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Dec 2013
I sat awake all night thinking of her...
Much similar to many of the last 150 nights...
I have things to tell her and things to ask her.

I wonder to myself if we're ever meant to be...
She tells me no. She gives me no chance...
She has no plans to continue with me, or give me a second try.

She's falling in love with another girl. Yes, I am a boy...
That girl probably has me beat, in a multitude of ways...
That girl probably treats her sweeter than I ever did or ever would.

But I would die for this girl. She became the reason I lived.
I told her my heart beated to satisfy hers...
And it was true.

I've been in a lot of messes with her.
I've gotten myself in a lot of trouble.
I beat her down emotionally until she could barely breathe.

Much like I've been, lately.
There have been days where I want to die.
There have been days where I wish I'd never met her.

But I get past those days...and I still come to live for her.
I know she doesn't want me anymore.
I know things are awkward...that she wants to be friends, but

I can't get over her. It bothers her.
It hurts me to see her with someone else.
Every time I say something though, its a stab in her chest.

Nowadays, she stabs back.
For all of this pain, for all of these feelings, I still wish her the best.
She was my best friend. I know I'm not hers.

This journey's been tough...it has really been hard.
But I'm living for her. I'm living in hope.
Hope I shouldn't have.

I don't know what to do or say. Or how to move forward.
She knows how I feel. But I can't shake these feelings away.
I don't know if I ever will.

Lord, it bothers her so much. It bothers me.
All we do is hurt each other.
I want her to be happy, and she is now without me, but love is such a selfish thing.

I am only a young man. I am only human.
I want to experience the world with her...
And she just wishes I would leave hers alone.

I want to tell her to be okay. Not to worry a bit about me.
But here I am laying awake, until 7AM.
Here I am, life leaving me behind. Opportunities missed.

I miss her everyday. I miss her soft skin, her eyes and her warmth.
I don't know what I did to deserve her, but I know why she didn't stay.
There are better fish in the sea, than me.

But could she survive on me? Why do I even ask?
Why should I try to degrade her life, for my own sake?
I want to be around to make hers better. But someone else does a better job at that.

I've cried and puked for so long now, and did I for nothing.
It doesn't change the fact that she's in someone else's arms.
It doesn't help mine or hers cause.

But she means the world to me.
The giganticism of that statement...
Is the reason I am lonely without her.

My world is so cold, I don't want to live...
Sometimes I tell myself "Well I don't need her anyway!" but sometimes she just...
Means the world to me.

I jokingly told her that all I wanted for Christmas was her.
Unfortunately the statement was true...
And here I am sitting alone on Christmas morning in my bedroom crying over her.

I had things planned for her and I...
Events, road trips...
None of them would necessitate being a couple...but those plans were for us...us.

She wants to be friends, she told me, since I'm so upset...
She told me, "If she even loves me" she loves me like a brother...
Would she be okay spending 7 days hundreds of miles away, sharing a bed with a brother?

I really just want to show her a good time, after all.
She saved my life, became my partner, my life's meaning.
She built me back up and taught me how to love myself. She became my world...

But I really ****** up a lot of things. She inherited a broken me.
She never completely fixed me. There were cracks...
The glue fell apart under the intense heat of moments, under pressure and stress.

I need her though. If only she would come back...
But she's so happy now, as long as I'm not mentioned.
She gets horrid flashbacks, panic attacks, anxiety. She feels broken...

And all I want to do is fix her.
But she has someone else to do that now...someone so much better.
Meanwhile I continue to come undone...

Each day I get a little worse...condemn myself a little more...
Decide to throw away another plan, because she knows my feelings...
And it just wouldn't work.

She means the world to me.
My world is dark now, without her.
I'll love her like this until God knows when...

And that probably means we can't be friends...because she can't enjoy my company...
And when I'm with her, I'm like a bird in a cage, screaming to be let free.
I just want to be able to love the love of my life again.
I am oh so sorry I exist to her...I'm not supposed to be here. I'm misplaced.
Sam Conrad
Written by
Sam Conrad
717
   Emily, rained-on parade and ---
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