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652 · Jan 2014
Delete
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
That button doesn't do much for someone else's mind.
Goes both ways.
Wreck me more, I deserve it.
Just take me to the recycling center afterwards
And I'll pray
Not to be sold as scrap metal.
Worthless
651 · Dec 2013
Soju
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
I know what I'm going to do
About two and a half years from now
I'm going to order a case of Soju

Maybe two cases
One Jinro and one Lotte
Just to switch things up

Tastes similar to Purell
Strong stuff, burns your nose
Two bottles will knock you out

Same stuff my mom drank
When she locked my brother
In the ******* bathroom

Same stuff my aunts drank
When they kicked me as
I hid under a blanket

Same stuff I sneaked shots of
A few years ago, when my mom
Was depressed and decided to drink again
Cheers to --
649 · Jan 2014
Love
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
True love
Real love
Wholesome love, in love.
Lifetime of love.
Hooked on loving.

Love everything about you.
Love the bad things, too.
Love them because I understand why.
Love them because I can see the thought process.
Love the beauty in your functioning.

Would love to help you...to be your relief from the pressure.
To talk through your life, help reverse confusion of your troubled mind.
Because I get it. I understand. I know your feelings, your reactions, what makes you happy.
You don't see it, but I get it. I know that's not much proof, but
I know you better than I know myself. Better than I know anyone.
Love is the wrong word to describe how I feel about you.
"I care about you" is much too insignificant.
You're the world, to me...
And I feel like nothing, to you.
If only you'd give me another chance some day.
I'd take you on the ride of your life.
649 · Feb 2014
What is sexuality, anyway?
Sam Conrad Feb 2014
An old friend of mine I hadn't talked to in over two years,
Asked me today if I ever got the *** change I was talking about.
I remember two years back when I was unsure about myself...
Unsure about my sexuality or who I was born to be.
How uncomfortable I was in my own skin, how unhappy I was with my life.
It was a weird time for me, I felt alienated toward my girlfriend at that time,
I started developing crushes...on...boys, and I didn't know what was going on.
I mean, the thought of loving a guy that way was kind of freaky but,
Sometimes I said "I think I'm gay" and other times I said "There's no way"
But then I just realized- I love people for being people.
I love the people inside, with a preference for females.
And let me say, I fell in love with you.
I did a lot more than fall in love with you.
And when I said I "appreciated your anatomy" it wasn't because I wanted
...to *******.
It was because God, or nature, or whatever made you that way,
and I thought you were beautiful even when you didn't think you were.
Back on the topic of when I thought I was gay,
I just think the thought of taking **** up the *** is a bit too traumatizing.

You know, as I got to know you more, I noticed so many similarities...
You don't believe it anymore but I think we could still be true.
I know that you really, really loved me at one point, so...
Who says you can't love me again? You? Your new realizations?
You loved me once. The way you loved me, I know was not false.
I could read it in your lips, expressions, I could feel your beating heart.
The way we squirmed with hands all over in those moments alone.

P.S. I had a ***** then, too.
648 · Dec 2013
Echoes In My Mind
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
I'm beginning to forget the sound of your voice
But your words still echo in my head
When you pleaded with me
Pleaded and pleaded with me
At 2 in the morning
If we could just go back
If we could just go back to what we were when
Happy
We were so happy
But I told you no
That I couldn't handle it
And I was really stupid, so so stupid

Now I'm the one pleading
And you don't even listen
Or apologize
You just don't answer

I'm in the dark alone and I'm scared
While you're outside
With a padlock on the door
That keeps me chained up in your mind
And you're meeting new people
You met her
She sounds amazing

I hope she's everything to you
I hope she's everything I couldn't be for you

Echoes

Echoes in my head
They won't leave me be
I need help but I also need you
I know you're not mean
I know you're kind
I know you're an amazing girl, an amazing young woman, and you'll accomplish amazing things

But I want to be there
I want to see it
So bad, so bad...

Echoes
642 · Jan 2014
sleepless night
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
6:17 AM on a careless Saturday morning
I roll over in my bed to write about
Another sleepless night.
I spent thinking of you.

I thought we had a future, and
I can't help but fantasize because
You're everything I ever wanted
And all I'll ever need...

But you're gone now, and happy in the new place you're in...
And I'm sitting all alone...
You want to be friends...but
Sometimes sitting right across from you now

All I can do is realize how alone I really am...
Because the person there...she
Isn't going to cuddle and kiss my pain away like she used to.
She doesn't want to touch me anymore.

I wish I knew how to make you come back to me...
But only father time knows if you will.
I want you to know how I feel though...
These feelings are almost too great to bear.

But I'll spend these sleepless nights
Wondering if you'll be there.
635 · Nov 2013
Apparently I Don't Love You
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
It was a shock of news,
When you reprimanded me
For "talking to your friends", like I was annoying them, as if
I was bothering people you say you "took for granted" and now you're sticking up for them
Like I was just a nuisance

It was a shock of news,
Since you changed since talking to me
When you understood my POV, that I don't love you like I used to, and I'm in the same boat,
But now you've "moved on"?, (from what?) and you can't go "backwards"?
Like you think all I want is to go back to before, which is so freaking wrong because I don't

It was a shock of news,
Since I went back to those people, "your friends"
After your claims, and they couldn't see either where you were coming from,
Because one grew up with me, and the other is now my best friend
The first one, I don't think you realize the history there and the second one is my best friend

It was a shock of news,
For you to assume, I've been bothering "your friends"
Because of you, but I don't think you realize, that they are good people,
And I like good people, so seriously, quit claiming they're only your friends and not mine
Because the boy you flirted with so much who drove you home all the time was my friend too

And I didn't even talk to him much, or even mention you
Because I really like him as a person and I took him for granted when I was with you
Just like you took people for granted and now you're trying to care about them
And now I'm trying to stay in touch with my friends, even the distant ones,
As I tried to stay the hell away from you, just like you've been doing to me

It was a shock of news,
When you blocked me out completely
For you're "not in love with me anymore", and you're broken, just like I've been broken,
And I too, am numb and not in love, seriously, I'm not in love with you
But I kept saying I love you, because at least I know you try, even though you don't open your eyes
I know you're kind and sweet to people and you're building yourself up
But quit tearing me down in the process

When I tell you the truth
When it's right in front of you

So apparently, I don't love you
Maybe this hurts you
Like you keep hurting me
But open your eyes for god's sakes
Follow your own beliefs, quit the double standards
And understand I'm not in love with you when I say I love you
630 · Nov 2013
Life On Fire
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
I was laying last night,
Laying on my couch,
Cuddling with a blanket
That should have been you.

While I laid,
I watched the most amazing documentary,
About the almost perpetually vivid lives of Alaskan Sockeye Salmon
But it wasn't with you.

I found out,
The documentary is one of a series,
Suitably named, "Life On Fire:" as if they were created only to hold me by
When my life is on fire

--without you.
621 · Jul 2014
Why would I even
Sam Conrad Jul 2014
Why would I even want
Why would I even care
Why would I even live
Why would I even need
Why would I even know

Someone who lied, cheat and bullied, me?
No words no words no words no words
619 · Dec 2013
How did you feel?
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
How did you feel during those months?
Is it anything like I feel now?
Did you lay in bed, dead until the Sun went down?
Did you lay awake at night weeping tears (and maybe liquid crimson out of scarlet marks?)
Did you lose your desire to do what you love?
Did you forget who you were, what you stood for, and what you wanted to do?
Did you have post-traumatic stress, get anxiety and panic attacks when reminded of me?
Did you get angry, and then guilty afterwards, did you miss me, but hate me too?

Did you forget how you learned to love the simple things in life?
The shining sun, the green grass, the birds chirping?

This is really a poem about how I've been.
Not really a poem
617 · Dec 2013
Anxiety
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Sent you some messages
Hope you read them
Slowly and thoughtfully

I was okay for a bit
Ate my dinner,
A nice light salad

Thought I was okay
Until a horrible pain
Came over my chest

The anxiety unbearable
My heart it trembles
I can't even breathe

I don't know why I love you
But I can't stop
Though I pretend to

I'm tired of pretending
I'm living a lie
You don't love me

You never will love me
I don't know what
I'm good for, anymore

Why is it that
When I puked it up a minute ago
All I could think of

Are people less fortunate
Than me that deserved
That meal instead of me
Pain is something I would rather feel than feel nothing at all
I will hold on with a hope
A kind of hopeless hope that keeps me alive
614 · Jan 2014
Train
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
A train
Hit me.

I am
A train wreck.
605 · Nov 2013
How Dare You
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
How Dare You

Now this is gonna sound mean,
But how dare you tell me what to do like that
First of all you don't understand
Yes I know you have feelings
But why would you make assumptions
When I'd never lie to you

How dare you
Tell me to get over you
When I was already moving on
When I was trying to do
Exactly what you were doing

How dare you
Think you're thinking for yourself
When really you're only seeking
Seeking for everyone's approval
To build yourself up

How dare you
Tell me it's nobody else who influenced you
When all you do is ask them what to do
So you can learn their ways
How to be happy and what to do

Now seriously
I understand okay
I understand it's hard and you need help
But seriously
Some people aren't always right, not like I am either

Yes they care
But you don't realize
Nothing we ever think in these things
Is actually us
Because someone's behind us with advice or direction or understanding

You talk about how
Everyone uses you
How they manipulate your feelings
It's true
Like even when you think you won't be manipulated anymore you're actually seeking it
And you seek manipulation, you just don't look at it that way
But I get it. I know you, like the back of my hand, okay?
I've been given countless hours to do nothing but torture myself thinking but now I see the light, and
I know your childhood and I know your past.
I know how you need to move on
I know how you've struggled to think for yourself
Like you said how you got panic attacks
When I asked what you wanted to do on a date
Or how you spend 90% of your lunch time thinking about what you want for lunch

So again, just open your eyes for god's sakes
Because I'm not here to tell you what to do like everyone else
I'm here to help you think for yourself
But it's not like I don't have thoughts too
I just want you to decide for yourself for once
But you think you are
Except you don't even know you're not, so
Maybe someday, a few years down the road, you'll come back to me and realize it but

I guess you'll never know how much I really care about you
Like I'll always care about you, seriously
I'll always love you and yes I know you're vulnerable
You're really vulnerable, even to me, to falling in love with me again, or just being hurt by me again,
And I understand why you keep your distance
I understand why you keep telling me you need time and you're trying and you're being happier
But seriously, when you say I understand you better than you do
What the hell do you mean
Because it seems I really do
And you don't understand me OR you
So let me help you
Or keep me away then, but if so,

How dare you
603 · Nov 2013
These Rooms
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
So imagine for a second,

Imagine we're in the same room.
No, not the same room.
Identical rooms, but still the same room.
Rooms next to each other.
Right next to each other but we can't hear each other.

You designed these rooms.
You designed them for you, and the walls are black, there are no windows
Only one uncomfortable stool, light bulb hanging from the ceiling, a single cup of water
You designed these rooms so that you could get away,
You got away from the words you couldn't handle, both truths and lies, to be alone.
And you included the cup of water, because you've become a cactus starving for water and
You included the water because it will last you until you've grown.

I got my own little room too, the one next to you.
You built these rooms to grow,
But your walls move out, as you find who you are, and you forgot my cup of water and
And you're growing yourself, the right way this time and
But I'm still a human being and I still have feelings and I'm not a cactus yet and still starving for water
But my walls close in, and I have no water, and the light bulb is a crayon drawing and I trip on the stool
Because of the crayon drawing you thought would make me feel better but I can't even see it in the dark

So imagine for a second,
These rooms.
602 · Jan 2014
Rewrite
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Tears run down
My despicable face
It's not ugly
It's worse
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
So those last string of poems will be the basis of the contents of my book.

The title will be
"****** Up:
258 Days Between Heaven and Hell, Fighting An Angel With My Own Personal Demons"

I don't think I'll ever live it down.
595 · Dec 2013
Field of grass
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Sitting cross-legged in a field of grass
Sun glimmers through the trees
Eyes closed, breathing with the flow of the wind
Hands planted on my thighs
A deer gazes from up on the hill, 1000 feet away
Continue to breathe with the flow of the wind
Three feet in front, a female mirror, my best friend
Doing all the same, breathing with the flow of the wind
No words, only the sound of our breaths and the leaves rustling in the trees
No lust, instead of one with each other we become once become one of the same
Separate people
Similar struggles
Finally found the calm
How I long for her. Regardless of what happens, I will be there for her.
592 · Jan 2014
And die
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
I can tell
You're really starting
To become annoyed
With me
So I should
I should just disappear
Maybe you can finally be happy
If I would just vanish
Or if I would just perish
And die
591 · Nov 2013
Like I'm A Liar
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
Every time I read what you first said to me,
I get so ridiculously confused,
Because you already knew I was talking to people,
You knew I'd been
Getting help from the people I'd been talking to.

I said it to your face on a Friday evening outside the building,
When you and I talked about everything,
"I'm talking to Person X and she's helping me a lot"
"I've been talking to Person Y too, she seems to understand"
You went inside to give Person X a hug for "doing a good job"

Unprompted, a message:
"Hey, it's me. I've been told that you keep messaging my friends and
I haven't had the heart to message you back. You need to move on from me."

Let me tell you something,
What you did was horrible.
If your message was warranted, okay
But it wasn't, like I don't know what the hell you're believing
"I've been told that you keep messaging"

What bull, who did you hear it from?
MY OWN MOUTH? WHEN YOU KISSED ME?
How great of you to move on and protect your friends, the ones you said "Feed you sh*t"
What the hell were you protecting
The chance that I'd start feeling better?

I found a huge friend in Person X
I'd been friends for years with Person Y.
Everyone else had jack squat to do with you
Except that girl that works with you
Who I asked to tell you "HELLO" and that "I HOPE YOU'RE DOING WELL"

Who were your mysterious friends
Those friends I "kept messaging"
Why did you treat me like
I was annoying all your friends
Because what hurt me more than you

Was that you acted

Like I'm a liar
588 · Jan 2014
Made my day
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Thank you
For spending an hour of your time with me today
You made my day
You always make my day
You're the only thing I want
And I guess I'm just
I must be addicted to you
Nowadays
You're the only thing that makes me feel
Except
The feelings are awful
But I'd rather cry the tears,
Than know you're not there at all...
You're right...
You're not good for me...
But you could be...
But you won't be...
But
Thanks
Thank you, best friend
You made my day today
I didn't lay in my bed
And cry tears over you today
You made my day instead
I...
I think I've lost all my desire to...live...
Sam Conrad Apr 2014
I didn't love her for her body or her beauty.
I loved her for her.
I loved the way she looked into my eyes, not the way her beautiful eyes sparkled.
I loved her thoughts, ideas, feelings and actions much more than anything related to her gorgeous body.
I loved her for kissing me, not because she was a good kisser.
I loved the good and bad and all. It's good to have some differences.
I miss those differences. I promised myself I'd learn to love them and now I'm all alone.
I wanted to live the rest of my life by her side, to wake up with her, hold her in my arms through all of life's struggles.
I promised her I'd always be there, that I'd always love her.
She promised me too.
She says she doesn't love me at all, anymore.
"I'm lesbian and I could never have had *** with you," she told me after deserting me, and apparently all men.
Maybe I didn't want to have *** with her anyways.
I never would have left her for such reasons.
It is, wasn't, and never will be an importance to have *** with someone so special as her.
"Don't pretend", she says. "Even if it's not everything, that's still important"
Well, why do I still say I'd do anything for that girl? Why to I want to kiss her, not because she's attractive to me, but because I have things to tell her that only my lips could tell?
She hasn't looked my way for a while now. I don't exist to her anymore, and she couldn't be happier.
I've not seen her in almost half a year.
She's not been mine for longer than that.
I wonder if she understood what I meant...
I wouldn't just do anything to get her to be mine again,
I'd do anything for her.
Sometimes love is a one way street.
I'm all alone and blind, going the wrong way up it.
I'd say it's a matter of time before something hits me.
583 · Dec 2013
258 days, May
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
258 days,

May
May was a good month. Our only "good month".
If you can even call it good.
We fell more in love than I would have ever believed.
You made me believe.
I started to believe that the storm was over.
That I could finally write a new chapter with you.
That you could write new chapters too.
You told me you threw away your blades. (To this day, I don't know if you ever did)
You told me you'd love me forever.
I told you I'd love you forever.
We told each other we'd love each other forever.
May was intense.
My feelings for you had never been stronger.
Sweet girl, I wish I could relive May for the rest of my life, that when I'd wake up from it,
It would be the beginning of May again...
I think one week you and I spent every single day together
We were spending a lot of time together
Word on the street though was that your grades had been slipping.
Word...on...grades...slipping.
I remember coming over and your mom asking about it
She wasn't really being that mean
I just took it too harshly I guess.
Your parents seemed a little upset that we were spending so much time together.
You needed to focus on your school work, they said.
We did our thing though.
Somewhere in between April and May, a hickey...I gave you one...I had one too
Your mom called me a vampire.
She made jokes about it like every second I was in the car, or in the house (when Ray wasn't there, anyway)
Gave me a little warning not to do it anymore.
So I guess near the middle of May, a hickey appeared on your neck
I'd been making sure not to bite, so I don't know how it got there. Maybe it was just a bruise?
Your mom wasn't so kind this time around.  She warned that next time she was telling Ray. She seemed angry, but seemed to let it slide.
Did I mention I freaked out a little?
I'm overly sensitive.

Going through the rest of May though was bliss with you. We made some more ****** advances...
We just made sure to be careful about them.
Except we weren't ACTUALLY careful.
At all.
Nope.

I still remember May 24th...graduation day, kissed your stomach. What the **** was I doing?

So that was May.
575 · Apr 2014
Pretend it isn't suicide.
Sam Conrad Apr 2014
Let me tell a story about how to be crazy.

So its 3 AM.
You're dreaming in the past, but wide awake. Stomach unsettled, tears rolling down face. Its been forever. Months. Coming on a year. Maybe more. You've been here before. All alone. Various locations and times in your life, but all the same result. You cared about someone more than you thought you could care for anything, and they deserted you, turned their back on you, or decided to hate you. Parents, brother, sister, maybe best friends, or this time the love of your life. That person you found yourself infinitely happy with, who you never thought would leave your side. You question now for the ten thousandth time, why? All over again, the flashbacks cycle through your head. Good memories, bad ones. Ranging from wonderful euphoria to feelings after grave mistakes. A mental rollercoaster ride you strapped yourself into for no reason at all. Things they said, things you said. You find that your head is a broken record which never falters in recollection or account. All these memories, a timeless and photographic archive kept for no other reason than to torment you for the rest of your life. You relive a once familiar face spewing terrible factoid after factoid after factoid, which depending on perspective, or if you must be God or not, are either completely baseless opinions, or maybe totally true. You hear that loved one's voice talk terribly about you again, that same one who once whispered in your ear with such a tenderness of care and love. You go ahead and remind yourself that they now almost act like they never loved you or as if they were only the victim of your completely heinous crimes. As if it were ever news to you. You remember that just before that time, you'd already confessed before the conviction. They wouldn't let you take the blame at the time, but then threw you completely under the bus as if you all of the sudden, needed to be punished for being so absolutely terrible. You had already suffered enough. You were going nuts, you put yourself through so much pain and got so low over things barely of your doing because you wanted things to be alright. You remember confessing to them, owning up to every mistake you could think of, and even things you couldn't control...apologizing for things people said you did, but didn't even do. Promising and pleading to make things right. Promising yourself to never leave their side. That you'd always have their back. But now, you go back to remember that the things you promised were seen as nothing. If they meant something to that person once, they mean nothing now. You remember how their parents talked to you like you were worse than trash, forced a breakup. When you had only tried to piece it all together and came back to your love, they were tired of your "excuses". They even wound up thanking their parents for driving you to the edge of suicide and left you to die when they were the only thing you had left. Did I mention that only weeks after telling you they'd wait for you, after their parents forcefully broke you up, would always think the world of you, would always love you, and always want you, they decided they don't even like your gender? Now, time goes by. Those things are gone. You recreate them in your head over and over because they never did turn out alright. You try to find out what you could have done to change the result. You never got your closure and you became nothing but bad memories and the topic of gossip. The last time you tried to talk to the person about it, they told you they were tired of having to explain themselves to you, but they didnt explain anything at all except reminding you that you treated them like ****, that they're never coming back, and that they're gloriously happy with someone else. They are tired of you shifting blame on them, and telling them they almost killed you with the things the way they dumped you. After all, you almost committed suicide a dozen times. They reiterate to you for good measure, that they don't like your gender. It makes you feel disturbed as you flashback to things you did alone together. You question what was real. They tell you they could never have had *** with you, and act like it is a big deal to you. No matter what you say you can't get them to budge. Its odd to you because you already had a form of *** with them - multiple times, and they appeared to like it. Going down on her was a bit of a one way deal, but what made you happy was being able to pleasure her, and you were satisfied with that. There was never any real craving for more. Besides...you loved them, not their ****** anatomy. You thought it was mutual. You thought you were clear. You thought they were honest. Somehow now though, in their mind, they finally stomped you down. As if you were some terribly controlling brainwashing freak... they finally got away from your control and were proud to do so. The control they and their family and friends all made up for you in their heads. Just like how their mother told you that "you never did anything except **** with her head". You know you genuinely loved that girl. You know your promises were real when everyone told her you were full of ****. You remember in the last of the better days, pleading for that person to just be honest and be themselves amid so much ******* and chaos. Meanwhile people including the love of your life are completely moving on because they couldn't care less than to stop for your ****. Your life is whizzing by you. That person that hurt you, or lets say, you hurt, may never speak a word to you again, yet you continue to dwell on things you couldn't change. There are millions of fish in the sea, and you're determined to starve yourself dead before you let that one get away. Little do you know it was caught by someone else months ago and you'll never get it back. You'll just keep trying until you die because then you can pretend it isn't suicide.
Its 3 AM, ******. Sleep well. Enjoy your girlfriend. The one you obliterated me for.
I'd still do anything for you despite the fact that you're the big influence as to why I periodically have suicidal thoughts, the worst panic attacks of my life and began smoking.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Tell me whatever you want.
Tell me you've moved on.
Tell me you love her.
Tell me you can't handle me.
Tell me you can't handle the thought of me.

Build yourself up but throw me in jail.
Lock me up, let me be your biggest fear, do not think or speak of me.
When all I want to be is your teddy bear, I learned to be a teddy bear.
Your teddy bear, that's all I want to be.
Quiet and still, to be your teddy bear.
558 · Dec 2013
What will happen to me?
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
What will happen to me?
I can not breathe,
I am not productive,
And I usually say that I don't want to live anymore.

What did it mean to you?
When I said you were the reason I lived?
When I told you I was committed?
When I told you I loved you more than anything on Earth?

Why was I not enough?
I made mistakes, but my hand was forced...
People placed thoughts in my head...
I grew them and blew everything up

Just like my love for you blew up
Just like now how I feel okay talking to you (because it comes naturally)
But when you talk about her I just want to die?

What will happen to me?
Will more pills will help let me pretend I don't have this problem?
Swallowing extra extra extra doses of pain killers for the wrong kind of pain?

I have lots to look forward to, but
Remember those times when I said you made the rest of the world disappear?
It works in the opposite too...

Earlier I wanted to die again
While 4 hours ago I felt fine to hang out with you.
Until I get to see how someone else has taken my place in what I used to be to you.
You're gonna be the death of me...
556 · Jan 2014
Pardon the interruption
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Please pardon the interruption
I need to go try something new and awful
To make myself feel again
Be back later maybe
551 · Dec 2013
Escorted
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
I don't know why I got caught up
In the ideas of this world
Where we think happiness can be bought

I don't know why I thought
You needed to prove things to me
I'm perplexed by myself I don't know what got into me

I don't know why I thought
You weren't perfect the way you were
I did sometimes and other times didn't, but I know which side I'll stick on

You're the kind of person
That can't be bought by petty words
You're the prize I can't touch
That sits on the wall in the back
Of my life's carnival game
I'm the kid, and I played until I broke it and
Then I'd never be able to take you home
I was told to go home and I fought until
Escorted off the property
547 · Dec 2013
Choking
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
It's like I'm breathing all the smoke
When the house is on fire
545 · Dec 2013
River Of Words / Drought
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Sometimes I'm a river of words
Sometimes I flow with logic and wisdom and knowledge
Sometimes I flow with emotions both good bad, sad, happy, glad and mad (I'm sorry)
Sometimes

But sometimes

Sometimes I'm a drought
Sometimes I am all dried up and I don't flow
Sometimes I **** all the plants and all the life and any chance of living and happiness
Sometimes
544 · Jan 2014
Blog
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Oh look her blog! ... :)
Oh look, her blog. ... :|
Oh look. ... :(
Oh loo-. ... :'(
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.

Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
539 · Dec 2013
Merry Christmas!
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Merry Christmas to all of those who roam this Earth
Merry Christmas to those who tell me I shouldn't be forcing a holiday upon someone
Merry Christmas to all of those people who realize it's the thought of something good that counts
Christmas is a special holiday for many,
Most certainly for the children,
I hope those adults out there don't have to spend it alone,
And I hope those kids have all kinds of marvelous gifts.
I'll surely be sipping on my favorite drink and reminiscing of a dream lost in vain,
But I just like the calm.
Once again, Merry Christmas.
Had to throw in something depressing...
But seriously, everyone should enjoy the holidays.
535 · Jan 2014
I was convinced
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
The last time you kissed me,
I thought my heart was going to explode.
I whispered "You have know idea what you do to me, dear"
Into your right ear
But it seems you didn't listen
With both hands around your waistline
But you convinced me to believe
It wouldn't be the last time
Until the worst nightmare of my life ensued
How does she taste?
She is sweeter than I.
533 · Dec 2013
I Am A Menace
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
So, I am a menace.
A menace that plays trumpet at 11 PM so he can get his mind off of crying
A menace that loves driving out on spring's open road with the windows down and music up
A menace that loves seeing the good in others come out instead of seeing everyone's wasted potential
A menace that loves love itself, when people spread happiness laughter and cheer
A menace that loves to sing
A menace that loves to be sung to
A am only a boy
528 · Jan 2014
A Mess
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
My brain is
A mess
And sometimes I just pretend to be a hoarder
Like I'm okay living in a mess

Other times
I'm throwing up for how awful it is in here
528 · Dec 2013
I guess I'm a fool
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
So I guess I'm a fool
For being your fool
And being fooled
By a fool like you

So I guess I'm a fool
For all the fun times
And all the fooling
With a fool like you

So I guess we're both fools
For all the fooling
And the fooling you're doing
With my foolish heart

So I guess we're both fools
For the foolish decisions
That left me a fool
Alone in the dark
528 · Jan 2014
Bigger or Smaller.
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Nobody's problems are bigger or smaller than someone else's.
Just like people are different, we handle things differently.

And different things mean more to some than they do to others.
Some things I consider important are worthless to you. Vice versa.

I wish I'd learned this lesson a year ago. Maybe the love of my life would still be here.
I ****** up, and had to learn the hard way.

Don't you dare tell me what I'm supposed to feel about it.
A man brutally attacked me on facebook today. I'm glad facebook can't punch me.
526 · Dec 2013
In Love
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Why do you describe it as
Only being in love
Or not being in love
What is "in love" anyway
It took you a while to fall in love before
Why would I expect you to ever
Fall in love with me again
But after the stories, trust, and promises we shared
And after what I did to you, I only expected you
To let a newly planted seed grow

I'm not in love with you
I love you
There's a difference when I told you
I was in love with you
And that I'll always love you
They aren't the same thing
And the reason I said
I could spend my life with you
Is not because of the things
Only a ****** could offer
But what's up in your head

Falling in love
Is something kids do
Before they understand
Why grandparents put up with each other
For 50 long years
And why married couples
Talk about their spouse
As their best friend, because they vowed to love forever
You were that kind of a companion to me
Your company was what mattered, your existence on earth
I wish I could have gotten it through your head

You didn't have to change a thing
If a man treated me the way you did
I'd probably be gay
525 · Dec 2013
3:30 AM
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Did I mention it's finals week?
I'm stuck awake writing my life away, but the clock doesn't stop
Tick, tock, tick, tock
7 hours of exams tomorrow, am I ready?
Have to be up in 3 hours.
Tick, tock, tick, tick, tock
No, I'm just a little crazy from the time
Tick, tock, tick...tock...tock...
...
524 · Jan 2014
Sorry
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Quit saying sorry
And just fix it
God ******
508 · Dec 2013
Check
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Full and empty, is what I am.
Full of feelings, but empty space
You occupied my heart...gave it new life
Then tore the wallpaper right off the walls

Full of anxiety
I can not breathe
The room is spinning, and I didn't do anything this evening
It's going to be long night

Maybe I should check into a hospital
508 · Apr 2014
I am broken.
Sam Conrad Apr 2014
I'll be a broken record until the day I die,
I need to move on but I just won't try,
Though the day I die I'll learn to fly.
505 · Dec 2013
258 days, February
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
258 days,

February
Not much I remember as far as specific events
But I do remember the nights and the talks
I was busy telling you I was falling in love
We were talking about the kinds of music we liked
Sharing stories about our pasts
I'll spare talking about the stories about your past you told me
I remember how you said you were bad at texting
But you did pretty well
On and on we went. I remember at least 2 weeks of that month sitting on my grandpa's recliner
Texting you about so many things
Our mistakes. My childhood. Your childhood.
I know I spent some days still bothering you about Heidi too
Everyday she was putting something new up on facebook about how she hated me
How angry she was at me, the things she wrote were horrible
But I was okay because I had you
And she was so mean...
She didn't understand that it wasn't meant to be
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
What kind of joke am I?...

You just told me,
"I wanna be friends...
But that isn't good enough for you."


Do you not realize
What you've done?


You didn't "lead me on". You made me believe in you. Convinced me we had a future together.

You promised me we'd be okay.

You told me I meant the world to you.

You told me there was no place like my arms. That they were the most calming thing in the world.

You told me your mom wouldn't be angry.

You called it a speed bump... , yeah, that too.

You told me it would be over soon... how early was soon?

You told me your parents wouldn't come after me. That turned to ******* pretty quickly.

Your last interactions with me were a kiss...

You told me you'd always love me.

You told me you'd always want me.

That changed a lot.
You changed your stories...


Something like, "I thought he would get over me on his own. I fell out of love with him. It was obvious."

"How dare you. You treated me like ****. We're not okay."

"If I even love you, then..." ... which became "I care about you...", you avoid the L word now.

"Skyping with * is the best way to bring in the new year!" ...I feel so worthless now.

Your mom lied to my pastor, and his wife, and you, and my grandmother about me.

Is your relationship with her, a speed bump too? You lied. I actually believed you. Why don't you understand?

I've been waiting for 5 months. I'll end up waiting 50 years for you, because I'm really that stupid.

Your parents threatened me legally. They lied to people I love to ruin my life. You thanked them for it!

How do her lips taste? You tricked me. Thanks a lot.

You lied to me. You don't even use that word anymore. "care"...

You lied. You don't want me anymore. Why did you lie to so much? I'm all broken now.
ruined me.
you
don't even
see
why.
496 · Dec 2013
Cottonmouth
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
I have cottonmouth and I'm choking
I miss your hands so I bring them close
I sit you down next to me again in my head
But your hands are full of cotton
You stuff my mouth with cotton
I'm gagging on the cotton
And you're still pretending to be compassionate
Ignoring all my gagging and choking
As you fill my mouth with cotton with a smile
Your new love sitting right on the other side
She is smiling too
I don't know.
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
I speak can't even
Want to speak in
Don't order speak
I don't
I don't speak
I can't speak order in
Too messed
Up broken
Fix try can't
All alone
All alone
492 · Nov 2013
Slow and Steady
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
If I had it my way,
We'd be slow and steady.

Not like baby steps,
More like jump into everything --
Everything we'd done before
Full of feeling
No regrets
To appreciate wholly
Slow and steady

We would kiss each other gently on the forehead, cheek, lips, hands, to slow down time,
Slow and steady

We would hug each other like we'd never hug again and take more time,
Slow and steady

We would hold our hands together but do it gently and our thumbs would stroke our skins,
Slow and steady

We would look into our eyes and read each others minds again, but this time,
Slow and steady

We would cherish what we thought as "bad and risky", but with more love and deeper this time,
Slow and steady

We would never get doomed or upset afterwards because we'd do it all,
Slow and steady
490 · Dec 2013
Dead
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
I'm tired of writing things like this
But you're killing me
I needed you back
If not only for a bit
I needed you to take things slow
Instead you're head over heels for someone new
You replaced me in such a cruel way,

Last words to me were about our commitment
The next ones were directions for me to forget us ever being together again
Here I am crying so many ******* tears again
I thought this was done
Apparently I don't know what I can handle
490 · Jan 2014
Polished shit
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
First of all,
You're not ****.
Second of all,
Let me believe that.
Third, you're beautiful.
The most beautiful thing to ever cross my eyes.
Nothing in my life ever goes right.
I hope you come back.
The elevator of my life is stuck at the moment.
484 · Dec 2013
Obituaries
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Sometimes I pray
I pray that you will understand someday that I always loved you
And not for a day did my love for you falter
Regardless of the horrible horrible **** I did to you

Sometimes I pray
You understand I never meant to hurt you but I didn't know myself
I was a mirror image of that ***** that killed me
That I never got to explain that whole story to you

Sometimes I pray
That you will forgive me for the horrible things I said
But that you would recognize the good too
Because I know I told you a thousand times that you were good enough

Sometimes I sit and cry
I don't ******* believe in the god I pray to
I just have to do it so I don't grab the knife
The knife looks so tempting sometimes and it's hard to defer death

Sometimes I wonder
Why you didn't understand that I thought you were perfect from the start
But that I was a ticking time bomb
That last person planted something in me that you couldn't see

I'm so ******* sorry
For every ******* thing I did
I said horrible things I didn't mean.
I ******* swear I didn't mean them

The heat of the moment caught me off guard
I became the horrible stew of my father, my mother,
That awful ***** who kept me trapped for almost 2 years
I ******* hate her now just like you ******* hate me

But she doesn't have a heart
If she does you'd need a ******* microscope to see it
She was never there for me
She always catered to herself

Sometimes, I ******* hate myself
I might commit suicide if I keep thinking about things
All I can do is try to pretend you'll forgive me
Because if you don't

You might see my obituary in the paper someday
484 · Jan 2014
Write a poem
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Write a poem
If you know 'em
Then fix a rhyme
Don't spend a dime

I'm not cut out for this rhyming ****.
Not at 3 AM.

Sorry for that last one.
Harsh.
I don't know who I am anymore.
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