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Sam Conrad Dec 2013
258 days,

April
April was unusually cold,
Started out badly
I'd hurt you as March come to a close,
And I know that you tortured yourself over something I shouldn't have been upset about
Not to mention I got upset about even more stupid things
Like what I called your "liberal use of social media"
and
"neglect of me when I was with you"

I'll have to stop this story too,
Looking back on my choice of words I wonder what the **** I was doing
I had no place to call you out for having friends, or for talking to them
And you'd already done more than enough for me just being with me in the first place
After I pushed so many ******* problems on you.

I mean, it did legitimately hurt, when you were in my arms, but instead of cuddling
Was wrapped up in beating people at Ruzzle
Or trying to beat the level of Flow you couldn't beat the night before
That hurt pretty bad, I put up with it for a couple months...

But in the end all it became was another thing I ****** up for you
Because I took it all way too far
I got so mad at you, you deleted every social media app
You ran away from home,
You peddled 2 miles in the rain, and stopped right down the street from where I was living
And I didn't even have the heart
To walk down and comfort you the way I should have done
I traumatized you so bad, that I'd forever be sorry, for that alone
You kept telling me it was your fault, you kept trying to coax me into believing you were ****
Nothing
Worthless
Useless
Trash
Don't think I don't remember every word spoken in that phone call, when it was pouring down rain that day

I have to stop the story again...
That was the first time that I realized how sensitive you were. While I should have gone about it differently, you self destructed. You self hated. It wasn't ALL my fault. Your past was rough on you. People have hurt you. Your whole life has been such a struggle. You were made of glass and I forgot to label the shipping box as fragile. I broke you. I'm sorry.

Turns out, I was able to glue you back together. At least you led me on to believe...
I tried really hard.

So later in April...
You're over for church.
You seem okay, seem some better
But you had relapsed
After church we went on a walk, down through the sports complex
It was fun, but when we were making out I slipped my fingers up your right arm
I felt the scabs

You got so scared. I'm so sorry. The way you shook in my arms, when you got home...
I still feel the exact sensation of it, on my left side
My arm was wrapped around, and I felt it from my hand to my shoulder, from my shoulder to my knee. You were on my left, and you glanced into my eyes with the saddest look I'd ever seen on your face.
I feel that right now. I feel those tremors.
I looked over and whispered in your ear: "I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry"
What good would that do though
You felt so horrible
Plus you wouldn't even let me blame myself for what I'd done
I felt more connected to you in that moment though than I'd ever had before.
I felt your true pain for the first time in my life.

My grandparents ordered pizza that night.
I remember how you and I sat at the kitchen table and you were still shaking.
We talked for 4 hours, love. Four hours.
That day I realized what a monster I'd become. I made you promise to me...
That you would never cut again, if I was with you, or not with you.
If I had hurt you, or someone else had hurt you.
Because I knew that there was a chance of me becoming that monster again.
And I needed you to understand that day, how special you really were.
I needed to show you so that if a day ever came that I lost who I was again,
You'd have the strength to take care of yourself.
I still remember crying on your shoulder.
I still remember the tears you left on mine.
I still remember holding your hand.
I still remember the trust you found in me.

The next part of April went okay.
I tried to build you up.
We started getting more intimate with each other though.
The kissing became heavier...
Hands moved more...
Hugs were as if we were trying to force our bodies to combine into one lone thing

...so that was April
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
258 days,

August
Between July and August,
I think I said the dumbest things I've ever said to any organism that breathes, ever.
Ever.
I went so crazy throughout the summer.
I kept missing Nick.
I told you such horrible ****. I should really just ******* **** myself for what I told you.
I seriously told you I only was with you because you'd probably hurt yourself.
I seriously told you that fair wasn't important.
I threw hissy fits over not hanging out. When it was mostly my fault anyway.
Doesn't that just prove how awful I am
...
You know, I'll probably treat the next girl to stumble into my heart bad too.
I'm a bad person.
Surely I will, because I'll never get over you, who I called my soul mate...
So how could I treat the next person well?
Instead, to save everyone the trouble,
I should probably just **** myself. Really.
But I can't push myself to do it,
Because that seems like an easy way out of this pain
That's a way out of my pain.
I need to keep living this life I'm in now
I need to keep suffering and dying, without you.
I've convinced myself I deserve it.
My life is so awful, that I consider living normally a form of self harm...

So anyway...

I kind of took Brandon under my wing, as he missed Nick too, even more than I did,
I spent way more time with Brandon, than I did with you.
I'm sorry I did so. He felt so guilty, for not going over there, how he or I could have saved him.

I spent the whole first week of this month out of state too.
Hold on, rewind the tape.
I told you what you were doing was unimportant
Yet I was out of state at a country music festival and that was supposed to be important?
I was so ******* stupid.

It was only then that I realized how ******* horrible I was to you. When I finally started piecing this whole thing together.

I can't blame your parents for jack squat.
I don't blame your friends.
I don't blame that girl you're falling for, that picked you up,
Because you needed picked up.
I still can't believe what I did to you.

Invited you over on my brothers birthday,
I would be moving into my parents house soon, and I wanted you to meet them
You smeared icing on my nose,
I got you back.
My grandparents were there, and things were moderately happy.
At least, okay...

Then I saw the scars on your arm.
Then I lost my cool.
Then when I drove you home,
I drove as if I was dropping you off at the ******* hospital like you were ******* dying
And after I dropped you off
I drove like I was ******* suicidal

It was my fault you relapsed
I'll always blame myself
Because I treated you like ******* ****
And I can't not blame myself.
I can't blame you for anything looking back
Because all I did was tear you up and let you down
I told you it was okay.
You didn't believe me...
Meanwhile I was fuming,
Some because of the promise you made me
But really, because all I'd ever done was **** things up
I can't blame this on your parents.
I can't blame you.

That's August.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
258 days,

February
Not much I remember as far as specific events
But I do remember the nights and the talks
I was busy telling you I was falling in love
We were talking about the kinds of music we liked
Sharing stories about our pasts
I'll spare talking about the stories about your past you told me
I remember how you said you were bad at texting
But you did pretty well
On and on we went. I remember at least 2 weeks of that month sitting on my grandpa's recliner
Texting you about so many things
Our mistakes. My childhood. Your childhood.
I know I spent some days still bothering you about Heidi too
Everyday she was putting something new up on facebook about how she hated me
How angry she was at me, the things she wrote were horrible
But I was okay because I had you
And she was so mean...
She didn't understand that it wasn't meant to be
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
258 days
Are the number of days we were together, sweet girl

January ...
High School Basketball Game
50 texts
50 smiles
So cute
You didn't even mean it
Spleen smiles
Next week
You want me to come over
To help decorate for your birthday party tomorrow
Instead, making out on the porch
"I'm so bad"
... ... ...
Tomorrow
I'm sorry, I don't have any gift except for myself
Pop the question
Will you be mine?
There marked day 1
More spleen smiles
... ... ... still get this flashback so clear in my mind, in Ray's chair, Dani was up on the left arm, you and I cuddling in the seat, she looks over and tells us how cute we look

... ... ...
Every other day in that month consisting basically of
Heidi said this
Heidi said that
Help me help me
She's on facebook going nuts about me
I even called her four times for hours trying to calm her down
You told me it wasn't my fault
Our senses of humour blended really well
Spleen smiles all the way
You were my anchor
I fell in love
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
258 days,

July

I don't know what to say about July, love.
I was so awful to you.
There are things I don't remember about July.
I remember things I told you.
But I don't remember experiencing July.
I turned cold and numb and mean.
I kind of became that old man down the street that won't let the kids
Ride their tricycles down the sidewalk in front of his porch, keeps a gun inside the door.

I turned into such a ****.
And you were traumatized too. I don't know
Why I pretended that what happened in June didn't affect you
As much as it did me.
I guess it was because your parents ****** me

I'm so ******* sorry.
I wish I could take back every syllable I said. Every sound. Every word.
I hope you understand some day. Take all the time you want.
Take years.
Decades...
Chances are,
I'll still think you're beautiful when you're 70 and frail.
I promise, if you'd let me, I'll come back and date you like we're young again.
I love you that much.
That's a promise I'll keep.
I'll never make such broken promises
That I made to you throughout our relationship
Ever, the ****, again.

*July
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
258 days,

June

First week of June?
Amazing. I'd experienced your body...for real this time. Did more with you than I'd ever done with anyone. That party...

Sister, brother leaving...

Couch...
Us...

Not like it matters, now.
Reminds me. I should probably be put in a straight jacket if you ever get close to me again someday. Like, if you ever decide you can be okay with what I did to you. What I did to you was not okay, though.

June 13th
Hickey #2 ("#3) found
Whoops. We got too caught up in this whole ****** business...
Gauntlet thrown down
My aunt was over with her two children
8:27pm: "Please call us ***-***-XXXX"
Replied 8:35pm: "I can't right now. My aunt and her kids are over...
Lizzie told me she was in trouble during her break. I'm assuming I'm in trouble too? I'm not going to make any excuses this time and I apologize. Its my fault. I can call when my aunt leaves."

Around 8:45pm, my cell phone rings. My aunt and her kids are still over.
I am shaking so badly that I have trouble sliding my finger on the touchscreen to pick up the call.
Some of the call is a blur to me.
I cried so hard.
I shook so hard.
I cramped in places I'd never cramped before.
I was gagging on the phone and it just made them more mad at me.
Around 9:55 the phone call ends.
They told me they were going to take all your clothes off.
They pushed me to admit I'd had *** with you.
I wouldn't admit it.
I wouldn't admit anything except the hickey.
God knows we did more.
But I just hoped that God understood that I never wanted to lose you.
I never wanted to lose you.
They asked for my 18th birthday, so they could mark their calendar as the "day they could touch me"
(Because assault on a minor = felony, assault on adult goes much more easily)
I never wanted to lose you.
That threat alone almost made me **** myself. They threatened to hurt me. Physically. On my birthday.
I never wanted to lose you.
They told me they had expectations for me.
They told me I had to hold a certain GPA, and wouldn't tell me what it was.
They told me I needed to have a certain job, by a certain date, and they wouldn't tell me what the date was.
They told me to "let them take care of that ****", the dates they wouldn't tell me.
They told me I should graduate in 3 years, I forgot about this one...
Claimed "I was smart enough to do it" and that "maybe it would prove I was worth their daughter seeing"
They compared me to Zack W. and how they made him break up with you.
They told me they wouldn't force me to do that but that I'd be sorry for what I did.
...by the end of the phone call though, she had softened up.
After all, I was crying so hysterically...she either pretended, or temporarily understood that I was sorry.
She told Ray I was really sorry.
Ray though, was in the background screaming
"That ****** isn't sorry. He ain't ******' sorry."
...
When you got home that night,
They took it easy on you.
They didn't actually strip your clothes off.
They told you they were "kinda harsh" on me and that I "took most of it for you"...
...
...
...
The week before, my friend Nick drank himself to death. He essentially committed suicide.
...
Two weeks later, your mom refused to talk at all about this phone call.
It was sick what she did to me.
I was sick inside. I hated myself. Not to mention Nick invited me over the night he died.
He would be alive had I been there that night.
...
If I had been there with Nick, he wouldn't have died.
...
...
I ended June full of so much guilt. So much confusion. So much pain. I lost a friend. I lost myself.
...
June.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
258 days,

March
Man, march was two steps forward and one step back for us.
Several things happened in March
Heidi still wouldn't shut up
I think I admitted to you I was having flashbacks of her when I was with you,
I'm sure that didn't feel too great for you. You couldn't blame yourself (did you? I'm so sorry)
There were times when I kissed you I had to stop and look into your eyes
You're beautiful, were then, were now, when I looked, it cured my flashbacks
So that's where the whole thing happened where you were like
"What?" and I told you you were "just beautiful" ...you were just beautiful. So wonderful.
Things going well!
But... ... ...
Second week of March, I come over one evening, stayed till dark
We're allowed up in your room, hooray! You kept the door open so we wouldn't get in trouble
That night,
You had on Chicago the Musical, playing on the TV in your room
In hindsight, the plot is quite clever and I'll probably watch it someday soon as I'm crying over you
...anyway
Yes, I'm cursed with a memory that good...
I didn't like musicals. I put up this silly front and told you I thought they were too fake.
I was a little mean. I just told you that if you liked musicals though that was okay...
Except it turns out in the future I didn't let it be okay
Anyway, Joanna came upstairs, we just picked another movie...
I'm pretty sure I said "I really would rather not watch a musical, something else would be fine"
Ended up...
Playing Halo with Andrew in between making out
Until I left around 8:15
But I forgot my phone charger there
Came back to pick it up, but this information is insignificant
... ... ...
So third week it is, we go out to see the AYP / AYS Spring Side-By-Side Concert
Just so happened to play selections from Les Miserables
You sung really beautifully
And all my stupid self could do was look at you like I wanted to tape your mouth shut
Leaned away from you a little, you were on my left, I leaned on my right arm
I even remember which row and seats we were sitting in
I remember how you asked what was wrong
I told you "nothing" and I couldn't say more

Sweet girl, I have to stop this story right now because at that moment, I knew very well how stupid it was that I was doing that to you. I realized I got extremely defensive over the stupidest **** in the world, but I couldn't get over my stupid reaction. So I just quit talking. But I was quite bothered. But I couldn't help it. But it was so ******* mean.

Reminiscent of how I treated Heidi...how I did that to you. Heidi would hurt me and I didn't want to hurt her so I just gritted my teeth and told her it was nothing. Over time it got worse and I got angry over the dumbest ****, before I finally gathered the courage to break up with her.

I knew that I loved you exactly as you were, but you got the leftovers from my ****** relations with her and I'm so ******* sorry I did that to you, that I coaxed you to change, that I ruined something that made you happy for you

If I could go back to March I would, I would beat the absolute **** out of my past self for what I did...
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
258 days,

May
May was a good month. Our only "good month".
If you can even call it good.
We fell more in love than I would have ever believed.
You made me believe.
I started to believe that the storm was over.
That I could finally write a new chapter with you.
That you could write new chapters too.
You told me you threw away your blades. (To this day, I don't know if you ever did)
You told me you'd love me forever.
I told you I'd love you forever.
We told each other we'd love each other forever.
May was intense.
My feelings for you had never been stronger.
Sweet girl, I wish I could relive May for the rest of my life, that when I'd wake up from it,
It would be the beginning of May again...
I think one week you and I spent every single day together
We were spending a lot of time together
Word on the street though was that your grades had been slipping.
Word...on...grades...slipping.
I remember coming over and your mom asking about it
She wasn't really being that mean
I just took it too harshly I guess.
Your parents seemed a little upset that we were spending so much time together.
You needed to focus on your school work, they said.
We did our thing though.
Somewhere in between April and May, a hickey...I gave you one...I had one too
Your mom called me a vampire.
She made jokes about it like every second I was in the car, or in the house (when Ray wasn't there, anyway)
Gave me a little warning not to do it anymore.
So I guess near the middle of May, a hickey appeared on your neck
I'd been making sure not to bite, so I don't know how it got there. Maybe it was just a bruise?
Your mom wasn't so kind this time around.  She warned that next time she was telling Ray. She seemed angry, but seemed to let it slide.
Did I mention I freaked out a little?
I'm overly sensitive.

Going through the rest of May though was bliss with you. We made some more ****** advances...
We just made sure to be careful about them.
Except we weren't ACTUALLY careful.
At all.
Nope.

I still remember May 24th...graduation day, kissed your stomach. What the **** was I doing?

So that was May.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
258 days,

September

I've typed well over 3000 words now and it's 3:30 in the morning. I'm sweating and crying. My mouth is dry as cotton. My left pinky is sore because I have arthritis from when I broke it and my wrist hurts because I think I'm developing carpal tunnel. I've been typing for hours. So, let me try this again...

September

We both got lost in September.
You told me literally every single day that you were unstable.

I felt like the puppet in a play where I'm supposed to be the good guy
But the play is a satire where I'm actually the worst...

I cried a lot. I didn't know what to do. Or if I could help you.
I could see it in your eyes. I could see you tremble. I saw the fear.
I think I told you sorry like 50 times one day I was over.
I saw it in your eyes how sad you were. You weren't happy.

I realized I'd ****** up
But I'm me, and that means I'll just keep ******* up the same old ****
The same old **** over and over and over...
Without realizing it until it's but a second too late.

You asked me to go to the dance with you.
Where would we be right now, if I had simply been able to say yes?
I wasn't strong enough to say yes, sweet girl.
I was broken by a conglomeration...a giant melting *** of the situation and my past.

I had a good time with you at prom the year before.
I told you I didn't. That I was freaking out.
I did have a good time. Except when I was really freaking out was this last September.
You calmed my fears and made it worthwhile.

I still can't even believe I got a girl to come with me for my senior prom.
I thank you so much for that. Even though I kind of ****** it up too.
I can't let myself take it for granted either, what I've done to you.
I know I've ****** it all up.

If I could do it over (I keep saying this over and over, I've ****** up so much)
I would have just said yes and continued to try to figure things out
How to make things better and fix the pain
So that I could be to you what I've always wanted to be for you

Except I just wasn't strong enough in September,
A recurring theme throughout the summer
Wasn't strong enough to be there for you
Wasn't strong enough to be nice to you

So many ******* excuses I made over time
But it was true...I was struggling and my life was hard
But I should have known that the best thing for you and me both
Was to face a fear, where I was afraid of something stupid

If I haven't done things directly,
I've done them indirectly, like...
If I simply wasn't in the situation, no matter what was actually in my control,
None of this **** would have happened to you

This month ended with me calling your mom out (she'd historically been quite mean to me, but how dumb was I to do it on public facebook...)
Another horrid phone call ...

...(my hands hurt too bad to write much about this one, said I all I ever did with you was **** with your head, lied to you, blew you off...)
Myself going crazy, telling you I was horrible, awful, nothing, trash...(sound familiar at all?)

And the ending of our relationship

I think I've effectively hated myself since that night
When you were in my car and I self destructed to you
The same way I remember you self destructing toward me
Except you played no part

Your mom is the one that killed me but
I'd still hug your mom to this day though...and I miss little Andrew so much...
Your mom isn't that bad. She's done a lot for you. Gone through so much...(she made it very clear to me in the phone calls, I'll never go through any kind of pain like she did...)

I don't know what to say about myself anymore except
I'm weak
I'm soft
I'm broken

They say hindsight is 20/20.
If only I'd had a time machine.

*September
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Did I mention it's finals week?
I'm stuck awake writing my life away, but the clock doesn't stop
Tick, tock, tick, tock
7 hours of exams tomorrow, am I ready?
Have to be up in 3 hours.
Tick, tock, tick, tick, tock
No, I'm just a little crazy from the time
Tick, tock, tick...tock...tock...
...
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
There was something about a 3 month rule
I vaguely remember
You broke it for me
You broke it against me
You broke me
I will be very vague
I feel betrayed
I feel a lot of things
But I'm a horrible person, at least, in the way I treated you
So I deserve it
6.
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
6.
Rivers run
down
my ugly face
6.1
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
6.1
Many nights
I
Sit, still hoping
6.2
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
6.2
My hopes, dreams
They were you.
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
Truth is
I'm afraid of heights
I have that sinking feeling
Like you get before drop on a rollercoaster
But I'm not strapped in
My stomach is ramming itself up my throat
My eyes are watering
I'm making this face like I'm so absolutely terrified
The people look like ants
I'm about to go splat
I'm afraid
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
I'm dead
I'm dead not because of you
And I've not really blamed you
Though I just read a poem you wrote where you thought I blamed you

Your mother
She's not all that bad
She was just really bad to me,
Sometimes

Kind of like I was bad to you,
Sometimes

She killed me
Like I killed you

But I became
The child
Who gets bullied
Who grows to be a bully

I've made such mistakes
But I need to clear some things

In those two weeks I ignored you
I reflected too

And when I came back
I tried so hard

Not to fix you
But to fix myself

Because as you very well know
I was the broken one all along

Except now that I've fixed myself
You've left me to die

For real this time
So if there's anything I can blame you for

It's for locking me up now
Imprisoning my newly freed me

I still don't blame you though
Even though you stuck with me

Until the moment
I was fixed

That you led me on through the process
But once I got to the finish line

Told me there was no race
After all

I sit now alone with my mind
Wondering if I deserved what I got

If I deserved the threats
The phone calls

Getting the **** scared out of me

But I don't wonder one second

That you deserved anything I did to you
But if only we were left alone

Maybe it would have been different

Except now I don't even know
If I can say that because it sounds like I'm not taking blame

But like I said outside your car window
I've become you

I don't know what's okay to say
Or what's okay to feel

And I won't let someone help me
The way you're letting her

I mean I will and I am
I've found someone who's been through similar

She's really cool and
I've become a great friend with her

But I'll not let myself fall in love
Because I have more respect for you than that

I have more respect than to act like
What we had was a fools game

Because I can read between the lines,
I tried to see both sides

But sometimes thats hard
And it's really ******* hard

I thought you had more respect for what we had
Than to dump me that way

I thought you had more respect for it
Than to jump into something new so fast

I thought you'd at least be mindful
Of what you spent so much time

Making me believe
That you'd be waiting for me

Like I'll always wait for you
After all
I'm sorry.
If you read this, I know that you need to be happy. My heart is so broken though.
I believed in you in those last weeks like I'd never believed in someone ever before.
You didn't lead me on. You led me to believe you'd be my future...
Only to rip yourself away from me at the realization...
That you didn't want someone like me, after all
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Walked into the room
Where you were talking
With a friend of ours

Asked if I could talk to you
Your face turned sour
You got really scared

Asked you to hold out your hand
I grabbed my gel pen and drew
A heart in black ink

Your face enlightened
In such a way I hadn't seen in a very long time
And you hugged me so tightly

I told you that I'd have my pen
Waiting for the next opportunity
To draw a heart in black ink

On your hand to remind you
I'd always love you
So that when I wasn't around

You'd be able to smile
Just like I did on the days
You drew one on mine

I turned to that friend
She assured me
That things would be fine

Little did I know
Nothing would be fine
That my pen is still waiting for round 2
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
I speak can't even
Want to speak in
Don't order speak
I don't
I don't speak
I can't speak order in
Too messed
Up broken
Fix try can't
All alone
All alone
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
The last time you kissed me,
I thought my heart was going to explode.
I whispered "You have know idea what you do to me, dear"
Into your right ear
But it seems you didn't listen
With both hands around your waistline
But you convinced me to believe
It wouldn't be the last time
Until the worst nightmare of my life ensued
How does she taste?
She is sweeter than I.

The last time you kissed me,
I thought my heart was going to explode.
I whispered "You have know idea what you do to me, dear"
Into your right ear
But it seems you didn't listen
With both hands around your waistline
But you convinced me to believe
It wouldn't be the last time
Until the worst nightmare of my life ensued
How does she taste?
She is sweeter than I.

The last time you kissed me,
I thought my heart was going to explode.
I whispered "You have know idea what you do to me, dear"
Into your right ear
But it seems you didn't listen
With both hands around your waistline
But you convinced me to believe
It wouldn't be the last time
Until the worst nightmare of my life ensued
How does she taste?
She is sweeter than I.
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
My brain is
A mess
And sometimes I just pretend to be a hoarder
Like I'm okay living in a mess

Other times
I'm throwing up for how awful it is in here
And
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
And
And I'm just a ****** boy.
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
I can tell
You're really starting
To become annoyed
With me
So I should
I should just disappear
Maybe you can finally be happy
If I would just vanish
Or if I would just perish
And die
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
It's 4 PM
I close my eyes
And I breathe
I turn off the music and the TV
I put down my book
And I breathe
Telling myself I need you
But I force myself to stop
And I breathe
I wish I could make you believe
You didn't make me happy, because

You were my happy

And I breathe
It's up to you to decide
I know that and you have
And I breathe
I just have to hope
You may change your mind
And I breathe
Doesn't even make any sense
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
I just told a friend:
"I feel awful. She made me so happy."

My friend asked:
"Why is that bad? She made you happy and you made her happy too."

I replied:
"I wish she'd come back."
"That's why."
"And she's in a relationship with her."
"While simultaneously claiming she's lesbian."
"And that's not good for my self esteem."

My friend replied:
"That isn't good."
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Sent you some messages
Hope you read them
Slowly and thoughtfully

I was okay for a bit
Ate my dinner,
A nice light salad

Thought I was okay
Until a horrible pain
Came over my chest

The anxiety unbearable
My heart it trembles
I can't even breathe

I don't know why I love you
But I can't stop
Though I pretend to

I'm tired of pretending
I'm living a lie
You don't love me

You never will love me
I don't know what
I'm good for, anymore

Why is it that
When I puked it up a minute ago
All I could think of

Are people less fortunate
Than me that deserved
That meal instead of me
Pain is something I would rather feel than feel nothing at all
I will hold on with a hope
A kind of hopeless hope that keeps me alive
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
It was a shock of news,
When you reprimanded me
For "talking to your friends", like I was annoying them, as if
I was bothering people you say you "took for granted" and now you're sticking up for them
Like I was just a nuisance

It was a shock of news,
Since you changed since talking to me
When you understood my POV, that I don't love you like I used to, and I'm in the same boat,
But now you've "moved on"?, (from what?) and you can't go "backwards"?
Like you think all I want is to go back to before, which is so freaking wrong because I don't

It was a shock of news,
Since I went back to those people, "your friends"
After your claims, and they couldn't see either where you were coming from,
Because one grew up with me, and the other is now my best friend
The first one, I don't think you realize the history there and the second one is my best friend

It was a shock of news,
For you to assume, I've been bothering "your friends"
Because of you, but I don't think you realize, that they are good people,
And I like good people, so seriously, quit claiming they're only your friends and not mine
Because the boy you flirted with so much who drove you home all the time was my friend too

And I didn't even talk to him much, or even mention you
Because I really like him as a person and I took him for granted when I was with you
Just like you took people for granted and now you're trying to care about them
And now I'm trying to stay in touch with my friends, even the distant ones,
As I tried to stay the hell away from you, just like you've been doing to me

It was a shock of news,
When you blocked me out completely
For you're "not in love with me anymore", and you're broken, just like I've been broken,
And I too, am numb and not in love, seriously, I'm not in love with you
But I kept saying I love you, because at least I know you try, even though you don't open your eyes
I know you're kind and sweet to people and you're building yourself up
But quit tearing me down in the process

When I tell you the truth
When it's right in front of you

So apparently, I don't love you
Maybe this hurts you
Like you keep hurting me
But open your eyes for god's sakes
Follow your own beliefs, quit the double standards
And understand I'm not in love with you when I say I love you
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
So I've got this story...
And it goes a little something like this-

There's a girl that I hurt really bad on way too many occasions that I love more than anything. Pretty much everything I write on here is about her. She became the love of my life, and I told myself she was the one I wanted to spend my life with. Except I was a ****. She was going somewhere to an event that lasted 2 weeks and was really important to her and let's just say I ****** it all up really really bad. She made a lot of friends there and it was a great experience for her, kind of like camp is for some people, how boy/girl scouts are for some people, and she learned a lot there, and had lots of fun too. I was so horrible to do what I did.

At least we're young though, and there's still time to grow...right? I'm only 18, she's almost 18, and we both have lives to live ahead of us. I feel like I need her though. She treated me perfectly in our relationship. I mean, looking back, there's nothing I can fault her for, at all. I just got ****** at stupid crap that doesn't even matter.

Except, she's into somebody else now and probably thinks I'm no good for her. She doesn't talk to me anymore. Anyway, I'm rambling, I haven't gone to bed, I took a bunch of pills, am getting sick, and it's 7 AM...so here goes. This story is somewhat censored, though.

_________________­___________
"The Worst Weeks of Our Lives"

I met this girl and she became the love of my life. She took me places I'd never gone before and her and I fell in love like some people wouldn't believe. Ask my friends. Ask her friends. No, her friends probably wouldn't admit to it anymore. But I choose to remember the things they said. Kids were like totally rooting for us all day every day. We were so perfect. It was great.

So with a few mistakes here and there, (mostly me...all me, really) we realized we weren't perfect. But it didn't hamper out love. Nobody is perfect, right? We realized that. Overcame.

But then, we went too far. Her parents drew lines we weren't supposed to cross. Oopsies. Her mom really put me in my place. I'll just leave it at that. Asked me when my 18th birthday was, so she could mark her calendar as the "day she could touch me". Told me I was a liar. Husband in the background drunk and screaming, as usual. Except screaming "that ***** ain't sorry. He ain't ******* sorry, ******* ******* marking up my ******* daughter I can show him how to be ******* sorry"

Lots more. I'll go crazy if I speak the rest. It was a hickey on her neck. We didn't do much more.

I got really scared. I mean, they were brutal. I wasn't used to that kind of brutal. Psychotic levels of brutal. All of the sudden I became numb. I stopped being so intimate with my girlfriend. They told me not to come around their house anymore. I started doubting myself. If I was any good for her. She cried and cried. Told me how sorry she was. For getting us in trouble, and for what her parents did. But it wasn't her fault. After all, I am the vampire that bit her neck.

After a few weeks, her parents dropped it completely. I didn't though. I was so traumatized. I'd been getting flashbacks. Nightmares. So scared, I was. I kept avoiding her, not only her parents. I mean, I didn't have a car anyways, so the only place I could go to see her was at her house. She reassured me I was allowed. But with no contact with her parents since the phone call that changed my life I was reluctant.

This was around 2 months before she was going to go to a 2 week event. A special event to her. One I'd even wished I'd gotten involved in. Really, I did wish. I just missed the application deadline. Throughout the next two months, we grew more and more distant. I was harsh on her. I hurt her. I'd get mad at her and then call her and talk to her until 3 in the morning. I made her hate herself, and then she felt bad about me feeling sorry too. "You always force yourself to be nice to me just so I feel better, but I'm ****, I'm trash, I'm nothing, I'm so sorry" she would say. Most of the time, she didn't even do anything wrong. One of my best friends died at the same time her parents killed me inside, I spent all my days sleeping and crying and when I wasn't doing that, I was getting angry at her (and quickly regretting it), manufacturing conflicts that were completely unnecessary. Not to mention I'd had health issues, and my parents kicked me out of my house a few months beforehand.

In the time before she left to her special event, I really tore her up. I said the dumbest things I've ever said to someone in my life. I'd never even said such dumb things to even an object, or myself. Why I would say them to a girl who saved me from suicide (I was very unstable and depressed when coming out of a bad relationship, and getting kicked out of home) and why I said it all to someone I wanted to spend my life with I'll never know.

The dumbest things I'll ever say to anything that breathes in my lifetime. I told her one night that the "only reason I was still with her was because if I left she'd hurt herself" (she had a history of self harm, even though she's the sweetest girl I've ever met) and another night I told her "If only she were going somewhere important I'd understand" and lots of other insensitive and selfish things that I can't even believe came out of my mouth. I mean, the whole basis of it was that her and I hadn't spent much time together (really because of my own selfish fears) and I was going all *** on her testosterone-fueled-rage style for days over and over and over.

Don't I sound like a horrible person? I was. I was horrible to her. As much as I hate to say it, I'll probably make similar mistakes again someday - It's like relapsing - but I'll make every effort I can to learn from my horrible past and never be that person again.

So when she went to the event, I was with my grandparents out of state and I downloaded my favorite sad playlist (Staind, great band) to listen to on the trip.

Yes, seriously. I told her that stuff and called her event unimportant and then I went away too. How stupid I was for what I said. I should have been slapped or something.

A day or two after I'd left, I realized how stupid it was of me. For the whole thing. That whole time. That whole span, those two months where I not only neglected her, but emotionally ****** her.

There's a song called "Tangled Up In You" that has the most wonderful and intimate lyrics and I listened to it and sung to it over and over and over late into the morning (I'm talking 3-4 in the morning) every night for like 10 days and along with a song called "Right Here" by the same band. I cried myself to sleep so extremely ashamed of what I'd just done to her.

I knew I was wrong, but what I didn't know was that she was crying her eyes out wrapped up in (someone else)'s arms at that event...
I didn't know she was getting all kinds of love and support.
I had no idea...not that it was bad, it was good because she needed it.

But it got her to thinking about me, what kind of person I was.
When we both got back, I started making more of an effort to spend time with her and go out of my way to talk to her, make her happy, and basically, stop being such a ****.
Except she just got confused and conflicted because she was numb and falling out of love, because I was nothing that anyone should love, to her, over that prior time.

Her mom broke us up about a month later, after some...you know what, I'll just leave that bit out...
I told you how the first phone call went. The phone calls I got from her and her husband in the end were just so much worse. I don't even want to think about them. I went into convulsions and kept dropping the phone.

I went back to these two songs to help keep my sanity and I belted out "Tangled Up In You" every day in my car... so loud I was losing my voice.

I'd had some communication with her, surprised her at her work one night, bought her flowers, wrote her my true feelings on some napkins, showed up when she got out of school one day, when she was deathly afraid, and surprised her with a smile and drew a heart on her hand...

Her and I were on the same page. She still loved me. She was just hurt. I still loved her. I was just trying to make up for the compromised mental state I spent so much time in. I had compromised hers too. I needed to get her out of it. She told me she would wait for me. That we were in a speed bump, that it would all be okay.

So some weeks passed, a month, and she still had my back. As strong as ever. Her parents found out I bought the flowers. They found out I'd been talking to her. But...

Knowing she still had my back, that she still loved me, and that she would wait for me...she called what her mom did (in breaking us up, in our break) a "speed bump"...I was okay with it. I mean, I really wanted to be a part of her life, but man, her parents HATED ME! (In retrospect, probably with good reason. Shame on me for the things I did to her. Really.)

We had some major issues (mostly due to my inability to shut my stupid mouth) and I decided that maybe some time to ourselves to focus on ourselves and think was a good thing. She could focus on loving herself again and I could focus on becoming a better person.

I mean, when her parents found out her and I were still talking to each other after they broke us up, they blocked my number on her phone, went to my church and made up extra stories to my pastor, (told him I'd came and banged on their door at one in the morning one night), when I called to apologize to them they didn't pick up, called me back later to cuss me out and hang up on me, logged into their daughters facebook account and blocked me, then told their daughter that I had called them when she was sleeping and cussed them both out, and that she was to have nothing to do with me again. They threatened legal action against me, too. Tried to make my life hell. They didn't want me around their daughter, ever again. A blind rage that went on for a very long time until every communication route was blocked.

She went to school and told her friends the false stories her parents told her, and her friends already didn't like me...I mean just look at what I had done before...it wasn't good. Not for me, anyway. Also her. She felt duped. Used. By her parents. She didn't know who to trust or what was real. Everyone was telling her how horrible I was.

I got a chance to talk to her one day. We talked for hours, face to face. Sat in the cold and talked. It was an amazing talk. We caught each other up completely on our lives. We talked about our love. Our past. Our emotions. All of them. Good and bad. But we told each other we'd always love each other. She stuck by me, and also reassured me that she always would. I left that conversation feeling so secure. The most I'd felt since way before I'd become a total **** to her. When her and I were so deep in love.

She's always wanted to go far away from college. She told me stories of her past and what her parents did to her, what she did to herself that were not good. Not good at all. She wanted to get away from her parents.

Meanwhile I was so caught up in the feelings she gave me when I was in her arms, I almost couldn't handle the fact that she wanted to leave. I pleaded for her to stay, in a time that her and I were both unstable and it was already taboo that we were even on the same property. But still, she said "she wanted to stay" because her and I work so well together...when we work together, that is, and I and her were both determined to work together. I told her I would do anything for her. In all of it though, I told her that the decision was in her hands and I would still love her the same if she left, and that I would wait for her. Because I loved her more than anything.

After that talk, things got quiet. I guess, too quiet. I was legally bound to stay away from her. I talked to someone she worked with and asked them to tell her hello for me. I thought though, we were on good terms following the talk, I thought she'd be elated to hear from me.

She never responded.

One day, a couple weeks later, she told me I really needed to get over her. That she didn't love me like that anymore. She told me she'd been falling out of love since the summer, and she'd gone crazy and needed space. She said she wanted to be friends, but no relationship. No relationship anymore. She said she couldn't handle it. She said she couldn't handle a relationship in general.

She made that message a bit accusatory. I'd been talking to two friends, one who I'd known for years and a new one I'd just made. Both overlapping friends with hers. Those two helped keep me sane.

She started that message with "I heard you've been messaging my friends, and to be honest, I haven't had the heart to message you back." She repeated multiple times that I needed to get over her. She told me that it wasn't anyone else's influence too. She even listed people. People who'd separated us. Hurt me. Hurt her, in a way, but encouraged her in others.

At the same time, she blocked me on facebook again. She had unblocked me when she found out her parents did it for her. Odd though...I thought she wanted to be friends. I mean, it was like the only way I was able to have her in my life at all. To read her facebook posts and her read mine. To have discussions with friends. We have a lot of overlapping friends.

Man, she killed me. One second I thought she was my soul mate and the next I was in the bathroom puking my guts out because she was telling me we'd never be together again.


So fast forward to today...I still love her. And she's basically in a relationship with someone else. She's also either on the fence about her sexuality, or decided she doesn't like boys anymore. I feel bad about that too. Its like I ruined male relationships for her. It's only been a few weeks since she told me I needed to get over her. She doesn't talk to me anymore. I go to high school events even though I graduated last year just to see her. When I don't approach her, she ignores me. I'm just another person in the room. When I do approach her, she has such a scared look on her face. She doesn't want to talk to me, but she can't be mean to me. She's falling in love with someone else and she's getting happier. She doesn't need me showing up everywhere just to depress her.

Yet I keep bothering her. Because I'm a sucker for her. I can't help it. I love her. I want her to be my future. But at this point I'm grasping at straws. So hard. I shouldn't be trying anymore. But I'll end up trying until the day I die. And only then will I stop believing in her and I. I know it's a pipe dream. But I'll hold onto it. Because it's the only thing I have left of myself now.

Last night, (I mean, right before I wrote this around 5 AM, it is now 8 AM) I played those two songs again. I forgot they were at the end of my playlist and I started shivering and crying my eyes out. I got chills. I got so cold. The tears just ran. They ran down my face faster than I've cried in a long, long time.

I'm only okay right now because I took a bunch of pills. Pills that have this kind of effect on me. They make me kind of numb. Kind of happy. Upper and downer both.

That's pretty much, my sad ending to a sad story.
I'm living the kind of life that only people like Shane Koyczan know how to explain to people.

Ironically, she loves Shane Koyczan.
I do too.
We grew up in broken homes and lived broken lives until we found each other.
Then we broke each other.

But she's falling for someone else, because I wasn't what I should have been to her, and she knows
But she doesn't believe in me anymore, the way I believe in her...because I wasn't what I should have been to her, and she can't hold onto me when I'm a 50/50 chance, of bringing her down again.
If only she would let me hug her again, kiss her one more time...I could die happy, knowing I poured all my heart and soul out into that last kiss.
But I'm a gamble. And she can't put her heart out on the line for someone who wasn't always good to her. She used to call me her "sweet boy" and she still tells me I'll always be her "sweet boy", but the fact of the matter is, it doesn't cut it to only be sweet s
I needed to write this. I've been going crazy. I told her I needed to talk to her but she's been avoiding me. If she reads this, I know its hard for her. There are more explanations I need to give her, I hope she will let me speak to her someday. I've found out a lot about myself in just the last few weeks. Stuff I don't talk about in this story. To you, my dear...if you read this, I'm sorry. I know it's tough. Its very tough. But look at the positive, dear. I'll keep living. Maybe I'll be okay someday. Your happiness is what matters to me. If you're happy, I'll keep myself going. I'm going to go to sleep now. Finally, I have some peace.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
I am hurt
I am hurt more than you know
Some of it is self inflicted
Some of it is not
I am hurt very badly
Not sure if I will recover
Not that it matters anyway
You care but
At the same time, don't
Stupid, up at 4:30 AM...I don't know
Sam Conrad Feb 2014
My tears run down
My face
Like
Rainedrops down
A windowpane
This is more like windowpain,
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
The last 19 poems I wrote
In the last 3 hours
Are like a bad cartoon

The first ones are like title cards, intro cards, and short 1-slide segments
The last ones are the meat and potatoes of the show

The pilot of a bad cartoon
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Please pretend
I'm not the one
Who wrote this
That a stranger
Dropped it off to
Make your day

You're beautiful.
You're wonderful.
You're the kind of girl,
That both the boys and girls fall for.
You're insert positive adjective here.
Not because you're a cute face.
Not because your body is the perfect shape.
Not because long sleeves might hide your pain.
Because you're someone they look up to
You're someone a lot of people look up to
Even though most people wouldn't admit it
I'd rather be open about it
You're a bright mind.
You're an open mind.
You're a caring mind.
You're a mind full of optimism.
You're a cute mind.
You're a witty mind.
You're more clever than you know.
A genius trapped
Under the eyes of the world
Or at least, the overbearing souls
Of those who surround you.
You're amazing,
Because you actually amaze.
You've surprised a lot of people
With your persona because
You have a voice in it
That people can't see or hear
But they feel it
Oh, I know they feel it
They love you for it
Like the expression on a face
Carries a universal language
You carry another kind,
One much more rare.
You're the kind of person who
Doesn't come around often
The kind of person
That everyone desires
I should have known
I'd lose the rat race to your heart
I'm not capable
Of the necessary actions
To satisfy something so pure
You're a diamond
And I'm the dirt
I just hope I don't bury you
As you're trying to shine
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
I love you
But I'm giving up now
I'm giving up on myself and my ability to love you
Since you gave up on it and I can't help but trust you
Because I trusted you

I love you
But I think I'm done trying now
It hurts me so much when you ignore me
That I don't even know why I bother you because I know I probably bother you
Because ...I love you

I love you
But I don't love myself anymore
Its crazy because I loved myself only a month ago but I've learned more about myself since then
Now that I see what I did to you I don't even think I'm worth your having anymore
Because I hurt you

I love you
But I don't know how to love you
I think I do now but only how I should have before and not how you'd like me to now
By "moving on from you" and becoming "happy" again because I don't know how to
Because I promised you

I love you
But you gave me your happy
I drained you of your happy but its okay now because you've taken it back and
You're happy now and I'm sad just like I was before I met you and that's a very good thing
Because I want to see you happy
- I'll love you forever. I don't know how to stop. I hope I'm okay someday.
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
I tried to be your spring,
but I wasn't sure which spring to be.

I tried to be a bouncy happy spring,
but I dropped just like a slinky.

I tried to be a seasonal spring,
but my flowers never bloomed.

I tried to be a fresh water spring,
but I quickly turned to fumes.

I tried to be your spring,
but I found I wasn't springy at all.

It was too late when I realized,
I was meant to fall.
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Nobody's problems are bigger or smaller than someone else's.
Just like people are different, we handle things differently.

And different things mean more to some than they do to others.
Some things I consider important are worthless to you. Vice versa.

I wish I'd learned this lesson a year ago. Maybe the love of my life would still be here.
I ****** up, and had to learn the hard way.

Don't you dare tell me what I'm supposed to feel about it.
A man brutally attacked me on facebook today. I'm glad facebook can't punch me.
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Oh look her blog! ... :)
Oh look, her blog. ... :|
Oh look. ... :(
Oh loo-. ... :'(
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.

Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Bought you flowers
Wasn't supposed to
Too late to mend
But bubble of joy
I wonder, was it true?
It gave me hope
Your bubble of joy
That I had one more chance
But I bought you flowers
I wasn't supposed to
Too late to mend.
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Have you ever had an email bounce?
When an email is undelivered, it's called a bounce.

When I'm crying my eyes out,
Suffocating, and my stomach is expelling it's contents

You listen and help me.
You try to comfort me and you tell me I'm not as horrible as I feel...

When I've calmed down enough to approach you
And simply talk in an honest tone about my feelings,

It's like my statements bounce, it's as if they don't sink in...
When I'm upset, you think about what you've done...you start understanding...

When I tell you I'm calm, sometimes you don't even bother to respond...
Panic attack ensues...

Bouncing all over, my words and my feelings...
Soon I'll find my way into the street to be hit or run over.
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Inoutinoutinoutinout
Inhaleholdbreathcountexhale
Inoutinoutinoutinout
Roomspinningroo­mspinning
Diediediejustkillyourselfyou'reworthless
Inoutinoutinou­tinout
Panicpanicpanic
Sam Conrad Feb 2014
What
is
breathing?

Do you
hear me
heaving?

Do you
see me
sinking?

Will you
be
reprieving?

in
out
in
out.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8.­..9...
in
out
in
out
1...2...3...4...5...6...
inhale
exhale
inhal­e
exhale
on 3
1..2..3...
-----------------------
"Hello, 911, what's your emergency?"
nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope.
nope nope nope nope nope.
I have a long life ahead of me.
Way too ******* long.
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
It's 2:12 AM...
My head is pounding
My mouth is dry
I'm muttering to myself and
I'm broken.

It's January 9th, 2014.
Your birthday is in three days.
I'm not allowed to come to the party,
Even though you mean more to me than anything else on Earth, and
I'm broken.

I'm not over you.
I don't think I will ever be...
But you say your sexuality is different now,
As if, if I didn't have a ***** maybe things would have turned out differently?
I'm broken.

Everything you say
About her, or about how happy you are about her,
Remind me of the similar things you once told me, so thanks for all those ******* memories...
Nevermind, whatever.
I'm just broken.

You played me a fool.
You tricked me.
You didn't only do that. I...
I believed in you.
But you've broken me.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Why is it
That my whole life
I've been influenced by bad things

Why is it
That when I repeat those bad things
I get judged by one chance

Why is it
That when I finally learn
Is the time where people give up on me

Why is it
That they condemn me and make their final judgements
When I'm running back with the fix

Why is it
That the door slams shut on me
After I finally realize how to walk in

Why is it
That I realized distance was necessary
Just for you to make the distance permanent

Why is it
That your mom said we could fix ourselves
But now you've decided even she was wrong

Why is it
That the qualities you find in her
Are only qualities I found a second too late

Why is it
That the world is so cruel
To give the both of us such horrible lives

Why is it
That the environments we grew up in
Were nothing to teach us what to do

But only what not to do
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
What kind of joke am I?...

You just told me,
"I wanna be friends...
But that isn't good enough for you."


Do you not realize
What you've done?


You didn't "lead me on". You made me believe in you. Convinced me we had a future together.

You promised me we'd be okay.

You told me I meant the world to you.

You told me there was no place like my arms. That they were the most calming thing in the world.

You told me your mom wouldn't be angry.

You called it a speed bump... , yeah, that too.

You told me it would be over soon... how early was soon?

You told me your parents wouldn't come after me. That turned to ******* pretty quickly.

Your last interactions with me were a kiss...

You told me you'd always love me.

You told me you'd always want me.

That changed a lot.
You changed your stories...


Something like, "I thought he would get over me on his own. I fell out of love with him. It was obvious."

"How dare you. You treated me like ****. We're not okay."

"If I even love you, then..." ... which became "I care about you...", you avoid the L word now.

"Skyping with * is the best way to bring in the new year!" ...I feel so worthless now.

Your mom lied to my pastor, and his wife, and you, and my grandmother about me.

Is your relationship with her, a speed bump too? You lied. I actually believed you. Why don't you understand?

I've been waiting for 5 months. I'll end up waiting 50 years for you, because I'm really that stupid.

Your parents threatened me legally. They lied to people I love to ruin my life. You thanked them for it!

How do her lips taste? You tricked me. Thanks a lot.

You lied to me. You don't even use that word anymore. "care"...

You lied. You don't want me anymore. Why did you lie to so much? I'm all broken now.
ruined me.
you
don't even
see
why.
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
What
are
you
doing?
This
Chaos
You've
Created
Is
Really
Killing
Me.

Why
Sometimes
Are
You
Sensitive
And
Understanding?

Why
Other
Times
Do
You
Simply
Not
Respond
To
The
Things
I
Tell
You?
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Full and empty, is what I am.
Full of feelings, but empty space
You occupied my heart...gave it new life
Then tore the wallpaper right off the walls

Full of anxiety
I can not breathe
The room is spinning, and I didn't do anything this evening
It's going to be long night

Maybe I should check into a hospital
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Children,
Don't listen to them.
Don't take the medication.
Don't do drugs.
They're mind controlling you.
I'm on drugs right now,
And I realize I'm only another numb slave in society on this ****.
Its okay to have feelings, children.

Its okay to feel pain.
Its okay to hurt.
The medication is horrible
Even though its bliss.
I know better.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
It's like I'm breathing all the smoke
When the house is on fire
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
I have cottonmouth and I'm choking
I miss your hands so I bring them close
I sit you down next to me again in my head
But your hands are full of cotton
You stuff my mouth with cotton
I'm gagging on the cotton
And you're still pretending to be compassionate
Ignoring all my gagging and choking
As you fill my mouth with cotton with a smile
Your new love sitting right on the other side
She is smiling too
I don't know.
Sam Conrad Apr 2014
You could have loved me,
But you left me to die.
People speak untruths.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
I tried to cultivate something wonderful
You were the perfect one, the one I'd always hold on to
I told you I would, I told you I'd love you forever
You may not understand what I saw in you
Because I didn't get to show you you're wonderful

I tried to cultivate something wonderful
But I am a bad seed, nothing to grow and only an imbecile
I loved you and broke you, I took you and pushed you
You may not understand how sorry I am
Because I didn't get to show you you're wonderful

I tried to cultivate something beautiful
But there's nothing beautiful about me, nothing good to see
I hurt you and killed you, until there was nothing left inside of you
You may not understand how sorry I am
Because I didn't get to show you you're wonderful
Dad
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Dad
Dad
You've been good to me
But I feel like nothing
Because you made me nothing when I was your puppet, when you tried to live your life through me

Dad
You're an ex-marine
But I didn't know that they taught marines
How to call their 4 year old children "babies", when asking you curious questions, when you said to shut up

Dad
You've been a police officer for 20 years
But I didn't know they taught police officers
How to tell their 14 year old boys they had a "distorted view of reality"

Dad
I still remember when you threw mom against the closet door
She showed me the bruise on her breast that was as big as a softball
I remember the fights you guys had and how you kicked the wall and stormed off in your car

Dad
I was like 4 years old when this happened, I could barely see over the window sill in our living room
But I can still remember exactly how it looked when you backed out and sped down the street
"Where's oppa going?", I asked my korean mother... ...all she did was throw me down and beat my bottom...

Dad
I was a sensitive child and believe it or not
Even though you and mom tried your best ...you didn't prepare me
You didn't prepare me to handle things...

To handle the kids who would push me around because I was smaller
To handle the other kids who pushed me because my face and skin looked different
To handle every time kids asked me if I knew karate when I was an innocent little 5 year old
To handle being spit on by any one of those kids
To handle love and relationships because you didn't teach me what love really was

To be able to deal with problems in life without freaking out or blaming myself, like when you would throw me in the floor or spank me until I peed my pants...

To be able to love the girl I wanted to spend my life with because even though I decided that I wouldn't do the kinds of things you did...I've ever known in life is what not to do, and when I tried something new, they were only slight variations of everything you did and now she's not coming back

I've ****** up my life now and you're finally mellowing out...
I wish you'd done so 18 years ago

Or maybe not been around
"To my mother, to my father, it's your son, or, it's your daughter;"
"I sit here locked inside my head, remembering everything you said, the silence gets us nowhere, gets us nowhere, way too fast."
"The silence is what kills me, I need someone here to help me. But you don't know how to listen, and let me make my decisions..."
"All your insults, and your curses, make me feel like I'm not a person...and I feel like I am nothing, but you made me, so do something..."
"I'm f***ed up, because you are, need attention, attention you couldn't give-"
Excerpts from
Staind- "For You"
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