I can't ignore my feelings...

I wanted to go slow too...
To start, just be friends...
But you turned on me. You lost all your respect for me...when I needed you most.

It hurts to see you with someone else.
Please, put yourself in my shoes...
I don't hate you for what you've done...I just wish you hadn't.

Truth is
I'm afraid of heights
I have that sinking feeling
Like you get before drop on a rollercoaster
But I'm not strapped in
My stomach is ramming itself up my throat
My eyes are watering
I'm making this face like I'm so absolutely terrified
The people look like ants
I'm about to go splat
I'm afraid

258 days,

August
Between July and August,
I think I said the dumbest things I've ever said to any organism that breathes, ever.
Ever.
I went so crazy throughout the summer.
I kept missing Nick.
I told you such horrible ****. I should really just ******* **** myself for what I told you.
I seriously told you I only was with you because you'd probably hurt yourself.
I seriously told you that fair wasn't important.
I threw hissy fits over not hanging out. When it was mostly my fault anyway.
Doesn't that just prove how awful I am
...
You know, I'll probably treat the next girl to stumble into my heart bad too.
I'm a bad person.
Surely I will, because I'll never get over you, who I called my soul mate...
So how could I treat the next person well?
Instead, to save everyone the trouble,
I should probably just **** myself. Really.
But I can't push myself to do it,
Because that seems like an easy way out of this pain
That's a way out of my pain.
I need to keep living this life I'm in now
I need to keep suffering and dying, without you.
I've convinced myself I deserve it.
My life is so awful, that I consider living normally a form of self harm...

So anyway...

I kind of took Brandon under my wing, as he missed Nick too, even more than I did,
I spent way more time with Brandon, than I did with you.
I'm sorry I did so. He felt so guilty, for not going over there, how he or I could have saved him.

I spent the whole first week of this month out of state too.
Hold on, rewind the tape.
I told you what you were doing was unimportant
Yet I was out of state at a country music festival and that was supposed to be important?
I was so ******* stupid.

It was only then that I realized how ******* horrible I was to you. When I finally started piecing this whole thing together.

I can't blame your parents for jack squat.
I don't blame your friends.
I don't blame that girl you're falling for, that picked you up,
Because you needed picked up.
I still can't believe what I did to you.

Invited you over on my brothers birthday,
I would be moving into my parents house soon, and I wanted you to meet them
You smeared icing on my nose,
I got you back.
My grandparents were there, and things were moderately happy.
At least, okay...

Then I saw the scars on your arm.
Then I lost my cool.
Then when I drove you home,
I drove as if I was dropping you off at the ******* hospital like you were ******* dying
And after I dropped you off
I drove like I was ******* suicidal

It was my fault you relapsed
I'll always blame myself
Because I treated you like ******* ****
And I can't not blame myself.
I can't blame you for anything looking back
Because all I did was tear you up and let you down
I told you it was okay.
You didn't believe me...
Meanwhile I was fuming,
Some because of the promise you made me
But really, because all I'd ever done was **** things up
I can't blame this on your parents.
I can't blame you.

That's August.

What
is
breathing?

Do you
hear me
heaving?

Do you
see me
sinking?

Will you
be
reprieving?

in
out
in
out.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8.­..9...
in
out
in
out
1...2...3...4...5...6...
inhale
exhale
inhal­e
exhale
on 3
1..2..3...
-----------------------
"Hello, 911, what's your emergency?"

Nobody
Sees
How
The
Tears
Weep
For
You
From
My
****
Brown
Eyes

My grandpa died last September
A new girl has come and gone much the same as the girl I was hung up on before
Something tells me I'm not alright

Sometimes I feel ready,

To surrender,
As if God, or mother nature, (or whatever you may / may not believe in, I'm terrified to offend)
Would just take me off this Earth,
And I'd be okay,
Knowing I've lived more pain than the fullest of lives, at "ripe"...18.

Sometimes I feel ready,

To surrender,
Like I'll forever be a servant, that I'll spend my days making everyone else happy,
That I'll never speak my mind again, because when I did, it didn't make people happy, and, and,
And I'd be okay,
Knowing people wouldn't hate me, that I wouldn't have this pain.

Sometimes.
Sometimes.
Sometimes.
Sometimes.
Sometimes.

Sorry, I lost my cool there for a second.

Sometimes I hope,
I hope someone comes by soon to save me, to see me as who I am, and to love me for me,
Because I just got crushed so badly by someone who told me they loved me for me,
That they always would,
Telling me they loved everything about me, the true me, who I am.

Sometimes I believe,
I believe the above is true, but the truth is, that nobody should die young,
Be it the kids getting high or the kids being beaten or
The kids whose minds withstood,
The types and masses of psychological cruelty usually only reserved for killers.

Sometimes I believe,
I am not a prisoner, that I am a free man, that I live in a free world, that I'm allowed to be me,
But then those beliefs quickly fall because I am not free
I am restricted, kept away,
From the only thing I ever wanted, the most amazing thing to happen in my life.

Sometimes I realize,
I'm not supposed to surrender, but I still want to surrender, the kind of surrender,
That makes those people smile in their last moments
That makes people happy to end their pain,
But I know certainly, suicide is weak, because the living hate on those who seek death, as if they know.

Sometimes the above stanza,
Is how I am when I'm weak, but I realize, I don't want to die, but I don't want to live,
It's such a crazy thing to not want to die or live
The feeling that you're wasting space for ever existing,
Like it would have been better for you and the world too if you'd just never been born to breathe the air.

Die or live
Die or live
Die or live
Die or live
Die or live

I repeated that for hours monotonously one night,
When I didn't want to die or live, because I really wanted to live, but I didn't want to live this,
But on the flip side, I really wanted to die, because I didn't want to live this,
But then I stopped, I stopped my crying,
My arms, hands, face so numb from hyperventilating.

I stopped, I mean stopped,
I stopped wanting to live, wanting to die, wanting to not die, wanting to not live, wanting to not not,
I got up to grab a glass of water to chase down the freak show I'd just watched and
As sipped my water, I stopped.
I stopped to stare,
At nothing in the dark,
And proceeded to cause new feelings.

I just feel like
You're going to think its really weird
My desires to hug you
And hold your hand
And cuddle

I just feel like
You're going to get upset with me
And push me away again
And run off with her
I'm afraid

I'm hurt too
I needed you and I need you
But not exactly in the ways you're accepting to
I feel like I'm going to **** you off...
You don't need me anymore...

You don't want me anymore...

Wrote you a note
A note on a napkin
15 things I'll always love
About you
Everything I could make fit
It was kind of condensed
But its message was clear
Not sure if you still have it
But I still have a typed copy
Goes a little like this

Front says
"You're wonderful"

Back says
"15 things I'll always love about you"
1. The way you show your love. You go out of your way to do it.
2. Your cute smile. Even with the sad puppy dog eyes.
3. Your strength. You've put up with so much. Especially from me.
4. Your persistence. You continue to stick by me when no other will.
5. Your tolerance. I've been silly. Wacky. Crazy. You still loved me.
6. Your beauty. Cutest girl ever. I didn't deserve you.
7. The memories you have given me. I'll cherish you forever...
8. Your happiness. I miss it. I want you to be happy. With or without me.
9. Your cute mannerisms. The things you've said. The way your eyes look into mine. The way you held my hand. The hugs.
10. The last 9 months. I remember the first time we kissed...I fell so hard.
11. Your humbleness. You always put others before yourself. I admire it.
12. Your support. You've helped me through one of the darkest times of my life.
13. Your mind in general. All of it. Good, bad, whatever. I always come to understand.
14. Your body. You might complain, but it is uniquely yours, and you are amazing.
15. Everything. This list doesn't begin to touch everything I love about you.
...

They were all so true
I'll never be able to go back on it
I know you want me to
I know you want me to move on
But the napkin clearly said
"Always"

There's a lump in my throat
Seven Nation Army is playing
And I'm talking to myself tonight
Because I can't forget
How she took her time right behind my back
And it goes back and forth through my mind
As I sit behind my cigarette
The tears dropping from my eyes scream
"Leave it alone"
The terribly thump in my chest
It won't leave me alone

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

­Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

­Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

­Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

­Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

­Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please
o­KAY
I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

Stay alive

Stay alive

Stay alive

Stay alive

Stay alive

Stay alive

Stay alive

Stay alive

Stay alive

Stay alive

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I'm full of ****

No I'm not

I'm full of ****

No I'm not

I'm full of ****

No I'm not

Stop

Stop

Stop

Stop

Stop

Stop

Stop

Stop

The last 19 poems I wrote
In the last 3 hours
Are like a bad cartoon

The first ones are like title cards, intro cards, and short 1-slide segments
The last ones are the meat and potatoes of the show

The pilot of a bad cartoon

Children,
Don't listen to them.
Don't take the medication.
Don't do drugs.
They're mind controlling you.
I'm on drugs right now,
And I realize I'm only another numb slave in society on this ****.
Its okay to have feelings, children.

Its okay to feel pain.
Its okay to hurt.
The medication is horrible
Even though its bliss.
I know better.

Have you ever had an email bounce?
When an email is undelivered, it's called a bounce.

When I'm crying my eyes out,
Suffocating, and my stomach is expelling it's contents

You listen and help me.
You try to comfort me and you tell me I'm not as horrible as I feel...

When I've calmed down enough to approach you
And simply talk in an honest tone about my feelings,

It's like my statements bounce, it's as if they don't sink in...
When I'm upset, you think about what you've done...you start understanding...

When I tell you I'm calm, sometimes you don't even bother to respond...
Panic attack ensues...

Bouncing all over, my words and my feelings...
Soon I'll find my way into the street to be hit or run over.