I boxed up the shirt with my heart on the sleeve
Cliché- But that’s the only way I’ve learned how to deal with things
And I don’t plan on ever taking it out again

And I’m not really all that sad
Because it has so many holes in it now, anyway
And wearing it would mean showing people too much of me too soon
I’m never doing that again
Like I did with you

I went to my dresser and pulled out all of the simple things
Simple – A word synonymous with ugly for almost everyone these days
And I dusted them off and locked those away as well

And I’m quite sad about that
Because I feel that someone (once)
Thought that they were beautiful in a special, old-fashioned way
That no one will ever see again
The last person I showed was you

I went to my closet and pulled out a mask
Mask – What you wore every day when we were together
And I slipped it onto my face

I won’t let myself be sad about that
Because maybe people will say that I’m prettier now
With a different face and a different personality
That I’ll never take it off again
And no one will ever know

I went to my mouth and forced all these words out
Words – My most prized possession
And I fixed them onto a page

I don’t care to think about that
Because it means my heart snagged in threads that
Detached from the sleeve
Of the shirt that I used to wear
Every day
For you

I climbed a mountain yesterday
In my favorite pair of heels

And how I wish you’d been there
To see the looks on the faces of people who don’t know me
Who didn’t even care

But there I was with blisters
And when they asked if they hurt
I quietly shook my head.
And I hid my tears in my hair,
Because there was plenty to soak them up,
And there was no other use for my curls at the time.

But I climbed a mountain yesterday
In my favorite pair of heels.

I know you watched me from the bottom,
And I’d wished so badly that you’d come following behind
Telling me I didn’t have to do this by myself
Even though we both knew I did…
If I ever wanted to be happy again.
If I ever wanted to love again.

So you didn’t chase me…
You didn’t.
And I know why.
I guess it was enough to know that you were watching
It was enough until today

Because watching isn’t the same from that far away
I think there was a moment when you thought I was happy
With someone else

But a smile isn’t the same from that far away
And I don’t think you saw the number of times I looked back
Trying to find you
Because this boy wasn’t you

I think there was a moment when you saw us kiss
And yes,
We did
But kisses look different from that far away

And they were never planted anywhere special
Like ours
This boy and I,
We planted them in rocky places along the edge of the mountainside,
Where nothing grows and no one will stop to admire them.
They’re already dead today.

This boy,
He found me on the mountain yesterday
In my favorite pair of heels
And I’d wished I hadn’t hidden so many tears in my hair like that
Because it looked limp and loose and ugly.
But he said I looked pretty when I cried,
Even though it broke his heart.

He carefully took those heels off
And softly caressed the blisters
I could tell by his face he knew that I hurt
And why I was climbing
And why I was crying
And why I knew I couldn’t make it all the way up there,
All alone,
To the top of the world

So he scooped me into his arms
And whispered so many wonderful things
I think you thought I loved him, because I smiled a little, sometimes

But he carried me farther away from you
Until I couldn’t see you anymore

But it shouldn’t have mattered, because we made it to the top.

We should’ve been at the top…

But I missed you still…
I don’t know if you ever knew that.
But I want you to know that.
And I wish you could hear me say it:
I missed you.

The boy left today.

And I don’t know why I let him run away with my favorite pair of heels.
Well.
I didn’t let him run away with them.  I only meant to let him take them off...
It’s impossible to get them back now.
I don’t think you know yet what those heels meant to me,
And why they should be important to you.
But I will tell you someday.
Because it is important.
And I think you should know.

My feet hurt.
And I really don’t know why I tried running that day.

Maybe I didn’t understand what it meant to just wait for a while.
I think you know I hate that word by now.
But I do.
Which is ironic.
If you think about the conversations I have with you.
Where you pick my thoughts like cotton
And leave me empty, telling me nothing.
But I don’t really mind.

It was a mistake to leave my heart down there
I forgot to pack it before I set out to get over it all-

-I’m looking for you,
You know.
I left my heart down there for a reason,

And I’m just stuck now,
Dangling my feet over the edge of the world,
Scanning the bottom.
Wondering where you went off to.

Sigh.

I’m not entirely sure what you’re looking for
And I’m sorry if I don’t fit into the wardrobe you picked out
I tried cutting off my arms to fit into the straightjacket better
But it hurt too much
And I wasn’t willing to give up so many things
Just to be with you

I suppose I shouldn’t ask you to cut out your heart to fit into my hand better
I shouldn’t ask for things like that
The only polite things to ask are simpler than that
“Can I use your bathroom?”
“May I sit down?”
Yes
I don’t talk out of turn anymore
Because last time that happened I was a stranger
A thief rummaging through your things at 3 in the morning
And you shattered all of my intentions with that blunt baseball bat

I’m still not sure you recognized me

My heart flat-lined yesterday
At approximately 5:28 in the afternoon
The time doesn’t really matter
Nor, I suppose
Does the fact that I flat-lined yesterday
(For; I’m still alive, though not living)
But I thought it was an interesting fact
And wondered if you, too, would be interested in knowing
That I hit ground-level apathy
For everything
And for reasons beyond my control

Before you go thinking I’m depressed over you
Or over something you did
Be assured that my heart flat-lined for reasons beyond anyone’s control
Except my own
But it had to be done, I suppose
In order to feel again

The funny thing is knowing
That I could curl up on my bed and eat my favorite things
While reading the letter you wrote to me a few years ago
And fall in love with you again
With the wonderful twists my stomach makes
When you look at me a certain way
Or when I think of your lips meeting mine

But the thing that scares me the most to think about
Is that perhaps it wouldn’t be me falling in love with you again
If I have to eat my favorite things to be feel a certain way

The thing about today is that I know God is up there somewhere
But I can’t find it in me to care
I’m neither sinning nor making good
Not being tempted, not being persuaded
I simply exist
With no plans or future or decisions to make
I suppose my struggle with my favorite foods is the one exception to what I’ve described

See,
I know that God is up there somewhere
But today it’s that I just cannot force myself to care
There’s a wall between He and I somewhere in the lining of my stomach
(And though I never meant for it to be there)
It keeps Him from touching my soul
18 years of bad habits built up in my arteries
Clogging my heart from anything but apathy
But somewhere I found it in me to cry yesterday
As it flat-lined at 5:28
God made me human
With all these emotions
That I have a natural right to feel

(I know now
Why our Mother ate that which was forbidden)

So this apathy
Is a test trial of us
And though I still love you
Today
I don’t feel for you
Or for anything
Until tomorrow
(I hope)

“… or are we ashes and wine?”
    ~ A Fine Frenzy*

why do you creep [BAM!] between [-all over-] my lines
as much as I [don’t] try to cover [unmask] any trace of you [me]
everyone [no one] knows
everyone [someone] knows

you’re my favorite [most worn] pair of jeans [lover]
that I rip [kissed] apart [together] so many times that all you’re [we’re] made of now is
patches [of poetry]
[Letters] and [lines]
[Scraps and] rhyme

i’m always wondering [you know] what you [I] want [don’t want]
do you want to die [to live] never knowing [like that]

There are people
Who can't hunt anything but rabbits because they are easiest to **** and collect their little rabbit feet because shattering a mirror makes you worse off than taking a life of the innocent for good luck