Holy hallways and locked bedroom doors
Fallen into a smoke, an aroma of sin
Stand tall, wondrous teacher
Don't reveal us to God.

The temptations we succumb to
Would most under-impress.
Broken glass, I'm stuck in a mask
So desperate to breathe
So hopeful to leave
This damning place, I'm a sinner
Among pews filled with saints
A heart draped into dark seas
With no hopes of being restored

Who, then, is my Lord?
Who am I, at my core?

I'm ready to put you to sleep,
to close the casket and send you far down.
I'm feeling the effects of a love deeply lost
and my body rejects it.
I'm over the sadness that binds me together
and holds my head underwater.
As vibrantly as my heart beats for you,
and as obvious as the message of the stars,
as hopeful as you made me in times of hurt,
and as heated as the tears you cried for me,
so is the love I let float.
I'm over the hill, in clothes of my own,
in a head occupied by nothing but selfishness -
the good kind -
the kind of selfishness that makes you eager to wake up and create, to experiment, to learn and to live.
The mirror beckons me, hiding the knife in my back, and the scars on my body, and the gleam in my eye that was so delicately placed by you.
It shows me a glimpse of who I could become.
More powerful than your hold.
More loving than a lie.
More impactful than the dead-end dreams that glittered my life before.
More motivated than the girl who spent months alone, barely sober, chained to a passerby -
Too lost to respect herself.
In a sea, she was a floating flower,
Too high to feel anything.
And the more I learn, the more afraid I become for that naive girl who fell victim to a fantasy.
The devil may fly with angelic wings, but he will never catch me.

I've been a fleeting passerby
an image on the street
a sideways glimpse, no promise
you'll see this face again
I've been a falling leaf
floating far away
without direction, pleads
only to see the light of day
I've been a piece of broken sky
shattered and removed
picked apart, looked through, and
I've been feeling used
I've been an empty storyline
no past to say I've seen it all
no future to realign

no preference in particular
writing A's into E's
slipping past you with ease
please, gentle lover
I said it in jest!
it's hard to digest, I know, I know.
ride the wave of passion
take me past this disease
force me to make use of my time
help me, I'm crumbling
I don't think I can stand anymore
roll the die, let me die
can't handle your radiant eyes
can't deal with your selfish delusion
I was swimming by myself
you were too scared to join me
can I say I told you so?
is that a lie for a virtuous soul?
because good deeds follow goodness
green trees above the bushes

how do I see?
I'm free,
I'm free,
how shall I proceed?
I'm in deep, I'm in deep
how many letters would you read?
too many apologies
all of my apologies
did you ever really care about me?
let me think,
let me think,
I can't say right now,
I can't ever say.

slightly ****** but not enough to moan
she takes the day and makes it her own
so much responsibility!
so many obligations!
so many plans!
thinking maybe a doze would be better
than constantly trailing
a thread of conscious mannerisms
yes, most certainly.
a shawl to throw over me
a cover for an unresponsive world and
mimicking cheap actions for cash
I'll think I will let her stay inside today

Eyeballing the past
I can see us, tripping into love
Flowers in my hair
Music in the air
Hunger in your eyes,
We're alive!

soft spoken murmurs slide in
to invoke horror or darling,
a song
to smear untrue stories or to resist
didn't catch that, honey,
creating a face to match an unfamiliar voice
common issues haunt you
a tack in the side, along for the ride
you get it, I get it, let's get up and go
sleeping late and forgetting your tea I promised so long ago

There's something about your intent
That makes me question sincerity
If a grown man can fly,
Let the phantom roam freely.
It's not repeatedly beneficial
Exhaust empowers me like never before
A stain on your heart
A faithless testimony
Feet on the seat, head underwater
The future has an undeniable direction
Sympathetic stories to heal your root
Don't let me lie (to you)
The most beautiful still
Is the one the eye can't perceive
A dreary melody to relieve

It's alright if you want to
Steal my future away
Rummage through my past
And pick the garbage away.
I'll say it's okay
for a good brain to rot bad
Because the heart is alive
My big heart pumps red.

you told me to never worry
that all the evils in this world would amount to nothing against us
you held my little hand and pulled me down with you, but I felt safe by your side
there's not a chance
I could have foreseen
how great those likes could actually be
because all I forced myself to see
was your goodness behind a fake smile.
I guess, in the end, we're both not to blame
'cause you were just reckless
and I was just me.
If I had to pick someone to throw under the bus, I guess I'd pick me, in place of the both of us.
because you are a bird, and I want you to be
but you sent me to Hell
you tore me to pieces and walked right away
still, I'd love, in your arms, just to stay

a feeling of nearness when I see the countdown
hit me twice in a day, unable to comprehend
my love for you's a sin
futuristic endeavors are far out of reach
for I'll never experience something so
unexplainably deep
and harsh on my soul
but I'd like it to continue into the endless spectrum of wasted time
until someday luck brings upon
maybe a call, maybe none.

I have an urge to let tears soak into my face
I have this strange feeling
Within my weak bones
I'm loved, but somehow
The world pushes against me
I'll fall asleep early,        Forget You.

I have an urge to throw up, post-dinner face
Alone, not a bathroom
Your Hollywood ransom

My connection to the world below
Is less than slightly sufficient

Oh, the things I would do not to feel!

The lengths I would go to release
The weight on my heels
Unveil your pretty glow . . .

reflections of street lamps on the water


the tangled seaweed below this wooden dock


I am comfortable with the distance...


but under the surface, I am lightly holding out for you

I am uncomfortable!
I don't want to belittle you! but. . .
(how did she know?)
embrace the loss.
lose yourself.

I miss my life before you hated me.
come together -
lose yourself.
the members of the bohemian grove, theatre babes.
I guess I can't seem to discover...
how can you feel?

I'm working towards numbness
and there's nothing you can do.
Darling, don't you see?
There is nothing you can do.
Nothing to lose.

Their cares are misplaced
and nobody sees it.
How long can I sink,
till I'm nothing at all?

Let's make this a challenge
I'll play this same game.
Wishing my life away
I am wishing my whole life away . . .
Desperate for change
and a new circuit home.
Desperate to change before heart turns to stone.

There's nothing they'll miss,
and no words to stand out.
My dear friend, I've become instant.
A fleeting feeling of well-deserved fame,
gone like a lighter . . .
The fire won't stay.

Secluding myself,
inducing my Hell.
The feeling of touch leaves my hands,
I'm thinking alone,
I'll choose to here stand.
No stories to tell,
and the ends of my skin pull numbness whole through.

There's something in the way you ignore me.
I'm craving a rainbow of thought.
Attention is mildly overrated.
Something tells me I am more sold than bought.

Slowing,
slowing,
your voice kills my soul.
Pretending to listen.

gutting old women and feeding the homeless
stepping in flies to feel the disgust
scalping a man and without second thought,
she devoured his skin and with the money she bought
a considerable amount of paint to be used
on her town, to cover the crimes and abuse

you've abandoned your brain for a good time

too sweet for me
you're the ache in my teeth

I always seem to go back to the same songs
I always fall asleep in someone else's bed
tell me something of substance
to make up for this meaning-stripped world

I remember the first day

Dancing in the temple where we swayed the night right by
Out the doors you followed
Near dusk, we yawn
Turn towards the moon and sing 'til dawn

Remember when you opened the door
Even when I got there before
Millions of gestures and simple words
Ending my doubts, the scene was blurred
My dreams filling reality's vacancy
Better you, than anyone else had taken me
Exploding in our heads like a thunderous waterfall
Remember when you said I'd feel free?

I gave up on comfort to be with you
you could say I just wanted
to be part of your world for a day
or a lifetime, if I'm honest
if it were us on that train,
would you look at me the same?
if it were me at that place,
would you still notice my tired face?
would you love me as much,
if I told you what I believe
about life, about death, and what's in between?
I think I'm asleep - think this day is a dream.
as long as I'm here, lucid and lifeless,
there are no burdens to bear
I have no soul to impress
and no one to lay my affections upon.

getting higher than I wanted to
seeing spotlights when I look at you
Today isn't fair, it just isn't fair.
Burned to the bone like I'm working in Nassau
and I'm cold and alone,
dancing with all the lights off.
I'm sick and the day's delusions replay
and I can't remember the second half of today.
As I wander, I miss you - it's never been this bad -
even at sunset, no, it's never been this bad.
And what a privilege it is, to be lively and free,
[ where friends are falling like apples from a tree ]
where each complaint doesn't take them aback,
and a drunk rant makes the whole table laugh.
come to me, darling, for now I can speak!
a hello, I love you, we're sound off to sleep!
Please enter the night, together we'll become thieves.
We'll steal all the joy from this world,
and make our home where the bad people go.
Forever in misery, our eternity rest.
There's not a place in the world that can capture my heart so **** fast.

as I dug deep into the frozen ground,
I found a little memory that we buried
back when we were in love
as I stare at your face, I can't help but question it
it seems too impractical, even to ask
but have you always looked that way, or do my eyes deceive me?
have those eyes, so vibrant and bright, always held such looks,
like you are a blink and a half away from insanity...
tell me if I'm crazy, but
those dark spots on your skin, have you always had them? or did they suddenly appear the moment you rose from the grave?
a romantic conspiracy, blinded by the passionate longing
I'm sorry I never noticed the smaller parts of you
and my sincerest apologies for harping on and on...
simply, even the newest parts of you are buried in my memories.

And the sun went cold,
The day you left me alive.

How could you not take me with you?

How could you leave me to fight this alone?

How selfish an act,
To welcome death alone,
In secret.

and with one look,

he stole the youth right from my eyes.

which night out would best suppress
the draining, helpless, high unrest?
your word beckons a solemn walk
up to your damning throne.

give the girl the last of you
the hardships that they've put you through
for today's the bitter end
to an endless raining sky.

my heart beats like hurried footsteps
upon a chest of grief,
but when they follow you around
and scurry through your hollow traps.

isn't it sweet living on your own feet
making your own decisions
and not having to answer to anyone?
except for the big man
when he asks of your income
and takes some away, as he pleases
but other than that, you're totally free!
isn't it great how the schools regulate
what you can and can't eat
because most other people
are addicted to sweets?
and in this all-inspiring jewel of a land
the less you have,
the more powerful you become
tracing our races all back to day one.
and the certainty of knowing
that you're living well-balanced
in a place where there are rules on the simplest of things.
it's a small price to pay for a life worth living,
and you'll never feel threatened
in this awing new world
no weapons, no lust, no verbal attacks
just you, and me, and the big man watching
in this utopia we succumbed to for personal gain

happiness feels immeasurable
days go slowly but us,
we make time speed past
jokes about misfortune
but it's all fun and games
your laughter fills the hall
it fills me up, too
I'd lie and say I don't know you
never a day passes,
car spoken dialogue.
take me there
just so you can
take me back.
every girl is jealous
every guy wants at least one.
but me and you have got something new
equal and dumb all rolled into one
every adult knows, laughter shows
accepting as you are, coming as I am
debating and fabricating
new ideas and old reasoning
I've never had a friend like you

recently
not so much recently, more for a while
i seem to carry the weight of you
a weight i'd always try to keep from you
the simple and painful longing for an ending ever less tragic than ours
your good is always resting in my heart
a voice that could lull me to sleep in a beat
but i'm not allowed to speak romantically of you, anymore

i will come back here for you
even if the sea disappears
i'll find you there in the dream-scape

he once said
in chair swivel dizzies
that this world was made for me
and that i wear it well

star-glittered floor
glitter-glimmers in setting cement
maintaining illusions
weighing the full commitment
current-whirling eyes
refrain. continue diffracting. sleep in soft beds. study. rescind.

you have really gone and done it, now.
is this not what you wanted?
am i not who you molded me into?
there i am, in the reflection of your bed frame.
there you are, sitting on your bed.
here we are, studying each other.
rescinding into our separate... rash follies.
our derangements match on a similar-but-different level.

cheers, together, we ruined lives
care if i take a seat?
i try so HARD to break from the HABITS THAT RUIN ME!
where do they go when i expel them?
into the air, to float up to space? do the aliens bite the insides of their cheeks, too?
or into the sea, so the critters & corals can get high, like I used to?
maybe they will crawl into the ears of my neighbors, so Tab can have "The Rug" stuck in her head all day, too.

well, well, well. here we are, in this space, together.
on the one hand, but oh... oh, on the other hand.
sign out. do me a favor, reversing your trail.
who am i to judge?
who am I to wonder.

fast asleep, you are, my love.
oh, how i wish i was sleeping next to you.
cradled in your bear's embrace.

i'll be here waiting when you fall down.

how blind was I to you

I'll say I wanted to be

you saw my color blue

when I thought I was shining

just like a movie on the screen,

my love for you just reflected what I wanted to love in me.

and realizing that,

I'm finally free.

the world is dark
lay your troubles on me
I'll take them, I promise
no reason to be
so afraid to embark
on a journey so fragile
just listen to me breathe
and I'll nod as you speak
in vulnerable tones
feeling like you've lost
something I can replace.

come to understand
you hold my happiness in your hand
for the rest of my life
eyes locked on a dream
feed me hope, overflow
and I'll give you a break
always making it known
that I'm your buffer for pain
look at me crazy,
I've seen it before
all the fears and dark fantasies
scattered on tile floors

the rhythm of your breath
keeps me awake
I slip into dependency
so save me from your tired temptations
apart however long,
I'll still sing your songs
meet with me in the night
a sweet tangerine
a daydream less understood
by the people who killed us.
they killed our last song

to me, hear me out,
your radiant eyes
holding love like a light
gazing strong into mine
provide a sensible lover,
too kind not to love
sinking too deep to take lightly
we'll fall into forever-care
delusion to them, but
euphoria to you, and a miracle to me.

It's no surprise,
I liked life better with you,
But what can I wait for?
Let's get together,
We can form a chain.
To bind, to instrument-alize my eyes.
We can talk philosophy in dark caves,
    tinker ... tinkering ... tinkering away at my soul.
And still, I romanticize the darker moments.
What changed?
The freedom to hurt myself.
The freedom to fix myself.
And you don't know that you've reached that point,
Until you are there.
Seeing you.
Senses awakened, I found my way back home.
The only man who could ever impress me.
I'll get high and decide that this desolate life only breaks and forms bruises on innocent thighs,
Why am I in a wasteland?
Can't you hear the hummingbird's cry?
Show me all the wounds that you have acquired, every breath stolen from a throat wrapped in strong hands.

stay seated and quiet
all the babbling runs out
we're alone with another
evil man to convince
convicted and slaughtered like a ravenous pack
let's skip the routine
just for another day in these arms
armed with a band of weapons galore

seize my heart and take the rest away
frazzled on a sunny day
I hope to God you're here to stay

you're always drinking
when I need you
the very most,
I can't get through to you
even in the simplest
of times, reliability
falls short.