Every time I look in the mirror I despise the image in front of me
For all I see
Is an ugly girl staring back at me

Filled with imperfections
Certainly overweight
My mind is filled with copious amounts of self hate

I used to be better at stopping this
At knowing it wasn’t true
But now I truly believe it
And I’m feeling more and more blue

I want to drill holes in my brain.
I don't have purpose, I'm going insane

I sit here without any real task
Despite the fact I constantly ask

What do I do?  I don't know
I'm being paid to do nothing, it brings me sorrow

I can't just sit here twiddling my thumbs
Thinking in circles until my brain numbs

I do not belong here, I feel out of place
I may leave, these weeks erased.

Please give us a second chance
The first time around my head was in a trance
Consumed by an eating disorder
Sad and down
Last summer I was consumed by my frown.

Throughout the year
We were busy
Our heads occupied
My life a tizzy

But now I'm ready
If you are
To give this one more try
I believe we can go far

My heart has been ripped out

Torn from my chest

Trampled and torn

I need some rest.

Does he care about me?

Clearly not.

I was extremely easy to drop.

Yet here I am
Dealing with my rollercoaster of a mind
Trying to focus

"Push through and study"
They all say

But the sadness persists day after day.
Defer my exams?
Maybe.
Okay.

Not all because of him, I assure you that's true
The low mood was there before,
Now I'm just more blue.

Trudging through life as I'm dying inside
All I want to do is hide

Why did he do this?
I don't really know.

---

I need to focus
On just being me
On doing the best I can
The light I will see.

Goodbyes are tough

I still care for you,

Sad and heartbroken,

Changed for the good too

I weigh more than I have ever weighed
And I've never been more afraid.

The voices are louder than ever before
You're fat, you're ugly, a failure for sure

You'd think I know these are all lies
That this would just render many sighs.

But it doesn't.

It's pain, it's suffering, it's absolute hell
On these thoughts I continue to dwell

Tears are shed.

If I objectively weigh more
Than I ever have before
How can I disagree with the voices in my head?
More tears are shed.

Fix it, fix it! My mind berates.
Weight loss is your impending fate.
Not to lose too much, don't worry
A couple of pounds, you'll be fixed in a hurry.

I'm trying
to not
listen.

But on the cusp of believing it's true.
Restriction and exercise is all I'll have to do.
Control, control
Something I desperately want.

But I must stay strong
And keep holding on
And try to avoid trying to fix this.

I want to be a role model
For younger girls
Accept your body
it's as precious as a pearl

Its imperfections make it beautiful.
You do not have to look a certain way
Or worry about what you weigh
You are worth so much more than that
You deserve so much more than that
Believe in yourself, and start a new day