my mind just

''''''''''''rep'eats and rep'''''''''''''eats and rep'''''''eats and rep'eats

'like a broken record

'of this sickly sweet tune ive heard before

'that seemingly has no end

'(but i know every downbeat)

'it says what i want is not you

'''''but what was then-'-'''''''''''''''

''''''''''''like this broken key

''''''on the keyboard''''''

''''''''of the comp'uter you gave me

'dont you see how it rep'eats

''''''' it broke ever since you went away

'it came back for a time

'i thought the ap'ostrop'he

'joining two words

'was here to stay

'but here it broke again

''''''''''''''''''''''''and this key

''doesnt even want to be friends

'it p'ressed delete.

I am feeling so trapped inside my head.

How is it, that I am just that easy to read?
It took everything I had not to burst into tears when you tilted your head down, looked me in the eyes, and asked me if everything was truly alright.
It wasn't.
I am going to be so lost when you leave again...
I am scared I can't bear it, what will ground me when nobody will reach into the depths of my mind and pull me out?
I keep wondering just what it is the people around me see in me.
I can't tell if I am being admired, or pitied.
I wonder, do people see so easily through this shell of thick glasses and tootsie pops like you do?
Do they see my weakness and uncertainty?
Can they feel the strength and knowledge I have gathered over the years? Can they know my entire life in one glance, void of any judgment or prejudice
like you can?
Or am I just as much of a mystery as I wish I was?
Is it that I find solace in the solitude of my own mind?
No, I will not let all this hope I have worked so hard for go to **** in one measly night.
I can't.
It really, doesn't matter.
I am fine.
I'm just tired.

Really, I am alright.

Realization Alliteration Poem
4/23/2013

Radical reforms
Revealed and revered
Reveled in without reserve
Reject rest until wrongs righted
Resistance looks radiant red like radishes
Recently reequipped with righteousness reacting like radiation
Rowdy crowds race like rabbits to meeting rooms
Rain and rapiers can't quell rampaging rallies without recourse
Reserves have been replicated, ready to razzle and rebuke, revenge
Reclaim rusted roofs of the ruins, wrecked in rural rubble's roots
Reality's reign can't be reversed so remember it, refuse to relive it
Run from its reach, relying on the rare reward you've received, a refuge
Recognize that regimes rotate routinely like roadkill riding on rail-cars drinking with rancid rats
Reach for the receiver, become a redeemer, referee your own rehab, require resolute ripples - realization.

You twisted yourself inside me like a root,
the one's that you always wrote about,
and it still drives me crazy that I can't get you out,
but you somehow got out of me.

But you sure did get out, easier than expected.
And I still don't know why you cut off so quick,
but I miss your ******* voice and your crazy bed head
that you never felt like you needed to fix.

And I can't stand how happy you are,
because you said you could never live without me,
but you only did what you know best,
I should've figured you would flee.

Each tear I shed has a part of you,
for all the times that we cried together.
Under blanket forts we hid from the world,
now you hide with someone else.

But I'll never forget my first day with you,
that's over ten years ago now.
And over ten years of memories you seemed to forgotten,
so I'm sat here, writing them down.

I hope it left a scar.
Like the metal gate on the farm to my left hand as I carelessly swung it open.
Like the hard dirt and rocks at my cabin to my knee as I came bellowing off a dirt bike when I was 9 years old.
Like the surgeon's knife to my upper lip in attempt to repair my birth-given defect,
no,
not that one,
that was to clean of a cut.
I hope it cut you deep,
and the wound was not properly cared for and got infected.
I hope you picked at it for weeks before you finally gave in and let it heal, and even then
I hope the scar of me will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Smile darling, it'll all be over soon.
You will move away, start over.
You will find a lover, to keep you warm at night.
You will fill the gap with glamorous people,
meaningless possessions.
Smile darling, you can seal your sorrow in mason jars.
Keep it safe, neatly tucked in the dark corners of your grandmother's storage room.
You can leave it behind whilst you travel.
Soon enough you'll be able
to breath.
No longer will it fester, eat at you in dark hours.
No longer will you feel everything around at high volumes and slow paces.
Smile darling, because you are living to die,
no longer are you dying to live.