I'm afraid of what you've become,
but I'm also afraid of losing
what you had been.

Should I sink or should I float?
I cannot stay above
I'm going down and I cannot fight
Please save me from myself

Should I stay or should I go?
If I leave I will never know
I'd like to stay, but it will only hurt
If I go, then I will drown
Fall into the deep dark blue

I've been treading water for so long
I am so tired
My head is slipping under
I am sinking
I am drowning
Please save me from myself

I used to hide
I did not want to be found
But now you need to save me
Save me from myself

I am breathing in water now
My lungs are aching for air
Sweet air

I am so sick of this **** water
I want to be high
High off of the ground
Will you take me there?
Into the sky
Soaring and flying into the white

Sweet air with the wind in my hair

I wish I knew how to talk about anything because maybe if I knew how then things would be better
And maybe that saying "time heals everything" won't seem like such a lie
And maybe I wouldn't feel like I'm walking through the snow without shoes on or trying to play the harp without any strings
Cause lately it seems like time is all I have and I'm not running out of anything
Especially these feelings but
I wish I didn't understand why these months feel just a little too cold
And why the lights on the tree shine just a little too bright
The window should be cracked, because I really don't think I can breathe
And it's so much easier to rehearse what to say and plan what to do when they ask "how are you?"
But easy isn't always right and I've got to do something to change this, don't I?
If I don't I'll just continue going through the motions and staring at my ceiling when I'm not dreaming
Dreaming about what it would feel like to feel something other than this
Something but please not this
I wonder if it would be better if I knew how to talk about it
If sorting this out would change anything at all
All I know is that the clouds move quickly then seem to hover over my head like a dragon fly
A memory that reappears when I look at a stop sign
A street light glowing red would be better than these flashing yellow beams that remind me that I don't know if I should stay or go
The lines on the pavement blur together into one big ocean wave that sways to the rhythm of my heart beat
Slow then picking up speed
Unorganized and messy
Back and forth and up and down
A Ferris wheel that goes up once then stays broken at the bottom
Skipping stones reminds me of laughing and maybe that's a good thing but maybe I'm just being nostalgic
Barbie dolls and green army men are long forgotten and well over due
The snow won't come this year and I don't get it because it seems cold enough here
The only thing remaining is this sweet morning dew
Little teardrops strewn across the grass that never seem to last
There's so much going on at once it's hard to hear the birds singing
Singing songs of innocence and a better yesterday
Tomorrow can hold better days if only I knew how

People always tell you to grow up
But sometimes growing up
Is the biggest problem you face
Sometimes getting old
Is the hardest thing you'll do
Sometimes losing your innocence is
Painful and full of truth
And it is always
Always
The easiest thing done

I'm starting to feel like the unwanted goods you're going to eventually toss overboard so that I'll slowly wash ashore, just to lighten your vessel

there usually aren't simple connections
It's normally out of no where
It can be the way the sky looks
Or a line in my school text book
Whatever it is that brings me back
I know that it will hurt
Memories crawl inside my brain
Making a nest of their own
Sometimes it's like I've never left that night
I can feel him most days

They tried to help me get out
but my feet
were already buried deep beneath my guilt
and my fingers
were tangled in your lies
my eyes
were already locked on your blinding beauty
and my ears
deafened by your twisted symphonies
I knew that I was not just visiting anymore

I am your childhood blanket tucked beneath your bed in a pile of dust.
I am your bucket of toys, pushed to the furthest end of your closet.
I am dried out markers and broken crayons buried in a drawer next to your nightstand.
I am everything you used to love,
I am everything you've grown out of.

I can see the sad in your eyes, and in the way that you slouch.
Because bad posture probably means you don't care, and not caring is better than caring too much.
Or maybe it means that you're tired, and being tired means that you're still human and you're still breathing.
Because time has made you hard and it has made you cold.
These months have taken their toll on you and they've made you grow old.
You might be fooling everyone else but I notice the fear in your eyes.
You're afraid that you've forgotten how to feel, so you desperately attempt to wear a disguise.
But what you don't know is that no matter how many pills you take
Drinks you consume
Drugs you inject
Or people you see
your sadness always lingers, and it makes itself a priority
You can't hide from your monsters when you created them in the first place

To the woman who scolded me for moving on with my life after my assault at age 13:

"Your life didn't skip a beat, you went to school and hung out with friends and everything," is what she told me.

Yes my life did not skip a beat when I was entirely uprooted.
What happens to a plant if it is uprooted? Can a plant survive if it is pulled up out of the soil?
I have found that just as with any other situation involving injury, there as some steps you need to take in order to repair it.

First you need to assess the damage. Broken stems and wilting leaves are obviously very noticeable symptoms of distress. What is important is the condition of the main stem and the roots. This will determine whether or not the plant can survive. The sooner you can take emergency steps the better.

The next step is performing first aid. The plant benefits from little additional trauma as possible. Torn branches need to be cut back, to avoid any additional tearing. Keep in mind that any cutting done should be gentle and done with sanitized tools to prevent disease in the already weakened plant.

One of the final steps is replanting. The plant can now be replanted even deeper than it was before, and watering it regularly can reduce its stress.

Lastly, monitoring the plants success is important. The key to restoring a plant that was uprooted is patience while waiting for it to adjust through a period called transplant shock. Note that the situation may look worse before it looks better. Large leaves may wither or drop. Transplant shock can last several months or even seasons. Provide persistent care to the plant, and do not judge it until the next season of growth, usually during spring. It is usually worth the wait.

So, yes. I did not skip a beat.
I did not skip a beat after I was ***** and my life became uprooted because the sooner you can take emergency steps, the better. I learned how to replant myself instead of letting my life wither away. And do you know what? It was surprisingly worth the wait.